Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Laurie - I was with you, so with you...until this. Really, this sounds like hell. Why is it such a big deal? Its only for like 2 days! I'm sure we could stay at my aunt's she lives in a mansion (literally) and we would have our own room I'm just worried I would hurt my mom's feelings. Maybe she wouldn't mind though. Why is he okay with staying at my aunt's though? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, I told him I wish he would have asked me about it without just figuring that's what we were doing. We usually do go to his family's for labor day every year so I guess he just assumed that's what I wanted to do. Doesn't make it right though and he apologized for not checking with me. I did suggest to him we could go to his family's the weekend after labor day, then he would still get to see his family and friends even if it's "after the fact." We spend labor day with his family every year so I just thought that it would be a nice change to spend it with mine this year. I've made sacrifices like going to my parents for dinner the weekend after thanksgiving because we go to his family's for the actual thanksgiving weekend. The reason he has given me regarding not wanting to spend the night in my parents condo is because he could feel weird and uncomfortable because it is small and there is only one bathroom and we would have to sleep on the couch. Yeah, okay but it's only for a weekend it's not like it's a week. So in my book that argument doesn't fly. That's good that he apologized but did he back it up with a willingness to compromise? Or did he just say "sorry" and then nothing changed? As for the staying at your parents thing, I can relate. I'd be that way too. Is a cheap motel (since you won't spend much time there) completely out of the question? If it were me, this is what I'd say: "Look honey, I'm very sorry but we did go to your family for July 4th. It's only fair that we go to mine for Labor Day. I've met your whole family and it would mean a lot to me if you met mine. It's only fair. We have to learn to compromise and negotiate these things. You can't be making unilateral decisions like that. That's not the kind of marriage I want (insert your favorite term of endearment here.)" And then sit back and don't say a word. See what he says. Don't interrupt him and don't lose your cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Nah, I was bigger. So big in fact, you´d trip over me while crossing the threshold! Well, like I said, it toughened me up (in a good way, I think)! Too funny but seriuously I was pretty bad. Yes, it did toughen me up in a good way. And I have a MUCH better marriage now partly because of that. It's equitable and fair and not one-sided...as it should be. Why is it such a big deal? Its only for like 2 days! I'm sure we could stay at my aunt's she lives in a mansion (literally) and we would have our own room I'm just worried I would hurt my mom's feelings. Maybe she wouldn't mind though. Why is he okay with staying at my aunt's though? I did side with him on the staying with your mom thing. So there's your solution. Just explain it to your mom. I'm sure she'll understand, LB. If that's an option, take it. Do you think he'll still go, or was that just an excuse as Marlena is saying? I'm sure your mom would rather have you come and visit and stay with your aunt than not come at ALL, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 That's good that he apologized but did he back it up with a willingness to compromise? Or did he just say "sorry" and then nothing changed? That's where he asked where we would be staying if we went down there. So I guess he tried to consider it I suppose. He didn't like the fact that I told him we would prob stay at their condo. As for the staying at your parents thing, I can relate. I'd be that way too. Is a cheap motel (since you won't spend much time there) completely out of the question? Well no, but the plane tickets are going to be expensive since it's a holiday and we need to save money for our rings and honeymoon. I think a hotel would be pricier though because it's a holiday weekend right? If it were me, this is what I'd say: "Look honey, I'm very sorry but we did go to your family for July 4th. It's only fair that we go to mine for Labor Day. I've met your whole family and it would mean a lot to me if you met mine. It's only fair. We have to learn to compromise and negotiate these things. You can't be making unilateral decisions like that. That's not the kind of marriage I want (insert your favorite term of endearment here.)" And then sit back and don't say a word. See what he says. Don't interrupt him and don't lose your cool. Yeah, that sounds good. I have to try not to get upset because it will be a lot easier to work it out if I keep my cool(which I'm getting better at!) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Why is it such a big deal? Its only for like 2 days! I'm sure we could stay at my aunt's she lives in a mansion (literally) and we would have our own room I'm just worried I would hurt my mom's feelings. Maybe she wouldn't mind though. Why is he okay with staying at my aunt's though? Do you think your aunt would be willing to host both you and your parents in her house while you're there? Maybe that would make everyone happy, if she is up for it. Your aunt is not your parents, so he probably won't feel under a microscope and like he has to behave a certain way. Also, sharing a large space is much different than sharing a small place with one bathroom and a couch. This "uncomfortableness." I don't know what that means. He didnt have a problem visiting with my aunts when we were down in SC before. And he said he is willing to stay at my aunt's. It's like he has an aversion to staying with my parents or something in the same house. That's what I need to get to the bottom of.This is ringing some bells...didn't this problem come up before? I vaguely recall that it may have. He's a little fastidious in his needs, isn't he? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 That's where he asked where we would be staying if we went down there. So I guess he tried to consider it I suppose. He didn't like the fact that I told him we would prob stay at their condo. That's good that he's considering it and not dismissing it out of hand. You should compromise then and consider staying at your aunt's. Well no, but the plane tickets are going to be expensive since it's a holiday and we need to save money for our rings and honeymoon. I think a hotel would be pricier though because it's a holiday weekend right? Yes but I said "motel" not hotel. Do a simple search on line and see what it will cost. You have nothing to lose. Yeah, that sounds good. I have to try not to get upset because it will be a lot easier to work it out if I keep my cool(which I'm getting better at!) That's good that you're getting better at not losing your cool, LB. That's important. It's very difficult to make our point and be heard if we lose our cool and yell and accuse. So don't do that. Don't make "you" statements...like "you're selfish, you always have your way, etc." Nope. It's tempting but will get you nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 If it were me, this is what I'd say: "Look honey, I'm very sorry but we did go to your family for July 4th. It's only fair that we go to mine for Labor Day. I've met your whole family and it would mean a lot to me if you met mine. It's only fair. We have to learn to compromise and negotiate these things. You can't be making unilateral decisions like that. That's not the kind of marriage I want (insert your favorite term of endearment here.)" Not to mention, all these people are expected to come to the wedding and shell out for gifts, so as a courtesy, actually being interested in meeting them and spending some time with them before the wedding would be a polite gesture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Do you think your aunt would be willing to host both you and your parents in her house while you're there? Maybe that would make everyone happy, if she is up for it. Your aunt is not your parents, so he probably won't feel under a microscope and like he has to behave a certain way. Also, sharing a large space is much different than sharing a small place with one bathroom and a couch. This is ringing some bells...didn't this problem come up before? I vaguely recall that it may have. He's a little fastidious in his needs, isn't he? HAHA, don't make fun of me but I have no clue what the word "fastidious" means. But anyway, you are right that he probably would feel more comfortable in my aunt's house esp. because it's huge and has like 5 bathrooms and like 7 bedrooms or something like that. It has an elevator! That's a good idea that she might be okay with hosting my parents as well. Then they won't feel like we are ditching them. I know my fiance really really wants to impress my parents bc he is always asking me "how he did" when we leave their house. I don't know what the word means that you mentioned, but his "needs" have come up before. I guess it's his little control freaky nature coming out to play. Luckily most of the time it goes right back in. (similar to how my "drama" has decreased.) Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Not to mention, all these people are expected to come to the wedding and shell out for gifts, so as a courtesy, actually being interested in meeting them and spending some time with them before the wedding would be a polite gesture. Absolutely. Good point. I'm sure he doesn't want to come across as rude, LB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Absolutely. Good point. I'm sure he doesn't want to come across as rude, LB. Yes, that was another reason for me asking him to come. I know they want to meet him before our wedding. Plus the family that he has met has all LOVED him so that should give him a lot of confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 HAHA, don't make fun of me but I have no clue what the word "fastidious" means. But anyway, you are right that he probably would feel more comfortable in my aunt's house esp. because it's huge and has like 5 bathrooms and like 7 bedrooms or something like that. It has an elevator! That's a good idea that she might be okay with hosting my parents as well. Then they won't feel like we are ditching them. I know my fiance really really wants to impress my parents bc he is always asking me "how he did" when we leave their house. I don't know what the word means that you mentioned, but his "needs" have come up before. I guess it's his little control freaky nature coming out to play. Luckily most of the time it goes right back in. (similar to how my "drama" has decreased.) Haha! Fastidious was a diplomatic way of saying OC (obsessive compulsive). Or maybe even "anal." Yikes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Haha! Fastidious was a diplomatic way of saying OC (obsessive compulsive). Ah, okay. Hell yeah he is no doubt fastidious(I like that word now lol) I told him we need to get him an umbrella and a carpet bag full of furniture. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Excessively particular, demanding, or fussy about details; Overly concerned about tidiness and cleanliness; Difficult to please; quick to find fault en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fastidious Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Ah, okay. Hell yeah he is no doubt fastidious(I like that word now lol) It's a GREAT word, one of my favorites. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Ah, okay. Hell yeah he is no doubt fastidious(I like that word now lol) I told him we need to get him an umbrella and a carpet bag full of furniture. Ahaha! What was it you said you called him again? Was it Gary Poppins? That always made me laugh. As you know I'm married to a Gary Poppins myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Excessively particular, demanding, or fussy about details; Overly concerned about tidiness and cleanliness; Difficult to please; quick to find fault en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fastidious Hmm, well I wouldn't say that he is all those things or it is to that extreme, but he def. fusses about details and is concerned and tidiness and cleanliness. He is pretty picky also but usually is able to communicate that in a nice way. But yeah I would say he is that to a certain degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Ahaha! What was it you said you called him again? Was it Gary Poppins? That always made me laugh. As you know I'm married to a Gary Poppins myself. Yeah, Gary Poppins. When he asked me to "tidy up" the bedroom yesterday I asked him if he had any tea parties on the ceiling lately to have a good laugh. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, Gary Poppins. When he asked me to "tidy up" the bedroom yesterday I asked him if he had any tea parties on the ceiling lately to have a good laugh. lol Haha! Yep. I know the type. So you think he'll agree to cancel his plans and stay at your Aunt's? What are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Haha! Yep. I know the type. So you think he'll agree to cancel his plans and stay at your Aunt's? What are you going to do? I don't know, I hope so. It's important to me that he come, I mean I'd have a good time at my aunts, her mansion is awesome! Plus all my cousins will be there too (around our age) so that will give him an opportunity to get to know them. I mean really he sees his friends and family a lot. We can always go to visit them any weekend. His friends just came up here to visit also so he did get to spend some time with him. So that jsutification is invalid. I will compromise with staying at my aunts if it means he will come, I really don't want to waste money on a motel since she has SO much room. I know she'd be happy to have us. I just hope my mom is okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I don't know, I hope so. It's important to me that he come, I mean I'd have a good time at my aunts, her mansion is awesome! Plus all my cousins will be there too (around our age) so that will give him an opportunity to get to know them. I mean really he sees his friends and family a lot. We can always go to visit them any weekend. His friends just came up here to visit also so he did get to spend some time with him. So that jsutification is invalid. I will compromise with staying at my aunts if it means he will come, I really don't want to waste money on a motel since she has SO much room. I know she'd be happy to have us. I just hope my mom is okay with it. Well that sounds like an excellent compromise. Just tell your mom, it's the only way you'll come. You have to be assertive with her too! Like I said, I'm sure she'd rather you come and stay at your aunt's than not come at all. Good luck! Let us know how this works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well that sounds like an excellent compromise. Just tell your mom, it's the only way you'll come. You have to be assertive with her too! Like I said, I'm sure she'd rather you come and stay at your aunt's than not come at all. Good luck! Let us know how this works out. Haha, I just talked to my mom and she said she was going to have us stay at my aunt's house all along!!! I wish she would have told me that last night! lol oh well. Hopefully my fiance will go for it as he has run out of justifications to not go as of right now. We can afford the plane tickets also, so that's not an issue either. Plus if we take a vacation day and fly back the Tuesday after labor day the ticket price drops 80 bucks. So it's perfect. I really do hope he goes for it, I want him to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 That's excellent, LB! He really has NO excuse now. I really hope he does compromise with you on this. It's only fair. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Haha, I just talked to my mom and she said she was going to have us stay at my aunt's house all along!!! I wish she would have told me that last night! lol oh well. Hopefully my fiance will go for it as he has run out of justifications to not go as of right now. Ah, now it gets interesting. I hope he handles this with grace, for your sake. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 As trivial and unlikely as it sounds... I think men are even fussier regarding "facilities" than women. We travel often, and my husband's only and first requirement is that there be sufficient privacy regarding...the potty. Took me the longest time to understand this. I discovered this only because my entire family rented a house at a ski resort. We wouldnt even have to pay. But nooooo. We had to get a room down the street. I went crazy. Turned out he just really really didnt want to share a bathroom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well, I told my fiance that we were going to stay with my aunt all along. He wasn't all that thrilled about it. He again said that he already told his family and friends that he was coming home, and that we can see my parents "anytime" since they live here. That's not even the point. I tried to explain to him that it was my extended family that I wanted him to meet. He said he'd "think about it." He then changed the subject and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. It just sounded like a "no" to me. We just went home to see his family for the 4th of July. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts