Legit or am I naive for trusting her?

[Mikau]

A few months ago I met this girl online. We started talking, and we really hit it off. At the moment we're "just friends", although I suspect I might be feeling more. The thing is, she lives in Brazil while I live in the Netherlands. Everybody in my personal life is supportive of this, but recently I've talked to a few people online who tell me I'm likely being lied to. Either for money (although I have none ^^), or because some women apparently just like to play with men. Even though I trust her, a seed of doubt has been planted by this person. That's why I want to basically share my story here, because you are probably better at telling me whether or not this is shady. If you think it's shady I'll try to verify her story (she has given me plenty of information I can quite easily check up on). This after reading the LoveNoob story. I thought it was really obvious he was being lied to and my story was nothing like that, but maybe I'm just too blind to see the red flags in my own story.

 

We met online in March of this year. She contacted me via Skype, saying she was from Brazil, trying to study English and she was looking for someone to help her with that, somebody to talk to. I didn't trust it at all, thinking it was some kind of scam. When I told her, she offered to show herself and the book she uses to study English. I accepted and she showed me, and we've been talking since.

 

After a few days she told me something really personal when we were talking about love lives. She said that she met someone in August the year before. She fell in love, and she thought he felt the same. The guy went home, and she waited for him to come back and "take her with him". When he came back to Brazil in February, he dumped her, and he never spoke to her again. Now comes the part that's especially dodgy, the guy supposedly is from the same town I'm from. Later she has sent me a picture or two of them together, and I recognize his face, so I know he is indeed from my town.

 

Since then we have talked on MSN a lot. She had no trouble coming on webcam to show her own face (even though I don't have a webcam myself), and her 6 kittens (cute ). We also talk regularly on skype, so I have heard her voice. She has also sent me a lot of pictures of herself with her friends. I have also seen her brother on webcam, and she has sent me some pictures of herself with her brother.

 

She has also told me that a friend of hers is married to someone, who's álso from my town. She gave me some details about him (including his name), and I've talked to an colleague of mine and he thinks he knows the guy. I'm not sure though, but if needed I can check it out.

 

She also told me that she was planning to go europe (including the netherlands) with a colleague of hers in October. A month later she told me that the company she worked for needed to let her go due to budget cuts, so she's not coming anymore because she doesn't talk to that colleague anymore. Also, she might be coming to Italy with her brother, to a wedding of a friend of his. I haven't talked to her about this for a while about this though, so don't know what's the plan on this one.

 

I also talked about possibly going to Brazil in December, but that was cancelled because I won't be able to afford it. She seems really disappointed about this.

 

I think this is about it. There are also a lot of subtleties in the way she talks to me that make me trust her (although that could fake if she's decent at reversed psychology), but it's too much to add to this already lengthy posts. If you want to know about them please ask, and I will be as detailed as I can be.

 

So, as I said. The part where she had her heart broken and then sought contact with someone from the same town (even though it's purely platonical at this point) seems a bit shady, but apart from that I have no reason not to trust her.

 

If you guys think it's dodgy though, I'll try to look for the friend's husband she talked about, he should be able to verify her story.

[somuchpain]

Hey my GF is from holland:) But anyway, i remember when i met her, i didnt know wether this was real or not, wether to really trust her and believe this was all really happening and it wsnt some sick scam.

 

Brazil is a long way away, and seeing as she has had relations with a boy you recognize from your town, then id say she wasnt trying to mess you around, i meen id wonder why she was risking having her heart broke again with a boy from the same town, but she clearly is interested in the country, and must be very interested in you. I think you should just roll with it, try not to get in to deep, but just go with it and trust will build over time, and youl see if shes for real or not. Try and get a meet up arranged, must be hard with that sort of distance, but if you have a meeting it will help alot.

 

Theres always a risk with meeting over the internet, people might not be who they say they are, but you said you have seen her on cam, and heard her speak, photos and all, so i dont really see a reason not to carry on with it and i hope it works out well:)

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, I don't see anything sketchy in your post at all. At no point did I get the impression she was telling an untruth about anything. Like you said, you've heard her voice, seen her on cam, know of the guy who broke her heart etc. Her stories check out. Has she asked you for money? What about this person who planted the seed of doubt? Is this a woman? I'm almost wondering if it's not a girl who was jealous or likes you, for the simple fact that nothing you've stated seems to be cause for any alarm, yet this "person" took their sweet time to convince you otherwise. I almost feel like if anything, you shouldn't trust the person planting these "seeds".

[Rollercoasterr]

I don't see anything for you to be suspicious of her behavior. She had no problem showing herself to you, showing you pictures of her and the ex(so that you would know she was telling the truth about the town thing), showing you pictures of her with friends, the kittens, and the brother. The girl actually sounds like she's honest.

