Should I break up with him because of my parents?

[alynne24]

Hello everyone....I'm new to this forum.

But I need Help!

 

Here's the story: I'm 28 years old. About 10 months ago, I met a wonderful man. His character is everything I've been looking for...Loves God, loves me, very sweet, respectful, stable etc. just to name a few. However, he does have a past. In his past he made mistakes like, had children out of wedlock and cheated on his wife. He is a very very popular person in the small city we live in and so seems like everybody is aware of the mistakes he has made. He has made a 180 degree turn around, has been to counseling and has really committed his life to God at this point. Me being 28 yrs old....I have not made the same mistakes, have no children and have a pretty clean background. I have spent the last 10 months evaluating his character, observing and watching his behavior. I feel as though he may have some scars from the past (made lots of mistakes) but he genuinely has a good heart and in the last 7-9 years has been living right and really trusting God in his life. It's hard for me to think that I will not be his first wife, Or first baby mamma (lol) but I really do love him. And God knows he loves me too. I am still evaluating everything but we have such a great relationship (love, communication, fun, things in common) that it makes me really want to be with him. Also knowing that he really has changed for the better and learned from his mistakes. He wants to move towards marriage.

 

But I can't because of my parents. They HATE him. My family is very controlling and they tell me because of his past, they cannot accept him into our family. I live at home currently which is probably why they are having such a hard time. He is doing many great things for the community now and many people come to me and say great things about him. But there are those who cannot forget the past and some people in the community have come to my parents telling them the worst of his past and even some lies about him. So i suppose they have reason to hate him. They are trying everything to break us up and have threatned to actually hurt him. My mother went to his ex wife and she told my mother some more bad things....and lies. She cleary believes the exwife. So things have gotten so bad, my mother tells me I have to either choose him or them. If I marry him, she wants nothing to do with me. She says that if I loved my parents, I would not shame and embarrass them like this. She says she has cried herself to sleep everynight over this situation. She says she is depressed and it is my fault. She even told me she regrets the day I was born.

 

I feel as though I am an adult and if I decide his past is too much, that should be my decision not theirs. I guess my question is.....should I break up with him because it is causing my family so much heartache?

[shunter]

He does not exactly sound like a "catch". Definitely do not get married any time soon!

 

Mom knows best sweetie and I think she is right. Yes, you might be able to have a good life with this guy, but probably you are too good for him.

 

If he is extremely good looking and has a great income then probably mom could approve. But he is probably average or below average employment, education, looks, and he has cheated and has some baggage. He will cheat on you too most likely (but hopefully he will improve his skillset and you will never find out)

 

So what are the good qualities? he loves you and cares for you? good heart? so what!! so you didnt fall in love with an a-hole, congrats!

 

So here is what you are going to do

1. realize this guy is not good enough for you. mom is never wrong.

2. not get married

3. still date him while you figure out where you are going to go with this

 

If you marry him you could have a good relationship together, but i think there is more to life than just love. sorry to all the helpless romantics

[Mrs_AJ]

Sorry hun but I agree with shunter.

 

If my parents disagreed to that extent I'd be reluctant to start of my new life with a hubby during a warfare. But that's me...

 

Sometimes love makes one blind. So ok, he may be a great guy now and so on... But in my experience having a family disapproving so strongly of your marriage is a bad thing and a lot of drama. Having the whole community talking about you is an added stress.

 

But if you think this man is the one of your dreams and hopes and everything then you know what to do.

 

Wish you the best!

[stace79]

Well I totally disagree here... you should make this decision for yourself. Your mother is being a big whiny baby and sounds more like a child than you do! As my parents and sister have learned, the best results are yielded from treating me as an adult, giving me their honest opinions in a constructive form, and then leaving me to make a decision.

 

Besides, your mother and father are not going to be around for the rest of your life (most likely anyway). Your husband will become a great part of your life, especially if/when your parents pass away.

 

I would definitely take more time to determine your best course of action, but you need to get a grip on your parents. You're 28 years old for God's sake. First off -- get out of their house if possible. You need to be on your own. Clearly they feel they have the right to push you around and make decisions for you even though you are an adult.

 

If you break up with him and you truly love him, YOU will be the one suffering, not your parents.

[Thornton]

It depends whether you think he has genuinely changed or not. If you think he has, then both of you need to approach your parents and straighten this mess out before you even consider getting married - you don't want to enter married life with this drama between him and your parents hanging over you. If you can see that this guy is good and has changed, then your parents should be able to see it too - unless you're being lied to and they can see what's really going on. Christians are supposed to forgive, no? If he has truly changed then your parents should forgive him for his past misdemeanours - unless they don't really believe he's changed?

