"OW" perspective on meddling ex-girlfriend

[stace79]

I am engaged to a guy I've been seeing for over three years now. When we first met, he was still getting over an ex of about four years. Long story short, he broke up with me to "get closure" with her for about four months. Discovered the same issues they'd always had were still there, so he and I got back together. Lived together for 1.5 years.

 

When we got back together, he wanted to maintain a friendship with the ex. E-mail, phone and IM only; no in person contact at my demand. Regardless I was unhappy with them still talking. I finally decided I couldn't deal with it and broke up with him early this year. At this point, he realized I was too important, so he e-mailed his ex, BCC'd me, to tell her he did not want to be her friend anymore as I was his priority and it was damaging his relationship with me. He actually told her I had broken up with him, but that he wanted to stop talking to her anyway on the off chance I would give him a break.

 

After this e-mail, she tried to text twice, but that was it. He moved for a job, changed his cell number and home number, and we didn't hear anything from her. Then yesterday she added his sister on Facebook. I am pissed off because basically I broke up with him b/c I didn't want any drama from her ever again. And I thought the only way to get her out of my life was to break up with him. Well now he tried to get her out of our lives but she's still finding a way to weasel in.

 

What should I do? I was thinking that maybe someone who has been the "OW" could give me some helpful perspective. Should I e-mail her myself now? Ignore her still?

[whichwayisup]

You have no control over this one. His sister can be friends with whomever she wants, like it or not, sorry.. Maybe they are friends, though the timing is quite questionable..

 

What he can do though is, explain to his sister about his ex and ask her if it's possible to either delete her or make her have a limited profile (not see her wall or any photo's) and also tell her (sister) NOT to discuss him or you TO the ex.

 

You can't break up with him over this, that's just insane. All you can do stay in NC mode and hope one day she gets the hint by SILENCE.

 

If you call or email her, you will get drama and you've said that's something you're looking to get away from. Just ignore her completely and ask your bf to speak to his sister.

[stace79]

You have no control over this one. His sister can be friends with whomever she wants, like it or not, sorry.. Maybe they are friends, though the timing is quite questionable..

 

What he can do though is, explain to his sister about his ex and ask her if it's possible to either delete her or make her have a limited profile (not see her wall or any photo's) and also tell her (sister) NOT to discuss him or you TO the ex.

 

You can't break up with him over this, that's just insane. All you can do stay in NC mode and hope one day she gets the hint by SILENCE.

 

If you call or email her, you will get drama and you've said that's something you're looking to get away from. Just ignore her completely and ask your bf to speak to his sister.

 

Boo! I just want to write her and tell her off. I agree his sister can be "friends" with whoever she wants; it's just that I know this girl. And I know she "friended" his sister specifically because she can't reach my fiance anymore. I just don't want to accept that she may "pop up" at any time throughout my life. I don't know that I can deal with that. I really, truly HATE this girl.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I know you do, but by doing that YOU will be the one creating all the drama. If you ignore her, silence is golden...And she will eventually get the hint.

 

Talk to your bf, see if he'll speak to his sister about this.

 

The thing is, she WILL pop up once in a while. And that's just life..You may run into her at the store, or at someone's wedding expectedly..Who knows. Somehow you have to get over your anger and hate towards her. If you don't, your anger, hate, jealously is what's going to end your relationship, not her.

[jj33]

Reading the forums here may make you less than trusting but I think you have to trust him. She can only get to him if he is open to her advances. She cant make him interested in him.

 

I can understand that you might be nervous about her but the real question is do you trust him? She could be standing naked in front of him and if you trust him and your trust is warranted, you have nothing to worry about.

 

If you have other reasons not to trust him then you need to look at that. But he has severed his ties with her. There is nothing she can do to get him away from you if he wants to be with you.

[stace79]

Reading the forums here may make you less than trusting but I think you have to trust him. She can only get to him if he is open to her advances. She cant make him interested in him.

 

I can understand that you might be nervous about her but the real question is do you trust him? She could be standing naked in front of him and if you trust him and your trust is warranted, you have nothing to worry about.

 

If you have other reasons not to trust him then you need to look at that. But he has severed his ties with her. There is nothing she can do to get him away from you if he wants to be with you.

 

This honestly is not about a lack of trust at all. It used to be but once he showed me he was serious about not having her in his life and choosing me first alway I didn't worry about that anymore.

 

Actually I never thought he would cheat on me. I just hate her guts and don't want her having any contact with me, my fiance, or my future in-laws. Or my fiance's friends. Or my fiance's dentist. Etc. Etc. haha Get it?

 

I really believed that with the email he sent her she would just go away and never even try anything again. Sure maybe she would randomly show up at an alumni event or friend-of-friend thing. That could always happen. But I just don't want her still TRYING to find ways in to his life and indirectly my life. Does that make sense?

[jj33]

It does but as the others have said you need to let it go. Its easier said than done but you cant hold that anger without damaging your relationship.

[fooled once]

My advice?

 

Deal with it.

 

HE cannot control HER and her actions.

 

Heck, I married a man with an EXWIFE -- with every person comes baggage. You learn to be an adult and deal with it.

 

If you trust him - there shouldn't be an issue.

[stace79]

It does but as the others have said you need to let it go. Its easier said than done but you cant hold that anger without damaging your relationship.

 

Well I guess the problem here is that I already broke up with him once over her. I am just not willing to have her meddling in my life.

[fooled once]

And I disagree with him talking to his sister ~ that is ridiculous.

 

Stop worrying about it ~ stop creating drama where there isn't drama and if you continue to show your boyfriend that you are insecure, he may decide he doesn't want to be with you. He can't run around and tell everyone who knows an ex of his to not talk to them. That is just silly.

[stace79]

And I disagree with him talking to his sister ~ that is ridiculous.

 

Stop worrying about it ~ stop creating drama where there isn't drama and if you continue to show your boyfriend that you are insecure, he may decide he doesn't want to be with you. He can't run around and tell everyone who knows an ex of his to not talk to them. That is just silly.

 

Exactly -- I would hope that she was grown up enough to realize that when he said he wants nothing to do with her, he really meant he wants NOTHING to do with her. This is HER problem -- and I want to tell her what a conniving biatch she is.

[AlektraClementine]

Exactly -- I would hope that she was grown up enough to realize that when he said he wants nothing to do with her, he really meant he wants NOTHING to do with her. This is HER problem -- and I want to tell her what a conniving biatch she is.

 

 

Stace - I posted a response in your other thread about this. I'm in your exact situation save the fact that my fiance never asked for permission to contact her and we've never broken up over. However, I do currently deal with a "meddler". She has "friended" 4 of our mutual friends.

 

Let it go. If she has the slightest inkling that she gets to you, the smile on her face will outshine the sun. Do not give her that satisfaction. Just enjoy your relationship and trust your dude until he gives you a reason not to. I'm inclined to think you don't trust him as much as you say you do.

[stace79]

Stace - I posted a response in your other thread about this. I'm in your exact situation save the fact that my fiance never asked for permission to contact her and we've never broken up over. However, I do currently deal with a "meddler". She has "friended" 4 of our mutual friends.

 

Let it go. If she has the slightest inkling that she gets to you, the smile on her face will outshine the sun. Do not give her that satisfaction. Just enjoy your relationship and trust your dude until he gives you a reason not to. I'm inclined to think you don't trust him as much as you say you do.

 

Believe it or not, I'm truly not worried about him cheating, with her or anyone else. He bends over backward to tell me how much he loves me, how much he wants us to be married, etc. I tend to be a little insecure, but I think the worst I would ever suspect would be that he meet someone he found he likes more than me and he would break up with me... I don't believe he'd ever cheat.

 

I just have serious anger issues with her, and I definitely am incapable of forgiving her for her part in my relationship traumas.

[AlektraClementine]

Believe it or not, I'm truly not worried about him cheating, with her or anyone else. He bends over backward to tell me how much he loves me, how much he wants us to be married, etc. I tend to be a little insecure, but I think the worst I would ever suspect would be that he meet someone he found he likes more than me and he would break up with me... I don't believe he'd ever cheat.

 

I just have serious anger issues with her, and I definitely am incapable of forgiving her for her part in my relationship traumas.

 

Not trusting someone doesn't just mean you worry that they'll have sex with someone else, sometimes it means they could be prone to "liking someone better than you". You don't trust him emotionally. She's only a threat because deep down, you aren't sure that she couldn't win his affection back. Cheating isn't just about sex.

