I drove by

[Dexter Morgan]

It was not directed at you nor was it intended to be offensive. It's bolded because WHY ON EARTH would anyone add pain to a situation on purpose / deliberately that is already painful?

 

well for one thing, its clear that NC isn't going on and her H still works with the OW. So curiosity at what kind of vehicle she now drives might serve her well in case her H and OW end up seeing each other again.

 

Again, its curiosity.

 

 

The initial affair was painful. YES! Why add salt to an already open wound by driving by the other woman's home?

 

the salt is still being applied by the OW and H since neither of them are taking steps to not be in each other's precense on a daily basis.

[HeidiB125]

It's kind of funny that people will focus on what can be "done" AFTER the affair to work on the marriage. My husband is not the affectionate, loving type and I find that AFTER the affair I need that more than I can say. He refuses to give it. So that can be perhaps part of the reason I can't get past the affair. I think another reason is just the way I am. My makeup as an individual. Perhaps no matter what he does I'll never be able to move past it. I was willing to give it a try and I don't want to put the blame solely on his shoulders for me not being able to move on. I'm finding out it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired.

 

Why do some people have trauma in their lives and seem to pick up the pieces and move on and some people struggle for a lifetime. I think IF my husband was able to step it up things would be easier for me but he doesn't seem to be wired to be able to do that. Should I blame him for that? The only thing I can't get my mind around is his lying and deception about the 4 years of their relationship. Starting out as friends, then an emotional affair for 3 years and then a physical affair.

 

I said to him that I find it hard to accept that there were times I would work on our marriage and greet him at the front door with a kiss and hug and he would be cold. I would then be hurt and withdraw and little did I realize the he was making out with her in the electric room at work that day. I feel like I was in the dark and I NEVER want to go back there. Maybe that is my fear...real or unreal.. that this will happen to me again. There are layers upon layers of emotion and struggle when something like this happens. I just keep taking it one day at a time.

[Owl]

I don't always agree that requiring the WS to find a new job (if they worked with their AP) is necessary or even advisable, considering the current economy.

 

Why add financial stress to a marriage already severely strained by infidelity?

 

Because while the financial stress MIGHT destroy the marriage...you can pretty much rest assured that you KNOW that the inability to rebuild trust WILL destroy the marriage much sooner than that.

 

If the WS is doing the necessary work for marital recovery, then working with the AP, while not ideal, might not be such a factor.

 

If the WS is still in contact with their affair partner...they are NOT doing what is necassary for marital recovery. It's the KEY factor.

 

That said, I think in maddiesue's situation, her husband does not appear to be committed to recovering the marriage. He is still in daily contact with his fOW, and doesn't appear to be trying to be honest with maddie either.

 

Maddie's husband needs to find another job, away from the fOW.

 

Like I said, I find it troubling that he had direct contact with the fOW through a phone call about the 'drive by' but he doesn't divulge it to maddie except as a parting shot on his way out the door.

 

 

Where Maddie's H is at right now is a direct result of the fact that he's still working with OW. NC was never established. Therefore it's not the least bit surprising that she called him. It's MORE surprising that H told Maddie at all.

 

This entire situation is where it's at BECAUSE he still works with OW. It's exactly WHY he's still getting calls from her 1.5 yars later.

 

It proves what I've been saying all along.

[bentnotbroken]

It was not directed at you nor was it intended to be offensive. It's bolded because WHY ON EARTH would anyone add pain to a situation on purpose / deliberately that is already painful?

 

The initial affair was painful. YES! Why add salt to an already open wound by driving by the other woman's home?

 

 

 

No I don't presume it takes anyone a certain amount of time to heal (or have no reaction) from anything.(affair or otherwise) We are all different. For some it takes longer than others.

 

 

I know nothing was directed at me and that it wasn't intended to be offensive. I don't believe that was your intent. I still say AP or WS doesn't have the right to say what any BS needs to heal. If she drove by the house, over the house or under the house....if it is what she needed at the minute, so be it. It is certain WS and AP did what they needed to satisfy their needs without regard to what the consequences would be. How is the BS any different? Whether she forgives(which I highly recommend for herself) or doesn't forgive WS, that shouldn't be something that the AP should have an opinion about one way or the other.

