Apparently "just friends" but...

[girlwithbigearrings]

I’ve known this guy for about almost 6 months now. We’ve talked on and off for the first 4 months and just recently, I’d say since a month and so ago we’ve been talking almost everyday and been hanging out more frequently. When I met him, we just had this instant chemistry and we had lots of fun together, BUT he was in this weird situation with his girlfriend at the time of almost 4 years. They were broken up at the time we met, but few weeks later they got back together. I didn’t want anything to do with someone with a girlfriend so I put myself out of the situation and stopped talking to him despite the fact he said he still wanted to be friends. A month and so goes by without talking and I hear from him again letting me know he and his girlfriend had broken up and this time it is definitely over for good. And telling me that we should start hanging out and asking me out and stuff. By then, I was just over it. I thought to myself I was not interested at all to become his rebound girl and so every time he had asked me to hang out I made excuses and brushed him off as nicely as I possibly could have. Also at that time, I was already seeing someone else. And after a while, we stop having contact with each other again. So this “someone else” I was seeing turns out to be a jerkface…and maybe because I was feeling lonely at the time just having wasted my time with a jerkface, I this time initiate contact with this guy this whole thing is actually about. At this point in time, he was seeing someone else. That was fine with me, I genuinely just wanted to be friends with him. Unexpectedly, a week later he tells me he broke it off with the girl he was seeing. I can honestly say I was only seeing being friends with this guy up till we started talking and hanging out more constantly…and him showing how amazing of a guy he is and treating me like his girlfriend. I may have made a mistake sleeping with him a week ago without having the talk of where we are heading, sex was damn amazing. Now even after the sex, he was even more attentive to me and been treating me so good.. We hung out a few more times after and again this weekend, with his friends, first time I met a group of his friends..they were all very friendly to me and we all had a good time, note: he was treating me like a definite girlfriend around his friends, he had his arms around me, we held hands, we kissed..in front of his friends. I wasn’t clinging to him, I let him have his own time with his buddies while I was having my own with his other friends. Now we go back to his place, amazing sex again and we fell asleep. Throughout the night I would feel him around me, his arms, his legs, he’s a cuddly guy I like that but I like my own space when sleeping yet still I let him. In the morning, we were joking and teasing each other, laughing and here's a key moment for me: We were talking about making breakfast and so I asked "What do you want?" and he replies "You!", I thought that was so cute…now these are all probably irrelevant little moments I just wanted to relive..hahaha..okay now the thing that boggles me is after all that, the way his actions and words were to me, definitely came on to me as "I really like you more than as friends"…BUT as when he was driving me home, I told him "I think im starting to kinda like you. Is that ok to say?" see how I said kinda - I didn’t wanna overwhelm him. He smiles and says nothing back. Now this is when I start feeling weird, if he likes me in the least way I thought he would have at least said something back. Now we pull up around my house….we were saying our byes, I was feeling insecure at this point, I asked him "Am I going to hear from you again?" he responds "Probably not!....I may not come back from my trip" something along those lines. You should know, He's going out of town for about more than a week in a few days. Now him saying THAT totally and absolutely made me even more insecure. Feeling like I would never actually hear from him again. I was hurt and confused. I wrote him an e-mail, thinking at least if he ignores me that way that would be least hurtful…in the e-mail I said how I felt weird….and how I do actually adore him..Im not playing games…. At this point I could tell I was obsessing over something I had no control over and I didn’t like it… he responds saying something like "Nothing to worry about... I was just messing with you… I will be back… I don’t want to lead you on though, I’m not wanting anymore than just being friends right now…I enjoy hanging out with you and it will happen again"…Now I’m not heartbroken or anything but was I reading all his signs wrong..I feel dumb. Now this is a crucial thing, I responded to that with something like "I never said I wanted to be more than friends!...." Now I feel even more stupid because if there was ever a chance I totally just put it in the garbage with that response. I felt like I was lead on, if he wanted to be just friends then why was he acting like he wanted otherwise. This might also be a case of things moving too much too soon? Or him just not being able to commit right now since he is still getting over a break up with someone he was with for about 4 years, totally understandable... I know I’m obsessing right now but please forgive me and a few input on this might make me feel a little better. Should I move on or maybe just wait it out and see what happens? I don’t want him to be my boyfriend right now and I do enjoy his company and would like to keep 'being friends' with him.. Is that smart or am I better off moving forward..now another problem that may arise is, I’m not sure I’m cut out for the friends that have sex thing…..I guess I slept with him thinking he did want me as more than a friend, what a stupid assumption by me but now I just feel like it would be just lacking self-respect if I sleep with him now knowing for sure he just wants me as a friend. I have a bunch of guy friends and I don't just go around having sex with a 'friend'. Bottom line why did he say and do all those boyfriend-like things if he just wanted me as a friend…Id hate for it be a "he was just trying to get in your pants!" scenario, he's not that kind of guy Id like to think so at least. I am beyond confused. What to do?

