In-law survey

[Lyssa]

I was going to say something but nevermind.

[Trialbyfire]

If the two are happy going to separate destinations just for one weekend, it's not the end of the world.

[Citizen Erased]

If the two are happy going to separate destinations just for one weekend, it's not the end of the world.

 

I think the point is that she isn't happy about it.

 

But yeah, you're right. Stop doing that.

[Trialbyfire]

I think the point is that she isn't happy about it.

It's no secret to her that her fiance has very specific requirements. As well, being married, doesn't have to mean you're joined at the hip.

 

But yeah, you're right. Stop doing that.

Ha...I know I'm getting myself into deep water for daring to dissent but hey, can't help it.

[norajane]

It's no secret to her that her fiance has very specific requirements. As well, being married, doesn't have to mean you're joined at the hip.

 

Yep, and those requirements include playing with his friends instead of meeting her extended family before the wedding, and avoiding her parents. And making these decisions without including LB.

[Lauriebell82]

He said if he could take Tuesday off he would go. The way the flights go though we would have to take an early morning one, therefore we would really only be in South Carolina an additional like 12 hours, half of which we would be sleeping. My cousins are leaving on Monday anyway, so nobody would even be there if we stayed until Tuesday.

 

I don't know. I went over the reasons why we CAN go and he said it's not worth going for 2 days. He said he would love to go and it would be so fun. I told him exactly how I felt about it, that he was making excuses and all. He denied that he was but I still don't know. I even told him it's not like we spend a lot of money on anything or take expensive trips.

 

He suggested we compromise and go to his parent's for labor day and then go to South Carolina for thanksgiving because we will have more time off (we ALWAYS go to his family's for TG). Its a good compromise, I just still would like to go now while the weather is nicer down there.

[Star Gazer]

It is ALWAYS worth it to accept a family's invitation to meet them. Always. Even more so when you're marrying into the family!!

 

I don't think Thanksgiving is a compromise at all.

 

Labor Day weekend is probably still a party weekend for him. When are you both going to get partying and clubbing out of your system?

[Touche]

It is ALWAYS worth it to accept a family's invitation to meet them. Always. Even more so when you're marrying into the family!!

 

I don't think Thanksgiving is a compromise at all.

 

Labor Day weekend is probably still a party weekend for him. When are you both going to get partying and clubbing out of your system?

 

I agree. It's not a matter of being joined at the hip. It's a matter of meeting LB's family. It's a matter of priorities.

[Trialbyfire]

Yep, and those requirements include playing with his friends instead of meeting her extended family before the wedding, and avoiding her parents. And making these decisions without including LB.

This is no different than other power struggle times between the two of them. For that matter, it takes more than one, to have a power struggle.

 

I also look at this another way. I'd rather go do things on my own or with a friend, rather than with someone who's unwilling. It's like force dragging your spouse clothes shopping. No thanks.

 

I like the compromise of this weekend with his family/friends and Thanksgiving with your family, LB. Not enough emphasis is being placed on historical precedence, where you spent Labor Day with his family/friends. While I agree that he should be asking you previous to making plans, I can understand the assumption that this year is no different than previous ones.

[Star Gazer]

This is no different than other power struggle times between the two of them. For that matter, it takes more than one, to have a power struggle.

 

She's may be being passive aggressive, but she's not asserting any power here at all. She's willing to do what he wants, and "compromise" () HIS way.

 

I also look at this another way. I'd rather go do things on my own or with a friend, rather than with someone who's unwilling.

 

That's the thing. He SHOULD be willing to meet his future family when the invitation is extended, rather than choosing to spend the time with his buddies who he sees often.

 

Keep in mind his comment wherein he just realized that he's "not a bachelor anymore"... He had "party it up" plans with his buddies for the weekend. That attitude has got to change.

 

It's like force dragging your spouse clothes shopping. No thanks.

 

Comparing dragging an SO shopping to meeting the family is like comparing apples and pineapples. The don't even grow the same way.

 

One should never have to DRAG an SO to meet their future family. They may not WANT to go, but it's something a supportive, real, connected SO is supposed to do.

 

 

But they won't get to meet her extended family that way.

 

He still wants to play with his friends, rather than start building a life with his fiance. That's a bad, bad sign.

[MindoverMatter]

Well, the way he explained it to me was that he would feel like my parents were "critiquing" his every move. I think he's a tad scared of them even though he didn't actually say that. My parents said they understood that though.

 

Huh? What is he afraid of? And why are you parents understanding of his fear?

[Trialbyfire]

She's may be being passive aggressive, but she's not asserting any power here at all. She's willing to do what he wants, and "compromise" () HIS way.

There will be many, many opportunities for her to assert herself. It needs to be put into perspective of the relationship, as a whole.

 

He has precedence, with her buy-in in the past. Now she wants change, so if she pushes for change too quickly, it can destroy the relationship dynamic.

