younglady50 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I have been with my b/f for 13 years. We were both married and have grown children. We have had a few breakups during this period, because of different issues. After dating for 3 months, my b/f bought an engagement ring unbeknownst to me. He held onto it for a long time. While we were dating, I always told him that I did not want to get married again. He must have assumed sooner or later that I would change my mind. Well, I haven't. During those years of dating, around the 8th year, he mentions that he bought a ring for me. He said, since you don't want to get married, you can wear it just to show our commitment to each other. I agreed. I wear it on my left hand finger. He will say often, "we could have such a good life if you would only marry me." Usually, when he talks like this, I don't respond, and change the subject. I have been on my own for 16 years, raised my children alone. I never got child support from their father because he was always trying to screw the system by not working. My children and I had a very tough life. I don't have much faith in being married. I make my own money, etc. I don't depend on anyone except myself. I live in my house and he lives in his. We have never co-habitated full time except on the weekends. I like my "alone" time. I see my b/f about 3-4 times a week. I need time to spend with my friends, movies, etc. and just chilling in my house. I have always been a loner and I like it that way. On the other hand, my b/f is 66. He is not in the best of health. He is retired and receives a nice pension. So, financially he is doing very well. He could give me a very good life. But, I just don't want to have to answer, explain where my money is going, etc. to a man. I don't want to ever depend on a man for anything. Is this reason enough not to want to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Marrying a man shouldn't mean you have to depend on him and explain how you spend your own money etc. Marriage is a partnership, and is supposedly about two people who love each other wanting to be together. Plus if you marry him you will probably inherit everything, with no inheritance tax to pay, whereas if you're unmarried you may be unable to claim a penny. Having said that, it sounds like you don't want to get married because you like your freedom - if you got married you'd have to live in the same house, spend more time with him, etc. If you don't want to give up that freedom then that's a valid reason not to get married. But old-fashioned ideas about a man somehow "owning" you and you being accountable to him and depending on him are just rubbish. Why does he want to marry you, considering that you're both obviously happy with your arrangement of living apart, and have been for some years? Maybe he wants an unpaid nursemaid to look after him in his old age - after all he is 66 and his health won't last forever, it would be handy for him to have a (younger?) wife around to put him on the toilet and cook for him etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author younglady50 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 From early on in the relationship, he has wanted to get married. He would like to have me full time and spend our years together. I am sure being younger and knowing that I would take care of him is a plus on his part. I just can't see myself doing that. I can take care of him on a part-time basis, but full time, I don't think so. That doesn't sound nice, I know. But he could live to be 80 years old and I would be a full time, non paid nursemaid. I have worked too hard all my life to be tied down. I want to be able to travel and do things with my friends and him and try to enjoy life to the best of my ability. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 It's not wrong to not marry, many people decide that that marriage just isn't for them. What's odd about your situation is that to you the "upside" of marring your bf is him being older, in poor health and having money It's like you'd go in to this marriage thinking that he'll die soon and leave you money Had you felt that you didn't want to marry again simply because you've been down that road before, and at this time in your life felt like love and commitment are enough it would be a different story. You've been with him for 13 years, and not once if your post about marring him did you say you love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 It's not wrong to not want to get married, at any age, for any reason. DO NOT go into marriage, without the right attitude. I would also have the same concerns as you, about becoming a nurse maid. Not only that, but in the U.S., you'll also be responsible for medical insurance and if you don't have it, you're reliant on a hand out. If you were both financially secure, this would be a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 How does the thought of taking care of him in his inevitably declining health make you feel? Even "part time" in separate lives, it's still gotta be a weight on your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author younglady50 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 I do love my b/f, there's no question about that. I wouldn't have been with him for 13 years if I didn't love him. He is 66 years old and I am 53 years old. I just don't want to be married. It doesn't matter about his health, I will be there for him either way. I would just rather live in my house and he in his. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Don't marry him then. Simples Link to post Share on other sites
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