Tamz Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Hello, I stumbled upon this site when looking for other people dealing with similar emotions to me. I have been married 5 yrs. We have been together 13 years total. He is my best friend and a really good man. Then why do i struggle with these feelings of unhappiness I have no idea! I am 33. In March of '08 I found out he had been having an emotional affair with a married woman he would see when going to another town for school. It had been going on for 2 years. He swears that it never got physical. He also had emotional affairs with other online women, but none as real as this one. After confronting him on my findings, we decided to make another go at the marriage. We went to counseling and did well. He has tried very hard to make up for what he did-hurting me, breaking the trust ect. It has been a work in progress, I've had highs and lows. and now I am struggling with staying or not. I do love him-like I said he is my best friend-but I am terrified of being on my own-things can be good-but it feels as if something is missing. I worry that maybe this is a mid life thing-I just had my Birthday, or a grass is greener thing-or maybe I'm brain washed into wanting the storybook love-my heart yearns for passion and intense feelings-but my mind says that feeling like that flair up and out as your love grows and matures. Any words of wisdom for a messed up mind? all would be appreciated. btw-I have talked to him about this and we are talking about it. He says he loves me and wants things to work, but also knows that people grow apart. hmmm- Link to post Share on other sites
eekabug Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Keep going to counseling work hard to work it out. Unless there is abuse most of these problems can be solved. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 hi there tamz and welcome:) first i would like to ask have you read any of the other threads/posts? also, there is one i posted about the strange happenings of this year... that SO many 13 year relationships/marriages are on the outs right now...weird fact? also i just wanted to say i am sorry your H did this to you...mine had an online EA, it ended after 3 weeks, but my H left anyway...so i am not sure what i have to offer for you...but to let you know i am here to listen and so are many others...and so many with the same situation as you too... so keep posting and checking back, to read what some others have to say advice or just a supporting ear:) good luck and take care...i sure hope with LS and others, you can get thru this OK:) Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Well I would continue to go to the MC, my wife had an EA not sure if it went PA but she left even though I still wanted to work it out and go see an MC, but all I can say is try to work it out, please!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 You've got to teach him how to "love" you and to give you what you want and need! Grab his @zz by the ears and get busy teaching him! I wished mine had cracked a 2 x 4 across my forehead! Up front! I'm going to tell the next one to do so! Damn this divorce BS! :mad::mad: Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 You've got to teach him how to "love" you and to give you what you want and need! Grab his @zz by the ears and get busy teaching him! I wished mine had cracked a 2 x 4 across my forehead! Up front! I'm going to tell the next one to do so! Damn this divorce BS! :mad::mad: Damn straight, Gunns. You are right, and this person needs to try. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 You've got to teach him how to "love" you and to give you what you want and need! Grab his @zz by the ears and get busy teaching him! I wished mine had cracked a 2 x 4 across my forehead! Up front! I'm going to tell the next one to do so! Damn this divorce BS! :mad::mad: Well if we hit you by a 2x4 we might hurt the part of your brain that's supposed to read our minds silly! As women, we're supposed to ask for what we need. I never understood this, doesn't it make one appear to be selfish? What if I don't even know what I need? So confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 oops sorry about this Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well if we hit you by a 2x4 we might hurt the part of your brain that's supposed to read our minds silly! As women, we're supposed to ask for what we need. I never understood this, doesn't it make one appear to be selfish? What if I don't even know what I need? So confusing. It's never selfish to ask. Even if you don't know, at least we would know there was something going on. Seems like so many marriages could have been saved by just that! Probably mine, she left, she laid down what a monster I am, and she STILL dosen't know what she wants? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 What if I don't even know what I need? So confusing. Huh? No wonder guys have difficulity. What do you mean you don't know your own needs? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well if we hit you by a 2x4 we might hurt the part of your brain that's supposed to read our minds silly! As women, we're supposed to ask for what we need. I never understood this, doesn't it make one appear to be selfish? What if I don't even know what I need? So confusing. I rather you apperar selfish ~ than divorced! Men's and women's minds are literally wired differently. When men get married? Most of them's one goal in life? Is to keep their wives happy, fullfilled, content and happy? Yet when we do that? They get PO'd at us and run off with some other that treats them like crap? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I rather you apperar selfish ~ than divorced! Men's and women's minds are literally wired differently. When men get married? Most of them's one goal in life? Is to keep their wives happy, fullfilled, content and happy? Yet when we do that? They get PO'd at us and run off with some other that treats them like crap? Sometimes it doesn't matter if you tell them what you want and need. They don't "hear" or they misinterpret, and in their minds they think they are giving you what you need... what THEY think you need. In fact, I do remember clearly stating that when I went to work full time, I wanted to get a cleaning lady. He just said "bah, I'll help out" and he always did, but Saturday morning came, I wanted to enjoy morning coffee and conversation with my husband, and he was running around like molly maid! I told him how I felt about this and it always came back to the money thing. (We could have afforded it). A guy I work with told me his wife is so relaxed on Fri even/Sat morning because the cleaning lady comes on Fridays. That sounded soooo nice. I guess I could have gotten off my butt and just got a cleaning lady, but I never did anything like that unless we both agreed on it. It would have just caused resentment the other way. This wasn't the only issue. I clearly remember counselling sessions where he said "She wants me to treat her like a princess"... uhhh yeah? so? Treat her like a queen and she'll make you feel like a king, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Here's the question, how come you as a grown woman doesnt know what she want??? With age and experience brings wisdom. if you dont know what you want as a woman how do you expect a man to fulfull your needs if you cant tell him, when you yourself doesnt even know. WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 chrome...thanks for your post..i needed that giggle...you always just say IT! no filter..LOL..i love it..LOL Link to post Share on other sites
