Same old story - but maybe a little different

[zark00]

ame story - different couple - maybe with a twist.

My wife isn't interested in sex.

Or, I should say, her only interest in sex is to "take care of me" - not a bad thing, but not what I need in a sexual relationship.

We're 37, married 6 years, together 15.

 

We have some very common problems.

Two kids in diapers being the main one; problems only in the sense that we're tired and two tiny kids just negatively impacts the feasibility of sex period.

 

So things aren't perfect, but they're not a mess either.

We talk, we argue, we make up - we even make headway sometimes.

We discuss our feelings, even this very difficult, embarrassing, and sad topic - at length.

 

We have sex, not very often, and always initiated by me.

My wife loves me, of that I have no doubt.

I love my wife as well, that is not a question.

She is not cheating on me.

Beyond my belief that she has no interest in bedding other guys, and that she would never do that to me, there is just no physical way she could make it happen with those kids.

Of course you'd have to just trust me on that, but for the sake of discussion, let's say we're extremely committed to each other.

 

I'm attracted to my wife, very attracted to her.

I'm a horny guy - just a fact.

And I'm very much horny for my wife.

She's hot. She's 37, 120lbs, long brown hair - yeah ok you get it - she's hot.

I'm hot too. Not being a jerk (I'm that too, more on that later) just stating what I believe to be a fact.

I'm not in perfect shape, but I'm 6' and weigh 190.

I'm a very good looking guy, and I mostly say that because it's pertinent to my frame of mind. I'm easily attractive enough for someone to be attracted to.

 

Since the kids were born things have gone downhill - to be expected.

But it's not a frequency of sex thing that bothers me, it's the lack of intimacy.

 

When I hit on my wife she laughs. "Really? Are you serious?" is a common response.

She doesn't kiss me, or touch me, or hug me, or tell me she loves me without prompting - without asking directly for a hug or kiss.

If I point it out, it breaks her heart, but still it doesn't change.

A kiss these days is tight lipped, quick, and passionless.

 

When we do have sex by far the most common lead in is "ok, I'll do ya" - I don't like it. I know she's doing it "just for me" and I just don't need that.

I'm a good looking guy in a decent place in life, I shouldn't need to beg for sex from the woman who agreed to have sex with me until we both drop dead.

That's the mad part.

 

"I'll do ya" just does not sound anything like "I want you" - I haven't heard an "I want you" in - I don't know actually - a really long time.

 

She does say that when we finally start having sex she enjoys it.

I'm pretty into sex - as I stated - and especially like getting her off.

Which I do often.

She does not perform oral on me, never has, I knew that going into it, it's not an issue.

But it does set up some inequity in the sexual give and take right fromt he start.

Which I worry might have some unknown impact.

 

I'm a jerk - as stated - and lose the plot regularly.

Similar to the oral, she knew this going into it.

Not something I'm proud of, and a constant work in progress, but it is what it is.

She does something stupid (as we all do) I flip out, realize I overreacted, apologize profusely, life goes on.

 

I also tend to be very critical of myself.

Can't be a hypocrite. SO I get as pissed at me as I do everyone else.

Should note here, I'm not a freak, just lose my temper and say things like "I can't believe you threw that away, do you just not give a crap about me!!!?" instead of "Yo, I liked that thing, I'm bummed you threw it out".

Hmmm, I think that means I'm a drama queen - that sounds about right.

I'm a major overreactor.

 

One of the main recurring themes in our arguments is that I "need to be nicer".

She says, which I fully understand, that she doesn't feel like having sex with me if I was just a major jerk.

But I don't know how long that grudge clock runs for.

There is no apology, flowers, fix the problem.

Just don't be a jerk for a while.

 

But she's not interested in sex too much when things are peachy either.

Basically I either am in a crap mood and get turned down for sex - my fault because I'm a jerk - or - I'm in a good mood and get turned down for sex - my fault because I'm not attractive to her.

 

So I'm walking around feeling like crap on top of crap.

She doesn't get it - she thinks my fake confidence that gets me through the corporate world is the real deal, and just can't seem to understand why I would hate myself.

