should I break up with him because of my parents?

[alynne24]

Hello everyone....I'm new to this forum.

But I need Help!

 

Here's the story: I'm 28 years old. About 10 months ago, I met a wonderful man. His character is everything I've been looking for...Loves God, loves me, very sweet, respectful, stable etc. just to name a few. However, he does have a past. In his past he made mistakes like, had children out of wedlock and cheated on his wife. He is a very very popular person in the small city we live in and so seems like everybody is aware of the mistakes he has made. He has made a 180 degree turn around, has been to counseling and has really committed his life to God at this point. Me being 28 yrs old....I have not made the same mistakes, have no children and have a pretty clean background. I have spent the last 10 months evaluating his character, observing and watching his behavior. I feel as though he may have some scars from the past (made lots of mistakes) but he genuinely has a good heart and in the last 7-9 years has been living right and really trusting God in his life. It's hard for me to think that I will not be his first wife, Or first baby mamma (lol) but I really do love him. And God knows he loves me too. I am still evaluating everything but we have such a great relationship (love, communication, fun, things in common) that it makes me really want to be with him. Also knowing that he really has changed for the better and learned from his mistakes. He wants to move towards marriage.

 

But I can't because of my parents. They HATE him. My family is very controlling and they tell me because of his past, they cannot accept him into our family. I live at home currently which is probably why they are having such a hard time. He is doing many great things for the community now and many people come to me and say great things about him. But there are those who cannot forget the past and some people in the community have come to my parents telling them the worst of his past and even some lies about him. So i suppose they have reason to hate him. They are trying everything to break us up and have threatned to actually hurt him. My mother went to his ex wife and she told my mother some more bad things....and lies. She cleary believes the exwife. So things have gotten so bad, my mother tells me I have to either choose him or them. If I marry him, she wants nothing to do with me. She says that if I loved my parents, I would not shame and embarrass them like this. She says she has cried herself to sleep everynight over this situation. She says she is depressed and it is my fault. She even told me she regrets the day I was born.

 

I feel as though I am an adult and if I decide his past is too much, that should be my decision not theirs. I guess my question is.....should I break up with him because it is causing my family so much heartache?

[Scottdmw]

If your parents force you to choose, I would say choose the guy. Anyone who forces you to choose is giving you extremely conditional love, and that love is not worth very much.

 

Quite likely, if you go ahead and choose the guy your parents will eventually accept it anyway. Tell them that you appreciate their concern, but it's your life and you have to make your own decision on this one. Tell them that you still love them and welcome them in your life, but that is not their place to run your life.

 

Scott

[akazid]

I'll contradict what the other person has to say.

 

Parents usually look out for their kids and have their best interest in mind. Yes, they may accept you later and be extremely helpful - they are family, but will this other person be as dedicated and helpful as your family will be when you have to make a choice between giving them attention and your child?

 

On a side note ... this was previously already posted, was it not? Deja vu for me ...

[yic]

Your parents have your well-being in mind. That being said, although you can take into consideration everything your parents have said, ultimately it is your decision. You need to put more trust in your decisions, because you know yourself better than anyone else, and you know him better than your parents do.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to give up someone who could possibly be the love of your life just because they don't approve. My brother was in a similar spot, was close to be disowned, but my parents eventually came around (very slowly). This may not apply to you, but just make sure you're honest with your parents on your decision, lying is a sign of disrespect and will worsen the situation.

[broken umbrella]

If you want to be independent and make your own decisions then you need to move out of your parents house. I am sure that they have your best interests at heart, and you should definatley take their concerns into consideration. However, if you want to move forward with this relationship then you need to move out and break away from their control.

 

You did not mention his age, is he significantly older than you?