In-law survey

[Touche]

Exactly. I suspect LB gets her way enough times but doesn't post about it, which is normal since how often do LS members post about non-issues? All we're seeing are the times where they're at loggerheads.

 

Yes, good point.

 

Yes to both!! Now that the two of you have agreed to something, he'd better stick to his deal or willingly back down and apologize, if he doesn't.

 

I don't get this. What do you mean? If he doesn't stick to it he better back down and apologize? What the? That would be totally unacceptable. He HAS to stick to the compromise.

 

I'm big about resolution. Once it's resolved, it's laid to rest unless something extenuating changes it. I can't stand issues that keep raising their ugly heads, for no reason at all. After awhile, you just give up and say eff this, it's not worth the grief.

 

Yes, totally agree. And I've posted this before but I once read or heard that it's the couples who have the same arguments over the same issues over and over again who don't end up making it. That it can actually be ok to have lots of "issues" come up but be resolved than to have the same few issues over and over again...issues that never get resolved. Does this make sense?

 

I really agree with that.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't get this. What do you mean? If he doesn't stick to it he better back down and apologize? What the? That would be totally unacceptable. He HAS to stick to the compromise.

I had the situation with S. and I, in mind, where he didn't stick to a resolved issue. He mentioned it once again and I peeled him back. Then, at the advice of all you lovely LSers, I brought up the topic again, to get to the bottom of why he changed his mind. He once again, agreed to the original timeline, after a long and indepth discussion. It hasn't come up since, so it's a done deal.

 

Yes, totally agree. And I've posted this before but I once read or heard that it's the couples who have the same arguments over the same issues over and over again who don't end up making it. That it can actually be ok to have lots of "issues" come up but be resolved than to have the same few issues over and over again...issues that never get resolved. Does this make sense?

 

I really agree with that.

You've got my 100% buy in on that theory. BTDT!

[Star Gazer]

Good thing we are grown ups isn't it? And look who is calling the kettle black.

 

Such a typical response from you, LB. It's saddening.

 

Also, you and I are NOTHING alike. So there's no pot-kettle comparison here.

 

And who cares if I go to the club occasionally? Spare me.

 

People in long-term, committeed relationships usually don't still LOVE to go clubbing.

 

I also found it interesting that in one breath you said you "love" clubbing, and in another breath say you're over it. Very, very wishy-washy behavior, IMO.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, totally agree. And I've posted this before but I once read or heard that it's the couples who have the same arguments over the same issues over and over again who don't end up making it. That it can actually be ok to have lots of "issues" come up but be resolved than to have the same few issues over and over again...issues that never get resolved. Does this make sense?

 

It absolutely makes sense. Arguments like being controlling, or putting friends first before the relationship, or making decisions unilaterally, if repeatedly occuring (as here), speak volumes.

 

For me, personally going on separate weekend getaways would be totally unacceptable.

 

Yeah, that wouldn't bother me. It sounds like it's just a long, extended weekend we're talking about here anyway, not a one month trek through Patagonia, KWIM?

[Citizen Drawn]

People in long-term, committeed relationships usually don't still LOVE to go clubbing.

.

 

That's ridiculous. Why would a long-term committed relationship make you stop doing things you enjoy?

[Star Gazer]

That's ridiculous. Why would a long-term committed relationship make you stop doing things you enjoy?

 

Ask LB. One minute she "loves it," the next minute she's over it.

 

That said, we're not talking about knitting, or kayaking, or sushi night with the girls. IMO, clubbing generally has one purpose: to flirt and hook up with members of the opposite sex. If you're going on a regular (even occasionally regular) basis, there's a problem.

[Citizen Drawn]

Ask LB. One minute she "loves it," the next minute she's over it.

 

That said, we're not talking about knitting, or kayaking, or sushi night with the girls. IMO, clubbing generally has one purpose: to flirt and hook up with members of the opposite sex. If you're going on a regular (even occasionally regular) basis, there's a problem.

 

You're talking about going to a meat market, that's only one type of club.

 

Fair enough if you're only talking about meat markets, but lots of people do go clubbing just to dance, enjoy themsleves and kick back. It's very cathartic.

[Touche]

You're talking about going to a meat market, that's only one type of club.

 

Fair enough if you're only talking about meat markets, but lots of people do go clubbing just to dance, enjoy themsleves and kick back. It's very cathartic.

