Emotional Refridgerators?

[Liv'nLearning]

Has anyone encountered a partner who has real problems expressing themselves?

 

The words "I love you" don't come easily, even after an extended period of time or even if they do, come sparingly?

 

The kind that don't give cards, gifts or emote freely other than in the bedroom?

 

The kind of person who is like a poker player with your heart and keeps you guessing but offers crumbs from time to time....but makes just enough effort to keep you hanging?

 

I would be very interested to know if anyone else has encountered this or is like this?

 

There appears to be quite a few of these emotionally unavailable people lurking around.

[twiggys bird]

no offence intended but i am that cold. i find the reason for this closed off attitude is fear of bein hurt, revealin to much to one person. definatly a bad relationship in past that has turned them weary of love. sex is sex and its fun, not using sumone just for it but i mean if one person violates u everyone else can... strick first and u wont be hurt.

of course this is not acceptable but ul find they need to find themselves better before they can concentrate on another persons needs.

hayzexxxxxxxx

[peaches1234]

My ex-boyfriend was exactly that way, and eventually after 7 years I left him because of it. I kept thinking he would eventually change, but when I realized it wasn't going to happen and I needed to be told I was loved much more than he did (once a month, if that!), I left. In every other aspect of his life he was a very giving guy (always working shifts for other people, always considering his family members ahead of himself, things like that) which made my situation all the more devastating and confusing. I can't explain why he was the way he was. Only after we broke up did he open up and offer "I loves yous" as much as I needed. Of course, I had been hurt too much by that time.

 

"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone...?" --Joni Mitchell

[HokeyReligions]

I used to be like that. My mother is like that. Its not that we don't feel things - but what's the point in expressing ourselves. Well, that is how I was raised. My mother told me once that she loved me. Once was enough - it she stopped loving me and that statement no longer was true then she would have informed me.

 

I was like that with my husband. I told him once and I saw no need for constant reassurances. He NEEDED some reasurances, verbally or with displays of emotion. My mom lives with us and my husband fixes dinner every night. He gets his feelings hurt if my mother doesn't tell him thank you over and over again each night. He gets mad and starts a diatribe about how selfish my mother is. I bring him back to earth and have asked my mother to say thank you every once in a while just to keep the peace. She thinks it is silly. She told him over four years ago that she appreciated dinner and figured that was enough. I've never been a touchy-feely person either. I greet realitives with a handshake - including my mother! We don't hug.

 

For my husband I learned that by reaching over and stroking his hand or shoulder while he was driving could make him feel great and speacial. So I started doing things like that. And I accepted that he would do those things for me too. He learned that when we first fell in love it didn't mean that I didn't love or care for him if I did NOT express it - it was just 'my way.'

 

I am one of the least romantic people you could ever meet. I don't remember birthdays or anniversaries, or "special moments" and I don't get all "gushy" when he sends me flowers or something. I'd rather he spend the money on something else than on flowers. A tune-up or oil change or something that we need! I had to learn to accept his romantic overtures and he had to learn to cut back on them!

 

Now we do hold hands often, and even kiss in public and sometimes he will goose me in the middle of a crowded store and if I'm feeling silly - or sense that he would like me to be more affectionate or silly - I'll REALLY goose him in public. I once gave him an atomic wedgie in the middle of WalMart!

 

But the affection is a learned behavior for me - learned late I guess. The only ones I ever really showed a ton of affection naturally to were my kids and as teenagers they HATED it when I would hug and kiss them in public! But with them I couldn't not show affection. I had to hug them. I'm glad I did. I think secretly they were too.

[Liv'nLearning]

Hokey,

 

Thanks for sharing!!!!!

 

At least you are aware of your behaviour and have modified it. How does it feel now? Do you like this side of you or do you still feel uncomfortable?

 

I do believe it does go back to our upbringing and the way our parents taught us to supress certain behaviours.

 

I am so happy to hear you have reached out to your husband and he can do the same back for you. It can be so hard to make someone assume or guess what you are feeling, thinking, or more importantly "feel" about them! Thinking is analytical. Feeling is just..well,,feeling and expressing how someone makes you feel either about them or yourself.

 

I believe those who are needy all the time are equally as destructive as those who are emotionally shut down as well. Verbal and physical communication are, in my book, absolutely tantamount in a healthy, balanced relationship.

 

Congrats!

 

:D

[moimeme]

I wasn't the huggiest critter in my younger life. My mom seemed to dote on me; I was distrustful of too much affection because I figured she loved me because it was a mom's job. Bit cynical for a kid, no? LOL.

