trying so hard not to contact him...

[nobandaid]

So my boyfriend and I of 2.5 years broke up over 3 months ago now. There was no contact from either one of us for the first month or so and then we began to talk casually and we saw each other a couple of times. Things were looking up for us and I really wanted to get back together but he "wasn't sure" and needed some space.

 

So I gave him space and he continued to tell me, for another couple of weeks, that he didn't know what he wanted... so finally I gave him the dreaded "ultimatum."

 

---- Basically I told him to decide what he wants with us and if he really loves me or not or I will have no choice but to move on with my life, which obviously may include dating other people. ------

 

He flipped at this and said if I was going to give him ultimatums then "I was not worth it in the first place." I was very upset at this point because I had told him so many times that I wanted him back but he still said he didn't know.

 

I went out to a bar the next night and met a guy (purely platonic on my behalf)... and so the guy asks me for coffee the next night and I agree to go. Anyway my ex calls to see what I am doing and I tell him the truth, that I am going out for a coffee with this guy. So anyway my ex is all like "I never want to see you again.. blah blah" and hangs up on me. Then he calls me at 5am in the morning, says he doesn't want to lose me to this other guy and asks if he can come over. So he came over and we slept together, for the first time since the break up.

 

Then a few days later he was still saying that he loved me very much and misses me but he doesn't know what he wants still. So I told him to make up his mind cause I'm not going to wait around for ever. So he says "well I can't expect you to...I guess we'll just have 2 say goodbye." I said I dont want to and we hang up, things unclear...

 

Then I don't hear from him for a few days and so decide that he must want it to be over. (Meanwhile the other guy has asked me out for dinner, to which I agreed, as friends). So I call my ex and he is like "why are you calling me?" I explain that if he doesn't want to be with me any longer, I need closure from the relatiomship and he says "well I'm not giving it to you..." So I tell him that this same guy has asked me out to dinner and I don't want to have to feel guilty about a simple dinner... my ex then screams at me and says he never wants to see me again and is sorry that he ever met me. Then hangs up on me.

 

I tried calling him back numerous times that night and the next day..he ignored every one of my calls and messages...that was 10 days ago...I am living on the hope that by me not contacting him he will miss me and come back. This has happened so many times now...please read my other posts....I need some advice. I need some help not to call or contact him in any way because I know the response that I will get will only make me feel even worse than I already do. Each day is getting better but I still miss him so so much!!!!

 

Please help!!!! Thanks

[Arabess]

Most guys don't do well will direct confrontations....especially when they are put on the spot regarding "sharing feelings". We have a tendency as females to want to push for answers or closure. I think we can end up running off a guy by trying to force them to address our concerns.

 

I would think the best thing is to keep it cool and casual...discussing NOTHING about your relationship...past or present...the next time you have contact with him. I don't know if playing the "no contact" card will necessarily work. Just go on with your life and give him a call from time to time until he responds. That is....if you want the relationship to continue.

 

If you want to move on....filling the empty gap left by a lost relationship...is ALWAYS hard. It takes time, new companions, new interests....something to that effect.

[nobandaid]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I am unsure as to whether I want the relationship or not. I mean, I miss him dreadfully and would love to be back in his arms - but do I only feel like this because such a drastic part of my life has disapeared and I am looking to fill that void or do I actually want HIM back?? Oh I wish I knew.

 

Something is telling me that we're not meant to be apart - it just doesn't feel right and I can't seem to get used to the idea even after 3 months.

 

Sadly, throughout the past three months, it has always been about mind games with him. I have the desire to call him, of course I do, every second of the day. But deep down I know that if I do call, he will then believe he has the "upper hand..." as I am still holding on and contacting him.

 

I wish we could just put all the BS aside and deal with this like mature adults. I feel as if the ball is in his court now as he was the one who refused to take my many calls two weeks ago... Maybe I do want him back...but if I called him and acted normal and didn't mention anything about our relationship he would most likely say something along the lines of... "How can u act so normal? Obviously you are over me..." Then I will reply with "I'm not over you.. I love you very much and want you back.." And THEN it will turn into a game of cat and mouse again, him saying he still doesn't know what he wants etc etc....

 

I wish I could just make myself hate him or something so I could get over him if thats what I really need to do. I am hesitant about putting 100% into moving on with my life as there is always hope in the back of my mind that he will call...every time the phone rings I wonder if it's him...every time somebody comes to my door I wonder if it's him....but it never is.

