I am pathetic

[pkn06002]

I did. I told her she can divorce her husband. That way when she is divorced, she will no longer be in an affair.

 

Not in a way that a WS would respond too.

 

sound advice to this OP?? your kidding right? we are talking about someone that will go on holding her husband hostage in the marriage....yet all the while knowing she'll leave at the drop of a hat if the OM says "lets go".

 

she is looking for advice, the way I see it, on how to carry on a facade to stay married for the wrong reasons. cuz she certainly doesn't want to be married to H because she loves him or because she wants him.

 

its all about the most comfortable situation.

 

What you just posted ^ is sound advice and done in a manor that is not trash-talk or coming over as you being a crazy bitter BS.

 

As scary as this sounds I agree with both of your points.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't like to see people kicked when they are down.

 

GLAD TO HEAR IT!!!

 

Now that we know this about you, even though the BW doesn't hear these things from the OP, I will expect that you will be chastising her or coming to the BW's defense in some way.....right? Because after all...the BW is the one that is really down here, whether she knows it or not...and OP felt it necessary to kick her.

[GreenEyedLady]

GLAD TO HEAR IT!!!

 

Now that we know this about you, even though the BW doesn't hear these things from the OP, I will expect that you will be chastising her or coming to the BW's defense in some way.....right? Because after all...the BW is the one that is really down here, whether she knows it or not...and OP felt it necessary to kick her.

 

I'm wondering about your comprehension here...

 

This is the OW forum. As I have plainly posted and practiced, I don't go to the Infidelity forum and harass or taunt anyone. I am in this forum to help OW, not the BS.

 

What does it matter anyway? You are plainly here to argue and you often aren't very nice about it. I think you just like to see your thoughts in print.

 

GEL

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm wondering about your comprehension here...

 

 

Im wondering about yours. you said you will defend those that are kicked when down....I guess that doesn't apply when the OW is doing the kicking.

 

 

This is the OW forum. As I have plainly posted and practiced, I don't go to the Infidelity forum and harass or taunt anyone. I am in this forum to help OW, not the BS.

 

understood....so as a cheater/xOW....you don't find it despicable what she said about the BW? You don't see the narcissism in her posts?

[GreenEyedLady]

Im wondering about yours. you said you will defend those that are kicked when down....I guess that doesn't apply when the OW is doing the kicking.

 

understood....so as a cheater/xOW....you don't find it despicable what she said about the BW? You don't see the narcissism in her posts?

 

I was NEVER a cheater.

 

I am not surprised to hear that here. Perhaps you should read the information about this forum. Just like when I go to Infidelity I am not surprised to hear the OW called names. Her anger is just misdirected.

 

I am not a clinical psychologist and therefore not trained to diagnose NPD. Are you?

 

I see someone who needs help. I see someone who needs to process her thoughts and get in control of her actions. I see someone who can change her reality if she is given strategies and extended a little bit of empathy and patience.

 

If some people are so disgusted with her actions/words they should stay off the thread and allow people who are more qualified to help guide her.

 

GEL

[pkn06002]

You don't see the narcissism in her posts?

 

You and Reggie do like to use the word "narcissism" don't you?

 

I look and see someone that is in pain and is trying to figure out a way to make themselves feel better. So I take it as letting off steam. The best approach to feeling better no, but also something not worth focusing on in the OP posts.

[fooled once]

I don't go over to infidelity and taunt the BS's...Hmm, but they sure come over here and taunt the OW don't they? And posts only are moderated when someone alerts. If no one alerts, there is no moderation.

 

And apparently someone needs to tell people what is an acceptable post because judging by some posts, THEY NEED TO HEAR WHAT THEY ARE WRITING IS UNACCEPTABLE.

 

There is no reason for anyone to come around here and degrade and demean a new poster, for God's sakes, A NEW POSTER. And this is the OW forum and it should be expected that an OW will make remarks about the W in her case.

 

S*** wasn't there just a thread about trading down?! WTH! You can't have it both ways. The BS is not a protected entity in this forum. This is the OW/OM forum, it's not infidelity.

 

You can be supportive without tearing down. Let me tell you, THAT will not help.

 

I don't even think the people with the rude posts even really care or want to help. My bet is they just want to know how far they can go and hurt someone in the process, because they're justified, you know. They were cheated on. That's their free pass, right?

 

NOT!