 

I try to explain - "my wife isn't attracted to me and doesn't want to have sex with me - I'm a loser" She says "That's not true" - but still - no sex.

 

I thought that I was exaggerating the infrequency of sex - or at least I was only concentrating on the times she DIDN'T hug me, kiss me, bed me.

So I did a little experiment.

We went two weeks, in which we got a long great, with me pretending everything was fine, being as nice as possible, and never approaching her for intimacy.

When I pointed it out she just didn't believe me and said that couldn't be true.

 

She doesn't want to believe it.

It crushes her.

When she does, on rare occasion, admit that she knows she isn't very affectionate she breaks down.

She feels horrible.

Yet, it still doesn't change.

 

When we have sex all I can think about is "She hates this, she doesn't want to be doing this, you're making her uncomfortable".

I constantly worry about what I'm doing, if she's ok with it, if it's hurting her.

If she moves, as we all hope our partner does, I immediately stop because I think she's uncomfortable or not liking it or whatever.

 

We used to be normal.

I could stick things in the WRONG places, and she'd laugh and say "good luck buddy", I could do things she'd never done, she could ask me to try things I'd never done. We found things together that we both love.

A normal sex life I'd call it.

 

Now I'm embarrassed to ask her for sex.

I feel like a loser.

When she does agree to "do me" - all I can think is "this isn't what she wants, and why are you screwing someone who isn't into you" - and then I can't perform.

So that, of course, leads to more embarrassment etc.

 

I explain to her, I tell her what's going through my head.

She just says "No, that's not what I'm thinking".

She says she does like it, it doesn't make her uncomfortable, she is attracted to me.

Yet nothing changes.

 

Basically no matter what I'm feeling, or picking up from her, I'm wrong.

Not "You're wrong you suck" more like "No sweetie, of course I'm attracted to you".

 

But then, nothing changes.

If I don't initiate, I get nothing.

Nothing meaning, no hugs, no kisses, no I love you's, not even an "I'm glad you didn't get hit by a bus yesterday"'s

 

I'm supposed to be able to just get myself ready, use her, and be happy about it.

Well, I'm not, this isn't what I signed up for.

We talked about it.

She would like to "please me" and to her that means spread her legs.

To me, that means "be somewhat attracted to me".

She doesn't understand why I'm not ok with the "just do me" style of sex life.

 

I'm a good looking, smart, funny guy.

I don't deserve this kind of sex life.

At the very least I deserve someone who is genuinely attracted to me.

 

She doesn't deserve it either.

I'm a good lover, but not when I'm with someone who isn't into me.

Who would want to force someone to have sex with them - it makes my skin crawl.

I'm all for whatever fantasy etc., I'm down with different kids of sex.

 

I don't know - I've moved on to rambling.

It's a libido thing - she has none.

The pill makes her depressed, and completely kills her sex drive, so I got snipped.

Now, no pill and still no sex drive, I'm sterile and got nothign to show for it.

 

I'm not that bitter about the V - but it's one more thing that just makes the whole situation a little more sucky.

 

Anyway - ramble over - seacrest out

[Mr. Lucky]

If there ever was a couple that MC was designed for, it's you. Taking your statements at face value (although some of them are internally inconsistent), you get along well, communicate well, are committed to each other. So why the roadblock?

 

 

My guess is that there is a power struggle going on in your marriage. Resolve it and let both partners feel empowered to ask for what they need and life could be good. Fail to resolve it and ... you'll have decades more of the same.

 

Have you discussed counselling with her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sure]

You both sound wonderful. I like you a lot.

I love the way you described "fake confidence" like at work. Very good.

So..you are a good communicator. And insightful. and self reflecting. You have a lot to offer.

 

You and wife both find each other attractive and are very committed and in love.

 

She doesnt initiate sex but once you convince her she wants to, she enjoys it.

 

Parenting changes your life just as much as it changes you. Sometimes the choreography is off. Motherhood changes a woman different than Fatherhood changes a man. Eventually you meet again.

 

For couples like you, it wont take that long.