 

I agree with you BUT...the difference is are they going together or separately?

 

As for the weekend away vs. the month long trek thing...wouldn't make a difference to me. It's just not my thing. Luckily it's not Mr. T's thing to want to do things like that separately either, so for us it works.

[Citizen Drawn]

I agree with you BUT...the difference is are they going together or separately?

 

As for the weekend away vs. the month long trek thing...wouldn't make a difference to me. It's just not my thing. Luckily it's not Mr. T's thing to want to do things like that separately either, so for us it works.

 

It's a good question. I think if you really love clubbing and it's part of your life then it's actually quite difficult to be with someone who doesn't like going with you.

[Touche]

It's a good question. I think if you really love clubbing and it's part of your life then it's actually quite difficult to be with someone who doesn't like going with you.

 

This is true.

 

And yes, LB watch for the same themes as far as disagreements go, coming up again and again. If that happens it could be a bad omen for the relationship. Like take TBF's case. They've put that issue to rest now. However, if this crops up again later on, then it's a red flag in that issues that you think are resolved once and for all, aren't really resolved. That's very, very hard on a relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

Ask LB. One minute she "loves it," the next minute she's over it.

 

That said, we're not talking about knitting, or kayaking, or sushi night with the girls. IMO, clubbing generally has one purpose: to flirt and hook up with members of the opposite sex. If you're going on a regular (even occasionally regular) basis, there's a problem.

 

It doesn't have that general purpose for everyone. I certainly do not go to the club to flirt or hook up with guys. I never go without my fiance either. We go about 3 times per year, mostly when my friend is in town. She loves going clubbing and she's married. (her husband always comes to).

 

Could it be possible to like to go to the club to drink and dance for fun?

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, totally agree. And I've posted this before but I once read or heard that it's the couples who have the same arguments over the same issues over and over again who don't end up making it. That it can actually be ok to have lots of "issues" come up but be resolved than to have the same few issues over and over again...issues that never get resolved. Does this make sense?

 

I really agree with that.

 

Yeah, I agree with that. Issues that never get resolved do generally come up again. It's very normal for a couple to have issues, it's the way they get fixed that makes or breaks a couple. IMO couples who DON'T have issues (or don't acknolwedge them) are at more risk for breaking up.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I agree with that. Issues that never get resolved do generally come up again. It's very normal for a couple to have issues, it's the way they get fixed that makes or breaks a couple.

 

This is internally inconsistent. If you were able to RESOLVE these issues, they wouldn't be coming up over and over again... Which they are.

 

IMO couples who DON'T have issues (or don't acknolwedge them) are at more risk for breaking up.

 

While no couple is perfect (as the two people in the relationship are never perfect), as much as you may not want to believe this, there ARE couples who ARE compatible and therefore perfect for each other. Compatible couples don't continue having the sort of issues you two do over and over again. They just don't.

[Touche]

I think where the confusion lies is this:

 

Although the particular situations you're (and I'm speaking generally now) arguing about may be different, the basic theme is the same i.e. selfishness, money issues, etc. etc.

 

See what I'm saying?

 

So even if the particular situations get resolved quickly and without a lot of drama, if the same theme(s) keeping cropping up again and again, that can take a toll.

 

I can give examples if I have to come up with some if you want, but you probably get what I'm saying.

[sally4sara]

I see my future mother in law a few times a month as my fiance's family is just a 10- 15 minute drive away. She only calls my phone if she needs something taken care of that she knows my fiance won't remember or isn't inclined to do. I enjoy her company and when she comes over for dinner. She is not push or intrusive.

 

My ex MIL and I got along most of the time except for the first year of my son's life. It was a bad time for her as well as I and we had very different parenting styles. Prior to my pregnancy she and my ex FIL lived many states away, but when they found they were to be grandparents, they sold their house and moved 20 minutes from where we lived.

 

Since the divorce she and I have remained friendly. She lives in Georgia while I live in the DC metro area. She visits for a few days at a time twice a year. My son loves his paternal grandma very much and loves it when she visits, but my ex husband won't speak to her (his mother) because of this.

[Lauriebell82]

I think where the confusion lies is this:

 

Although the particular situations you're (and I'm speaking generally now) arguing about may be different, the basic theme is the same i.e. selfishness, money issues, etc. etc.

 

See what I'm saying?

 

So even if the particular situations get resolved quickly and without a lot of drama, if the same theme(s) keeping cropping up again and again, that can take a toll.