[WTRanger]

Let's make this a bit easier to read, instead of a sea of text.

 

I’ve known this guy for about almost 6 months now. We’ve talked on and off for the first 4 months and just recently, I’d say since a month and so ago we’ve been talking almost everyday and been hanging out more frequently. When I met him, we just had this instant chemistry and we had lots of fun together, BUT he was in this weird situation with his girlfriend at the time of almost 4 years. They were broken up at the time we met, but few weeks later they got back together. I didn’t want anything to do with someone with a girlfriend so I put myself out of the situation and stopped talking to him despite the fact he said he still wanted to be friends.

 

A month and so goes by without talking and I hear from him again letting me know he and his girlfriend had broken up and this time it is definitely over for good. And telling me that we should start hanging out and asking me out and stuff. By then, I was just over it. I thought to myself I was not interested at all to become his rebound girl and so every time he had asked me to hang out I made excuses and brushed him off as nicely as I possibly could have. Also at that time, I was already seeing someone else. And after a while, we stop having contact with each other again. So this “someone else” I was seeing turns out to be a jerkface…and maybe because I was feeling lonely at the time just having wasted my time with a jerkface, I this time initiate contact with this guy this whole thing is actually about. At this point in time, he was seeing someone else. That was fine with me, I genuinely just wanted to be friends with him.

 

Unexpectedly, a week later he tells me he broke it off with the girl he was seeing. I can honestly say I was only seeing being friends with this guy up till we started talking and hanging out more constantly…and him showing how amazing of a guy he is and treating me like his girlfriend. I may have made a mistake sleeping with him a week ago without having the talk of where we are heading, sex was damn amazing. Now even after the sex, he was even more attentive to me and been treating me so good.. We hung out a few more times after and again this weekend, with his friends, first time I met a group of his friends..they were all very friendly to me and we all had a good time, note: he was treating me like a definite girlfriend around his friends, he had his arms around me, we held hands, we kissed..in front of his friends. I wasn’t clinging to him, I let him have his own time with his buddies while I was having my own with his other friends. Now we go back to his place, amazing sex again and we fell asleep. Throughout the night I would feel him around me, his arms, his legs, he’s a cuddly guy I like that but I like my own space when sleeping yet still I let him.

 

In the morning, we were joking and teasing each other, laughing and here's a key moment for me: We were talking about making breakfast and so I asked "What do you want?" and he replies "You!", I thought that was so cute…now these are all probably irrelevant little moments I just wanted to relive..hahaha..okay now the thing that boggles me is after all that, the way his actions and words were to me, definitely came on to me as "I really like you more than as friends"…BUT as when he was driving me home, I told him "I think im starting to kinda like you. Is that ok to say?" see how I said kinda - I didn’t wanna overwhelm him. He smiles and says nothing back. Now this is when I start feeling weird, if he likes me in the least way I thought he would have at least said something back. Now we pull up around my house….we were saying our byes, I was feeling insecure at this point, I asked him "Am I going to hear from you again?" he responds "Probably not!....I may not come back from my trip" something along those lines.