 

I don't understand why if people can't be cordial and helpful (which is a LS guideline) why do they have to post period? These are real people at the keyboard who are hurting. And trying to find their way. Slamming the door on them won't help them. It's not like she's posting like this in infidelity. Then I would understand.

 

This forum should be for helping not hurting!!!

 

Some people do help but the majority on this thread were just downright rude.

 

It's ironic that those of you who trumpet the golden rule don't practice it.

 

GEL

 

???

 

I didn't post on the Traded up/down thread because I thought it was ridiculous and didn't deserve attention.

 

This thread, like so many others, has turned into a fight amongst posters.

 

I didn't say anything in my post that was so horrible, so I don't get why you are now lecturing me.

 

I am so tired of this whole crap of 'don't come in here' - it is an OPEN forum. I don't visit the infidelity forum because I don't have that issue in my life. I am a FORMER OW and come in here and try to help others ~ maybe not in the way you do, but that doesn't make MY way wrong.

 

RE: the bolded part - I totally agree - there are many who don't follow it. I don't think a single person here practices it ALL the time. But before many of you start crying foul, maybe you should take a look at your words before posting.

 

sheesh.....

[fooled once]

It isn't about volition or guilt or responsibility - my point is someone is hurting, and we needn't kick them when they're down regardless of how they got there.

 

Being a OW isn't fun. It's incredibly painful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Arguably the only thing that's close to being in the same arena is being a BS, (but let me not open the floodgates for everyone to say how much worse it is to be a BS and the OW chooses her position - blah blah.) Bottom line is it isn't glamourous, and it isn't fun, and I never said it was.

 

I haven't seen GEL in pit-bull mode, but I have seen her try to defend OW that are getting vicious attacks from BS's. And unfortunately, this forum seems to need that defense sometimes....

 

Then why do you keep doing it?

 

This is what *I* personally DON'T understand.

 

It isn't like an addition to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs.

 

WHY continue to hurt day after day when the writing is on the wall?

 

WHY would anyone do it?

 

Do you recommend it to others? Do you encourage them to "hang in there"? I don't think you do.

 

Some people are very harsh.

 

Some people are very gentle.

 

Some people are in between (that is where I see myself).

 

But I won't stand/sit by and watch anyone start calling names to someone - especially ugly and fat.

 

One is in the eye of the beholder and it is the way someone was born; and the other could be because of many things. This poster was cruel and mean to say that.

 

And no GEL, I don't condone anyone calling a mistress a whore. That is wrong.

 

I hate seeing women turn themselves inside out for men that are using them. I hate seeing women hurt over these men who do nothing but lie to them. I hate seeing these women controlled by emotions they seem to think they can't get over. And the children who get caught in the middle of all this crap -- that is what gets me the worst.

 

Anyway -- *sigh* I just wish it all would stop. The 'you can't come in my forum', the horrible names that are called to people, the posters who state it is the BS's fault their spouse was a cheater, etc. Those types of posts don't help either.

[GreenEyedLady]

And no GEL, I don't condone anyone calling a mistress a whore. That is wrong.

 

That happened on a thread here within the past week. I'll see if it's been deleted, but it did happen and recently. It has been deleted, I checked. Along with a bunch of other offensive posts on the thread.

 

And you're entitled to your opinion.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

That happened on a thread here within the past week. I'll see if it's been deleted, but it did happen and recently. It has been deleted, I checked. Along with a bunch of other offensive posts on the thread.

 

And you're entitled to your opinion.

 

GEL

 

But *I* didn't call anyone a wh*re so why are you lecturing me?? I was a OW. I wouldn't liked to be called that.

 

And I guarantee you not ONE of those offensive posts were mine.

[GreenEyedLady]

But *I* didn't call anyone a wh*re so why are you lecturing me?? I was a OW. I wouldn't liked to be called that.

 

And I guarantee you not ONE of those offensive posts were mine.

 

Did I say you personally called someone a whore or that any of the offensive posts were yours? No. But that happens all the time here and it shouldn't, thus why I posted what I did.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

And I am not disagreeing with you.

 

Just find it odd you kept saying that after quoting me. Making the implication that *I* did it.

[GreenEyedLady]

And I am not disagreeing with you.

 

Just find it odd you kept saying that after quoting me. Making the implication that *I* did it.

 

I didn't mean to imply that at all.

 

It was just like "evidence" to support my argument.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

Anyway -- *sigh* I just wish it all would stop. The 'you can't come in my forum', the horrible names that are called to people, the posters who state it is the BS's fault their spouse was a cheater, etc. Those types of posts don't help either.

