iwanttolive Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Dear LS, I'm struggling. Is this acceptable? Am I petty for being upset? This is rather complicated. She was his 'informal gf'. Both of them just came out of relationship and agreed to be each other's support until they each find someone right. Apparently, gal fell in love with my bf, but my bf was not romantically attracted to her. Gal loved him and helped him a lot. Slept together before. So when he 'broke it off' to be with me, he did not dare to tell her about me as he did not want to hurt her. He's been above board with me. He tells me everything and begged me to trust him. When she told him she was lonely, he told her that she deserves someone who loves her whole-heartedly. She asked him to accompany her jogging and he agreed. He said he could see that she's healing and would introduce us in time to come. In this situation, do I have any reason to be jealous? Hope you could help me put things in perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 So when he 'broke it off' to be with me, he did not dare to tell her about me as he did not want to hurt her. So he hurts you instead? Sounds like a winner. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 If he was upfront about it and was the person that told you, instead of you catching him doing it, then he's trying to be honest and there's not much you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 So what was your reaction to him? Did you suck it up and say 'SURRRE, no problem' or did you express any concern? Is he just being clueless to your feelings because you're hiding them or is he dismissing them? I'm assuming you acted like it was no problem. You are obviously concerned and should tell him. Personally, I would NEVER go for that situation. I can't stand when my gf's exs even email her. If it were me, I'd put an end to it. If he totally dismisses your feelings to avoid hurting her feelings, I would reevaluate his priorities. BTW, he's being rotten to her too by jogging with her. She will NEVER get over him now. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 She doesn't even know about you. I would have a talk with your boyfriend and express your concerns. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to tell her about you. If he is unwilling to do this, then he is more concerned with her feelings than yours. This situation would definitely make me uncomfortable. How he handles it will tell you a lot about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 How about meeting her.. and join them for the jogging session... If he refuses, dump him right there... he's not worth your energy and your precious time.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iwanttolive Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 But he could have kept it from me and I would not know anything... If I end things with him, he might try to get me back by lying to me and seeing her behind my back.. I did not exactly bark at him for seeing her.. But I did tell him I was upset. He begged me to trust him. It's not possible to stop them from seeing each other because they are in the same martial art class Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 But he could have kept it from me and I would not know anything... If I end things with him, he might try to get me back by lying to me and seeing her behind my back.. I did not exactly bark at him for seeing her.. But I did tell him I was upset. He begged me to trust him. It's not possible to stop them from seeing each other because they are in the same martial art class Well then.. trust your instinct.. if you think he's OK with her.. just let him do what he wants.. (he'll do what he wants anyway)... and deal with it.. but the fact that he's keeping you away is NOT a good sign.. trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
imonyourside Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 For me, this would be a deal breaker. If I was this guys current girlfriend and he was keeping ME a secret from his ex, that just doesn't make any sense! She's a big girl - he doesn't have to soften every blow in her life. This is one of the times where he needs to stick up for you. If you are going to be a part of his future, and she is not, then why would he put her up on this pedastal? I'm sorry. It just doesn't make any sense to me. How long have you two been dating? I Guess if it's just the beginning it would be okay because he doesn't have a whole lot of stock in you right away.. but after a couple of months he should be prioritizing what is most important - you. He cannot be super nice and hide his gf from people just because they have "fallen in love with him" and "he doesn't want to hurt their feelings". Thats absurd! Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Even if your bf is being genuine about his intentions, not lying to you, totally trustworthy, what good will come out of this? He explained to you that 'she is healing'. Ironically, by jogging with her, all that healing will go right out the window. Then it will get ugly for all three of you. My prediction: She will begin to ask more of him and his contact with her will escalate beyond his control. He still may be trying to 'help' her with no intentions of cheating, but he will eventually have to hide this contact to prevent you from getting very upset. You will find out about this contact somehow and he will have innocently doomed your trust and relationship. That's the BEST case scenario giving them BOTH the benefit of the doubt. This is doing her or him no good (unless he is actually trying to get back together with her; then it will do them both good). As for you, either way, there's no good, or even neutral outcome for you. Link to post Share on other sites
love2dance Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I think that you need to tell your b/f that you don't think that it is ok for him to hide you from anyone. It is creepy that he feels like he has to keep you secret from her. Is she mentally unstable or anything? If not, then he is just enjoying the ego stroke of having a girl pine for him... I think that you should join them on their morning jog, or pick him up at the martial arts class one day soon, and kiss him in front of her... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Why not meet her and invite her to dinner one night so you can get to know her? Link to post Share on other sites
doublescorpio Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Is she mentally unstable or anything? If not, then he is just enjoying the ego stroke of having a girl pine for him... I think that you should join them on their morning jog, or pick him up at the martial arts class one day soon, and kiss him in front of her... I completely agree with this advice. I was once in a relationship like yours (long ago) where the boy kept a girl he KNEW liked him at arms length and did not tell her about me. It was 100% an ego stroke for him. It was a dealbreaker for me. I too think you should join them for the jog and introduce yourself. You don't have to put him in a 'her or me' relationship, he has been honest with you this far but I think you need to be introduced as his girlfriend to avoid mix up. If you suspect he is cheating on you emotionally however, I would dump him ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Jogging, martial arts class...what else do they do together? Are you sure you know everything about their relationship? Consider that if he's lying to her about dating you, then he's a lying liar who lies. How are you supposed to trust that he's always telling you the truth when he's perfectly happy to lie to her about something so important? I'd tell him he needs to tell her that he's dating you. If he won't, then he obviously prioritizes her feelings over yours, and that's not the kind of guy I'd want to be dating. Link to post Share on other sites
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