father and abuse

[c-riouz]

hi,

 

a few traumatic things happened to me many years ago and they are still haunting me and impacting my present, and I just don't know how to get over them, since no counselling can make me forget the memories or undo the abuse, so I sort of see no point in counselling, but maybe someone can convince me otherwise and give me pointers as to where to start.

 

when i was around 11 or 12 or 13 (i don't know exactly anymore), my father and i were at my grandmother's house, and she slept in the living room and my father and i shared her big bed (no big deal until then, it was a huge two persons bed and nothing ever happened until then). that night though he must have had a dream about his girlfriend, because he mistook me for her and touched me inappropriately (my developing breast, to be exact, and even went there with his mouth). I woke up and was too shocked to say anything and wasn't sure if I was dreaming or what to do, but he realized quickly (or woke up) what he was doing and went out of the room (probably to go to the bathroom) and came back later and said "I thought (his girlfriend's name) was laying next to me." Nothing else. I remember asking myself if it really happened, but the tears on my face were real, so it can't have been a dream, I know that.

 

Now, the thing I'm struggling is with that I'm torn between hate and the feeling that he is still my father and did not do that INTENTIONALLY. I know how real can dreams be sometimes, how things from dreams can feel real, how you even move around in sleep and do things during dreams (or the transition phase between sleeping and waking up) that you're not even aware of, nor want to do.

 

So that aspect kills me. it would be alot easier for me to hate him and cut him out of my life if he had done it intentionally. so this way i tell myself on the one hand, "he didn't want to do it, he didn't do it intentionally, plus he is such a nice man, and he's my father!!" and the other part of me hates him and I tell myself that this shouldn't have happened regardless, that he should have been aware of that his daughter is laying next to him! i'm so angry sometimes and at the same time so stuck and i can't move on because of this, because he is my father and i can't just cut him out of my life for something he did not want to do.

 

i have no idea if he still even remembers that episode, we never talked about it, never mentioned it again and just continued life as though nothing had happened, i am still in good contact with him, visit him regularly (but despise and hate him sometimes when i see him looking at women THAT way, because it reminds me of his "dangerous, overwhelming sex drive" again, and it makes me scared again) because, well, he is my father, and i cannot leave him, especially since he's been physically ill for a few years.

 

i feel so torn and guilty. i hate him for what he did to me and want him to be dead, but at the same time i care deeply for him and would cry a river if he died, especially since i always think "he did not do it intentionally, it was because he dreamed something and didn't know where he was or who he was with for that one moment, otherwise it wouldn't have happened".

 

but at the same time i think, "it's still un-excusable, he should not have done that, who knows what pervert he is when he already had those kind of dreams that even made him act it out on the next best person next to him, it is not normal, it didn't happen to millions of other children either, after all, so there is no excuse for what he did".

 

and it goes forth and back between these two voices in my head, and it kills me.

 

of course, this has also carried over into my relationships, since i distrust men and despise and fear their sex drive because if i can't even trust my own father in the most vulnerable situation (sleep), the person who is supposed to protect me, then who else can i trust? no one. and please don't suggest talking to him about it (my father, that is), I will NOT be able to do that, and don't want to.

 

it is ruining my current relationship, so i need help. thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

You do need counselling.

 

But what you have to understand is that the person who is currently creating a hell in your life, and is ruining your relationship - is you.

 

I know it seems harsh to say that, but what happened is in the past.

 

You're keeping it alive by continuously re-playing the event, and nurturing feelings of hatred and guilt.

But in order to stop this, and to know how to come to terms with it and deal with it - You do need counselling.

[c-riouz]

Thanks for the reply. Well, what kind of counselling would you recommend? I know there are different types - CBT, psychoanalysis.....which one is the best for my case? Or should I just look for a counsellor who is specialized in sexual abuse and go from there? And yeah, it does sound a bit harsh. It is not my fault, after all, that those things happened, so my feelings of feeling bad about it are not something that can be entirely blamed on me - it's not like I "asked" for them. But I understand your point that I do need to get to over them either way - I can't undo the past, but I need to learn how to live constructively instead of destructively with it.

[TaraMaiden]

You are not at fault for what happened to you. But you are responsible for your feelings, because in permitting such matters to overshadow your life, you abdicate your power and give it to someone else.

 

Trust me.

I've been there.

 

Your Doctor may well be able to point you in the right direction.

You do not have to reveal the reasons, although they are naturally bound by Patient Confidentiality - but you need to find someone to whom you can talk, and they will start you off in the right direction. You may actually progress via stepping stones, as it were, to eventually find the person suited to discussing your issues and helping you see your way clear to overcoming them. Or you might find them immediately.

Either way, they won't be doing anything, except coaxing you in the right direction.

You'll be doing most of the hard graft.

But believe me, it will all be worth it in the end......

 

Good luck.

[Hkizzle]

I think you should say someone specialized is sexual abuse, since they have more experience in how to teach people to let go.

 

I noticed you mentioned he was a pervert for acting this dream out in that way.

 

But I think many people act things out. I've found myself hugging my pillow before, or even did things with my ex-GF who was lying next to me and couldn't remember the next day because I was so tired.

[Green]

I think you should just go see any body who knows about healing the mind. If you see a doctor and they say they are the wrong one they will directy you to the correct one. In your fathers defense he didn't ever do it again did he? and he never shamed you into keeping a secret?

 

I don't have a daughter or anything but in a hypothetical scenario where I fell asleep and did something like this I don't know what I would do. I might just try and forget it ever happened and never sleep in the same bed again, I would probably go see a pyschiatrist and ask for their opinion on if I should send my daughter to counsling. Who knows if your father was asleep or not, you do need to let this go because you are upset about this and talking to some one who knows about this stuff will probably help