 

The good news : YOU ARE STILL HAVING SEX

 

With each other yet.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

the story is no different from others..... Always the same, and never the answer that you want to hear.

 

As my spouse says, tongue in cheek..... Sucks to be you.....

[angie2443]

You have 2 kids still in diapers? She may be drained. It could be something else. I would see an MC to figure out what's really going on. Good luck.

[giotto]

oh God, another one...

[zark00]

Thank you for the comments.

I can't tell you how helpful it is just to read something like "I think you guys will make it".

I just needed something other than "this will end badly no matter what you do" which is a lot of what you'll find if you just start reading.

 

Also, that sucks to be you comment, was more helpful than you could know.

It made me think, and I came to the conclusion that life could be A LOT worse.

It doesn't really suck to badly being me.

It sucks that I worry that my wife isn't hot for me - and I don't get laid enough - but other than that things just aren't that bad.

I found myself wanting to reply with all the things that DON'T suck - so your wife doesn't think I'm a loser - and that just made me smile.

 

oh God, another one...

 

Yeah - that wasn't super helpful until I read your story.

 

But, thankfully, I looked you up and found out your in the same boat (albeit yours sounds worse) so I understand the context of your comment now.

 

Hopefully I'm getting it right, and you're saying "welcome to the club - the really crappy club none of us wanted to join".

 

I can say this. Just posting, getting it off my chest, and getting something hopeful in return, has made a big difference in my frame of mind.

 

I can't say I don't care - far from it - but I can say I feel better about putting in the work and wait it's going to take to get this fixed.

 

Thank you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I hope you saw it for what it is.... Don't beat yourself up. Your wife I'm sure loves you, finds you attractive. That should be the last worry as you are confident.

 

Do we know the answer to your situation, unfortunately not.

 

My wife referred to it as the "elephant in the room", a sad reality, and she loves me, and I still resemble my younger self, weigh the same (if that matters), and am a little more successful.

 

Keep asking questions, pushing gently, seeing a counselor together, or on your own. I hate to say it but expect to talk until you are blue in the face....

 

If it is something you can't get past, I know this is unpopular, but look into an Ashley Madison or something.

 

I am convinced reading these posts, that the male is certainly stuck between a rock and a hard place and has to decide what is best for him (in this case). A sad reality, but look at the posts, always the same and seldom with a satisfying result.....

[zark00]

Do you mind my asking where you and wifey are now - did you manage to fix it or make any headway?

 

You sound like you may have - and that's very encouraging.

 

I can stick it out for a loooooong time - and I will if there is hope for the future.

The idea of not being with her, or worse, someone else making her happy, makes me sick to my stomach.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Look, like I'm sure of my wife, quit worrying about your wife cheating. There is very little chance that is the case.

 

I won't say things are great, but I also know it is not me for the most part, it is her issue. Making her confront it is fruitless for the most part, I can only hope things improve (attitude, hang-upsmenopause, depression, kids in the house, stress.....).

 

No I am not perfect by any means, but she does get off when we have sex and as a male, that is our scorecard. Does it work, is it enjoyable, was it efficient (needs to be at times)?

 

So I've pretty much accept it and at least know she is not looking elsewhere and heck I am not alone.....

[in_absentia]

oh God, another one...

 

I was just going through my old posts cos I haven't posted in aaaaages and you replied to me aaaages ago asking if my name is a porcupine tree reference... I can't find a way to reply in private mail here but incase you ever stumble upon this, yes it's a very deliberate porcupine tree reference

[marriage]

I am convinced reading these posts, that the male is certainly stuck between a rock and a hard place and has to decide what is best for him (in this case). A sad reality, but look at the posts, always the same and seldom with a satisfying result.

[giotto]

I was just going through my old posts cos I haven't posted in aaaaages and you replied to me aaaages ago asking if my name is a porcupine tree reference... I can't find a way to reply in private mail here but incase you ever stumble upon this, yes it's a very deliberate porcupine tree reference

 

sorry for the late reply... been on holiday... Two PT fans, then!!! Glad to hear it!