eekabug Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Sometimes it doesn't matter if you tell them what you want and need. They don't "hear" or they misinterpret, and in their minds they think they are giving you what you need... what THEY think you need. In fact, I do remember clearly stating that when I went to work full time, I wanted to get a cleaning lady. He just said "bah, I'll help out" and he always did, but Saturday morning came, I wanted to enjoy morning coffee and conversation with my husband, and he was running around like molly maid! I told him how I felt about this and it always came back to the money thing. (We could have afforded it). A guy I work with told me his wife is so relaxed on Fri even/Sat morning because the cleaning lady comes on Fridays. That sounded soooo nice. I guess I could have gotten off my butt and just got a cleaning lady, but I never did anything like that unless we both agreed on it. It would have just caused resentment the other way. This wasn't the only issue. I clearly remember counselling sessions where he said "She wants me to treat her like a princess"... uhhh yeah? so? Treat her like a queen and she'll make you feel like a king, right? I treated my wife like a princess. I locked her up in a 'tower'. I took all the burden of making sure the bills are paid, tried to take care of everything ; I could never say no to her as well. The 4000 dollar couch I knew was a bad idea but she looked so happy and wanted it so much I agreed. I got a maid when it was questionable if we could afford it and kept it when we couldnt because it was nice to have and it made her life less stressful. It came to a point she was clueless about our fiances and if we run short she would flip out and ask why why why. I never hid anything but she never took the initative. It ended up causing resentment and feelings of failure and inadequecy in me that I would be snappy sometimes and passive-agressive. I was also so scared all the time. Long story short if we communicated more and did it honestly from point of trying to work our lives together, the ups and downs, we would be in a better place. Not in seperate bedrooms and not here. I hope this adds perspective. It has been two weeks for me and I have woken up. And actually tried to change. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Leaving a Good marriage? It's not a good marriage if you think about leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 It's not a good marriage if you think about leaving. That's not always true. Some people that get married and end up in good marriages subconsciously try to ruin it. it happens in alot of relationships where one person feels inadequate because of self esteem or needing to stand on their own two feet which builds resentment. I treated my ex real good as well and guess what she cheated anyways. ....yeah it was so bad! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamz Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 Thank you all for your responses. When I say "good Marriage" I mean I'm not beaten or abused. He helps out with cooking and cleaning. He calls to say I love you. He is sweet attractive and helpful. He is however, stupid about money. Prior to the affair, I was not an equal partner in the marriage. It was a harsh reality check. I do not excuse his behavior, but was able to see my part in the mess. I decided that if my marriage was to end I wanted to know that I had done my best to be a active member of the marriage. Maybe this was my downfall. I have tried to love him again-the first few months were awful-sleepless nights crying into my pillow while he snored beside me-feeling ugly, and worthless. He tried, but I was in a deep spiral. Days I would put on a happy face-and nights I would cry. Finely I ran out of tears. Things have been great-a 50/50 marriage. I've grown as a woman, and as a person. I'm not so sure he has. I am an avid gamer and lately my being online has made him insecure. He knows I struggle with my feelings toward him and now hangs on my every sec of the day we are together. He prior to this had a job for 8 yrs where he would be gone for 15-28 days at a time about 6 times a year. He quit that job about a month ago-to stay in town and be with me. Without consulting me he cashed out his retirement and has been spending like it's going out of style. Adding stress to already stressful times. I know I could be content with him. But I want more. I think both he and I deserve a chance at that. at least-in my mind. Then I start to wonder if what i want is really out there- Sorry for the long post-I just started typing and it all came out. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 You two really do need to hash out everything, from his job situation, the retirement cash-in, and your gaming. Just have it out bigtime. Chrome, I believe I always did ask for what I needed, but I decided I was asking for silly things that I didn't really need after all since I wasn't getting it. So I would try to ask for things I know he could give me, and STILL didn't get what I thought I needed. So can you understand the emotional abandonment I went through the last five years of my marriage? I didn't even know how to feel, or how to put feelings, needs, emotions, into words. I had no description for any of it. I was emotionally dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 You two really do need to hash out everything, from his job situation, the retirement cash-in, and your gaming. Just have it out bigtime. Chrome, I believe I always did ask for what I needed, but I decided I was asking for silly things that I didn't really need after all since I wasn't getting it. So I would try to ask for things I know he could give me, and STILL didn't get what I thought I needed. So can you understand the emotional abandonment I went through the last five years of my marriage? I didn't even know how to feel, or how to put feelings, needs, emotions, into words. I had no description for any of it. I was emotionally dead. Yea! After Beirut? Panama? I was pretty much emotionally DEAD! Emotionally Bankrupt! I cried so much! I cried my last tear for you! Then came "Dessert Storm/Shield? Then my seperation/divorce? Then the "Wall Of Shame" Then came the seperation/divorce! Then came the "I love you, but not in love with you!" verse! I've done been where your at and back! Not to mean that an ugly way? Just to get across that you will survive! Link to post Share on other sites
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