 

I can give examples if I have to come up with some if you want, but you probably get what I'm saying.

 

No, I get what you are saying. That was a good way of putting, not confrontational or rude.

 

You are right that common "themes" have come up again. The friend thing is difficult to resolve completely. It has definately gotten better as I have tried to get to know his friends. We acknowledge that this is an issue (sign of compatibility) and are trying to work through it. Given circumstances it is hard. Doesn't mean we don't belong together or aren't perfect for each other, just means we have something that we need to completely work through. And we will, as we have DEF. done so in the past.

[Touche]

No, I get what you are saying. That was a good way of putting, not confrontational or rude.

 

You are right that common "themes" have come up again. The friend thing is difficult to resolve completely. It has definately gotten better as I have tried to get to know his friends. We acknowledge that this is an issue (sign of compatibility) and are trying to work through it. Given circumstances it is hard. Doesn't mean we don't belong together or aren't perfect for each other, just means we have something that we need to completely work through. And we will, as we have DEF. done so in the past.

 

Yes, I can see you get what I'm saying. Oh and thanks for your comments above.

 

I remember early in our marriage we WERE having the same issues come up again and again. It was hell. It all had to do with his ex-wife and her "place" in our life. And the other recurring theme had to do with discipline where my stepson was concerned.

 

We were getting nowhere and I was "this" close to leaving because we just couldn't get it resolved.

 

It took quite awhile (we're talking the first few years of marriage here..ugh) but once we did, that was it and it was never a problem again. But man, what we went through. It was hell.

 

So yeah, sometimes it can take a while to figure these things out. And sometimes, unfortunately, we never do. I hope it's the former for you guys.

 

The key is to really keep your wits and your cool. And keep the personal attacks (the "you" statements) out of it as much as possible.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, I can see you get what I'm saying. Oh and thanks for your comments above.

 

I remember early in our marriage we WERE having the same issues come up again and again. It was hell. It all had to do with his ex-wife and her "place" in our life. And the other recurring theme had to do with discipline where my stepson was concerned.

 

We were getting nowhere and I was "this" close to leaving because we just couldn't get it resolved.

 

It took quite awhile (we're talking the first few years of marriage here..ugh) but once we did, that was it and it was never a problem again. But man, what we went through. It was hell.

 

So yeah, sometimes it can take a while to figure these things out. And sometimes, unfortunately, we never do. I hope it's the former for you guys.

 

The key is to really keep your wits and your cool. And keep the personal attacks (the "you" statements) out of it as much as possible.

 

Yeah. We solved PART of the problem, me not liking to go out with his freinds because I felt weird and left out. Fiance told me how important it was to him for me to get along with them so when we all went out I really made an effort to be sweet and fun and ask them how their life is. And it worked!! We get along great now and they really like me. Plus fiance is thrilled and happy.

 

Now the other part is "them over me" dynamic. (like in this case) A big issue is that I have no friends here (or many to begin with). And he has TONS. So he is always going out and doing something and sometimes I feel like he puts them before me. He denies this and says that he loves me so much but I feel otherwise sometimes. And that's when we have the issue. I've posted before that making friends if very difficult for me. I dont have a problem meeting people, it's just turning it into an actual friendship that I struggle with. I don't know what to make myself feel better about the situation. Maybe I'm jealous of my fiance, I don't know.

[Touche]

You'll both have to strike a balance and compromise on this. Since you feel comfortable with his friends, what's the problem about getting together with them, WITH your fiance'? Then it's not a question of him choosing them over you.

 

As long as there's a balance that you can both live with, you should be ok with this issue. He gets his way some of the time and you get yours some of the time. Right now, he's getting his way. Next time, it's your turn.

 

Getting clingy with him will get you nowhere as you probably already know.

[norajane]

Now the other part is "them over me" dynamic. (like in this case) A big issue is that I have no friends here (or many to begin with). And he has TONS. So he is always going out and doing something and sometimes I feel like he puts them before me. He denies this and says that he loves me so much but I feel otherwise sometimes. And that's when we have the issue. I've posted before that making friends if very difficult for me. I dont have a problem meeting people, it's just turning it into an actual friendship that I struggle with. I don't know what to make myself feel better about the situation. Maybe I'm jealous of my fiance, I don't know.

 

Are you trying to make friends with his friends' girlfriends?