 

I think OP has more to deal with because of her H and OW reaction. If one time sent OW over the edge, there is more there than meets the eye(couldn't help, I love TRANSFORMERS:o). Adding salt to a wound is her decision and not necessary for anyone other than her to understand. If driving by a house one time in 1.5 years is adding salt, then there is a whole lot of lying still going on from the WS and AP. IMO her H has yet to do what it takes for her to move any farther than under her own steam.

[Snowflower]

I don't always agree that requiring the WS to find a new job (if they worked with their AP) is necessary or even advisable, considering the current economy.

 

Why add financial stress to a marriage already severely strained by infidelity?

 

Because while the financial stress MIGHT destroy the marriage...you can pretty much rest assured that you KNOW that the inability to rebuild trust WILL destroy the marriage much sooner than that.

 

 

 

If the WS is still in contact with their affair partner...they are NOT doing what is necassary for marital recovery. It's the KEY factor.

 

 

 

 

Where Maddie's H is at right now is a direct result of the fact that he's still working with OW. NC was never established. Therefore it's not the least bit surprising that she called him. It's MORE surprising that H told Maddie at all.

 

This entire situation is where it's at BECAUSE he still works with OW. It's exactly WHY he's still getting calls from her 1.5 yars later.

 

It proves what I've been saying all along.

 

I don't disagree with what you are saying here. In this case, maddie's husband should find another job or a way to completely avoid the OW. But, he hasn't done this, for reasons only known to him. Maybe maddie can elaborate for us.

 

Either way, whether he works with the OW or not, the desire to go NC HAS to come from maddie's husband. Sure, not working together would help, depending on how much actual contact maddie's husband has with the OW at work these days. But, simply switching jobs does not ensure NC...there are still ways for the WS and OW to be in contact no matter where they work.

 

Without a willingness by the WS to go NC and maintain it...it doesn't matter if they switch jobs or not.

 

FWIW my FWH still works for the same company as the OW although they do not work together. They are not even in the same city. My husband willingly went NC with the OW-it didn't matter where he worked.

 

In the situation here on this thread, NC has to be established by maddie's husband and looking at maddie's latest post it appears there are a lot of things NOT happening in regards to the recovery of her marriage.

[redtail]

etc...

I just keep taking it one day at a time.

 

Maddiesue my dear, you are truly a sweetheart, please do not forget that. All of your feelings are valid, I know, I've been there and I know just how much it hurts. I'm sorry, truly sorry you're feeling this.

 

Others may disagree, some, few, have made it work after an affair. But in my opinion, you need to cut your losses. This situation has all the earmarkings of an eventual crash. In my assestment, you need to get out, force your hand because your husband is not even meeting you half way. You have done everything a BS could, now is the time.

 

The best advise I had was, when you do it, do it quick, do it decisively. There's no turning back because the person you thought your husband was, does not exist. And a year from now, you'll be better off, believe me.

 

I wish you all the best!

[silktricks]

It was not directed at you nor was it intended to be offensive. It's bolded because WHY ON EARTH would anyone add pain to a situation on purpose / deliberately that is already painful?

 

The initial affair was painful. YES! Why add salt to an already open wound by driving by the other woman's home?

 

No I don't presume it takes anyone a certain amount of time to heal (or have no reaction) from anything.(affair or otherwise) We are all different. For some it takes longer than others.

 

Whose pain are we discussing? The BS or the OW? Because if it's the BS, it's fairly obvious that driving by the house was her choice, therefore most probably did NOT add salt to the open wound. If it's the OW's open wound we're discussing, then why on earth should the BS care about the feelings of a woman who so very obviously didn't give a tinker's dam about her?