 

You can't forgive her for traumatizing your relationship because she didn't traumatize it. Your fiance did when he left you for her and then subsequently asked you to allow them to have contact. It's him you are mad at but you would rather redirect your anger onto her because that way, you get to justify staying with your fiance.

 

***this is merely an opinion***

[stace79]

Not trusting someone doesn't just mean you worry that they'll have sex with someone else, sometimes it means they could be prone to "liking someone better than you". You don't trust him emotionally. She's only a threat because deep down, you aren't sure that she couldn't win his affection back. Cheating isn't just about sex.

 

You can't forgive her for traumatizing your relationship because she didn't traumatize it. Your fiance did when he left you for her and then subsequently asked you to allow them to have contact. It's him you are mad at but you would rather redirect your anger onto her because that way, you get to justify staying with your fiance.

 

***this is merely an opinion***

 

So if you were in my shoes, and you truly believe this, what would you do about it?

 

I am big on payback (unfortunately, yes I know it's not right), and I feel he got a lot of "payback" from the hell I've given him over this, as well as from our short break up. (He was miserable the whole time.) She never got hers. And yeah, sure it's easy to say karma is a biatch, but I don't like waiting for karma.

[AlektraClementine]

So if you were in my shoes, and you truly believe this, what would you do about it?

 

I am big on payback (unfortunately, yes I know it's not right), and I feel he got a lot of "payback" from the hell I've given him over this, as well as from our short break up. (He was miserable the whole time.) She never got hers. And yeah, sure it's easy to say karma is a biatch, but I don't like waiting for karma.

 

I am in your shoes. At least when it comes to the meddling ex. What do I do? Ignore her. Completely.

 

Let me give you some perspective. My fiance and I argued over her for 2 nights in a row. Monday and Tuesday. Last night we stayed up until 2 planning a wedding. Guess which evening was the most enjoyable.

 

I chose to trust him. With a little help from him. I've demanded to know when/if she contacts him directly and I've asked that when/if she does it again, that I get to be the one who responds. If that time comes, I will be as tactful as possible while telling her in no uncertain terms that she isn't welcome. My problem with my fiance hasn't been that he wants her to contact but that he's entirely too passive about it.

 

But I refuse to seek her out and confront her directly. Do you realize how much enjoyment that would give her? To know how much she gets to me? I will not allow her the satisfaction.

[stace79]

I am in your shoes. At least when it comes to the meddling ex. What do I do? Ignore her. Completely.

 

Let me give you some perspective. My fiance and I argued over her for 2 nights in a row. Monday and Tuesday. Last night we stayed up until 2 planning a wedding. Guess which evening was the most enjoyable.

 

I chose to trust him. With a little help from him. I've demanded to know when/if she contacts him directly and I've asked that when/if she does it again, that I get to be the one who responds. If that time comes, I will be as tactful as possible while telling her in no uncertain terms that she isn't welcome. My problem with my fiance hasn't been that he wants her to contact but that he's entirely too passive about it.

 

But I refuse to seek her out and confront her directly. Do you realize how much enjoyment that would give her? To know how much she gets to me? I will not allow her the satisfaction.

 

That's kinda where I am, too. It just makes me so angry. We have a similar agreement -- if/when she contacts him he tells me about it pretty much immediately, but not during work 'cause it screws up my productivity! Up until now, we have decided ignoring her is the best solution. But if she keeps finding ways, then we may have to alter our approach.

 

His e-mail that he did not want to be her friend anymore was the closest to mean he's ever come with her but it wasn't strong enough in my opinion. If it wasn't for me, he would still be her friend. But he keeps reminding me that even though he would choose to be her friend, it is more important to him to be engaged to me and marry me. So while he will accept not talking to her, he also doesn't want to hurt her feelings or be mean. Which drives me nuts.

[norajane]

TUp until now, we have decided ignoring her is the best solution. But if she keeps finding ways, then we may have to alter our approach.

 

What ways? She hasn't contacted him. So she's friends with his sister. Big deal. People have tons of friends on fb and myspace and they never even communicate.