 

Does anybody think this guy will come around and call me or do you all think I'm wasting my time and that I should move on? I think right now I just need someone to tell me what to do!!!

 

Thanks

 

N

[Arabess]

I've been in the SAME position. Ignoring him didn't help....ignoring the issue between us DID help. The problem was ....eventually, I needed answers and couldn't avoid the problems any longer. It was the final confrontation...we barely email anymore.

 

In your case you aren't getting answers...you aren't getting closure...and the two are enough to drive anyone nuts. I really feel for you....

 

No one can really tell you what to do because each situation is so very different. There's no way of knowing what is going on in his head or heart. There is also no way of knowing if he will come back to you.

 

It probably won't make any difference WHAT you do. All you can do is live your life as normal as possible while trying not to dwell on him. It may take weeks or months....but eventually you move on.

 

Then again....the next knock on the door may be his.

[Stangel311]

I have caved in so many times on my resolve not to contact the man I love that I would be a hippocrite if I told you to hang in there and not give in.

 

But if you have the strength to do that, then that is exactly what I think you should do.

 

I agree with you.............the ball is in his court. Next move is his. Meanwhile I think you should keep your mind occupied and your heart protected and try to move on just in case he doesnt make the next move.

 

Sounds like an emotional roller coaster for you either way it goes. I hope you find peace within yourself either way it turns out

[nobandaid]

Hi all, thought I'd post the latest update to my story.

 

So I took a couple of people's advice and decided to give him a quick "friendly" call to see how he was last night. I missed him very much all day for some reason - I hadn't spoken to him in exactly 2 weeks yesterday so maybe the reality of that hit or something, I don't know.

 

So I dialled his number and surprise surprise..he didn't pick up the phone. I left a voicemail saying hi, just wondering how you are, what you've been doing etc... then i sort of panicked and said "I also want you to know that there is no other guy in my life, there never has been.. you know I would never do anything to hurt you." So I concluded with "I hope you're well...I will try to understand if you do not wish to speak to me again but if you're up for a friendly chat you know how to get a hold of me."

 

An hour or so later he didn't return the call - which is weird for him. Normally he would at least send a text message or something saying "I'm not ready to be friends but I hope you're well..." Something of the like....but nothing at all...So I sort of panicked and I thought to myself.. I don't want to look back ten years down the track and regret not making a final effort to tell him my feelings for him and to assure him that there is no-one else in my life, regardless that the last thing he ever said to me was "I never want to see you again."

 

So I sent him a text message a couple of hours after I called him.. saying this : "I miss my best friend more than anything in the world...If you are sincere about never wanting to speak to me again then I will have no choice but to accept that and move on but I just wanted to tell you that I have not fallen out of love with you one little bit...I miss you and care about you more than ever and my life is incomplete without you in it...there is no other man in my life..I am sorry for ever giving you the impression that there was...I only wanted you to want me and I guess I thought that was the only way to get your attention." I sent it and a couple of hours later.....no reply still.

 

This may seem psycho or something but it is what he has finally made me do... After having coffee with a friend an hour or so later, I drove past his house and noticed that his bedroom light is on...so he is definitley home...so I call him and he once again ignores the call...so I send him a text message saying : "I don't want things to end on such a horrible note so I am out the front of your house if you want to talk." Anyway no reply so I stay there for a couple of minutes and he doesn't come out...so I tried to call him again and HIS PHONE IS OFF. I felt very very sick at this stage...can't we just be mature adults about this and talk?? This behaviour drives me crazy..especially coming from somebody that you love so much.

 

Anyway, I was quite close to one of his mates when we were together so I send him a message saying "Please call me Matt, I need you to convey a msg to D" He replies with "I wouldn't waste my breath." How hurtful is that??!!!

 

I feel like some sort of stalker or something... last night when all this was happening I panicked and somehow have to find a way of contacting him... when we broke up at the beginning and he wouldn't take my calls or have anything to do with me for weeks I was so mad at him...yet when he called me a month later I took his calls and was nice to him because we always promised each other that we would be there for one another if we broke up...however it only seems that he is able to do this, ignore me completely for as long as he likes...then when he is ready to talk to me and calls me he expects me to answer!!! And if I don't, then I'm the worst person in the world!!! Where do he and his friends get off treating me like this??? Is he treating me badly or do you think he sincerely wants to end things? It seems like he does but he has behaved exactly like this so many times in the last few months I don't know what to expect from him anymore....I guess though, that I got the "closure" that I needed last night, by walking away from this (if that's what I need to do) honourably, having let him know my true feelings etc...

