2sure Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, it sounds like you are going to have to put your foot down and demand fair time with your family. Just because they think he is coming doesnt mean plans cant be changed. After all , their weekend plans certainly are not focused on the two of you. Its just Labor Day, not his parents Golden Anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, it sounds like you are going to have to put your foot down and demand fair time with your family. Just because they think he is coming doesnt mean plans cant be changed. After all , their weekend plans certainly are not focused on the two of you. Its just Labor Day, not his parents Golden Anniversary. Yeah, plus we can go to his parents any weekend, we can't fly down to South Carolina. Also didn't even check with me first to see what I wanted to do, he just went ahead and made plans. So that argument is not a fair one IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, I'm sorry LB but unless you want to set a very bad precedent for your marriage and life together, you're going to have to put your foot down like 2 sure said. He has no business making these plans without you. That stinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 GRRRR, I just read what you wrote again. He's going to think about it? He presumes this is his decision and his decision only. Wow. I would have said "Is this how we're going to handle decisions in our marriage? With only one person having all the say?" This is not good. He might be a sweet and good guy when everything is going his way, LB but the TRUE test is how he handles things between you when it's NOT going all his way. This is a real test to see if you're truly compatible. Because stuff like this will come up in a marriage a lot. Not this exact thing but other similar issues. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well, I told my fiance that we were going to stay with my aunt all along. He wasn't all that thrilled about it. He again said that he already told his family and friends that he was coming home, and that we can see my parents "anytime" since they live here. That's not even the point. I tried to explain to him that it was my extended family that I wanted him to meet. He said he'd "think about it." He then changed the subject and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. It just sounded like a "no" to me. We just went home to see his family for the 4th of July. I don't get it. I was afraid of that. Big fail on his part. As for not getting it, it's pretty simple. He wants to have a good time with his buddies, and doesn't think meeting your extended family will be "fun"...it's more of an obligation to him. Hanging out with his buddies on the long weekend, on the other hand, whoohoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Contemplating Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 For all those married folk out there..how often do you visit with your in-laws? I'm curious as to what the protocol on that kind of thing is. AS little as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 Well, after another talk (his idea this time) he said he wants to go to SC with me. He told me he knew it was important and he wanted to make me happy. I asked him what his hesistation was and he said it's because he wanted to see his friends but he realizes that he is not going to be a bachelor anymore, he is going to be a husband. I did voice my concern regarding what Touche said about him making decisions on his own and he said that he would work on trying to make joint decisions instead of ones on his own. So we'll see. We had some good communication which is a start. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 IMO, the only "protocol" in this situation is that a couple, particularly an engaged couple, should make plans like this together. He should not be deciding for you. Does he realize that he's indirectly insulting his future family by choosing to spend time with his friends, who he sees often, over meeting them for the first time? I realize staying in a 1bed place isn't ideal, but c'mon. Sometimes, the dynamics of meeting family are awkward (visiting arrangements [small house], weird family, whatever). But guess what you do when you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone? You get over those hangups and awkward periods, for the benefit of your relationship. He's obviously unwilling to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 IMO, the only "protocol" in this situation is that a couple, particularly an engaged couple, should make plans like this together. He should not be deciding for you. Does he realize that he's indirectly insulting his future family by choosing to spend time with his friends, who he sees often, over meeting them for the first time? I realize staying in a 1bed place isn't ideal, but c'mon. Sometimes, the dynamics of meeting family are awkward (visiting arrangements [small house], weird family, whatever). But guess what you do when you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone? You get over those hangups and awkward periods, for the benefit of your relationship. He's obviously unwilling to do that. Well, the way he explained it to me was that he would feel like my parents were "critiquing" his every move. I think he's a tad scared of them even though he didn't actually say that. My parents said they understood that though. And he did say he wanted to go. I checked plane ticket prices though and they are VERY expensive, so we don't know if we are going to go or not. We have to save money on our wedding and all. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Well, the way he explained it to me was that he would feel like my parents were "critiquing" his every move. I think he's a tad scared of them even though he didn't actually say that. If he truly plans on spending the rest of his life with you (and thus also "married" to your family), then he needs to get over that really quickly. I checked plane ticket prices though and they are VERY expensive, so we don't know if we are going to go or not. We have to save money on our wedding and all. Really? I just looked at they're $176-220. Is that "VERY expensive" airfare? Do you have to fly to go where HE wants? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Also: And he did say he wanted to go. Given everything else you've said in this thread, I really don't believe that. His actions say otherwise. Why do you think he's scared of your parents? Did he ask your father for your hand in marriage before he proposed? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Well, the way he explained it to me was that he would feel like my parents were "critiquing" his every move. I think he's a tad scared of them even though he didn't actually say that. My parents said they understood that though. And he did say he wanted to go. I checked plane ticket prices though and they are VERY expensive, so we don't know if we are going to go or not. We have to save money on our wedding and all. LB, you already knew that the tickets were expensive. You mentioned it in another post. Here are my thoughts on this: I think you already checked the airfare previously since you already mentioned it. So you either didn't talk to him about it enough in advance because you were reluctant to hear his reaction OR you're being passive aggressive here....or both. Which is it, LB? I strongly believe that you're not giving us the whole story here. I'm not here to judge. Only to help. But we can't help if you don't give us an accurate picture of how this has gone down. And I KNOW you're not giving us an accurate picture. So tell us...when you previously found out how expensive the airfare was, did you mention it to your fiance? Or did you sit on that info awhile not saying a word to him about the Labor Day plans you've had in mind all along? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 So tell us...when you previously found out how expensive the airfare was, did you mention it to your fiance? Or did you sit on that info awhile not saying a word to him about the Labor Day plans you've had in mind all along? Yes, I did tell him when I first mentioned it. For the times that we would need (because of work) to fly the ticket is $290. We discussed it and thought that it may not really be worth it for the fact that we would really only be there for two days. Could we afford it? Yeah. But like I said we do have other things to save for. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I asked him what his hesistation was and he said it's because he wanted to see his friends but he realizes that he is not going to be a bachelor anymore, he is going to be a husband. Well, the way he explained it to me was that he would feel like my parents were "critiquing" his every move. I think he's a tad scared of them even though he didn't actually say that. So which is it? That he wanted to see his friends, or that he doesn't want to be around your parents? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Yes, I did tell him when I first mentioned it. For the times that we would need (because of work) to fly the ticket is $290. We discussed it and thought that it may not really be worth it for the fact that we would really only be there for two days. Could we afford it? Yeah. But like I said we do have other things to save for. I think that's a copout. And so will all those family members who want to meet the groom. The ones who will be buying airfares, hotel rooms, and wedding presents for the both of you. And I think it's a copout for you. The easy way out of standing your ground on this with your fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 My fiance and I usually hang out with my parents about 1-2 times a month. My parents live about 50 miles away and are often in our area during weekends. When we see my parents we either see a show, have diner and drinks or do something outdoors. We see his parents about 3-4 times a year, they live on the East Coast. When we see them it's for longer periods of time. Either we visit them and stay for 3-7 days or they come to stay with us. This year we are hoping to own our own home by the time Thanksgiving and Christmas comes around and host at least one holiday at our home, inviting both families. We're not married yet so they're not officially in laws, but this will remain the same when they are in laws. I think you should explain to your fiance that it's important to you that he shows desire to get to know your family. Sure, staying the night with an SO's family can be less than comfortable but it's family, it's worth it to have these relationships with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Yes, I did tell him when I first mentioned it. For the times that we would need (because of work) to fly the ticket is $290. We discussed it and thought that it may not really be worth it for the fact that we would really only be there for two days. Could we afford it? Yeah. But like I said we do have other things to save for. Oh ok. So you told him about the tickets at the time you found out, right? Im just trying to understand. Also, I'm curious. How much will it cost for you to go with him to visit with his buddies? And yep, coupout here. Sorry, LB. You're a dooormat. Just like I used to be. Sorry...takes an ex doormat to recognize a current one. The thing is, is that I can tell you're not a lifelong doormat. (Some are.) You are going to end up like me...going from doormat to goddess. Sorry to say this though...marry him before you become that goddess and it won't last long at all. It won't, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 ooops, sorry. Double post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm not a doormat. I stood my ground and he agreed to go. Oh, it will cost about $60 in gas and tolls to go visit his family. So you can see the discrepancy there. The point of the trip was for him to meet my cousins, he has met my aunts. But even my aunt said he could meet them some other time when we can stay longer down there. It is quite a bit of money to spend on a two day trip after all. (about $700 compared to $60) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm not a doormat. I stood my ground and he agreed to go. Oh, it will cost about $60 in gas and tolls to go visit his family. So you can see the discrepancy there. The point of the trip was for him to meet my cousins, he has met my aunts. But even my aunt said he could meet them some other time when we can stay longer down there. It is quite a bit of money to spend on a two day trip after all. (about $700 compared to $60) Equivalent to what your wedding guests will be spending on flights for your wedding on Labor Day weekend? Plus hotel. And gifts? I understand wanting to save money, but you're asking people to spend money on you. If you need to save, save on something else. Like maybe fewer nights out drinking with the guys for your fiance? Just don't use cost as an excuse not to go when the real reason is your fiance doesn't want to go, period. You knew how much it cost when you first brought it up with him, and you still wanted to go anyway. YOU want to go, he doesn't, and he doesn't care if it's rude to your family and to you for making the decision without you. It's just easier for you to swallow by using the convenient excuse of cost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Equivalent to what your wedding guests will be spending on flights for your wedding on Labor Day weekend? Plus hotel. And gifts? I understand wanting to save money, but you're asking people to spend money on you. If you need to save, save on something else. Like maybe fewer nights out drinking with the guys for your fiance? Just don't use cost as an excuse not to go when the real reason is your fiance doesn't want to go, period. You knew how much it cost when you first brought it up with him, and you still wanted to go anyway. YOU want to go, he doesn't, and he doesn't care if it's rude to your family and to you for making the decision without you. It's just easier for you to swallow by using the convenient excuse of cost. Well, I was willing to spend the money on the trip, that's why I considered it. I may still go though I would like to see my cousins. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm not a doormat. I stood my ground and he agreed to go. Oh, it will cost about $60 in gas and tolls to go visit his family. So you can see the discrepancy there. The point of the trip was for him to meet my cousins, he has met my aunts. But even my aunt said he could meet them some other time when we can stay longer down there. It is quite a bit of money to spend on a two day trip after all. (about $700 compared to $60) But you said he agreed to go above. And you said you told him how much it was going to cost right from the beginning. It's true it's a big discrepancy between the two trips. Didn't you know that to begin with? Why is the cost a factor now? Again, you said he agreed to go. So why isn't he? I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Well, I was willing to spend the money on the trip, that's why I considered it. I may still go though I would like to see my cousins. So it comes down to he isn't willing? You're not asking him to do this every weekend for months, it's one time. Come on LB. You need to assert yourself or it will always be about what he wants. That's all I have seen on this and a lot of your other threads. It is not crazy to expect the man you are going to marry to meet your extended family once before your wedding. It is incredibly rude of him to avoid a gathering of your family that he is invited to in order to hang out with his mates. If he is uncomfortable, so what? Isn't everyone? Does he intend to avoid them on your wedding day because it's uncomfortable that he's never met them? You need to stop trying to please him constantly and really stand up for what you want. All couples compromise but in your case it always seems the "compromise" comes at the price of him getting what he wants and you getting nothing in return. You cannot marry him like this LB. You cannot go into a marriage with things not 50/50 between you both. Pick those balls up you grew the other week and use them. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Well, I was willing to spend the money on the trip, that's why I considered it. I may still go though I would like to see my cousins. So you're going without your fiance? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 ............... Link to post Share on other sites
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