[Snowflower]

It's kind of funny that people will focus on what can be "done" AFTER the affair to work on the marriage. My husband is not the affectionate, loving type and I find that AFTER the affair I need that more than I can say. He refuses to give it. So that can be perhaps part of the reason I can't get past the affair. I think another reason is just the way I am. My makeup as an individual. Perhaps no matter what he does I'll never be able to move past it. I was willing to give it a try and I don't want to put the blame solely on his shoulders for me not being able to move on. I'm finding out it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired.

 

Why do some people have trauma in their lives and seem to pick up the pieces and move on and some people struggle for a lifetime. I think IF my husband was able to step it up things would be easier for me but he doesn't seem to be wired to be able to do that. Should I blame him for that? The only thing I can't get my mind around is his lying and deception about the 4 years of their relationship. Starting out as friends, then an emotional affair for 3 years and then a physical affair.

 

I said to him that I find it hard to accept that there were times I would work on our marriage and greet him at the front door with a kiss and hug and he would be cold. I would then be hurt and withdraw and little did I realize the he was making out with her in the electric room at work that day. I feel like I was in the dark and I NEVER want to go back there. Maybe that is my fear...real or unreal.. that this will happen to me again. There are layers upon layers of emotion and struggle when something like this happens. I just keep taking it one day at a time.

 

Oh maddie, I feel for you. It has to be so difficult when your husband won't give you what you need to heal.

 

Just do what you think is best for you and your kids.

 

(((hugs)))

[confusedinkansas]

Whose pain are we discussing? The BS or the OW? Because if it's the BS, it's fairly obvious that driving by the house was her choice, therefore most probably did NOT add salt to the open wound. If it's the OW's open wound we're discussing, then why on earth should the BS care about the feelings of a woman who so very obviously didn't give a tinker's dam about her?

 

I am discussing the pain of the original poster. The BS in this thread.

She is obviously in a great deal of pain that her husband had an affair with a woman at work. I think she's making it harder on herself to drive by the other womans home. You can't tell me it doesn't stir up powerful emotions to do such a thing. Why make it worse on yourself?

I'm not bashing the OP - I am just wondering why someone would put theirself in a situation & make the pain even greater by seeing the other woman's family getting out of the car. (Yeah I know she didn't plan for them to be right there when she drove by)

I've done my share of "drive by's" & "Stalkerish" behaviors. I know the emotions & feelings it conjures up. I just don't get why she'd make it harder on herself than it already OBVIOUSLY is.

 

I'm not an advocate for knee jerk divorces. But your husband doesn't sound like he's INTO making this work.

[silktricks]

I am discussing the pain of the original poster. The BS in this thread.

She is obviously in a great deal of pain that her husband had an affair with a woman at work. I think she's making it harder on herself to drive by the other womans home. You can't tell me it doesn't stir up powerful emotions to do such a thing. Why make it worse on yourself?

I'm not bashing the OP - I am just wondering why someone would put theirself in a situation & make the pain even greater by seeing the other woman's family getting out of the car. (Yeah I know she didn't plan for them to be right there when she drove by)

I've done my share of "drive by's" & "Stalkerish" behaviors. I know the emotions & feelings it conjures up. I just don't get why she'd make it harder on herself than it already OBVIOUSLY is.

 

I'm not an advocate for knee jerk divorces. But your husband doesn't sound like he's INTO making this work.

 

First, I absolutely agree with your last sentence.

 

What I meant in my post is simply that driving by someone else's house may increase someone's pain, but it can also decrease it. It doesn't have to be for reason's of stalking, but if your husband is at place A and she is at place B, then you know for certain that they aren't together..... But most of all, when you are in a lot of pain you can start doing just about anything that you think at the moment will decrease it, even when it doesn't make a whole lot of sense at the time....

[confusedinkansas]

even when it doesn't make a whole lot of sense at the time....

 

Agree 100%.

Pain, hurt, anxiety, yadda yadda yadda....Will most definitely cause you to do things that you normally wouldn't do - or that make much sense at the time.

 

But what if her husbands car was in the driveway?

[silktricks]

Agree 100%.

Pain, hurt, anxiety, yadda yadda yadda....Will most definitely cause you to do things that you normally wouldn't do - or that make much sense at the time.

 

But what if her husbands car was in the driveway?

 

Then you know reality, the snowjob is over and you file for divorce!

 

(Oh yeah, and you make sure there are no weapons in the vehicle BEFORE you do the drive-by!!)

[Owl]

I am discussing the pain of the original poster. The BS in this thread.

She is obviously in a great deal of pain that her husband had an affair with a woman at work. I think she's making it harder on herself to drive by the other womans home. You can't tell me it doesn't stir up powerful emotions to do such a thing. Why make it worse on yourself?

I'm not bashing the OP - I am just wondering why someone would put theirself in a situation & make the pain even greater by seeing the other woman's family getting out of the car. (Yeah I know she didn't plan for them to be right there when she drove by)

I've done my share of "drive by's" & "Stalkerish" behaviors. I know the emotions & feelings it conjures up. I just don't get why she'd make it harder on herself than it already OBVIOUSLY is.

 

I'm not an advocate for knee jerk divorces. But your husband doesn't sound like he's INTO making this work.

 

She drove by OW's place.

 

If NC was in place, then there would have been absolutely no issue. There would have been no "additional pain". She would have went past, saw everything looking "normal", and went on.

 

The issue is NOT that she drove past OW's house.

 

The issue is that NC is NOT in place between OW and her H.

 

Driving past OW's house is trivial, relatively unimportant overall. The "stalkerish" behavior is NORMAL for most BS's. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why they go through this, or to see that it takes a long time to heal/recover from the damage done. As I'd mentioned before...at the timeframe she is in, I engaged in some similar kinds of behaviors.

 

The real issue here isn't that she 'screwed up' by driving past OW's house. The issue here is that OW contacted her H about it. And it took her H a couple of days to even tell her about it...and he deliberately did so in a manner to prevent further discussion on the subject.

[Shygirl15]

It's kind of funny that people will focus on what can be "done" AFTER the affair to work on the marriage. My husband is not the affectionate, loving type and I find that AFTER the affair I need that more than I can say. He refuses to give it. So that can be perhaps part of the reason I can't get past the affair. I think another reason is just the way I am. My makeup as an individual. Perhaps no matter what he does I'll never be able to move past it. I was willing to give it a try and I don't want to put the blame solely on his shoulders for me not being able to move on. I'm finding out it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired.

I feel ya. I left my husband 4 years after his affair was over and done. I just couldn't get past it.

[PhoenixRise]

It's kind of funny that people will focus on what can be "done" AFTER the affair to work on the marriage. My husband is not the affectionate, loving type and I find that AFTER the affair I need that more than I can say. He refuses to give it. So that can be perhaps part of the reason I can't get past the affair. I think another reason is just the way I am. My makeup as an individual. Perhaps no matter what he does I'll never be able to move past it. I was willing to give it a try and I don't want to put the blame solely on his shoulders for me not being able to move on. I'm finding out it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired.

 

Why do some people have trauma in their lives and seem to pick up the pieces and move on and some people struggle for a lifetime. I think IF my husband was able to step it up things would be easier for me but he doesn't seem to be wired to be able to do that. Should I blame him for that? The only thing I can't get my mind around is his lying and deception about the 4 years of their relationship. Starting out as friends, then an emotional affair for 3 years and then a physical affair.

 

I said to him that I find it hard to accept that there were times I would work on our marriage and greet him at the front door with a kiss and hug and he would be cold. I would then be hurt and withdraw and little did I realize the he was making out with her in the electric room at work that day. I feel like I was in the dark and I NEVER want to go back there. Maybe that is my fear...real or unreal.. that this will happen to me again. There are layers upon layers of emotion and struggle when something like this happens. I just keep taking it one day at a time.