 

AM I CRAZY??? I feel better today even so....though he still hasn't contacted me...maybe I don't want him to...maybe I just needed to tell him one last time how I felt about him..that I loved him etc...before walking away...so I have nothing to regret in one month or ten years time.

 

What does everyone else think???

 

Thanks,

 

Natalie

[BraveGirl]

Not much helpful feedback, just that i can understand you doing that, I have done it previously in my case, and want to every day now. I know I would get the nsame reaction you got, and I feel for you.

I call it cowardly of them. It makes you confused between loving them and being very angry with them.

[Arabess]

HAHA about the "stalker" thing. Probably MOST of us have done the same thing in some capacity. It's totally understandable.

 

However, it sounds to me like he really wants out of this relationship for the time being...possibly forever. All you can do is accept his wishes and go on with your own life. It'll drive you nuts at first.....and you will be miserable.....but eventually you'll heal and move on.

 

PS: Keep those "drive by's" to a minimum....we don't want to read a post with you being in jail!!

[nobandaid]

thanks for your advice, i really appreciate it guys.

 

As for moving on, I know that I have to but I am scared to do so because every other time he has done this he has always come back in a few weeks.

I am worried that if I give up, which I basically have, and move on/get over him, then if he comes back in a few weeks/months I will be sad because I will never know what "could have been."

 

Do you suggest that I just leave him be now? I now have no desire to contact him because I know that cruel, harsh response I will get of him hanging up on me and not wanting anything to do with me.

 

Bravegirl, How are you doing?? Let me know what's happening with ur boy - I would love to know. I wish that I could be as angry with him as he is with me, therefore perhaps it would be easier to get over him. But I think that you and I are both smart enough girls to know that, yes, they may be hating and avoiding us right now, but their anger has to eventually fade and when it does they will have to begin getting over us appropriately, just as we are doing now. And maybe then they will know what we are going through. And maybe MAYBE then they will run back to us - although I tell myself now that I will NEVER be there for him for doing this to me - I know deep down that I won't be able to ignore him because I care for him so much. Ah the immaturity of boys. I vow never ever to date a guy my age ever again!!! And I thought that he wanted to be with me forever and ever. Goodness me....I need answers but it's impossible.

 

Arabess, when this happened last time, all everybody could tell me is that they believed he wanted "out." So I took their word for it and tried to move on with my life. And what do you know? The moment things started to slot into place for me, he called and re-entered my life, saying that he "possibly" wanted me back. So I really don't know which way to turn this time. He has done this before - that is what makes me so so angry - because he thinks he can just ignore me for weeks at a time and then when he feels like speaking expects me to be there for him! And I am, every time - because I love him so much and would die to hear his voice. Its a pity it's not a mutual desire. Maybe I should just forget about him and move on.....I want to so badly but at the same time it is so frustrating that he won't deal with this in an adult fashion - that I have to run after him like a school girl.

 

Sorry - this is becoming repetitive!!!

 

Thanks,

 

Natalie

[Stangel311]

Natalie,

 

Forget him. I know its more easily said then done but take the first step and take it day by day.

 

Regardless of whether he decides he wants you back or not, the way he has treated you is shameful. You deserve better then that. I sense a pattern here. Honestly, would you want to trust your love, your heart with someone who could be so cruel to you?

 

The way he has been treating you he is hurting you over and over. Make the decision to forget him. Then you have the one big hurt but can start the healing process. I know love can be so painful. And its easy to see the answer from where I am sitting. I just hope everything works out in the best way for you and you find happiness.

[BraveGirl]

Hi N

Sorry have not joined in much for a bit, but have read everything, in both your and UCFKevin's posts.

I am not doing well at all, I just can't bear it. Keep crying, all the time. The same thing, just total cut off. I have sent the very occasional message now saying eg 'I hope we are friends,' but silence.

 

Missing him so so so much feels literally unbearable a lot of the time. I'm also angry that he can shut me out like this. But I too would take him back in a second.

 

Just can't write more.

[nobandaid]

hi bravegirl, thanks for your reply.