 

You should know, He's going out of town for about more than a week in a few days. Now him saying THAT totally and absolutely made me even more insecure. Feeling like I would never actually hear from him again. I was hurt and confused. I wrote him an e-mail, thinking at least if he ignores me that way that would be least hurtful…in the e-mail I said how I felt weird….and how I do actually adore him..Im not playing games…. At this point I could tell I was obsessing over something I had no control over and I didn’t like it… he responds saying something like "Nothing to worry about... I was just messing with you… I will be back… I don’t want to lead you on though, I’m not wanting anymore than just being friends right now…I enjoy hanging out with you and it will happen again"…Now I’m not heartbroken or anything but was I reading all his signs wrong..I feel dumb. Now this is a crucial thing, I responded to that with something like "I never said I wanted to be more than friends!...."

 

Now I feel even more stupid because if there was ever a chance I totally just put it in the garbage with that response. I felt like I was lead on, if he wanted to be just friends then why was he acting like he wanted otherwise. This might also be a case of things moving too much too soon? Or him just not being able to commit right now since he is still getting over a break up with someone he was with for about 4 years, totally understandable... I know I’m obsessing right now but please forgive me and a few input on this might make me feel a little better.

 

Should I move on or maybe just wait it out and see what happens? I don’t want him to be my boyfriend right now and I do enjoy his company and would like to keep 'being friends' with him.. Is that smart or am I better off moving forward..now another problem that may arise is, I’m not sure I’m cut out for the friends that have sex thing…..I guess I slept with him thinking he did want me as more than a friend, what a stupid assumption by me but now I just feel like it would be just lacking self-respect if I sleep with him now knowing for sure he just wants me as a friend. I have a bunch of guy friends and I don't just go around having sex with a 'friend'.

 

Bottom line why did he say and do all those boyfriend-like things if he just wanted me as a friend…Id hate for it be a "he was just trying to get in your pants!" scenario, he's not that kind of guy Id like to think so at least. I am beyond confused. What to do?

I really hate to tell you this, and you don't want to hear it. But this sounds like a classic one goal guy. That goal was to get you in the sack, and you gave it to him with ZERO commitment on his part.

 

Do you want to be more than friends with him or not? If so, then don't go contradicting yourself in your conversations with him. Don't tell him that your "kinda" into him, then reverse it and say that you are not looking for anything else than "friends." Put it on the line with him. If you want more than friends with him then he has to commit on some level, or else the sex stops. As you claim you just don't go around having sex with "friends" so why would you continue to be hypocritical with this one guy?

 

He wasn't joking with you on his response to his trip either. He was throwing you a line and he now knows he has you around his finger, or some other body part. He's got your heartstrings and unless you take them back you'll be his puppet for a long time.

[Narf]

I have been (and even thou i think im out) in this situation :/ and it sucks! I think you need to use logic here and be true to yourself... You want more from this guy than what he is offering. The choices are

A) Lower you standards and be a "friend" (this more then likely will end up hurting you as your more invested with emotions)

Or

B) Get away!! <--- this i recommend, it will hurt a little bit for a while but you will move on.

 

Being played with and reading into his actions will hurt so much more over a longer period of time...

I wish i had taken that advice... 2 years! later and he still txts and makes me think he has feelings then i get ignored for a couple of weeks... It really is no fun at all!

[Charles1978]

Yeah, unfortunaltely he was acting caring and boyfriend-like to you so that he could sleep with you. A classic wolf in sheep's clothing. Do yourself a favor and stop sleeping with him, because it is pretty obvious what he is doing. If he wants a relationship with you, he will only go in that direction when the sex stops. Good luck!