 

Maddiesue

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

 

I think you need to take a step back from this situation with your husband. Doing this when you are in the middle of an emotional crisis is hard but I think it is necessary. If your husband is not giving you what you need to heal from HIS infidelity then he is making a choice here. If he is not engaged in recovering the marriage then this is also a choice. Don't focus on how you want things to be between you and your H in the future. If things were good for you in the past, don't focus on that either.

 

Right here and right now, you are 1.5 years past dday and you still feel like your emotional needs are not being met. Is he actually taking ANY action at all to let you know you are loved and valued? Look at what he is doing. Not what he might be saying to you about your marriage but what he is doing.

 

IF this truly is just who he is, do you want to live with this for the rest of your life? You are warm and affectionate, you deserve someone in your life who appreciates these qualities.

 

Whatever your choices are regarding the marriage Maddie, please take excellent care of yourself. Give yourself all the love and attention that you wish you were getting from your husband. Sometimes a change in focus (changing from focusing on H and marriage to focusing on Maddisue and her needs) can make all the difference and make everything crystal clear.

 

Good luck and I truly wish you the best.

Phoenix.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU - I completely understand, but exactly how does lashing out at a OW help the M?

 

She didn't lash out at the EXOW. She drove by! I think this is being totally blown out of proportion. It's not like she stopped and yelled at the exOW, nor spoke to exOM's husband. Just drove by. Big deal.

 

The real issue should be her husband. What the exOW feels and thinks doesn't matter at all.

[whichwayisup]

It's kind of funny that people will focus on what can be "done" AFTER the affair to work on the marriage. My husband is not the affectionate, loving type and I find that AFTER the affair I need that more than I can say. He refuses to give it. So that can be perhaps part of the reason I can't get past the affair. I think another reason is just the way I am. My makeup as an individual. Perhaps no matter what he does I'll never be able to move past it. I was willing to give it a try and I don't want to put the blame solely on his shoulders for me not being able to move on. I'm finding out it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired.

 

Why do some people have trauma in their lives and seem to pick up the pieces and move on and some people struggle for a lifetime. I think IF my husband was able to step it up things would be easier for me but he doesn't seem to be wired to be able to do that. Should I blame him for that? The only thing I can't get my mind around is his lying and deception about the 4 years of their relationship. Starting out as friends, then an emotional affair for 3 years and then a physical affair.

 

I said to him that I find it hard to accept that there were times I would work on our marriage and greet him at the front door with a kiss and hug and he would be cold. I would then be hurt and withdraw and little did I realize the he was making out with her in the electric room at work that day. I feel like I was in the dark and I NEVER want to go back there. Maybe that is my fear...real or unreal.. that this will happen to me again. There are layers upon layers of emotion and struggle when something like this happens. I just keep taking it one day at a time.

 

Your husband NEEDS to change his ways, become abit more affectionate, show you that he does need, want, love you. Not just say it and not follow through with actions. Did you two do counselling together? Has he truly shown remorse for his cheating? To me, it doesn't seem like he's done too much in trying to regain your faith and trust in him again. Money or not, he SHOULD have quit his job. 1.5 years later and he's still there IS a big issue. How can anyone move past all this if they still work together and see eachother daily? Even if they don't speak, only in a professional way, how about those feelings they felt? Some will say verbal NC is enough, but visually it matters too.

 

I'm not an advocate for knee jerk divorces. But your husband doesn't sound like he's INTO making this work.

 

I agree. 100%.

 

I wouldn't say divorce him, but somehow he needs to suffer some more consquences to change his ways and really think long and hard about what he's doing. A trial separation might be something to think about.. He needs a wake up call and swift kick in the butt.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not an advocate for knee jerk divorces.

 

 

theres nothing "knee jerk" about getting a divorce after one spouse has cheated.

 

Knee jerk would be wanting to divorce someone for cheating when there was no proof that any such thing went on, or going purely on speculation.

 

If one has established as fact that infidelity has occurred, then there isn't anything knee jerk about it.

[redtail]

theres nothing "knee jerk" about getting a divorce after one spouse has cheated.

...