 

His e-mail that he did not want to be her friend anymore was the closest to mean he's ever come with her but it wasn't strong enough in my opinion. If it wasn't for me, he would still be her friend. But he keeps reminding me that even though he would choose to be her friend, it is more important to him to be engaged to me and marry me. So while he will accept not talking to her, he also doesn't want to hurt her feelings or be mean. Which drives me nuts.

You should be happy that he doesn't want to be mean. It shows you that he will treat you with compassion one day when you need it, instead of being mean to you. Mean people are terrible to be around, and they're usually miserable and make others miserable. Why would you want to be married to person capable of being mean?

 

And to extend that, by harboring all this hostility, you are only making yourself unhappy. They say forgiveness is not really for the benefit of the person being forgiven, but for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. It means you can put down all the anger and hate that's weighing down your happiness.

 

It should be enough that you are happy with him and he's happy to be with you, and not need to smack her down in order to be happy.

[stace79]

What ways? She hasn't contacted him. So she's friends with his sister. Big deal. People have tons of friends on fb and myspace and they never even communicate.

 

You should be happy that he doesn't want to be mean. It shows you that he will treat you with compassion one day when you need it, instead of being mean to you. Mean people are terrible to be around, and they're usually miserable and make others miserable. Why would you want to be married to person capable of being mean?

 

And to extend that, by harboring all this hostility, you are only making yourself unhappy. They say forgiveness is not really for the benefit of the person being forgiven, but for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. It means you can put down all the anger and hate that's weighing down your happiness.

 

It should be enough that you are happy with him and he's happy to be with you, and not need to smack her down in order to be happy.

 

1. She added his sister as a friend on FB because both our profiles are private and she can't get any info from either of us. She is trying to find his new phone number or in some other way is snooping for any shred of contact.

 

2. Some times you have to be forceful, even a tad bit mean, to get what you need. It's great that he has a conscience, and just doesn't want to be mean to people for the sake of being mean. But I have broken up with people in the past who've not taken no for an answer, and I basically had to be somewhat cruel and make them dislike me to get them to leave me alone and move on.

 

I don't need to "smack her down" in order to be happy. I need him to make her realize that she is not ever welcome in any part of his life, EVER. That includes his family. He was friends with her younger brother when they dated, but he knows now that that is not acceptable to me. I don't want his family having any contact with her family. If he isn't okay with that, then we are not right for each other. I'm marrying him; not her.

[Ariadne]

What should I do? I was thinking that maybe someone who has been the "OW" could give me some helpful perspective. Should I e-mail her myself now? Ignore her still?

 

Why are you so afraid of her? And who cares who she adds as friends?

 

Has she to ask for your permission to add people as friends?

 

Just live your life and forget about this woman. He already made you his priority and that's all you should be concerned with.

[Ariadne]

And I disagree with him talking to his sister ~ that is ridiculous.

 

I agree...

[norajane]

I don't want his family having any contact with her family

You cannot control this, nor can you demand it. His family is going to think you're a psycho if you start telling them who they can and cannot speak to.

 

The only thing you have control over is whether your bf has contact with her. Since he does not want contact with her, you're in good shape and can relax knowing that you are his priority.

 

If you obsess over this, you're letting her win. She's got you where you can't enjoy your relationship.

 

Living well is the best revenge. The kind of revenge where she become totally irrelevant and doesn't take the enjoyment out of your life. The kind where you don't even notice who she's friending on fb.

[Ariadne]

I just want to write her and tell her off...I really, truly HATE this girl.

 

I just hate her guts and don't want her having any contact with me, my fiance, or my future in-laws. Or my fiance's friends.

 

I want to tell her what a conniving biatch she is.

 

I just have serious anger issues with her, and I definitely am incapable of forgiving her

 

I am big on payback...She never got hers...I don't like waiting for karma.

 

His e-mail... was the closest to mean...it wasn't strong enough in my opinion

 

Some times you have to be forceful, even a tad bit mean, to get what you need.

 

Wow, what a time bomb.

 

I doubt this person is ready for a loving relationship at this point.

 

It doesn't look good.

[stace79]

Wow, what a time bomb.

 

I doubt this person is ready for a loving relationship at this point.

 

It doesn't look good.

 

Are you an "OW"? Sounds like you're taking my situation personally.

[donnamaybe]

Stace, turn on your private messaging and PM me and I can maybe offer some insight into a few things.

 

Sorry about the OT.

 

Carry on!