 

Fortunately, when I was in high school, I became friends with a family of Latin Americans who hugged each other and everybody else at greetings and farewells and other times, too - and I figured out I liked this hugging business

 

I also started out in life being very wary of compliments; sometimes it seemed to me that they were empty - really more flattery than genuinely felt. For years, I'd hardly ever compliment anybody for fear that it might not be considered sincere. I've worked hard on that over the last while and I think I'm finally getting better at it though I still probably do refrain from complimenting people more often than I should.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Liv'nLearning

Hokey,

 

Thanks for sharing!!!!!

 

At least you are aware of your behaviour and have modified it. How does it feel now? Do you like this side of you or do you still feel uncomfortable?

 

I do believe it does go back to our upbringing and the way our parents taught us to supress certain behaviours.

 

I am so happy to hear you have reached out to your husband and he can do the same back for you. It can be so hard to make someone assume or guess what you are feeling, thinking, or more importantly "feel" about them! Thinking is analytical. Feeling is just..well,,feeling and expressing how someone makes you feel either about them or yourself.

 

I believe those who are needy all the time are equally as destructive as those who are emotionally shut down as well. Verbal and physical communication are, in my book, absolutely tantamount in a healthy, balanced relationship.

 

Congrats! :D

 

Well, I wasn't really uncomfortable with the way I was. I've never been a demonstrative person and I'm still not - but the affection I show my husband, and others, is still a conscious effort. Some may interpret that as not being sincere, but my husband knows that the effort, even though its not spontanious and I have to think it first, is an effort I'm putting forth for him. He had to accept that and for a while thought that because it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction it wasn't a sincere emotion. I don't know that I was emotionally shut-down - I still felt things, I just didn't show it. Being with my husband has helped me also interpret and understand that my mother feels things to -- she just doesn't show it. She may seem cold and aloof, but that is just an outward appearance.

[Liv'nLearning]

I have found the responses interesting but I guess I was inquiring about the person who shrugs and says "I don't know? once too often" when it comes to talk of anything intimate.

 

The sort of person who cuts you off when you express your desires, wants, revelations and watches TV or changes the subject to something banal immediately! Or even worse....someone who allows you to talk while you spill your innermost thoughts and exclaims "I see".

 

I used to ask my ex how he felt about me? He would say I am wonderful, clever, blah blah but never anything about the way I made him feel.

 

I honestly don't know if he had the other posters deep feelings and shyness about revelations or just didn't feel anything and therefore couldn't offer love?

 

Anyone else relate??

[HokeyReligions]

I used to ask my ex how he felt about me? He would say I am wonderful, clever, blah blah but never anything about the way I made him feel.

 

My husband was just like that. Still is sometimes. Totally clueless. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear. He never even considered expressing his feelings about anything (unless it was anger when I pissed him off & even then he would hold it in most of the time)

 

We were finally able to establish that what I wanted to hear was how I made him FEEL. But, he coulnd't tell me because he didn't know. He never analyzed his feelings, or needs, and exists on such a superficial plane. He wants to "fix" things and didn't understand that I may talk about something, express problems, etc. but that all I needed was to get them out. He took it as something he needed to fix and took action. he never thought about anything in terms of his own feelings. He never considered his own feelings and told me many times that the only thing he felt was less than human and as though there was something left out of him, wrong with him because he couldn't ever seem to feel the things he thought he was supposed to feel. He didn't think about it because it depressed him. He existed on an almost instant-gratification sphere. No yesterday, no tomorrow so feelings didn't matter.

 

Therapy helped.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Anyone else relate??

 

Yes. Was married to someone emotionally despondent for 15 years. Because it was part of his "condition" I learned to accept and live with it for a l-o-n-g time. Funny what we are so willing to learn to live without for the sake of "love," duty and loyalty. Never even realized just how 'lonely' I really was because I become so conditioned to accepting what life had dealt me.

 

Yep; love springs hope eternal! And so we wish half our lives and happiness away "hoping" for a better tomorrow.

[BlockHead]

I think guys prefer to use talking as a way to communicate information as opposed to feelings and emotions.

 

Some people need to be stroked a lot, and some people need to be stroked a little. Maybe a monk would be satisfied with one stroke a month while a movie star would be satisfied with a hundred strokes a day.

[Liv'nLearning]

I've been reading up on this subject lately and it looks quite interesting.

 

Those who use the expression "I think", "I see" "I hear you" are more analytical as opposed to "I feel".

 

From what I have gathered so far, those who don't want to feel (literally) were emotionally shut down at a young age either by family, friends, a teacher etc. They were taught to repress emotions. Don't cry.....that's for sissies etc. They were literally shut down for fear of rejection by someone they respected or loved.

 

When they enter their teenaged years, they develop a locus of internal feedback where feelings, emotions are processed internally and decisions are made partially on gut instinct and emotion. Some adolescents seek external feedback such as peers to tell them what to do. Private feelings of rejection, sadness, joy are repressed in the brain that can leak out in what appears to be sharp bursts of anger only to return to total calm within minutes. The "feeling" escaped and was put back immediately. Wow!

