Long Time Friend Betrayed My Trust

[kristy1976]

I am not sure what to do in this situation. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful.

 

I have been friends with this guy for 14 years. We see each other once or twice a year (we live 1800 miles apart). We have been planning for the last 4 months a cruise in December. I have paid for the cruise and air fare. He would only have to pay for whatever we do on the cruise. He let me know tonight that he is not able to go because of financial reasons. I didn't understand that because he lives with his parents and doesn't pay for rent or groceries. He just bought an expensive digital camera, some new clothes and a cell phone. I know he spends a lot of time on Ebay, too. Being nice, I told him that is no problem - just pay for whatever you want to do and I will pay for whatever I want to do. At first, he said that it was because of his job and that they had cut down on the hours. When I kept asking him if there was other reasons, he told me that he has been financially supporting his ex-girlfriend during her pregnancy of the last 3 months. He says that the father is not available and that he had hoped that the state would be taking care of it by now. He said that he has not had any sexual relations with her in the past year. He even said something crazy - that she could call me and tell me the truth. I don't want to talk to her. I think that he is getting something out of this and not telling me the whole story.

 

He asked me for forgiveness and to give him another chance, but how do I do that when he is still involved with her? I told him that I would think about it. I am more disappointed that he lied to me then about him not going with me on the cruise. What do I say to him when and if he contacts me again?

 

I plan to go on the cruise as I have looked forward to it. I plan to go and have fun and meet some new people maybe even a guy. Although, I am not actively looking for a relationship - who knows what will happen at sea?

[midori]

You say that this guy is your "friend" -- but the content of your post indicates that you view him as something more. If it were purely platonic, you wouldn't be upset with him about his situation with his ex-girlfriend; you'd think "wow, that's tough and it's nice that you're being so supportive of her. Although it sucks that you're backing out on me..."

 

So first it might help to be more honest (with yourself): he's not just a friend. At least not in your mind. Does he know this? Or have you been playing the "friend" game -- a very generous "friend" at that! -- hoping that something more would come of it?

 

Obviously this guy was just wrong to not tell you about what was going on before you bought the tickets, etc. Did you actually buy his airfare too? That's just not cool, and I'm very surprised that anyone would think that they can just bail on someone like that. I'm wondering how this cruise was pitched to him -- did you tell him you were going anyway, that it wouldn't be much extra for him to come along and you could easily afford it, etc? So that he felt like he really couldn't say no (and probably didn't want to say no at the time)?

 

Either this guy is a Grade A Jerk (which taking care of the pregnant ex seems to contradict, but as you say there could be more to the story), or you perhaps have contributed to this situation by putting him in an awkward position. I'm not for a minute suggesting you've done so deliberately. Even if he's not a Grade A Jerk, he's definitely guilty of being irresponsible about informing you of new developments that prevent him from taking you up on your very generous offer. And also, if it is the case that you were trying to create a romantic rendezvous, and he knew that he didn't want that, he's doubly irresponsible for going along with your plans.

 

I think it's a bit weird that you two are close enough "friends" for you to buy him passage on a cruise, but he didn't tell you about the pregnant ex thing until it had reached the point where it prevented him from going on the cruise.

 

Since I don't know the conditions under which the cruise was offered and intially accepted, I don't know how to advise you vis a vis this friendship. I don't know if it would be reasonable for you to ask him for some restitution since he didn't let you know sooner that he wouldn't be going along.

 

But by all means, go, and have fun yourself! As you say, you never know...

[kristy1976]

Today, I am not quite as strong. I am shaking and am on the verge on tears. I know it is going to be a tough day.

 

We are lovers and friends since high school. We are long distance but he had told me that he hadn't been with anyone this year and I haven't been.

 

I bought his airfare,too. This was supposed to be his Christmas present. And the way it was started was that he wanted to get together for Christmas and New Year's.

 

I thought he was excited about going as he always asked how many more days and wrote little emails saying how he couldn't wait to see me, hug me, kiss me.

 

But, I also found it a little weird that whenever I asked him if he had received his birth certificate, he kept putting it off and what shore excursions he wanted to go on he wouldn't really want to plan anything. I believed him when he said that this is his first cruise and he wanted me to plan everything as I have been on 3 previous cruises. I will ask him today if I put him in a awkward position and he didn't feel like he could say no.

 

Or maybe he was excited to go and thought that he could afford it, but that now that it is closer to the day of going he realizes that he can't. Or maybe it's not finances at all and she is wanting him to stay with her. He said that she knew about the cruise. Maybe she is doing this to get him back and for him to stay away from me.

 

He offered to pay back his airfare but can not do it at this time. I am going to ask him today if it is possible that he does it in installments instead of all at once next year.

[kristy1976]

I have been friends with this guy for 14 years. We are lovers and friends since high school. We see each other once a year (we live 1800 miles apart).

 

We have been planning for the last 4 months a cruise in December. I have paid for the cruise and air fare. This was supposed to be his Christmas present. He would only have to pay for whatever we do on the cruise.

 

I thought he was excited about going as he always asked how many more days and wrote little emails saying how he couldn't wait to see me, hug me, kiss me. But, I also found it a little weird that whenever I asked him if he had received his birth certificate, he kept putting it off and what shore excursions he wanted to go on he wouldn't really want to plan anything. I believed him when he said that this is his first cruise and he wanted me to plan everything as I have been on 3 previous cruises.

 

He let me know tonight (26 days before the cruise) that he is not able to go because of financial reasons. I didn't understand that because he lives with his parents and doesn't pay for rent or groceries. He just bought an expensive digital camera, some new clothes and a cell phone. I know he spends a lot of time on Ebay, too. Being nice, I told him that is no problem - just pay for whatever you want to do and I will pay for whatever I want to do. At first, he said that it was because of his job and that they had cut down on the hours and that it would be hard to explain to his parents his financial situation. When I kept asking him if there was other reasons, he told me that he has been financially supporting his ex-girlfriend during her pregnancy of the last 3 months. He says that the father is not available and that he had hoped that the state would be taking care of it by now. He said that he has not had any sexual relations with her in the past year. He even said something crazy - that she could call me and tell me the truth. I don't want to talk to her. I think that he is getting something out of this and not telling me the whole story. Or maybe he was excited to go and thought that he could afford it, but that now that it is closer to the day of going he realizes that he can't. Or maybe it's not finances at all and she is wanting him to stay with her. He said that she knew about the cruise. Maybe she is doing this to get him back and for him to stay away from me.

 

He offered to pay back his airfare of $700 but can not do it at this time. I am hoping that the cruise line doesn't charge me with a fee for him being a no show.

 

He asked me for forgiveness and to give him another chance, but how do I do that when he is still involved with her? I am more disappointed that he lied to me then about him not going with me on the cruise. This is not the first time that he has lied to me. I am frankly, getting tired of getting hurt by him over and over again.

 

I plan to go on the cruise as I have looked forward to it. I am a little scared about being alone, but I plan to have fun and meet some new people.

 

I am not sure what I will do about the relationship. It is going to take a long time before I trust him again. And if I do let him back into my life and we plan another trip, he will have to pay for his airfare up front. I think that is fair.

[laylia2]

You say he has lied to you before. And that you're tired of being hurt again and again. This sounds like it's a frequent thing. Is it? And if so, what kind of stuff is he lying about? And if it's really important stuff, why are you still friends with him? If you don't feel like you can trust him, he's not the man for you. As a lover or as a friend.