 

I could happily be dead right now. I just got home from being out at a club for the night and a mutual friend of ours told me that he is sleeping with someone else. My heart is breaking, I have been vomiting for the past three hours, I dont know what to do. Apparently they are just "f*** buddies" but I feel so sick at the thought of him sleeping with another girl. He was my first. I haven't gone and slept with someone else. I don't see how he could do this to me. I have to work in 3 hours and I am just so upset. devastated. The tears just dont stop. I spoke to him 2 weeks ago and i have the feeling that he had slept with her before he slept with me 3 weeks ago almost. BASTARD. oh help.

 

N

[nobandaid]

just found out he's having sex with someone else. I was unaware that any human being was capable of hurting so much.

[Arabess]

Unfortunately, there is no real help for your feelings....but time. You'll have to live thru the hurt and disappointment and loss....just as so many people do from time to time. (Many of which are posting on here.)

 

When I went thru my "ordeal"...I met a great bunch of net buddies who talked me thru it. I asked for additional overtime as work.....I cleaned the crap out of my house....and tried to find every diversion possible. After awhile, I even got to the point of refusing to let myself even think about it. Then one day.....I woke up...and it didn't hurt anymore. It won't happen overnight....but it WILL happen.

[Arabess]

Let me correct that...it SITLL hurts from time to time......but not that horrible pain in the pit of your stomache. Now, it's just a numb thing.

[charlie]

hey nobandaid. i really feel your pain in this. i too am going through my own bit of hell right now. my girfriend moved out yesterday and i thought i was going to be okay i thought i was tough enough to handle it. i had a dream about her and i last night, about how happy we were, it's like it was fated. what a cruel trick that was to plant that dream in my sleep. today i'm a wreck and it's all i can do just to focus on typing. i look at my cell phone and all i want to do is call her. just know that you're not alone and hell is on earth for both us. if only temporarily.

[nobandaid]

Thanks for your reply charlie. How is it all going? I hope u are ok... let us know.

 

So it's been a week today since I found out he's sleeping with someone else. And she's sleeping with a few of his mates also - one of whom I saw at a club last night. He sort of said hi as he walked past me at some stage and i was short, just said how are ya and kept walking. Seeing him made me feel ill.

 

Although I must say I have felt different this week. I have felt different to that of how i've been feeling for the past three months. I feel a little elated, even happy. For months I was unable to smile, laugh, be happy, without being angry with myself. I would constantly question "how could i be happy without him..?"

 

I am definitely not "over" him, but I think that perhaps the healing process has begun for me. I don't know. I guess some days are harder than others, but I must say that I have been feeling pretty ok lately.

 

I think also that I have lost a LOT of respect for him, finding out that he's sleeping with that THING. It's one step at a time I guess. I have not contacted him in over a week and unlike the previous months. I no longer have a constant desire to pick up the phone and call him. I am disgusted by his behaviour and I believe that somehow, that it is making it easier for me.

 

How are all my fellow heartbroken / heartbreakers going out there?

 

*big hug*

 

Natalie

[firecrackermishap]

hey kiddo, thanks for the support. being at odds with the one you love has got to be the worst thing in the world. right now, mary is staying at her friend Dawn's for a little while to sort things out for herself and figure out where we stand. what really hurts is that she couldn't tell me how deeply she was hurting when we were face to face. she just wouldn't talk to me.

 

she called me yesterday from work and told me she would be leaving for a little bit and kept repeating things like she "didn't want to hurt me " and that she doesn't want me to hate her for this. that's easier said than done of course. when she got home from work i made sure i wasn't here, the thought of watching her pack her things up put my stomach in knots. it's hard enough just being here right now, looking at all of the things she left behind...pictures, her clothes. i don't sleep in our bed because i know that i can never sleep comfortably there unless she's by my side.

 

i leave my phone on in case she calls but i'm not gonna hold my breath. she said she might call me but i really don't want to hear her voice. i'm trying to keep moving though. i can't get distracted. tonight at work i'm going to bring some boxes home and start packing up some of my things. obviously i'm not holding out too much hope for us. we just gotta keep on with the moving on i guess.

[charlie]

btw, i'm the firecrackermishap. just disregard the name on that last post.