 

Yes, this is true. I wish I would've had this forum to talk to when I found out that my first wife cheated on me. After I found out and things were "reconciled" between us, she just got better at hiding the affair from me. I was blind to it until I found proof.

 

I remarried years after and I discussed my feelings regarding infidelity with my second wife prior to getting married. I said, I have a zero tolerance policy, if I ever find out she cheated, she's out. She agreed.

 

Call it knee jerk if you like...

[2sunny]

the fact that she even phoned him on a Friday instead of just waiting calmly until Monday at work to inform him of the drive by shows that she intends to stir up trouble and make Maddie look bad.

 

the fact that H took the call - waited to deliver the info (dishonest and deceptive) then dumped it on her when he was leaving as if she had done something wrong shows that his alliance is not with Maddie.

 

he doesn't show affection knowing full well you need it. hasn't done the necessary foot work to reassure you that it isn't happening now and never will happen again. isn't interested in YOUR well being - but just what suits him best. he considers OW and her side more than you.

 

all the evidence shows he is still cheating.

 

i'm not understanding what motivates a gal to stay with a man that is unavailable emotionally, mentally and who disregards her at each turn? when he seems to have opportunities to give you confidence that he loves, respects and honors you as a woman - he fails. what is attractive about that? i would rather be alone than wonder how my H is planning to make me feel like $hit on any given day. to love oneself and expect those around us to love us as well is called common decency... he doesn't even have that!

[Reggie]

Agree 100%.

Pain, hurt, anxiety, yadda yadda yadda....Will most definitely cause you to do things that you normally wouldn't do - or that make much sense at the time.

 

But what if her husbands car was in the driveway?

 

I doubt driving by is the type of thing likely to cause pain. And, obviously, if her husband's car was there, she'd be saving herself a lot of pain by finding out. It's a helluve a lot better to find out , than to be gaslit.

[2sunny]

i'm wondering how the affair came to light? was he the one to tell? does her husband know?

 

is it possible he has an extra cell phone, pager system through work of which they communicate as well? you need to find out more info immediately!

 

WHY would she totally over react if there is nothing she's hiding? SHE and HE are the guilty parties - not a person driving by for reassurance! if it were me i'd call her NOW - AT HOME!!! give her a piece of my mind and tell her you can drive wherever you want whenever you want... and if she has a problem with that - you'll have a PI follow her around 24/7 if you need to!!!

 

this is important info - considering the circumstances...

[Gamine]

The thing that bothers me the most about this scenario is that the OW felt comfortable enough to call him for him to 'protect her and her marriage' from his own wife... calling him to protect her. In my opinion he should have told her 'too bad' and that he spouse was entitled to basically do anything she wanted at this point given their poor conduct. I mean, this OW isn't exactly a poor little flower. She had no problem putting her through the wringer I think the BS in this situation is entitled to make the OW feel at least a bit uncomfortable if she so chooses. Really. She's a big enough girl to stab her own husband in the back and drop her drawers for someone else's husband, I think she can take it. Typical narcissism.

 

Your husband should have told her where to go and shouldn't have come to the 'poor damsel's' rescue.

[whichwayisup]

The real issue here isn't that she 'screwed up' by driving past OW's house. The issue here is that OW contacted her H about it. And it took her H a couple of days to even tell her about it...and he deliberately did so in a manner to prevent further discussion on the subject.

 

Exactly. And because of that, something is wrong - Maybe he isn't physically back into the affair, but he more than likely is back in the A on an emotional level. Fact that OW felt comfortable to call him does show NC is NOT in place at all.

 

Giving Maddie crap for driving by is INSANE! NONE of this is her fault, even if afew think it is. HER husband is to blame, as well as the OW.

 

Maddie, does OW's husband actually know the truth? If not, then it's time to tell him.. If he knew, I highly doubt he would be pleased to know about the call, let alone them working together daily.

[Dexter Morgan]

Can you please point out where the BS "lashed out" at the OW? I don't see how driving down one's street can be construed as "lashing out."

 

your gonna be waiting a loooooong time for an answer to that good question.