 

I don't see any reason at all for you to doubt her, or for the person who is planting the seed to be trying their hand at farming in the first place. Maybe they are jealous? Or if it's a girl that's doing it, maybe they want you. Stuff like that happens.

[Bayern]

Well, what are the chances that so many people from Brazil and the Netherlands are intertwined? It's a bit fishy, but the names seem to check out according to you?

 

How big is your town?

 

I'd say fishy, while not being altogether fraudulent.

[Mikau]

Well, what are the chances that so many people from Brazil and the Netherlands are intertwined? It's a bit fishy, but the names seem to check out according to you?

 

How big is your town?

 

I'd say fishy, while not being altogether fraudulent.

I'm from a town of about 20.000.

 

As I said, I recognize her "ex" from the pictures she sent me. I don't know him personally, but I know for a fact that I have seen him and that he is from my town. A colleague of mine knows somebody who is currently married to a Brazilian woman, I just don't know if it's the same guy as the friend of my "Brazilian connection" (Let's call her Jo, for future reference. Makes it a bit easier)

 

 

About the person who warned me about Jo: She is indeed a girl, and I very much doubt that it's jealousy. We only met about 2 weeks back through World of Warcraft (an online game), where she is part of the same guild. We have talked a bit, but nothing to make me think she'd be interested in me. I haven't told her much about my situation, just mentioned it. I refused to go into details. She had a couple of bad experiences with stories similar to my own (or rather, friends of hers have), so I can see why she would be sceptical.

 

As for asking for money. Jo has never asked me for money. Quite on the contrary. When I mentioned to her that I wanted to send her something for her birthday she only agreed after I pushed a bit, and she made me promise not to spend too much. When I mentioned to her a couple of days ago that I was going to buy a webcam so that she could also see my face (other than foto's that is), she said "I had wanted to ask you, but I didn't want you to spend money on my behalf".

[hoping2heal]

I'm from a town of about 20.000.

 

As I said, I recognize her "ex" from the pictures she sent me. I don't know him personally, but I know for a fact that I have seen him and that he is from my town. A colleague of mine knows somebody who is currently married to a Brazilian woman, I just don't know if it's the same guy as the friend of my "Brazilian connection" (Let's call her Jo, for future reference. Makes it a bit easier)

 

 

About the person who warned me about Jo: She is indeed a girl, and I very much doubt that it's jealousy. We only met about 2 weeks back through World of Warcraft (an online game), where she is part of the same guild. We have talked a bit, but nothing to make me think she'd be interested in me. I haven't told her much about my situation, just mentioned it. I refused to go into details. She had a couple of bad experiences with stories similar to my own (or rather, friends of hers have), so I can see why she would be sceptical.

 

As for asking for money. Jo has never asked me for money. Quite on the contrary. When I mentioned to her that I wanted to send her something for her birthday she only agreed after I pushed a bit, and she made me promise not to spend too much. When I mentioned to her a couple of days ago that I was going to buy a webcam so that she could also see my face (other than foto's that is), she said "I had wanted to ask you, but I didn't want you to spend money on my behalf".

 

Why on earth are you allowing someone you've known for 2 weeks to hold enough weight to plant seeds of doubt in you over a girl who has not from what I can tell done anything fishy at all and has proven herself to you in several ways. I mean really what's going on that you're listening to this other person? They could be anyone, they could be nuts, they could have the worst advice ever, and this is who you're letting cause doubt over a legitimate girl ? Come on shooter.

[Mikau]

I told this person that I trust Jo 100%, that I believe she is who she says she is and that I believe she feels what she says she feels. It's not like I woke up one day and thought "hey, let's stop trusting her". There's just a little voice in the back of my head saying "this could be fake".

 

On one hand, I want to fully trust and commit to this thing. Whether it's a friendship or a possible LDR, I want to be there for her. On the other hand, I don't want my trust abused and I certainly don't want my heart broken. That's why I made this post here, to be reassured in my beliefs that Jo is who she says she is and that this is all 100% real. I imagined you'd be a better judge of this than me, seeing as I'm already in the middle of this. As someone said in the LoveNoob thread, "You can't see how fast a carroussel is spinning if you're in the center".

 

The LoveNoob thread also is a great example why I wanted to see if anyone felt there were red flags. LoveNoob says he trusts the girl he's seeing 100%, whilst pretty much everybody else in that thread had his reservations about the girls honesty. While I don't believe myself to be a person who gets into something blindly without noticing obvious red flags, I could just be naive.

 

I'm not saying that I don't trust her, I just wanted a bit of reassurence, which I've gotten.

[hoping2heal]

I told this person that I trust Jo 100%, that I believe she is who she says she is and that I believe she feels what she says she feels. It's not like I woke up one day and thought "hey, let's stop trusting her". There's just a little voice in the back of my head saying "this could be fake".