 

In order to fit into mainstream thought, phrases, words are analyzed and mimicked to appear normal but the tone is missing and some of these repressed types simply mimic what they think you want to hear but it doesn't sound real. A bit flat.

 

Sometimes they can't handle any form of deep expression from others ie. don't like to be touched, loathe public displays of affection, stony silence or can be extremely defensive when more expression is requested and the other person is accused of being critical.

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

[yes]

i also grew up in a very untouchy-feely family. hugs are rare, 'i love you's are reserved for "talks" (sweeten the pill kind of thing), etc. so even though i never felt unloved, i've always felt that my family loves me because that's what families have to do and not because of the way i am (Moimeme, was that your take also??).

 

so at some point, i also began to hang out with Latin Americans (i wish i started earlier) (Moimeme, another similarity!). they're much more touchy, huggy, sweet, warm, etc. at first i thought "oh, what a soap opera", this is so fake and silly. but later i realized it's not. it's important to hug, and say sweet things, and be a warm person... and that it's possible to do all that without being cheesy.

 

it was a hard-learned lessons b/c i kept looking back to my parents who never touch each other in public, and don't do more than lean on each other in front of me. i enjoyed POD (public display of attention) but it felt... sinful? now i realize there's nothing wrong with it (within limits).

 

enough for now,

-yes

[BlockHead]

Those who use the expression "I think", "I see" "I hear you" are more analytical as opposed to "I feel".

There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Do you believe in introverted thinking and extraverted feeling personality types, or do you think that is all socialized? I believe that personality traits are inborn. Arguably, if that is forced, a child's personality development can be stunted.

In order to fit into mainstream thought, phrases, words are analyzed and mimicked to appear normal but the tone is missing and some of these repressed types simply mimic what they think you want to hear but it doesn't sound real. A bit flat.

Arguably, the introverted thinker’s auxiliary extraverted feeler is underdeveloped. Because of that, the person’s use of feeling is childlike.

 

I came across an author who believed the ideal is a pure sensing person who can see the world as it is. I prefer some form of analysis and symbolism. That person can see and appreciate the beauty of a rose. I can see the elegance of an abstract idea.

 

There are many different interpretations.

Believe what you want.

[peaches1234]

Liv'n:

The last bit you put there, about not wanting to express emotion in public and being defensive I can offer some relation to. The ex I was referring to earlier also had these traits when we were together. What is so strange is that in almost every aspect of his life he is so giving, except for when it comes to expressing love to others. Even to his mom, whom he is very close with, he cannot say "I love you".

 

His behaviour has always baffled me becasue he has such a strong desire to be there for others and listen to their problems (psychology major), but when it comes to asking him to express how he feels he clams. He was like this with me, with a former best friend who was also very affetionate, and with his family.

 

It's almost as if he is afraid to let others know he needs them? Perhaps it's a fear of being hurt? I'm not sure.

[yes]

i don't know if all of us colder people are like me, but i personally don't enjoy being like that, - i always try to defrost, and am thankful to anybody who pushes me in that direction. it takes a while.

 

also, us colder ppl do tend to bottle up all kinds of feelings, i believe. but at some point, the bubble bursts, and we realize that it's impossible to stay sane & hide your heart from the world, and we open up - both to the joy of sincere positive interaction and deep pain.

 

2c,

-yes

[Arabess]

You know Liv'n....I think each person has to find the "other" person who responds in a way which makes them feel valuable. If you don't feel it from this guy......maybe it's time to move on. Then again....if you love him enough.....maybe you should accept the fact that he isn't so" verbally responsive"....but has other ways of showing his feelings for you. Just cause someone doesn't like to talk about their emotions....doesn't mean they don't have any. Men, in particular, don't always feel comfortable with the mushy verbal side. That doesn't make him a "cave man"......just someone who you need to possibly communicate with on another level.

[Liv'nLearning]

Blockhead,

 

I can see you may be a tad defensive here.

 

I personally think on the other extreme, those who wear their hearts on their sleeves and gush 24/7 can be repugnant. Surely there can be a happy balance? Emotional reassurance is normal from time to time.

 

My research comes from a book about people who are Emotionally Unavailable and cannot express themselves in a relationship.

 

I do think personally, there is a difference between those who do feel very deeply but are embarrased to show it and others who are so totally shut down internally, expression just flys over their heads.

 

I do think one requires analytical minds in the workplace as well as life in general but.......it's particularly difficult to love someone who cannot express themselves to you in an intimate way. That would be forcing your loved one to assume how you feel about them. That can be a very lonely journey for the partner trying to second guess whether they are truly loved.