 

From what you said, he doesn't exactly sound like a great catch (a history of infidelity and children born out of wedlock, and goodness knows what else). Your parents must have a reason for disliking him, and you really need to listen to their opinions and resolve it between you - either they need to learn to see what you see in him and accept that he's a good person, or you need to accept that they're correct about his negative aspects. Both of you can't be right - he's either a good guy or he isn't!

[Els]

No you should NOT break up with anyone just because it's making your parents unhappy. It's really sad when it comes to that, but it really is your life. Others can only advise you -- but when it comes to the crunch it will be YOU bearing the consequence of your decisions and not THEM. That's why it will be YOUR decisions.

 

If you break up with him because of your parents and regret it, it will only cause you to resent your parents and further mess up the bond with them.

 

With that said, I really don't think 10 months is an appropriate time to be getting married anytime soon. Regardless of how you both feel towards each other, it never really hurts to wait a year or two more to be SURE (because marriage ain't a small thing, especially for religious people) and see how things are when the rose-tinted glasses of the honeymoon months are lifted.

[GrayClouds]

I feel as though I am an adult

 

your mother does sound controlling and manipulative but your 28 years old and living at home (have your lived on your own? beyond college). i bet as much as anything this guy is a way to rebel against your mom or see him as a way to get out of your family's grasp. though after the honeymoon part of the marriage is over your going to miss you family, it will hurt a great deal and really put a stress on the success of the marriage 9even if it is a messed up family)

 

 

-what is his relationship with his child? how much time does he spend,does he keep up with support?

-what is his relationship with his ex? does he put her down, doe she treat her with respect?

-if he made these mistakes how does he explain them- (and saying something about God will not be enough) what issues pushed him to do this things? how has her resoled these issues (Beyond praying)

-do you feel the power in the relationship is equal - often a girl with a controlling family will pick a controlling man as a substitute.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Well, considering you've known him a very short time, you can hardly judge his character. If everyone else who's known him longer has nothing but bad to say about him...maybe you should take off your rose glasses and see that there might be more to your new man.

 

For whatever reason, it always seems to happen that moms really do know best in these situations. It sounds like your family is controlling because you're 28 and you still live at home.

 

Why are you thinking of marriage so soon? Did he bring it up?

[LeXmaRk]

Moms are not always right. You know him better than your mother.

 

10 months isnt very long to be even thinking about marriage in my opinion, and past does seem to dictate peoples futures.

 

Use your own judgement. And to possibly help acceptance of family, well im not much for religion but I belive forgiveness is somewhere in there.

[RA1]

I guess my question is.....should I break up with him because it is causing my family so much heartache?

If you are even considering the option of breaking up with him because of your family's opinion, then you are not sure of your love for him or his for you.

 

Also, 10 months of dating is way too little time to know each other. So you are quite right to feel unsure.

 

Why is he in such a rush to get married? Why are you?

 

Either break up with him now or keep your options open by dating him for a further time till you really know him. It takes time to throw up enough situations to reveal a person's true character. What situations have arisen up to now to test him or his relationship with you? Have you addressed the four very wise questions in GrayCloud's post?

 

Just make sure you don't become another of his baby mamas in the meantime!

[pisces6]

i don't think you have to choose. try convincing your parents that he's different by inviting him over and spend lots more time with him before marriage like a a few years or even longer until your parents approve. if you invite him over regularly to your house your parents may start getting used to him and just maybe liking him and eventually hopefully approving of the marriage. but this requires so much patience. good luck! remember you don't have to choose. hope this helps.

[lkjh]

You barely know this guy and considering his past you shouldn't be so quick to jump into marriage. Also, someone with that type of past is going to be pretty good at manipulation. Judge a persons actions not there words. How many kids does he have and how does he treat them? How does he get along with their mothers and why did they split? What does he do for a living? How many close long term friends does he have and what kind of people are they?

 

Look usually when someone is very popular and they have a messed up past, it is safe to say that they are not trustworthy.

 

This could be different but I am just following the general rule.

 

 

On a side note, I disagree with people that say your parents should not have a say in who you marry. They are looking out for your best interest. In the west we take things like marriage and family lightly and that is why we are divorcing and splinting up at such high rates. There is a reason why the father gives the bride away. Your parents may be controlling but they brought you into this world and it is safe to say that they want the best for you.

[thelostsoul89]

It really makes me wonder why in the hell would a 28 year old woman still be living with her parents and act like he/she has to do what they say. It doesnt matter how someones past is, people change your mother (+ whoever else) doesnt want you to get married need to get but out of your personal life.

 

And before you get married and make big "adult" deciosons maybe you should move out of your parents house first... maybe then they wouldnt be in your business so much