Please Help...

[kumi]

Hi...this is my first time doing anything like this (posting publicly on a forum and asking for advice from strangers..), but I'm running out of ideas...I even tried searching for magic spells, it's getting pathetic.

 

My boyfriend of 3 years, who has lived with me for 2 (of those three), broke up with me last night. He said that everyday our relationship gets worse, that we're not happy anymore. He has never really made an effort to make our relationship "work", and lately he's been consumed by work. There was once a time where I was the most important thing in his life. I don't need that, I just need him to stay with me. Even just as a friend. The thing is, my grandfather (who we lived with) passed away just last month (sept 30), he was the most important person in my life, my boyfriend was the second-most...I don't know how to handle losing the two most important people to me.

 

I want him back so badly, I'm irritating him. I can't seem to stop myself, I keep sending him e-mails, messages, I finally stopped calling him....last night I begged him for 3 hours not to leave, I offered myself completely to him...He said he'd be back tonight to pick up some more of his things, but he hasn't called or come over. He's still at work as I write this, and it's getting very late.

 

I know there is no other girl in his life, and it's just me, but he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. He said he had been thinking about this for some time now, and that he only had the courage to leave last night. It doesn't make sense, because just a few nights ago we were snuggling and watching a movie and he told me he would always be with me unless I asked him to go. The night before last he was so happy after I did some things for him that he needed... he insisted on me telling him what I want in return...

 

I'm posting here because I need some advice. Is there anything that I can do to possibly get him back? Please someone out there must know of something. This is my first boyfriend...I was his first girlfriend...Please help me.

[wiseOLDman]

kumi, this is always a very difficult scenario. First off, condolensces on the passing of your beloved grandfather.

 

As difficult as it will be, I think you need to give him a little space. You've both been in a pretty stressful environment lately and it sounds like he's having some "mood" swings. You're both at the peak of the stress curve right now and that will only result in emotional exchanges. Give him some time, and let him know that when he's ready, you're there for him and would like to talk.

[kumi]

Thank you.

 

I talked to my mom, she told me to just give him space as well. So, no calling him, no e-mailing him, no messaging him, definately no going to his workplace and bringing him cookies . The thing is, I'm having a hard time sleeping in my bed by myself now. When he first moved in, I really didn't like that I didn't have my whole bed to myself, after 2yrs I really got used to it so much so that I don't want to be without it.

 

I have a friend, Randy, who has liked me more than a friend for a few years. He knows I don't feel the same way and never did, and I've avoided him for almost a year. I called him last night, I explained my situation and I asked him for the favor of spending the night "as friends", it would be something like one of those slumber parties that kids have when they're...kids. I'd be more comfortable if it was a girl, but all my girlfriends....well the few that I have are into drugs, so we don't talk anymore, then a couple had babies, and wouldn't be able to stay over here, then my last two, one is extremely shy and wouldn't really be a good "friend" to grieve to, and the other...used to be a guy and...she's a girl now but she lusts after me, it makes me very uncomfortable. I have other guy friends, but none that I would trust wouldn't try to touch me or something inappropriate...I don't want to do this alone. I'm not ready yet. I still need to grieve over the loss of my grandfather, my...ex-boyfriend (I don't want to call him that..) didn't give me a chance to grieve...I know Randy will help, but I think it makes him really uncomfortable to just come over to my house. I wish I was a guy sometimes, he'd be much more comfortable then... Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I'm just going to completely avoid my "ex-boyfriend", if he tries to talk to me (which he won't) I'll just tell him I'm busy. This sounds a lot like one of those "playing-hard-to-get-games", the one where you want what you don't have and you don't want what you do...I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to play such idiotic games just to keep the relationship alive. So if playing-hard-to-get works, I may not want to be with him in the end. Besides, I have had everyone of my family members tell me they don't want me to be with him because I deserve better, he'll never change, he'll never care...I think they're really wrong, people do change...my mom said that he had been in a very loving environment (in our household, my mom dad grandpa uncle boyfriend and I lived here) -- and he had seen and experienced what love and caring is, all the things we do for eachother, seeing that money isn't the most important thing in the world, but ohana (family) is, yet he never changed. I'm really conflicted here.. on one hand I want him back so badly, but on the other, I know he wasn't good for me. I just don't want to be alone.. especially...not right now.

 

thanks wise old man..