 

Granted, taking out the garbage can also be an expression of love, so can fixing something around the house etc. and yes, it can mean a lot but, without true communication from time to time...it can be bloody lonely.

[Arabess]

AGREED!!! It's "bloody lonely as hell"......but if you love the man....do you throw him out of the window because he's unresponsive???? I can say I WOULD.....but...then again....I'm single. If I loved a man enough....maybe I'd learn to accept what little emotional response he had to offer. I don't know for sure. That's a hard call.

[BlockHead]

Liv'nLearning

I can see you may be a tad defensive here.

Let me refresh your memory.

Liv'nLearning

Those who use the expression "I think", "I see" "I hear you" are more analytical as opposed to "I feel".

I got the idea that you were referring to me. I prefer to signify some of the things I say with those phrases so that there is no confusion between my own ideas and interpretations, and ideas from an author or a theory.

 

I provided a different interpretation of the scenario. Thinking back, I’m sure that CelticAnastasia could have provided you with a radical feminist interpretation.

Liv'nLearning

My research comes from a book about people who are Emotionally Unavailable and cannot express themselves in a relationship.

There are many books on psychology with many different theories.

[moimeme]

i've always felt that my family loves me because that's what families have to do and not because of the way i am (Moimeme, was that your take also??).

 

Exactly! Your family's 'job' is to love you, isn't it? Now, when I hear about how many people have had to survive family dysfunction, I'm grateful that mine was not that way, but at the time, I figured all families were like the ones in the books where mommy and daddy loved you.

 

Let's not forget 'love languages', people. It is a good theory.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t26593/?highlight=love+languages

[Infusion]

From what I have gathered so far, those who don't want to feel (literally) were emotionally shut down at a young age either by family, friends, a teacher etc. They were taught to repress emotions. Don't cry.....that's for sissies etc. They were literally shut down for fear of rejection by someone they respected or loved.

 

 

 

 

I found that tidbit there a lot of help, as my girlfriend is that type of person. She is not at all like most girls I know in the sense that she doesn't prefer holding hands, stroking, or anything that involves touch, although she does give me lots of hugs most of the time. I think she fits into the category of people with repressed emotions, and with previous feelings of rejection from the society, as she is not living with her birth parents and was adopted. That probably has an enormous impact on her. However, sometimes I think that I do want to be able to hold her hand while we walk, or that she could feel me more, maybe for reassurance of the love between us. We both love each other but it seems that she usually has trouble telling me (but she does show it sometimes). I just want to know though, if I want to be able to do more involving touch, (mostly holding hands I think), would that make her feel uncomfortable? Should I talk to her about it again? I know I don't neccessarily need it but I truly like that feeling and it makes me feel more connected when I am with her.

 

Any help and advice is very much appreciated, thanks.

[Infusion]

Advice? Anyone? I know it sounds stupid in a way but I don't quite know what to do about my situation...

So I just want to see what any of you would do in a situation like this, thanks.

[Liv'nLearning]

Infusion,

 

Would you consider slow reinforced behaviour such as saying something like...."I love it when you touch me that way" from time to time. Show her that you are open to her advances.

 

To come on strong and blurt out that they seem so repressed is a total no no as it will force her back into her shell and feel intimidated by you.

 

Verbal and physical praise at a slow pace is great although there is a possibility this is who she is and no matter what you do or say, she may feel 'comfortable' the way she is and may even resent you. She has to be open too.

 

Good luck!

[Amberlyn]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy. We were best friends forever and then roommates for a while, and we've been 'officially' together for a year. We had very different upbringings... my family was always very touchy-feely, affectionate, lots of hugs and I love you's. His family, on the other hand, never touched each other unless it was necessary, there was no tucking the kids into bed or saying I love you. In fact, in the seven years we've known each other, I think I've only heard he and his mom say they love each other twice, and they're fairly close. As a result, I'm a lot more open with my feelings towards him than he is towards me.

 

In the past year, since starting to actually be together, it's been kind of an awkward conversion from inseparable best friends to relationship partners. He came to bed one night, I rolled over, cuddled up to him, and said "I love you" for the first time. He was just frozen in place, had no idea what to do. That was over four months ago, and he still can't find a way to say it back. At the same time, I know he feels it, because he constantly shows me. I know he's uncomfortable with touching in public, but he goes out of his way to do it. Same way that being physically affectionate (hugs, touches, kisses) doesn't come as natural to him, but he makes a huge effort to do it. So I'm not even upset that he hasn't said the words back. It's obvious that he feels it, and he even told me once that he's "working on the mushy stuff." I just chalk it up to different personalities, and realize we are both compromising. The trend of moving towards each other on this is much more important to me than the speed at which it happens.

 

I don't know where the quote comes from, but I live by it...

 

"Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have."