sherell Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 Hi all, I just found this site today, and Its just what I am looking for now. I have been married for almost 14 years, with one child (10 years old) We have had problems with communication almost our entire marriage, atleast he has trouble communicating his feelings, I really am a very open person who always needs to speak my mind. A few weeks ago we were away together on a business trip, and I told him that I have been really unhappy lately, he works long hours, travel frequently, and when he is home he has nothing left to give. There has been no affection, hardly any sex, and really nothing much to say, except for our child. I said this has been going on for so long on and off for years. We really need to talk about it & see how we can salvage this marriage. He said he has to think about it, & would get back to me the following week. He never did, so I had to bring it up again. He totally shut down, said he really does not know what he wants, and would not talk to me for a week. I finally said I can't take this anymore, if you refuse to talk to me, you have to leave. He did the next day. He is now in therapy about 3 times a week, but he said he is not ready to go for marriage counseling yet, because he is not ready to talk. He said there is no one else in his life, he is just so confused. This is the most frustrating part, because he is saying nothing. I told him he has until Nov. 30th to decide to go for joint counseling, or I have to move on. He has agreed, but said he might not be ready by then, & it would be a waste of time. I am so lost, I do not know what to do. I have never seen a person so shut down like this. I am inclined to believe he just does not love me anymore, but has no guts to tell me. Any advice out there? I would really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 Apparently, you married him knowing about his problem. He has been that way his whole life. It's going to take him a while to change. At least he's going for counselling! That's more than lots of guys will do. I think it would be fair to ease up on the deadlines for a bit since it seems he's willing to do some work. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 I think a great deal of men are spineless when it comes to discussing their feelings or dealing with any sort of confrontation. It makes it even harder when you see guys on here who DO openly post feelings....and you are stuck with Mr NO-COMMUNICATION at home. I guess if you want the marriage to continue...you should give the therapy a chance without an ultimatum date. It's pretty much all you can do. Do you really think he no longer loves you or are you just doing thru a normal "blah marriage" phase? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sherell Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 Thank you both for your words of wisdom, I actually e-mailed him today and said I would postpone the deadline, until he is ready to really communicate. It really is all I can do right now. I felt really strong today, and know that I have to be for myself and my son. I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling, but I can not waste any more of my time & energy trying to figure him out. Eventually I will get the truth, good or bad. I will keep you posted. thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 I agree with Moimeme. It's not you, this is a problem he's had before you even came along. Men don't generally express their feelings well verbally, and they don't like confrontation (See Understanding Men and Women for Dummies...no seriously, it's a publication). They're way of communicating is completely different from women, so don't expect him to be completely open verbally with his feelings like women are. I agree with the others too...don't give him an ultimatum, but be patient, and let him go through the therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Sherell, I'm glad to hear you are going to give him some time.....but are ready to accept the outcome. If he doesn't verbalize his feelings.....then maybe you'll have to read into his actions. It's so hard to play the waiting game while feeling your heart is breaking and the future has no set direction. Love and Life can be cruel that way. Keep posting so you don't feel all alone with your heartache. Probably most of the people posting on here totally understand what you are going thru. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sherell Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 Yes, the waiting game is going to be excruciating, and I may come to the point that I will have to say, I can no longer wait & we have to end this. My biggest dilema is the future of my son. What kind of role models can we be if we don't try to work on the marriage? He will know that we did'nt give it a real fighting chance. I do not come from divorce, so it is so foreign to me. My husband does'nt come from it either. If we do go for counseling, and then realize there is nothing worth fighting for, except to stay together for our son, then at least it would end with some dignity & respect for our life together. If it ends because he is refusing or is unable to talk, then that would be tragic. I feel that he has all the control at this point & that is also so difficult for me. This forum is really a big help to me right now, & I appreciate the insight & wisdom out there. Link to post Share on other sites
tara28 Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I don;t know that I would give him an ultimatum like that. He si going to counseling which is taking a step in the right direction. Maybe personal issues have come up with his counselor that they both feel he needs to get through first before he can address his troubled marriage to you. I would give it a little more time. You've been with him this long you may has well hang in there a little longer. I know that not knowing must be torture, but try to put yourself in his shoes. Just my 2 cents although I'm not much help cause my marriage is a mess too Link to post Share on other sites
Author sherell Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 I spoke to my husband today, and asked him if he loves me. Because I can sit around & wait for him to finally talk to me, but the bottom line is if he doesnt love me, there really is no hope. His reply (his standard) I don't know, I know I care for you, I have some feelings, but I don't know if I am in love with you. He doesnt have to balls to tell me the truth, I don't believe he loves me anymore at all, his actions are sure showing that, he is treating me like nothing, not expressing any emotion whatsoever. I have made a decision, I will consult with a lawyer & file for either legal seperation or divorce. I feel so sick to my stomach right now, I want to scream, I want to strangle him for doing this to me. He has apparently been feeling this for quite some time, any has never had the guts to tell me, until I pushed. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Has he ever said he was in love with you? Has he ever told you he loves you? If not, it would be extremely surprising were he to start all of a sudden. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I'm sooooo sorry Sherell!!!! The first few days will be the hardest. I remember that terrible pain in the pit of my stomache and hate for anyone to have to go thru it. It is so raw and tangible. There is absolutely nothing you can do though except to go thru the motions of the day and save what energy you have left for your little one. You'll go thru everything in your mind which has ever happened in this relationship over and over....and find no real answers. Sometimes....love just doesn't last between two people. Here's a hint.....stay away from liquor and music! As a matter of fact, gather up everything laying around which gives you too many memories....and put them in a box for the time being. Keep thinking about the future...and the new life you will make for yourself. One day you will breathe again....and it won't hurt. I promise. Feel free to PM me if you just want to get it off of your chest. Link to post Share on other sites
sinking Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Hi, I must admit I am so surprised to see so many people going through a hardship that is similar to mine. Your situation may indeed be mine years from now, if I choose to stay. When one person is not in love with the other......it has to be one of the most gut wrenching feeling in the world. To think. all the time, the effort, the energy, the memories...all gone. In your case, there is an effort on the man's part. At least he gives you some kind of answer. I only wish I had that. But, based on the great advise I received today, and reading your situation, it only confirms that I need to jump the coop. Thanks for the inspiration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sherell Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 moimeme Yes he would tell me all the time that he loves me. In fact up till recently, if we were speaking on the phone he would always say love you, before he would hang up. I admit I have not been especially warm or nice to him, just prior to this, because I would get so aggravated that he was never around, & when he was he was never attentive. It is amazing how we put blinders on, when we do not want to face things, especially this painful. The truth is he never really wanted to have sex with me, I accepted this excuse as he was so tired. We hardly shared the same bed, because i snore & he is a very light sleeper. (this I believe can estrange a marriage so strongly) The signs were all there, but I needed the words, which may never come. I feel foolish & ashamed of this, but proud that I finally pushed for the truth. Deep down I guess I hoped he would want to seek help together, but he is only going for himself. He came home tonite to have dinner with my son, I had made plans to have dinner with friends. As soon as he came in the door I left. I can't even look at him, he is a total stranger to me. Thank god I have a support system (he does not, his choice), but posting & getting advice from all of you is invaluable to me now. Link to post Share on other sites
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