In-law survey

[Lauriebell82]

For all those married folk out there..how often do you visit with your in-laws? I'm curious as to what the protocol on that kind of thing is.

[Lyssa]

I don't think there is any protocol to that.

 

My brothers and wives visit my parents once every week - sometimes up to twice a week. They text one another every other day (my brothers text my father and vice versa more often due to work, business & F1 ) and phone calls, maybe twice a week.

 

When I was in Cape Town with my fiance, we visited his parents every week. His mother and I would be in touch via email or phone call every 3 days or so. When he was here, he lives with me so we see my father every day since dad's with us .

 

Pretty soon, it'll be harder for us to visit everyone cause we'll be in South Africa and my father will be moving to the Middle East and the rest of the siblings will stay in Malaysia . On that note, perhaps we will visit his parents more often since we live (in South Africa) about 30 - 45 mins away from my soon to be in-laws.

 

It's good to visit every week but don't turn it into a chore - you know what I mean?

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks Lyssa..it sounds like you guys visit each other's family a lot.

 

Labor day is coming up and my mom asked if my fiance and I wanted to come down to South Carolina to visit with her and my extended family (my mom has been staying down there all summer). I asked him and he said that he thought we were going to visit his family (they live in another town) because thats what we have done the past few years. I told him it would mean a lot to me for him to meet the rest of my extended family since they will be at our wedding and that I have met all of his. He said that he already told all his freinds we were coming home (mind you he never actually asked me) and he hasn't seen them in awhile. I feel like he sees them all the time, multiple times this summer. We just went there for the 4th of July! (I didn't even see my family)

 

So I kind of feel like it's my turn. I don't want to force him into it, but I'm disappointed that he wasn't more excited about it and actually wanted to come. It's not like they are a-holes or anything.

[marlena]

When I was married, for fifteen too long years, we visited my in-laws every Sunday. My father-in-law was a chef at a leading restaurant here for many years, so every Sunday, he would delight us with his culinary skill. He was such a darling! Too bad my ex wasn´t more like him, LOL!!

 

But like Lyssa said, it shouldn´t be a chore (not too much, anyway)! Why not ask your fiance what he would like? Providing that your relationship with your in-laws is good, I think once a week or every two weeks if they live too far or if you are busy is a fair amount of time, I´d say.

[marlena]

So I kind of feel like it's my turn. I don't want to force him into it, but I'm disappointed that he wasn't more excited about it and actually wanted to come. It's not like they are a-holes or anything.

 

I know how you must feel. If I were you, I would let it go just this once as it´s not worth fighting over. However, I would also make it clear in no uncertain terms that the next time, no ands, ifs or buts, that it is your turn.

[blind_otter]

With my exH, his parents lived about 2.5 hours away, but we saw them at least once a month for a weekend here and there, sometimes just overnight.

 

With my S/O now, God we must see his parents every weekend or every other weekend and we talk a lot as well. They only live 45 minutes from us, on the river near several fun springs, so we visit and swim down the river or go kayaking.

 

I think it's different when you have kids, though. Then the grandparents start demanding that you come visit them, just so they can see their grandkids.

 

With my mom, who lives about 10 minutes from me I see her about the same - twice a month, sometimes more because she'll stop off on her way home from work or to work sometimes, or on her way home from church on sunday.

 

My middle sister see our mother at least 5 times a week, though. It's just different for every couple.

 

In terms of visiting relatives who live far away, when we plan a trip to see my relatives (we went for a week in April), we go ahead and make plans to see his relatives (next summer we're going to St. Louis with the kids and in laws). That way, we both feel we have equal say.

[Lauriebell82]

I know how you must feel. If I were you, I would let it go just this once as it´s not worth fighting over. However, I would also make it clear in no uncertain terms that the next time, no ands, ifs or buts, that it is your turn.

 

Well, I don't know when a "next time" will be. I know we are going to his hometown for Thanksgiving and usually we spend Christmas Eve with my family and then go to his hometown for Christmas day.

 

I do feel like I should let it go but this is really important to me and I know that he knows it too. He said he would be uncomfortable staying in my parents one bedroom condo with my mom and sister (we would sleep in the living room) and a hotel would cost too much. I guess we could stay with my aunt, but I think my mom may feel bad. Is that just an excuse though?