[Addison]

I know I'm entering this conversation a little late, but its so weird to read your words about what is happening to you and feel like you are telling my story. I found out that my ex was sleeping with someone else about 2 weeks ago. It was something that I felt deep inside of me. Something about him had changed and we were still sleeping together. And the last time we were together it was something about the way he acted, the awkwardness of it all... it had never been like that. So I knew. But I didn't say anything that night, I just waited 'til he was gone and cried. But within a day or so I just had to know. So like a big dummy, I asked and he told me yes. I wanted to kick myself for wanting to know that bad. I think it might have been easier just not knowing. But this was my love, my life. We had lived together for the better part of a year and to think that he has just moved on so easily? Its unbelievable. But like you said, I have this anger and resentment within me now that helps me make it through the day a little easier. When I wake up in the morning and my first thought is always, "Wow, he's still really gone." It is now not followed by tears, but with a deep breath to fight away the sickening feeling of knowing that he probably spent the last night with her. And even though that might seem like an odd thought to be so inspiring, outside of the hurt, it really is what keeps me going. Because it makes me see the things about him that I don't really like... and the things that he is capable of doing. So despite how terribly I love him, everyday does get easier.

 

Well, except for those times when I'd like to choke her... (just joking) Not really.... ok, yeah...*L*

[greentea]

I can so relate to your story. I have another post in this channel called "silent treatment".

 

Its been two weeks since our "argument" but i still keep on thinking that maybe its my fault because without me pressuring him, maybe he didnt get mad. Out of guilt and desire to fix things, I sent him text messages from day 1 to 6. Got to the point where I begged him to forgive me.. and that I really love him a lot ... that he is my life and I couldn't go on without him. He NEVER replied. He wouldn't take my calls. Finally on day 6, he said "i need time to think. if and when i am ready, i will let you know. We both need time. " then I asked him if he still loves me, he said "i dont know". How can he say he doesnt know when the night before the argument, all is well and he still said "goodnight! i love you!"

 

Day 7 and 8, I did not text or call him ... though I was dying to. (I wanted to fix things before it gets worse.)

 

Day 9, I texted him again... begged for him to give me and our relationship a second chance and that if things still do not work out, i will voluntarily get out of the relationship.. Still no reply from him.

 

Day 10 7:00AM, I sent him a final text message and told him "Please call me." No reply. So, I decided to call him.. he didnt answer my call.

 

I had enough then. I know its hard. He is my first too. And we are in a 4+ years relationship. I love him with all of my life and never imagined that this will happen to me. I am never good at this kind of problems. I am too emotional and I might die of depression because of this. But I am trying to be brave. Sometimes, when I think about him and how happy the relationship was and how much love I have for him, I cry and wish that one day we will get back together and be happy again. That I am ready to forgive him for all his selfishness even without him asking for it.

 

Some of my friends would tell me i should move on as it is so selfish of him to just shut me out because he wants to. Some would tell me, I should just give him what he needs - time.

 

Now, I must say I am not coping very well yet. I would frequently break out into tears. I cant focus on my work. I miss him a lot. I still love him so much but I am left in a very helpless situation. For the first time in my life, I felt very helpless and not being able to do anything about my problem.

 

It is sad that SOME men are selfish, and SOME men are immature. Still there are SOME men who do not even care about how much their girlfriends love them and that they take that LOVE for granted... the love which could mean LIFE to another.

 

How cruel SOME men can be...

 

Just venting out...nothing personal

[Lucy Loverheart]

hey there...

 

each time you attempt to call this guy or drive-by his place you are destroying your self-confidence and self-worth. it is simply soul-destroying and very self-destructive behaviour that you are exhibiting right now. please do not think that i am preaching here coz i am also going through a simliar situation myself right now. i get really embarrassed when i think of the times when i've gone to his house and made call after call only to relaise that he does not want me in his life anymore. what hurts most is knowing that you were once so intimate with that person and shared a closeness like no other. to go from that to having that person avoid your calls is harsh i know. but if you have any dignity left (and you sound like agreat person) you will try your best to curb this sort of behaiour and find someone who is far more deserving of you x x x Good luck!

[sarah12]

hey there Natalie. I read your thread and I am happy you are doing better..it is strange how so many of us can relate to the same feelings that you describe. My heartbreaker story is a bit different though - it was definitely not a long term thing at all (which makes it even more pathetic!) but it still hurts. Its strange how even though everyone tells you to "get over him and move on"..I just cant, because I don't want to. Anyways..my story is in the dating section "he feels guilty about the ex..".

 

 

Keep your chin up and keep smiling..