 

Unless she's got a better compromise, at least he's trying. Why kill something that can work for both of them, just to get her way? It makes no sense to me.

That's the thing. He SHOULD be willing to meet his future family when the invitation is extended, rather than choosing to spend the time with his buddies who he sees often.

 

Keep in mind his comment wherein he just realized that he's "not a bachelor anymore"... He had "party it up" plans with his buddies for the weekend. That attitude has got to change.

Both of them are pretty young. As well, no relationship is identical. For that matter, you put up with things that I wouldn't put up with. This is FACT.

Comparing dragging an SO shopping to meeting the family is like comparing apples and pineapples. The don't even grow the same way.

 

One should never have to DRAG an SO to meet their future family. They may not WANT to go, but it's something a supportive, real, connected SO is supposed to do.

Once again, not everyone handles their relationship in an identical fashion. He's offering a compromise. It shows he's willing to change. Ramming something down someone's throat, particularly as head strong as her b/f, who likes consistency and his way, will only result in more frequent, unnecessary battles. Pick your battles wisely.

He still wants to play with his friends, rather than start building a life with his fiance. That's a bad, bad sign.

I don't disagree that he's got some growing up to do. But then, so does LB.

 

In a perfect world, she would have addressed the change in precedence to him, months ago, previous to making "her" plans. That he relied on precedence to make his plans, is more logical than expecting someone to bend over, to accommodate what you want.

 

Compromise is key in a relationship. He's offering compromise. Can she offer a better compromise or must he roll over? I don't see the need for him to roll over but then, that's just my opinion.

 

De-escalate.

[Lauriebell82]

Haha, actually the ironic thing is that we would be doing more partying in SC then we would in his hometown. He wants to go home to play orks or whatever with his friends, because they haven't ever won a battle or something like that. His plan was to play orks for a few hours on Saturday and then all of us go out to dinner. Then Sunday and Monday are spent with me and his family. Then we are coming back in the afternoon on Labor Day and will be spending the evening with my dad having dinner. So really I do see that as a pretty good compromise to tell you the truth. I talked to my aunt today and SHE even said it was a lot of money for us to spend for 2 days and she knows we are chipping in for our wedding. So my family actually understands the situation.

 

I think my fiance still has some "bachelor" in him, however it is diminishing more and more. (hence the compromise with labor day)

 

I did stand my ground and told him my concerns, and I feel good about that. I think compromise is both people coming to some sort of agreement that works for them. Neither of us got EXACTLY what we wanted but we came to an understanding that we both can live with. IMO that's what makes a good marriage not fighting for power.

[Lauriebell82]

It is ALWAYS worth it to accept a family's invitation to meet them. Always. Even more so when you're marrying into the family!!

 

I don't think Thanksgiving is a compromise at all.

 

Labor Day weekend is probably still a party weekend for him. When are you both going to get partying and clubbing out of your system?

 

The weekend in his home town will not be a party weekend. The weekend is SC will because my cousins are like drunks.

 

I'm not even into partying or clubbing and neither is he anymore. Actually he doesn't like crowded bars or clubs because he has a bit of social anxiety and he feels claustophic.

 

I could freak out over this whole thing and demand/convince him to go. But that's not an adult thing to do. I know him and I know that would just cause a huge fight and we would both be miserable. He likes to get his way and I know that about him. BUT he is open to compromise and is trying. I think I said this before, he has already met my aunts before so they aren't hurt that we aren't coming. The only people he hasn't meet that are down there are my two cousins and I doubt they are going to worry about it. Not that I'm trying to rationalize it or anything, I'm just trying to give the facts because people were saying that he hadn't met any of my family.

[Star Gazer]

There will be many, many opportunities for her to assert herself. It needs to be put into perspective of the relationship, as a whole.

 

There HAVE been many, many opportunities for her to assert herself. When on earth is she going to start?

 

Both of them are pretty young. As well, no relationship is identical. For that matter, you put up with things that I wouldn't put up with. This is FACT.

 

You say that to EVERYONE. Stop it, it's getting old. You're no better than I am.

 

I don't disagree that he's got some growing up to do. But then, so does LB.

 

Agreed, finally. Perhaps that growing up should occur BEFORE getting engaged, and definitely before getting married?

 

He wants to go home to play orks or whatever with his friends, because they haven't ever won a battle or something like that. His plan was to play orks for a few hours on Saturday and then all of us go out to dinner.

 

I think my fiance still has some "bachelor" in him

 

I....am at a loss for words. Have you asked him when he's going to give up playing with toys?

 

I'm not even into partying or clubbing and neither is he anymore.

 

Oh, you're not? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2300548#post2300548 ??

 

He likes to get his way and I know that about him.

 

Great.

 

I did stand my ground and told him my concerns, and I feel good about that.

 

That's awesome, LB! Finally, some good news!