[marlena]

Well, if it´s that important to you, then, you should expect him to understand especially since you visit his folks more often. You are not being unreasonable, he is. And, yes, the whining about accomodation is an excuse. It won´t hurt him to be inconvenienced for a few days if it makes you happy. After all, you have as much of a right to visit your family as he does.

 

Have a talk with him. Try not to get emotional, lay down your points firmly and as calmly as you can and tell him you would appreciate it if he would try to see your side of the matter. Hopefully, he will.

[mark982]

well we usually see my in-laws a couple x's a week,which i don't mind at all. i quess i just got lucky as their just darn good people.my parents died when i was young,so they've really taken their place. if my wife and i broke up,i think i'd miss them more than her.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, if it´s that important to you, then, you should expect him to understand especially since you visit his folks more often. You are not being unreasonable, he is. And, yes, the whining about accomodation is an excuse. It won´t hurt him to be inconvenienced for a few days if it makes you happy. After all, you have as much of a right to visit your family as he does.

 

Have a talk with him. Try not to get emotional, lay down your points firmly and as calmly as you can and tell him you would appreciate it if he would try to see your side of the matter. Hopefully, he will.

 

Thanks, Marlena. It's frustrating. I would suck it up for him and stay in a one bedroom condo/apartment with his parents if it made him happy. I think his motivation is more to go home and be with his friends who he sees quite often even though they live 4 hours away. He said he only sees them once a month and I told him that I didn't feel sorry for him because I see my best friend twice a year. I guess deep down I worry that his friends come before I do.

[marlena]

I guess deep down I worry that his friends come before I do.

 

 

No, he is probably just taking you a bit for granted as all couples do when they´ve been together for a long time. Not that this is right. It´s not but it is just one of those facts of life that we can not change.

 

He probably does not even know how much he loves or needs you. He is complacent and secure in your love, that´s all. And he is young. He will change as he gets older. He will one day realize that as wonderful and important as friends are, family is more important. One day, he will be a father most likely and he´ll sing a different tune.Be patient, my dear.

 

Don´t doubt his love. This is a bad way to begin your life together. Of course, he is behaving selfishly right this moment.

 

Have that talk with him. If necessary, if he continues to be stubborn about this, tell him if he doesn´t meet you have way on this that you´ll just have to go visit your family and friends without him. And, then, of course, follow your words with actions. Otherwise, they have no weight, no significance at all. And nothing can be worse. He has to learn that you mean what you say.

[Lauriebell82]

He suggested that he go home to his hometown and have me to go to South Carolina. I feel badly that he said that, I don't want to go without him and everyone ask "where's your fiance?" (because they will) Plus they all want to meet him.

[marlena]

He suggested that he go home to his hometown and have me to go to South Carolina. I feel badly that he said that, I don't want to go without him and everyone ask "where's your fiance?" (because they will) Plus they all want to meet him.

 

 

Understandably, they all want to meet him. I hope it never has to come to this but you just might have to tell him that you will not accompany him to his folks´place if he continues to be stubborn about this.

 

One thing is for certain. You do have to resolve this issue because it will always be there for many years to come. It could get out of hand and cause tremendous friction in your marriage.

 

Why is he being so stubborn?

[Touche]

Thanks Lyssa..it sounds like you guys visit each other's family a lot.

 

Labor day is coming up and my mom asked if my fiance and I wanted to come down to South Carolina to visit with her and my extended family (my mom has been staying down there all summer). I asked him and he said that he thought we were going to visit his family (they live in another town) because thats what we have done the past few years. I told him it would mean a lot to me for him to meet the rest of my extended family since they will be at our wedding and that I have met all of his. He said that he already told all his freinds we were coming home (mind you he never actually asked me) and he hasn't seen them in awhile. I feel like he sees them all the time, multiple times this summer. We just went there for the 4th of July! (I didn't even see my family)

 

So I kind of feel like it's my turn. I don't want to force him into it, but I'm disappointed that he wasn't more excited about it and actually wanted to come. It's not like they are a-holes or anything.