 

I think those are the enabling posts. And no, they do not help at all, either. They only signal to the OPs that they can pile on like many of those who are bashing the OP do as well. And then it becomes a big fight with two groups fighting the other. Makes for fascinating reading, but not very helpful to anyone - unless they are interested in learning the latest internet put downs.

 

This is an open forum. Anyone on LS can post here. Its is NOT a protected forum. It just has a theme and a topic of discussion like ALL of the other forums here.

 

It would be nice to not be shown the door just because you haven't recently been involved in an affair as the willing AP. I know, I know. It'll never happen as long as we let a few rotten apples spoil the whole bunch.

[AlektraClementine]

I have some perspective to offer. I'm neither a BS, WS, or an OW.

 

I have come close though to cheating. Yes, Dexter is a meanie. He says things that hurt and that hit home. But I'm usually pretty hard-pressed to find him wrong.

 

It is my opinion that some cheaters want help and some cheaters just want validation. I think you'll find that those who want validation are the ones who can't take what Dexter and posters like him, say. Posters who want real help...can find it in honest posters like him.

 

I posted a thread a while back when I was on the verge of cheating. I posted because I really did want help and an intervention of sorts. It was Dexter's balls to the wall honesty (and a few others) that directly contributed to my gaining a better understanding of what I was about to do.

 

I understand that you OW and OM treat this forum as a safe haven and I wouldn't dream of bashing any of you. I lurk from time to time though. But let me suggest that it is the right of any member to post when and where they wish. Dexter's black and white view on cheating should NOT go over-looked. It's quite valuable. I know I'm happy I listened to him.

 

Just my opinion whatever it's worth to you.

[Match Factor]

Don't be so hard on yourself. He will not leave his wife because change is hard for any human being... especially for a man. People stay in dead end relationships for decades because it is what they know.

 

You are stronger than he is because you were actually willing to leave... right?

 

My only advice is do whatever it takes to get you through this. If that means seeing him all the way up until he leaves then do it. If it means not communicating with him at all, then do that.

 

You know you deserve better. You have to be willing to change and take the risk of being alone for a while. Find your strength.

[Mr. Lucky]

I see someone who needs help. I see someone who needs to process her thoughts and get in control of her actions. I see someone who can change her reality if she is given strategies and extended a little bit of empathy and patience.

But you understand that she's not posting her thoughts about adding a room addition to her house. Or how to get her roses to bloom in acidic soil. She's talking about sleeping with someone else's spouse. And in many cases, that someone else is completely in the dark about what's going on.

 

Much of the advice that OW's and former OW's post here consists of strategies for success in continuing the affair and empathy for the OW and MM's situation. The scorn heaped by the OP on her MM's "fat" BS just seems a natural byproduct of that process.

 

Why don't more OW's that post here stand up for the BS and the unfair treatment an A dishes out to them? Where's your outrage over their situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Can'tGiveUp]

But you understand that she's not posting her thoughts about adding a room addition to her house. Or how to get her roses to bloom in acidic soil. She's talking about sleeping with someone else's spouse. And in many cases, that someone else is completely in the dark about what's going on.

 

Much of the advice that OW's and former OW's post here consists of strategies for success in continuing the affair and empathy for the OW and MM's situation. The scorn heaped by the OP on her MM's "fat" BS just seems a natural byproduct of that process.

 

Why don't more OW's that post here stand up for the BS and the unfair treatment an A dishes out to them? Where's your outrage over their situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually it seems like the natural byproduct of a woman who was dumped. She's hurt and lashing out. She's just hit the wrong target.

 

And if she has truly left, there will be no opportunity to help her identify the correct target.

[Trimmer]

Would it have been too hard for people to point out that there's no reason for the OP to be pissed at the W? To help her see that her anger is just biting her in the butt?

 

Of course, I have ill feelings towards MM's wife. I'm jealous. He picked her and broke my heart.

Then your ill feelings should be directed towards him.

Asked and answered.

 

 

Cheating to me is an escape like any hobby.

I just love that line.

[MistyK]

 

Much of the advice that OW's and former OW's post here consists of strategies for success in continuing the affair and empathy for the OW and MM's situation.

 

Why don't more OW's that post here stand up for the BS and the unfair treatment an A dishes out to them? Where's your outrage over their situation?