 

On one hand, I want to fully trust and commit to this thing. Whether it's a friendship or a possible LDR, I want to be there for her. On the other hand, I don't want my trust abused and I certainly don't want my heart broken. That's why I made this post here, to be reassured in my beliefs that Jo is who she says she is and that this is all 100% real. I imagined you'd be a better judge of this than me, seeing as I'm already in the middle of this. As someone said in the LoveNoob thread, "You can't see how fast a carroussel is spinning if you're in the center".

 

The LoveNoob thread also is a great example why I wanted to see if anyone felt there were red flags. LoveNoob says he trusts the girl he's seeing 100%, whilst pretty much everybody else in that thread had his reservations about the girls honesty. While I don't believe myself to be a person who gets into something blindly without noticing obvious red flags, I could just be naive.

 

I'm not saying that I don't trust her, I just wanted a bit of reassurence, which I've gotten.

 

Well, I believe that was me who said you can't see how fast it's spinning if you're in the center, that said the lovenoob story was very OBVIOUS the girl was lying. She didn't go on cam, he'd never heard her voice, all of her stories were gross exxadgerations, and her behavior was totally contradictory and she said the weirdest **** ever "Even if I wanted to be with someone else, I'd still stay with you" wtf? Your story is a polar opposite from his, completely. Your girl actually does tell the truth and it's verifiable, you have seen her, her brother, her cute kittens etc. I'm glad you got your re assurance.

[somuchpain]

When i started my LDR, i didnt wanna put my heat on the line either, i didnt want to trust someone so much but also have the risk of it being taken away and finding it hard to trust another girl ever, but through all those thoughts, i kept telling myself everything that made it real and true, like the webcam thing, photos, i even saw her parents over cam, she sent letters, was there everyday, she did not in anyway seem like a girl to fake things like this, so eventually i let go and went for it, and today i realise how foolish i was to think all those thoughts about her being a fake.

 

Theres alot of facts you have that shows shes for real, and i think as with any first time relationship, wether Ldr or local, theres always a chance of heart break, but thats a risk you take when falling for someone.

 

As i said before if your reli worryed than try not to get in to deep and wait for a meeting.

[somuchpain]

Heart* lol sorry, not heat on the line, heart on the line

[Mikau]

Thanks for all the input, much appreciated. After reading so many positive responses here I believe the voice in the back of my head has become silent (god, that makes me sound like some loony).

 

In my defence, I have plenty of reasons to be insecure about this. For starters, I've never been in a relationship, and even though this currently can't be considered a relationship, it might turn into one later. She knows how I feel about her, and I suspect she feels the same because of the way she acts and talks towards me, even though she told me she didn't want things to go too fast because she didn't want to get either of our hearts broken. Then there's the age difference, she's 26 and I'm 20, which is a rather big gap. It also doesn't help that I've never been too confident about my looks, whereas she is just gorgeous. And last but not least the fact that we're 5000 miles apart and that she hardly speaks English and I hardly speak Portuguese can't help.

 

Anyway, starting tonight we will use the webcam with our conversations on a more regular basis (which to me, is a huge step). I'll try to not 'get in too deep' and get my hopes up too much, and I'll see what happens. We both want to meet up, but neither of us can really afford to go somewhere that far away at this time, so a meeting might be pretty far in the future. I feel that we still have plenty of room for 'improvement' just talking on MSN though, so there's no need to rush either.

[somuchpain]

Just thot id add, i never had a relationship before my girlfriend now, and i hate my looks, i have no self cnfidence in my looks, but yeah, good luck!

[Mikau]

We talked the entire night yesterday, with voicechat and cam. We exchanged cellphone numbers so we can text eachother and we talkd about all kinds of random stuff. I went to bed at 5 AM, after 4 hours of conversation. I have to admit, being on a webcam wasn't half as awkward as I'd imagined.

 

I have a pretty major 'update' in my situation though, something that confuses me a lot. Quite out of the blue she said she wanted to ask me something personal. I told her to go ahead, and she asked me whether or not I was a virgin. I told her I was, and I said that I want my first time to be with someone special, someone I love and trust, etc. She agreed and said that most men where she lives only care about having sex with as many women as possible, and that that wasn't really for her.

 

Thinking the question was somewhat of a signal, coupled with the signals I thought she'd sent before (more on those later), I told her that it sounded like she was into me. She blushed, said she didn't know what to say and said "don't look at me". She told me she "really likes me a lot, but doesn't know if she feels the same way about me as I do about her yet". We talked about it some more, I asked if it had anything to do with distance and age difference. She confirmed that it might play a part and that she was also scared about what her parents might think. With what happened with her ex-boyfriend, she's pretty sure her parents wouldn't approve at all. Can't really say I blame them, I would probably not approve either if I were in their shoes. We dropped the subject, and our conversation for the night ended.