 

Sorry LB but this is a BIG red flag IMO. Very selfish. I can't imagine either one of us (Mr. T and I) doing that to the other. It's never happened. We always talk everything over before making a decision like that. He's a control freak and I've suspected so all along. Little things you've said before give that fact away.

 

I know how you must feel. If I were you, I would let it go just this once as it´s not worth fighting over. However, I would also make it clear in no uncertain terms that the next time, no ands, ifs or buts, that it is your turn.

 

Don't agree. She needs to set a precedent NOW. You have to "train" your man...I get bashed sometimes for saying that but they train us too. It's called teaching someone how to treat you. If she rolls over on this now, he'll always expect that and it will be WORSE for her down the line when/if she asserts herself.

 

He suggested that he go home to his hometown and have me to go to South Carolina. I feel badly that he said that, I don't want to go without him and everyone ask "where's your fiance?" (because they will) Plus they all want to meet him.

 

Nice. That's his solution? To go your separate ways? Not a good sign for a successful marriage. That's pretty much a "my way or the highway" mentality...not one of compromise.

 

Understandably, they all want to meet him. I hope it never has to come to this but you just might have to tell him that you will not accompany him to his folks´place if he continues to be stubborn about this.

 

One thing is for certain. You do have to resolve this issue because it will always be there for many years to come. It could get out of hand and cause tremendous friction in your marriage.

Why is he being so stubborn?

 

Totally agree with that.

 

Also LB there's no "protocol" when it comes to this sort of thing. It's what the couple agree on together. Not what ONE person agrees on but BOTH.

 

What would happen if you assert yourself the way he is, and insist he go with you this time?

 

Also, is there anyway to split the time and go part of the time with your family and part of the time with his? Or is that not feasible?

[marlena]

Don't agree. She needs to set a precedent NOW. You have to "train" your man...I get bashed sometimes for saying that but they train us too. It's called teaching someone how to treat you. If she rolls over on this now, he'll always expect that and it will be WORSE for her down the line when/if she asserts herself.

 

 

 

Well, to be honest, I totally agree with you on this. I just wanted to put it a little more mildly but LB needs to be told the truth. You are right.

 

There is an idiom in my country that goes sth like this: You need to rip the cat apart right from the start. :laugh: It loses a lot in the translation but you get my drift!

[Lauriebell82]

Sorry LB but this is a BIG red flag IMO. Very selfish. I can't imagine either one of us (Mr. T and I) doing that to the other. It's never happened. We always talk everything over before making a decision like that. He's a control freak and I've suspected so all along. Little things you've said before give that fact away.

 

Yeah, and I really can't figure it out because he never has a problem seeing my family or parents when they are here. (they live in our town) I don't know what it is about this "trip" that freaks him out. If he never wanted to be around my parents or other family or see them I'd see it as a huge concern. Although this is concerning, I can't figure out what the big deal is. This "uncomfortableness." I don't know what that means. He didnt have a problem visiting with my aunts when we were down in SC before. And he said he is willing to stay at my aunt's. It's like he has an aversion to staying with my parents or something in the same house. That's what I need to get to the bottom of.

 

Oh, it wouldn't be feasible for us to do both in the same weekend unfortunately.

[2sure]

Ahhh. The In Law thing.

My H, his siblings, and his entire extended family are all over each other as much as possible. Before we married , he came right out and said that I was going to have to be ok with one or two sundays a month with them and Christmas was not negotiable.

 

Turns out, he was completely serious.

 

I love them all, as far as in laws go - I hit the jackpot. But the Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day evening being written in stone is a pain. Ive managed to squeeze my family in and we work it out...but I am always made to feel like I am putting a cramp on the in laws holiday by demanding my h's presence in our home when my small family come over for XMas dinner. Its ridiculous.

 

While I'm at it: MIL downsized to a home the size of a cottage. Yet, she still wants every single child, spouse, grandchild , plus a boat load of gifts packed into her living room (the size of a bedroom!) every Christmas Eve. Its sweaty, its uncomfortable, people are screaming, kids are crying.

 

I'm drinking this year, I swear to God I am.

 

But you know, I cannot protest too much because I knew this going in.

SET YOUR PRECEDENTS.