 

I see nothing wrong with having empathy for a situation in which people are hurting. But I don't think THIS space needs to be turned into a BS pity party, that's not what it's for.Obviously they exist, and MOST of us feel awful about how they're hurt by our A's, but making them the focus of THIS space doesn't make any sense. That's why the "other" forum exists.

 

Please show me where these "how to continue an A" strategies are. I have not seen anyone advocating continuing an A anywhere on here, but maybe I'm not looking in the right places. As OW, we've all been through it and we all know how much it sucks, so I don't see anyone advocating or giving out tips on how to get away with it (although there have been posters who were looking for tips).

[jj33]

Actually (and we are all engaged in a total t/j) if someone wants validation this WOULD be the place to come.

 

If someone wants strategies this would seem to be the place to post looking for it. After all the title of the forum is "support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" its not help on getting out of an affair.

 

So if someone wants validation or support regarding their choice to remain in an affair, this would be an appropriate forum to seek that advice.

 

They are sure to get people telling them to get out of the affair but that "advice" would not be responsive to the poster's question.

[bentnotbroken]

I see nothing wrong with having empathy for a situation in which people are hurting. But I don't think THIS space needs to be turned into a BS pity party, that's not what it's for.Obviously they exist, and MOST of us feel awful about how they're hurt by our A's, but making them the focus of THIS space doesn't make any sense. That's why the "other" forum exists.

 

Please show me where these "how to continue an A" strategies are. I have not seen anyone advocating continuing an A anywhere on here, but maybe I'm not looking in the right places. As OW, we've all been through it and we all know how much it sucks, so I don't see anyone advocating or giving out tips on how to get away with it (although there have been posters who were looking for tips).

 

 

I have been here a little longer and there have been tips given. Example: "just walk away and stick to your guns, let him know you are serious and you won't except less. If he is sincere he will do anything to be with you."

 

And just for the record, there was a post in infidelity about driving by ow's house. That poster caught hell from several ow, and I might be mistaken, but you were one of them. My point for saying this is, most of us don't do the "right" thing, the "right" way to suit everyone. I have been told that my bluntness was appreciated by more than one AP. It worked for them. If I only get one person to think with my approach, then I feel like it was worth it.

[MistyK]

I have been here a little longer and there have been tips given. Example: "just walk away and stick to your guns, let him know you are serious and you won't except less. If he is sincere he will do anything to be with you."

 

And just for the record, there was a post in infidelity about driving by ow's house. That poster caught hell from several ow, and I might be mistaken, but you were one of them. My point for saying this is, most of us don't do the "right" thing, the "right" way to suit everyone. I have been told that my bluntness was appreciated by more than one AP. It worked for them. If I only get one person to think with my approach, then I feel like it was worth it.

 

 

Saying "walk away" by definition isn't a tip to continue an A!! That's how to end the A - either he leaves because he misses ow or he doesn't, either way, A has ended. Giving tips on how to hide cell records, etc - that would be a tip to contiue an A, and I just haven't seen that here.

 

No way. A lot of BS's put words in my mouth, but read my posts. I said I thought the OW overreacted, but that the BS probably shoudn't have done that. NC has to be maintained on both ends. People then tried to accuse me of saying I thought the Op was stalking. But I NEVER said that. Read my posts.

[bentnotbroken]

Saying "walk away" by definition isn't a tip to continue an A!! That's how to end the A - either he leaves because he misses ow or he doesn't, either way, A has ended. Giving tips on how to hide cell records, etc - that would be a tip to contiue an A, and I just haven't seen that here.

 

No way. A lot of BS's put words in my mouth, but read my posts. I said I thought the OW overreacted, but that the BS probably shoudn't have done that. NC has to be maintained on both ends. People then tried to accuse me of saying I thought the Op was stalking. But I NEVER said that. Read my posts.

 

 

I know that you didn't say she was stalking. I know which poster said that. The point is she didn't make contact, the ow did by calling bs wife's H. Like I said, encouragement has happened for years in maintaining A. Some of the long timers have seen it too.

[jj33]

Bent with all due respect how is that encouraging (saying walk away if hes sincere he will do anything to be with you) the person is being told to walk away.

 

The OW cant turn back time. They are in it. If they walk away and the MM does leave then its up to them if they want to be with them. And realistically if someone is in love with someone else and they separate or divorce, they may want to pursue a relationship.

 

I think that is a lot different than giving tips. Ideally Im sure youd like the advice to be walk away and forget you ever met him but that is not something that happens overnight.