[Lauriebell82]

Agreed, finally. Perhaps that growing up should occur BEFORE getting engaged, and definitely before getting married?

 

Good thing we are grown ups isn't it? And look who is calling the kettle black.

 

I....am at a loss for words. Have you asked him when he's going to give up playing with toys?

 

He's not going to give it up, he likes it. It's like a hobby or whatever and it makes him happy so I'll support him in it.

 

And who cares if I go to the club occasionally? Spare me.

[Trialbyfire]

There HAVE been many, many opportunities for her to assert herself. When on earth is she going to start?

She already has a number of times, to a degree. It appears the two work things out as compromises. Must everything be a one-way win for you?

You say that to EVERYONE. Stop it, it's getting old. You're no better than I am.

That's because it's inarguable FACT that different individuals and couples tolerate different things. It doesn't make anyone better than the other. You're not better than I am for being more tolerant. I'm no better than you for being less tolerant.

 

He's not treating her with a lack of respect, since he suggested a compromise. He's moving forward which to me is a good thing.

 

How I would have handled the entire situation for my own relationship would be that he would go to his thing and I would go to mine. No hurt feelings, everyone's happy.

 

But, this isn't necessarily the way that LB and her fiance want to handle things. That's fine. Apparently that's not the way you would handle things. That's fine too.

Agreed, finally. Perhaps that growing up should occur BEFORE getting engaged, and definitely before getting married?

We all have some maturing to do, including you and I. LB and her fiance are a younger couple so their concerns will be different.

[Touche]

TBF, you bring up some good points. For me, personally going on separate weekend getaways would be totally unacceptable. I think the compromise they reached is better than that alternative.

 

That said, it really it doesn't matter what any of us thinks as long as they're both happy with the outcome.

 

I'm glad you're happy with the outcome, LB. I do worry about him being too controlling but if you can stand up to him and not let this become too one-sided, then hopefully it will work out between you.

[Lauriebell82]

TBF, you bring up some good points. For me, personally going on separate weekend getaways would be totally unacceptable. I think the compromise they reached is better than that alternative.

 

That said, it really it doesn't matter what any of us thinks as long as they're both happy with the outcome.

 

I'm glad you're happy with the outcome, LB. I do worry about him being too controlling but if you can stand up to him and not let this become too one-sided, then hopefully it will work out between you.

 

He knows I won't let him control me. He gets that way sometimes but I tell him that I don't like it and he stops. It's starting to get less and less.

 

I'm happy with the outcome, this isn't worth getting into a huge fight and power struggle over it. It's best to just compromise and move on.

[Touche]

He knows I won't let him control me. He gets that way sometimes but I tell him that I don't like it and he stops. It's starting to get less and less.

 

I'm happy with the outcome, this isn't worth getting into a huge fight and power struggle over it. It's best to just compromise and move on.

 

Well then you've successfully handled it.

 

By the way, when's the wedding again? I forgot.

[Lauriebell82]

Well then you've successfully handled it.

 

By the way, when's the wedding again? I forgot.

 

September 18th, 2010. We are very excited!!!

[Trialbyfire]

For me, personally going on separate weekend getaways would be totally unacceptable. I think the compromise they reached is better than that alternative.

I knew you would see it that way, which is fine too!

 

That said, it really it doesn't matter what any of us thinks as long as they're both happy with the outcome.

Agreed. But you also must admit that the two are handling this much quicker and easier than previously. To me, that's a good sign.

[Touche]

September 18th, 2010. We are very excited!!!

 

I was thinking it was next Fall. Wow, that will be here before you know it. That's a nice time of year for a wedding. Are you happy with the venue you chose?

[Touche]

I knew you would see it that way, which is fine too!

 

Agreed. But you also must admit that the two are handling this much quicker and easier than previously. To me, that's a good sign.

 

You do know me.

 

Yes, for sure. It's tough sometimes. You don't want to always be the one backing down but you don't want to always be fighting for control and your position either. It's a fine line with this business of compromise, isn't it?

 

But if he's always gone to his family for Thanksgiving and he's going to yours this year, that IS a big deal. And he better stick to that!

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, for sure. It's tough sometimes. You don't want to always be the one backing down but you don't want to always be fighting for control and your position either. It's a fine line with this business of compromise, isn't it?

Exactly. I suspect LB gets her way enough times but doesn't post about it, which is normal since how often do LS members post about non-issues? All we're seeing are the times where they're at loggerheads.

 

But if he's always gone to his family for Thanksgiving and he's going to yours this year, that IS a big deal. And he better stick to that!

Yes to both!! Now that the two of you have agreed to something, he'd better stick to his deal or willingly back down and apologize, if he doesn't.

 

I'm big about resolution. Once it's resolved, it's laid to rest unless something extenuating changes it. I can't stand issues that keep raising their ugly heads, for no reason at all. After awhile, you just give up and say eff this, it's not worth the grief.