i need help, open to all advice. a lot of text, sorry.

[smurf]

To begin, this is out of the norm for me to go on the net for help.. I am sort of like an old man who gets sick but will never visit the doctor. I am a complete mess and in dire need of help.

 

(i am crying right now, thinking how to say this)

 

I am 19 and falling apart. I havn't had a day of fun in at least 5 years. I just remember have this older friend and we would do everything together. Then we got into online games and he just disowned me. I would go over his house and just sit there and watch him play a game for 5 hours. I would try to talk to him he would answer when fit. Since he was older it was like he had power over me. And just owned me. I try to messege him on the net, he gives me a one word response and doesn't reciprocate the conversation. He only contacted me when he needed something. So that friendship is over. I mean this friendship lasted for like 8 years, its not like we said its over but its over to me. Now i have no friends.

 

I mean the ironic thing is, people see me and i have tons of weaklinks, acquantances(sp), at school or out and about but when i leave school i go straight home to my room. It has been this way for 5 ****ing years. I sit in this room dying. i know once the weekend comes its going to be ****ing hell. sitting in a room from friday to monday going insane. i get suicidal and just ****ing go nuts. and my parents act like nothing is wrong. i mean if a kid is just in his room watching paint fall off the wall you cant expect him to be happy. i dont talk to either of them, unless i have to. see back when i was a kid i had protruding ears. aka big ears. i was also small, so easy target. i didnt really get picked on or teased as the stereotypical kid would, but i would go home and look in the mirror and feel a knife in my heart.

 

just looking in the mirror fixated on my ears, sort of like a girl having a weight problem, making it worse than it is. ok so i had an them pinned back. then i thought things would change and i thought that was the root of my pain. now i see the contrast between my freckles and pale skin. I thought the pain was going to be all over!!! now i got this ****, and it seems worse. more pain. feel like an alien, a creature, like i got **** on my face. then i remember my sweet grandma as a kid telling me if i rub cow **** on my face that it will go away. of course she had no idea i hated the freckles. and i really didnt mind them as a kid. but after the ears got normal the freckle **** was the new poison. and i have pretty much overcome that. i really dont worry about it and i dont think its that bad, maybe a tan would help. but knowing me, this weakness can come get me again.

 

sometimes i would be in public walking through the mall and just cry, social anxiety. and i worked hard to overcome that. but its like ill be a little comfortable in public one day then 2 days later i dont have that confidence. i mean why do i progress then fall off and have to keep climbing the same mountain. i am terrible with the small talk. im at college i see somebody coming towards me, im like ohh **** i gotta think of some **** to say. i have to pre-think on how to respond to hi.

 

my father is a complete jerk. we have always lived in the same hosue and he has never told me he loves me. not one time in 19 years. he has never started a conversation with me. not one time, i am not exaggerating. when i was a kid if i spilled a drop of drink, im getting cursed out. and i go to my one friend's house mentioned above, and his brother drops a whole gallon of milk and his dad just says, its ok son we'll clean it up. now that **** ****ing hurts. the guy is unemployed, and as a kid you want some responsiblity. im 19 and he wont even let me get the mail, he doesnt trust me to walk across the street. i want to do what other kids do so i can relate, so ive never mowed the grass, i dont know how to wash dishes, i cant cook anything, i cant wash clothes, **** i cant even fold a shirt. he wont teach me!!!!! im like i want to get a job. he says, you aint gon get no job. (his bad grammar) im like i want to get a job, and he just ignores me. i mean damn help me. he has 84% hearing loss, so i have to repeat everything 5-6 times and that is ****ing annoying.

 

ex. of how insane this is. im opressed by an inferrior. we go to the mall and its an hour drive to the mall. we havnt said a word. its about one hour and thirty mins in, we havnt said anything to each other. so i figure ill break the ice. i see a poster with some shoes on it. i go, you see that poster. he doesnt hear me. i say you see that poster. he says which one. i say the one over there. he says yes. so we are clarifying which poster it is. then i say, you see those shoes on it? this is a yes or no question. he says, "I DONT KNOW!" wtf.... im trying to break the ****ing ice, and you say I DONT KNOW to a yes or no question. jesus christ i wanted to kick him down the escalator. so i jsut want to leave this house and never see him again.

 

sorry for the uncordinated structure, its hard to get this **** out. the odd thing is, i dont care if people hate me or aything.. i didnt care if people made fun of my ears, it was when i looked in the mirror that hurt, the self-criticism. i need help. i dont know what to do. i just want some opinions, some advice, some suggestions. i am hurting and i feel like a ****ing kid. i mean my dad treats me like im 6, i dont talk to anyone, i'm lonely, and im just lost. hope is running out, it has been 5 years.

 

sorry about the deviant grammar and the haphazard writing. i just wrote as it came.

[moimeme]

Hi there!

 

You are for sure having a rotten time of it. First of all, you haven't got friends or family to talk to about your life and that's really important. The good thing is that there are boards like this, which can help, and counsellors and therapists, which help even more.

 

You are still in school; your school must have a counsellor or should be able to find one for you. That person is trained to know lots of ways to help people in trouble and will be able to give you good advice on overcoming your anxieties, finding friends, etc.

 

You may not believe it, but often just talking to someone starts to help eliminate some of the pain. Even if you're skeptical about this, please give it a try. It has to be better than your current situation, right?

[yes]

i agree with moimeme - you should find a counsellor you can talk to. there's too much going on in your life for people on a forum to be of use. but, this is a good place to rant/vent, so plz update us on how things go in terms of couselling.

 

best of luck, hang in there!

-yes

[smurf]

thank you guys for the responses. yes going to see a counsellor seems like the best thing to do, but what am i going to do go, tell my parents hey, ive been wanting to kill myself for a couple of years now, i think its time to see a counsellor.

this is normal to me, the pain the everything.. after so long you just function with it and it becomes you.

 

thanks again

[lady_vampiress2003]

SUICIDE isnt the answer to ur pain its just the beginning ull only relive that pain over and over again and thats hy people see ghosts there just reliving there pain not moving on, but staying in there pain cos there earth bound and dont know how to leave it cos they didnt deal with there pain while they were alive and if u dont want to become that u should deal with ur pain now, believe its worth it. if that doesn't smite the darkness from your mind then maybe my story will.

 

I attempted suicide a few years ago. But since I was commiting to dying and ending my pain in such a dramatic way and such a tradgic waste and end to life which god gave me to live not kill myself when things start to get ruff, i knew (since im a christian) that if i carried out this dark thought id probably end up going to hell or becoming so ghost with endless pain for killing the life god gave to me and so I realized that if I was going to end it all, I might as well stay alive and do whatever the hell I want. So now I LIVE LIFE by my own rules doing what i want and how i want in every way whever its getting a job and earning my own money and beig independant, or going with raving with my friends and having the time of my life exporing the night scence and indulging in so much fun which i never did b4, and I love every minute of it. The quality and fun of everything around me seems to have increased ten times and im loving life and living it now.

anyways enough about me and more about u and giving u some advice to help deal with the pain u obviously have deep inside u. ur dad is not only not unloving and unaffectionate but selfish cos he wants u to be his little girl which he doesnt want to grow up and become independant and grow as an individual. hed rather u be miserable and unhappy and not grow and live ur life as an independant, free and happy spirit as u should considering ur an adult now a woman that has choices and many decisions to make good and bad and its up to u to take ur life by the reigns and take control which ur letting him do at the moment which is doing u no good.

contarary to that u are also insecure about some freackes and pale skin (who cares!) which if ur so insecure about solve it and cover it with some make up or as u mentioned get a deep tan no big deal. ur ears u have no longer a problem which for me would be the insecurity so why waste ur energy on worrying on things so small.

theres an underlaying problem here and i personally think its ur father being overly controlling and possessive and keeping u from being and becoming an independant women and wants to keep u as his lil girl and doesnt want u to move out and grow and at the same time isnt prepared to give u any love whatsoever and is basically keeping u miserable and unnurtured.

what u need to do is 1) is start finding friends whever its through the net finding and talking to people in ur state/area or through school which should be easy once u gain ur confidence which u need to do!

2)u need to get a job and become an independant woman and stand on ur own feet i mean ur 19 and ur fathers telling u no u cant work! as if ur a lil girl who cant function on her own! no wonder ur sodepressed, u really need to find a job and become independant, at least that will give u the confidence u need in meeting and working with other people and give u hope in eventually moving out! i mean if itsthat bad and his that aganist it dont tell him just say ur going to ur friends house u have a right to have friends! and if he cant accept that tell him ur possesive and u need help and leave anyway!

3)once uve found some friends even if its 1 or 2 u need to go raving and start living ur life as a free sprit which for me was the answer to all my insecuritys and problems i love techno, trance and many types of music now and have so much fun going out at night with my friends and even on my own and shaking my bootie and letting all my insecurities and problems go for me thats what raving/clubbing does and i think u need to get out more and do it to, and dont let ur father tell u no ur an adult not a child!

4)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues u have and will help relieve alot of that pain u have. which it did for me when i started going to church and meeting other christians and making such loving and supportive friends who understood me and wanted to help me get over this problem i had.

5)go to ur doctor and get some anti depressions cos the way ur father is treating u and the way ur sitting in that room like that u desperatly need them cos that sure aint healthy!

get a makeover and make urself look completly different which will make people in ur school see u as a new person which u are going to be if u do all of this and help to build up ur confidence in seeing urself in a new light all together. i mean i was a brunette b4 and i died my hair light brown with blonde high lights, got some green contacts, (just to be extra), and borught a new closet of good looking clothes, and i had guys asking me out every other day and made alot more friends, i now have a bf who i love dearly and supported me alot in my now then depression. and made many friends that i have alot of fun raving and going out with which u need to start doing to conquer not only ur boredem but ur confidence and insecurity issues.

I gave u more then enough advice just do one at a time and b4 u know it ur life will be fun and outgoing and great like mine ). Now get ur ass out there and start doing things for urself to make u happy and stop feeling sorry for urself and sitting in ur room cos this only leads to increased depression and pain in ur life which isnt what u need right now.

heres some sites i looked up for u which might help u in some way or the other:

http://www.glowgadgets.co.uk/Desiderata.htm

http://www.glowgadgets.co.uk/ravers_manifesto.htm

http://clarocet.com/encyclopedia/bor-coping.htm

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://clarocet.com/encyclopedia/bor-causes.htm

http://www.save.org/

p.s oh yeah tell ur dad what an selfish, ignorant, unloving, **** a**h*** he is ) and that uve had enough of his bull**** and to except the fact that ur women and not a child anymore and uve grown up and to learn to deal with it, if not tough!

[lady_vampiress2003]

and if u want me to give u some extra advice just email me my email add is (Email address deleted) and if u have yahoo messenger u can add me to ur list and we can talk there if u dont have yahoo messenger u can just download it from (URL deleted)