 

Just now she came online while working, and we talked some more. She said that "I would be a better match than all the men living in her area" and that she "would be very sad if I would get a girlfriend", but she also repeated she doesn't know what kind of feelings she has for me.

 

As for those "signals" I thought she'd sent earlier. About 2 weeks ago we didn't talk much for a couple of days. She was busy at work and went out with friends a couple of times, I was busy here, so we didn't really have time for long conversations for a few days. After 4 days of hardly talking, she comes online and tells me she thought there was something wrong with me, that I was ignoring her. She asked whether I had "grown bored of talking someone you don't know and who doesn't speak your language (this really hurt tbh), and she asked if I had found a girlfriend here. To me, she sounded jealous. Completely oblivious about what I'd done wrong, I told her that her assumptions were wrong. She apologized and we haven't talked about that since.

 

I think it's not that strange that right now I'm very confused. She seems to have feelings for me, although she denies having sent any signals supporting that. She says she doesn't know how she feels about me, but at the same time tells me that she would be sad if I found a girlfriend and that I would be a better match than most men there. What's going on here? Is she indeed into me and just scared because it would be very complicated, or what?

[aerogurl87]

She seems to have feelings for me, although she denies having sent any signals supporting that. She says she doesn't know how she feels about me, but at the same time tells me that she would be sad if I found a girlfriend and that I would be a better match than most men there. What's going on here? Is she indeed into me and just scared because it would be very complicated, or what?

 

I think she likes you. I also think she's just afraid of getting burned again by some guy she falls for off the net. Just take things slow and everything will fall into place in it's due time. In the meantime enjoy getting to know her more and building a solid friendship. A solid friendship is a great basis for any partnership in life, especially a potentially romantic one.

[Lucky_One]

OK - something must be wrong with me. My first thought is that she wants to get out of Brazil to the Netherlands, and she specifically picks you from the town where her ex-love is. There's just an awful lot of geographic coincidence going on here....

[Mikau]

I think she likes you. I also think she's just afraid of getting burned again by some guy she falls for off the net. Just take things slow and everything will fall into place in it's due time. In the meantime enjoy getting to know her more and building a solid friendship. A solid friendship is a great basis for any partnership in life, especially a potentially romantic one.

Yeah, I'm afraid I did not quite take your advice . Seeing as the confusion and insecurity was driving me mad and I could hardly think of anything else, I decided to confront her. I told her that I thought she was sending mixed signals, that it was really confusing me and that I wanted to know what was going on. At first she said it would be better if we would stop having contact, because she "didn't want to interfere with my life". After pressing on a bit she told me that she did have feelings for me, but was confused and scared of what would happen if we would get into a LDR. This because of the long distance and the fact that her family would not approve. As for her family, I'm sure that can be worked around. I'm sure that if I get a chance to meet them I can show to them I'm actually an honest, decent and trustworthy guy, and that I am nothing like her ex. Maybe I'm just naive here, but I don't see her family as as big a problem as she does.

 

What does this mean? Not much. We'll continue the way we did. Talking a lot, including skype and webcam. It just means I will try a little harder to be able to afford going to Brazil in December. We'll see then and there if a LDR has any chance of succeeding.

 

OK - something must be wrong with me. My first thought is that she wants to get out of Brazil to the Netherlands, and she specifically picks you from the town where her ex-love is. There's just an awful lot of geographic coincidence going on here....

Possibly. I've heard a lot of women from Brazil and similar countries are looking for western men to marry for their money, and to get away from their current countries.

 

Jo, however, has said or done nothing that makes me suspect that. Sure, everything sounds a bit too coincidental, but everything she has said to me has checked out. Furthermore, not once has she given me the impression she wants to move from Brazil. Quite on the contrary. We talked about it (in a hypothetical way) what it would be like to leave your country to go live somewhere else, and she seems to really want to live in Brazil. Reasons ranging from not losing friends/families, the weather (she absolutely hates the cold, and compared to Brazil the Netherlands is *very* cold), not really wanting to get into a new language/culture, losing her job, etc. She hasn't ruled out moving, but she would prefer to stay in Brazil. (Note: the conversation about this happened before there was any reason to believe either one of us wanted more than just friendship)

 

She also has never initiated conversation about her boyfriend, and has shown no interest in talking to him/being with him whatsoever. In fact, if she wanted to get back together with him, she could've just asked the husband of her friend, since he's friends with him. Using me to get back in touch with her ex seems really far fetched.

 

Also, I have decided to trust her. I don't want to doubt her integrity every time somebody says "hey, it's fishy". I chose to trust her completely (mostly after reading this thread and contemplating what people have said), and that means I'm not even going to actively wonder whether or not anything she has said or done was a lie. Unless she gives me reason otherwise, I am not doubting her.