[Touche]

Well, to be honest, I totally agree with you on this. I just wanted to put it a little more mildly but LB needs to be told the truth. You are right.

 

There is an idiom in my country that goes sth like this: You need to rip the cat apart right from the start. :laugh: It loses a lot in the translation but you get my drift!

 

Thanks, Marlena.

 

And boy, you people are violent! I love putty cats. But yeah, I get your drift. LB, you need to rip that cat apart NOW!

 

Yeah, and I really can't figure it out because he never has a problem seeing my family or parents when they are here. (they live in our town) I don't know what it is about this "trip" that freaks him out. If he never wanted to be around my parents or other family or see them I'd see it as a huge concern. Although this is concerning, I can't figure out what the big deal is. This "uncomfortableness." I don't know what that means. He didnt have a problem visiting with my aunts when we were down in SC before. And he said he is willing to stay at my aunt's. It's like he has an aversion to staying with my parents or something in the same house. That's what I need to get to the bottom of.

 

Oh, it wouldn't be feasible for us to do both in the same weekend unfortunately.

 

I guess when it's convenient for him and they come to you, he's ok with it maybe. But then, you mention he'll stay with the aunt. It isn't really making sense. Yeah, get to the bottom of it but you're still left with the issue of his making plans like that without talking to you first. Not good.

 

Oh it's too bad you can't go to both families this time.

 

Did you tell him you don't appreciate his making this unilateral decision?

[marlena]

LB, you need to rip that cat apart NOW!

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

Oh, and by the way, I didn´t do it in my marriage and I lived to regret it. Lesson learned!!

 

So, sweet LB, learn from my experience! And others´for sure!

[Touche]

Just wanted to add this:

 

Although I said there's no protocol when it comes to this issue, and that the couple should decide together, the way most couples do it is to divide the time equally. It's only fair right? Ask yourself if you think what he's doing is fair and equitable.

[Touche]

:laugh::laugh:

 

Oh, and by the way, I didn´t do it in my marriage and I lived to regret it. Lesson learned!!

 

So, sweet LB, learn from my experience! And others´for sure!

 

Ahaha, that made me laugh too!

 

And yep, I learned SO much from my first marriage. I was the biggest doormat ever. I rolled over all the time so on the rare occasion when I DID assert myself, it was WWIII. That's why I advised LB to set a precedent NOW and rip that cat apart...shred it to pieces! And 2sure said as much also.

[Lauriebell82]

I guess when it's convenient for him and they come to you, he's ok with it maybe. But then, you mention he'll stay with the aunt. It isn't really making sense. Yeah, get to the bottom of it but you're still left with the issue of his making plans like that without talking to you first. Not good.

 

Oh it's too bad you can't go to both families this time.

 

Did you tell him you don't appreciate his making this unilateral decision?

 

Yeah, I told him I wish he would have asked me about it without just figuring that's what we were doing. We usually do go to his family's for labor day every year so I guess he just assumed that's what I wanted to do. Doesn't make it right though and he apologized for not checking with me.

 

I did suggest to him we could go to his family's the weekend after labor day, then he would still get to see his family and friends even if it's "after the fact." We spend labor day with his family every year so I just thought that it would be a nice change to spend it with mine this year. I've made sacrifices like going to my parents for dinner the weekend after thanksgiving because we go to his family's for the actual thanksgiving weekend.

 

The reason he has given me regarding not wanting to spend the night in my parents condo is because he could feel weird and uncomfortable because it is small and there is only one bathroom and we would have to sleep on the couch. Yeah, okay but it's only for a weekend it's not like it's a week. So in my book that argument doesn't fly.

[2sure]

The reason he has given me regarding not wanting to spend the night in my parents condo is because he could feel weird and uncomfortable because it is small and there is only one bathroom and we would have to sleep on the couch. Yeah, okay but it's only for a weekend it's not like it's a week. So in my book that argument doesn't fly.

 

Laurie - I was with you, so with you...until this.

Really, this sounds like hell.

[marlena]

I was the biggest doormat ever.

 

Nah, I was bigger. So big in fact, you´d trip over me while crossing the threshold! Well, like I said, it toughened me up (in a good way, I think)!

[marlena]

No, it is a lame excuse. Remember the cat!!