 

I've suggested before that you could invite some of them out for coffee, or go shopping, or plan a girls' night out when the guys are on their boys' night out. Have you tried that at all?

 

If you have your own friendships and things to do with them, you won't resent him for going out without you.

[Lauriebell82]

Are you trying to make friends with his friends' girlfriends?

 

I've suggested before that you could invite some of them out for coffee, or go shopping, or plan a girls' night out when the guys are on their boys' night out. Have you tried that at all?

 

If you have your own friendships and things to do with them, you won't resent him for going out without you.

 

My fiance suggested the same thing. We went to this happy hour yesterday with his work friends and he has this girl that he knows who was really nice and I got along with. She always invites us over, as she lives in a part of the city that we go to a lot. She was so happy for us about our engagement. I'd like to maybe hang out with her, I don't know how to go about it though. He has lots of "girl friends" that he works with I guess I'm just shy...

[Lauriebell82]

This is internally inconsistent. If you were able to RESOLVE these issues, they wouldn't be coming up over and over again... Which they are.

 

 

 

While no couple is perfect (as the two people in the relationship are never perfect), as much as you may not want to believe this, there ARE couples who ARE compatible and therefore perfect for each other. Compatible couples don't continue having the sort of issues you two do over and over again. They just don't.

 

I think you just like to find reasons that my relationship will fail. I totally know there are couples that are compatible. When an issue comes up again, compatible couples find a way to resolve the issue finally. If an issue comes up a second time it's rediculous to think they aren't compatible and will not have a succssful relationship. Now if the issue is gigantic and there have been multiple blow outs which cannot get resolved no matter how hard you try, THEN the couple has serious problems. Who made you a marriage counselor? As someone who has never been married or engaged, you do not have personal experience to back this up.

 

Our issues are actually minor in the grand sceme of things anyway. Friends and trips are solvable. Cheating, serious money issues, child rearing, ect. Those are serious issues that make or break a marriage.

 

And IMO a lot of issues can be resolved even if they do come up again. You'll see.

[norajane]

My fiance suggested the same thing. We went to this happy hour yesterday with his work friends and he has this girl that he knows who was really nice and I got along with. She always invites us over, as she lives in a part of the city that we go to a lot. She was so happy for us about our engagement. I'd like to maybe hang out with her, I don't know how to go about it though. He has lots of "girl friends" that he works with I guess I'm just shy...

 

I don't understand this.

 

So you're out with her, she seems friendly, you get along well, you hang out in her part of the city....why can't you just open your mouth right then and say, "I love this part of the city. What are your favorite spots to hang out?"

 

And then when she names something - coffee shop, restaurant, favorite place to shop for shoes - you just need to say something like, "It sounds like fun; I'd love to check it out sometime. How about if I give you a call next week and we can set something up?"

 

Alternately, just get her work number or email from your bf, and say, hey, I'd like to go to xyz in your neighborhood this weekend. Would you be interested in joining me?

 

It's really not that hard. I promise you if you just extend the invitation, you'll end up getting together at some point and starting a friendship.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't understand this.

 

So you're out with her, she seems friendly, you get along well, you hang out in her part of the city....why can't you just open your mouth right then and say, "I love this part of the city. What are your favorite spots to hang out?"

 

And then when she names something - coffee shop, restaurant, favorite place to shop for shoes - you just need to say something like, "It sounds like fun; I'd love to check it out sometime. How about if I give you a call next week and we can set something up?"

 

Alternately, just get her work number or email from your bf, and say, hey, I'd like to go to xyz in your neighborhood this weekend. Would you be interested in joining me?

 

It's really not that hard. I promise you if you just extend the invitation, you'll end up getting together at some point and starting a friendship.

 

WOAH, that's so forward! I think my heart would be seriously pounding out of my chest to do something like that. I'm so shy!!!

 

But I like your idea of getting her number or email and ask if she would like to do something. That's a little less scary I guess.

[Touche]

WOAH, that's so forward! I think my heart would be seriously pounding out of my chest to do something like that. I'm so shy!!!

 

But I like your idea of getting her number or email and ask if she would like to do something. That's a little less scary I guess.

 

I'm the same as you, LB. I know i have a touch of social anxiety. But the thing is if you really want to, you can do this. Personally, I don't care that I'm an introvert. Doesn't really bother me. But if it bothers you, change it. I've had to go out of my comfort zone so many times in social settings. You CAN do this.