girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'd like to say first that I am not a stupid woman. I am realistic, strong, and generally wise. I know what I did to get myself involved with a MM and I know that I have to end it ASAP, I just wish he would pick me over her. (How's that for some honesty?) We met at a time when my husband and I were at divisive odds and I needed an outlet. As he is 11 yrs older, it never occurred to me that I would fall in love, but I did. We promised that we would leave our spouses for one another, just never set a date as I have a teenage son. We were just floating along, loving each other until a few weeks ago when he got a job offer in another city; 5 hours away. He was at first tentative with details, although he did call me to tell me about the offer before he called her, and I (dumbly) thought it was because he was concerned I wouldn't uproot my son. But, alas, he has chosen to move with her instead. Of course, I had a major meltdown. Which was very difficult because no one can know that I am having a meltdown or why, but I decided to be strong and act. I sat my husband down and had a long (three day long) conversation with him about our relationship, our problems, and even broached the subject of separation. We have decided to work on things. Does this mean I was smart and broke it off with my MM? No, not yet. I told him that since he will be in town until January, I want to continue our relationship until then. I now know that this will not work. All I want is for him to take me with him and to continue this is only going to make life harder for me. I am too proud to allow him to hurt me in the future even if he is being a dream right now. I am an awesome, well-educated career woman who should be anyone's first pick yet he is choosing his old, fat, uneducated housewife over me, this hurts my pride to the core. To me there should be no choice, it is obvious. Yet, I still want to fall on my knees and beg him to pick me. This has to be done. I will do it the next time I see him in person, then I will assume a no contact rule. Sadly, I secretly hope this will give him the nudge he needs. I am pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Better you're being honest than living in a fantasy and blinders on. Since you're being honest, you need to tell your husband the truth. He has you by default - YOU haven't picked your husband, only reason why you're with him is because the MM chose his wife over you. Sorry, rightfully so since they (just like you and your H) have a history, a family together, and a life built together. Are you saying that if he chose you, you would have divorced your husband instantly and gone to be with your MM? Start NC now and forget about the MM. FOCUS on your husband and counselling, so you can figure out why you let yourself fall for another man while married. Maybe if your husband knew the truth, he could decide if he wants out or if he wants to give you another chance. Either way, do NOT 'beg' the MM, that is pathetic .. He's made his choice and you have to respect that...*NOTE I am not calling you pathetic, I'm just saying putting your plan in action IS not right thing to do. Talk to your husband instead, get to marriage counselling and let go of the MM. Maybe think about letting your husband go as well, he deserves a woman who is going to love "only" him and not another man.. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Better you're being honest than living in a fantasy and blinders on. Since you're being honest, you need to tell your husband the truth. He has you by default - YOU haven't picked your husband, only reason why you're with him is because the MM chose his wife over you. Sorry, rightfully so since they (just like you and your H) have a history, a family together, and a life built together. Are you saying that if he chose you, you would have divorced your husband instantly and gone to be with your MM? Start NC now and forget about the MM. FOCUS on your husband and counselling, so you can figure out why you let yourself fall for another man while married. Maybe if your husband knew the truth, he could decide if he wants out or if he wants to give you another chance. Either way, do NOT 'beg' the MM, that is pathetic .. He's made his choice and you have to respect that...*NOTE I am not calling you pathetic, I'm just saying putting your plan in action IS not right thing to do. Talk to your husband instead, get to marriage counselling and let go of the MM. Maybe think about letting your husband go as well, he deserves a woman who is going to love "only" him and not another man.. You know there is a lot of good points to your post, except you threw in the "standard" lines that make a WS feel like crap thus they disregard such posts. The good points that the OP should listen too I highlighted the rest is noise to a WS/AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Sorry, but what is WS/AP? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 GW, I've been in your shoes. First, MM's decision to stay with his W isn't about you, so please stop making it a value judgement on you. Whatever his reasons are for staying, they are his own, and there's nothing you can do about it if they are are bad reasons. I know you want him to choose you, but at what price? Don't sacrifice your dignity -- and rest assured your begging probably won't matter anyway. In a totally separate issue, what do you REALLY want in your M? You said "we agreed to work on it" but it sounds like you've emotionally abandoned ship a long time ago. If you were so willing to leave your M before, that ought to tell you something. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube as they say. You've already "left" the M without really leaving it, maybe it's time to actually let it go. In my scenario, my EA woke me up to how bad my M had really gotten and how unwilling I was to work on it anymore. So, I cut my losses and MM did not follow suit. (He did eventually leave his W almost 2 years later, but he remained so enmeshed with her that it was hard to tell that anything had changed - but I digress. ) Point is, I knew that I probably wouldn't end up with MM when I decided to D. And that was ok by me, because it was a totally separate decision. Just because you didn't get the R with MM doesn't mean you should stay in the M by default. And honestly, it sounds as though you've made the decision already, just haven't put your legs in motion. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Sorry, but what is WS/AP? WS = wayward spouse AP = affair partner Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Sorry, but what is WS/AP? Wayward Spouse Affair Partner Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Sorry, rightfully so since they (just like you and your H) have a history, a family together, and a life built together. Do you really think this is helpful? You don't know this man, nor his W, yet you now presume to say that it's "rightful" that he stay with his W. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I find this incredibly presumptuous and hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Do you really think this is helpful? You don't know this man, nor his W, yet you now presume to say that it's "rightful" that he stay with his W. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I find this incredibly presumptuous and hurtful. MistyK: It is an example of a "standard" type of line given to WS's, thus the reason I considered it noise in my post above. Somehow comments like that are viewed a "helpful" or as a "wakeup" by some folks. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I sat my husband down and had a long (three day long) conversation with him about our relationship, our problems, and even broached the subject of separation. We have decided to work on things. why? whats to work on? You don't love him, and was hoping some other MM picked you so you could leave your husband. Now you are going to work on things because a R with the MM is a no go? I think you should get separated and divorced anyway. Whats the point of staying married if the only reason is because the MM you were sleeping with is no longer going to be in the picture? Talk about your husband being a back burner 2nd fiddle. Does this mean I was smart and broke it off with my MM? No, not yet. I told him that since he will be in town until January, I want to continue our relationship until then. Here is the main reaons why you need to get a divorce. You aint working on crap with regards to the marriage if you still want to see MM. Set your husband free from you. I am too proud to allow him to hurt me in the future and what about your pride with regards to what you are doing to your husband? I am an awesome, well-educated career woman who should be anyone's first pick yet ok, now I see the problem. narcissism. he is choosing his old, fat, uneducated housewife over me and putting down someone who is being betrayed. real nice lady. Where do you people come from. this hurts my pride to the core. To me there should be no choice, it is obvious. wow, talk about vanity. I can see someone being confident in themselves....but to tear down the betrayed wife like you did?? THAT is pathetic. Sorry, there isn't anything "awesome" about someone that has that kind of ugly attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 I should add that my H absolutely refuses to go to couple's couseling. Not a snowballs chance in Houston. I can go fix my problems, but he says that he is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Do you really think this is helpful? You don't know this man, nor his W, yet you now presume to say that it's "rightful" that he stay with his W. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I find this incredibly presumptuous and hurtful. if GW's husband knows she is screwing another man behind his back....ask HIM about "hurtful" Link to post Share on other sites
Author girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Wow. Excuse me for having feelings and confidence in myself. Must be nice to be so perfect up there on Mt. Olympus. Of course, I bet you do get lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 if GW's husband knows she is screwing another man behind his back....ask HIM about "hurtful" If he is so hurt let him post and you can give him all the advice in the world. Other than that give the OP some advice on the issue she posted on or just not post. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I should add that my H absolutely refuses to go to couple's couseling. why should he? you want to be with the OM...there isn't anything counseling is going to do. Unless all of a sudden you develop this new found love and attraction for your husband....and with your attitude and heightened sense of self, I doubt that you would. Not a snowballs chance in Houston. I can go fix my problems, but he says that he is fine. and what problems are there that YOU are fixing? you want this other man, you want to be with him, you want to still be with him. doesn't sound like fixing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Wow. Excuse me for having feelings and confidence in myself. alot of us have confidence in ourselves. your attitude takes it to a rather ridiculous plateau. nothing wrong with confidence. you are exhibiting more than that....AND tearing down the guy's wife at the same time. Must be nice to be so perfect up there on Mt. Olympus. Of course, I bet you do get lonely. Nope, got someone I'm very close to right now. She isn't a narcissist either. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Dexter go bother someone else, take your issues out on someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 if GW's husband knows she is screwing another man behind his back....ask HIM about "hurtful" He is not here, GW is. This kind of teardown, while to be totally expected from bitter betrayed spouses just isn't helpful. Whatever good parts of your message there are get lost because of the venom in your posts. I know you got screwed Dex, no doubt, but it wasn't this woman, so let's keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 If he is so hurt let him post and you can give him all the advice in the world. i wish I could...i really do Other than that give the OP some advice on the issue she posted on or just not post. I did.....divorce her husband. What reason is there to keep him on a string since she wants to be with the other man and wishes he would take her "with him"? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 GW - Im sorry you are hurting. But you are being VERY SMART. Its your self preservation (what you call your pride) that will save you. Now that he has made his choice DONT give him any further opportunity to hurt you. Post your heart out, figure out if you want to stay in your marriage (it doesnt sound like you do if you want him to pick you.... but that is for another day) just DONT give him the opportunity to make you feel worse. And it will feel worse. Now that you know he is going with her, a chapter is closing. You dont need to twist the knife, just pull it out. Its painful but not as painful as counting the days with him until January feeling badly because he isnt moving with you. Take good care Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I should add that my H absolutely refuses to go to couple's couseling. Not a snowballs chance in Houston. I can go fix my problems, but he says that he is fine. I'm trying to understand you. You said that you two (you and your husband) have "decided to work on things." Do you, youself, truly intend to work on things with your husband? Is that an honest statement that you really believe? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 He is not here, GW is. This kind of teardown, while to be totally expected from bitter betrayed spouses just isn't helpful. in case you didn't notice....GW was the one doing the "tearing down" of the OM's wife. totally to be expected I guess....eh? yet he is choosing his old, fat, uneducated housewife over me :confused: must be nice to be sooooo much better than the MM's b!tch of a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I did.....divorce her husband. What reason is there to keep him on a string since she wants to be with the other man and wishes he would take her "with him"? You know what Dexter this would've been a short to the point opinion. Which would actually get some attention. But the way you post you make it personal and NO WS listens to your comments, so why post to a WS? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 in case you didn't notice....GW was the one doing the "tearing down" of the OM's wife. totally to be expected I guess....eh? yet he is choosing his old, fat, uneducated housewife over me Dex, I noticed you launching into a tirade about how she has no conscience. It is a natural tendency for OW to feel competitive with the W and when you lose it's hard to come up with any other explanation than you weren't worth it. That's a tough pill to swallow. MM is constantly choosing another woman (his W) over you..... It makes you feel worthless and if she needs to feel like she's prettier than the W (a thought which she will no doubt keep to herself and not yell at the W, what's the harm?). Besides, you have to remember, that MM undoubtedly engendered this image of his W to OW. They always tear their W down for the OW to make the OW feel special and justify the A. There is plenty of time for guilt, but right now she's hurting and all your stone throwing resolves nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 It is so hard to think about a future without my H. However, I know that I need to do this, for his sake as well as mine and our son. The biggest problem in our M is his need to control me. This is why I strayed, it was one thing he could not control. This is nuts, I know, but I am human. I am trying, really trying, to break his control and I think that with MM, it would be easier. I would have a reason. As for working on it, for the first time in our marriage I was truthful with him about my problems and he seems to be trying. I know that it's unfair to think I am going to work on my M as long as MM is still around. That's why I joined this site, to be able to tell someone how I feel since no one here can know. I would be lying if I didn't reiterate that I love MM and would bail immediately if he asked. But I will break it off and implement a NC rule. I can do that. Of course, I have ill feelings towards MM's wife. I'm jealous. He picked her and broke my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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