Being sweet because he feels guilty?

[LoveLace]

Why hello...it's been awhile. And yes for all who are familiar, this is about my friend C.

 

We remain the best of friends, routinely texting and hanging out consistently for 3 months now. We don't go a single day without contact, without talking about what's going on in our lives. It's also been around 3 months since he and his Ex broke up...eventually as she seemed to fade out of his mind, I decided to try and get some hints as to what he feels about me. So I brought up sex once...sex involving he and I, that I had thought about it. Our small chat was basically that he finds me attractive but we talked about the friendship factor and "awkwardness"..course this is all just about sex, as opposed to actually dating. He even said that he talked about me with a date he went on once...okay anyway, I agreed our friendship is something too valuable to mess with.

 

That same week started vacation for both of us (not planned) so we ended up hanging out at his house everyday that week, eating, watching movies and going out at night. And spending all this time together - mostly HIS idea. It just appeared that we were growing even closer and I felt like our chat didn't change a thing. Things were just feeling more "couple-ish" than ever. Fast forward a couple weeks, and I said I wish we could date sometimes. His response was that it would be like dating his sister (OUCH) and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then he said he DOES wish he could have a relationship like the one he has with me, with SOMEONE. I felt insulted but hid it well. Then he went on an online date with a girl that he liked (and is still trying to see again) and he was asking me for advice because he was nervous and this and that. I just go along with it - whatever.

 

Last Monday he returned back in town from working all weekend. He's always very tired on that day, and he was tempted to join me for beer and watching baseball at a local tavern by my place...but he decided not to since he was so exhausted. We were texting crazy even as I was doing this...then suddenly I get a text that says "I have a surprise for you!"....because he decided to show up after all...he got out of his comfy bed and drove all the way from the other side of town, just to surprise me. Another day he offered me some of his free flying miles to go visit my dad that I miss. My friends repeat themselves...this guy isn't making any sense. Surprises are what boyfriends do, they say, he is just scared, or taking it slow.

 

A man I know of C's age heard all this info, and insisted to me that he's just afraid of falling in love with and losing me. That all the girl talk is just a cover-up. That I should just kiss him. But I said, no way can I bring myself to kiss someone who told me I"m like a "sister" - that's kind of a turn-off.

 

Yesterday, he called and wanted to hit the amusement park. I've been trying to get him there all summer, and suddenly he wants to go. I mentioned how expensive it is and he said, "But you are worth it"....7 hours of riding coasters and hitting the water park...he didn't mention a girl's name once...not the ex, not the date girl, I was amazed. He must have easily spent $100 on us that day...not unusual for him, really. We goofed off a lot while standing in long lines, and from outta nowhere he says, "See, you don't wanna date me, I'd get on your nerves"....and I quickly started talking about something else, basically ignored the comment. We said our goodbye with usual hug and peck, and he texted me later what a "GREAT" time he had.

 

Our last talk about dating was 2 weeks ago, and here he was bringing it up again. Something doesn't add up, for me, nor for anyone else who knows the story. For him to mention dating again, sure seems like he's thought more about it, but he's already told me how he feels so I've vowed to go by that and I"ve been just fine with it. Maybe he's amazed at just HOW okay I am with it, I don't know. I mean if he's truly afraid of losing me, I certainly share that feeling, so it's been no problem for me to just pick up where we leave off. Someone mentioned that perhaps all these nice things are out of guilt for not returning my feelings...but if you ask me, how could ya not know that it's only confusing a person even more? Lately, I've been texting him less, giving him less attention in general, with the exception of yesterday. I"m trying to be less attached, problem is he is attached to ME, regardless of being sister-like or whatever, he can't go a day without contacting me. 1) Trying to talk to him again seems like a lost cause by now and 2)The thought of taking the advice to just go in for a kiss, just doesn't feel like a good idea. So here's the thing...does he just not want to seem like a bad guy and make up for disappointing me?

[Kamille]

Here's a take on what's going on:

 

You are in all ways but romantic, his "rebound". He replaced the companionship his ex provided with yours.

 

So you do well to just move on and not get attached. He wants a friend and you seem to be a great friend.

 

And him bringing up dating? Sorry to Debbie Down, but it could also be read as "See? We're much better as friends." In other words: he meant exactly what he said "You DON'T want to date me".

 

All in all, it sounds like this man is still sorting himself out and you two are building a friendship.

[LoveLace]

Here's a take on what's going on:

 

You are in all ways but romantic, his "rebound". He replaced the companionship his ex provided with yours.

 

So you do well to just move on and not get attached. He wants a friend and you seem to be a great friend.

 

And him bringing up dating? Sorry to Debbie Down, but it could also be read as "See? We're much better as friends." In other words: he meant exactly what he said "You DON'T want to date me".

 

All in all, it sounds like this man is still sorting himself out and you two are building a friendship.

 

 

This bold area here, I thought of the same exact thing. It's just odd if he felt the need to say it 2 weeks after we talked and pretty much had it squared away, far as I've been concerned. We kept hanging out as normal after that but perhaps he felt the need to remind me even though it hasn't been mentioned for a while?

 

Far as the ex, hell me and him have already been hanging out regularly longer than he dated her for! If she provided him companionship, and it doesn't sound like she did a very good job of that anyway, it was only about 6 weeks of it. But for some reason, he had a hard time getting over her. She treated him like dog crap actually, which he openly admits. So I can't even begin to compare the type of companionship I provide to him vs. hers. Obviously, mine is better . Well, thank you.

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, LL - nothing has changed, hon.

 

You continue to pursue him, and he continues to tell you he's not interested.

 

Then you become content with being friends for about 10 minutes, agree you are better off as friends, and then you turn around and trump up in your mind that he DOES want you, and you start the process all over again of coming on to him, and him telling you no thanks.

 

I'm not sure how many more ways C can tell you he's not interested. I think the sister comment should be enough, but it's not. I've lost count of how many times you have come on to him, and he has told you he doesn't want to date you, and is happy being friends ONLY.

 

He brought up the dating thing at the park because he was probably getting the vibe from you that you were about to pounce again, so he put the brakes on it. He wasn't telling that YOU don't want to date him. It wasn't an invitation or a come on. It was him telling you again he doesn't want to date you. He was trying to reassert the friend zone thing.

 

I don't doubt that he's fully aware of your intense feelings for him. Besides bringing it up often enough, I'm sure it's obvious in your actions and demeanor around him. I don't think he's purposely taking advantage of it, rather I think he's really hoping you will get over it/him, so that the two of you can be friends without the icky pressure of you needing to raise the issue every few weeks about being a couple.

 

I've been him, LL. I had a really close and great guy friend for YEARS who was in love with me, and I never returned the feelings. So, every few months, he would bring up the notion of why we weren't a couple, and then I would have to make up some excuse so I didn't hurt his feelings with the truth, then it would be awkward, then I would self-deprecate to make myself seem less attractive in his eyes AND I would tell him all the time how I was not good enough to be his GF and we were better off as friends. All I wanted was for him to get a GF, so he would give up on the idea of us being a couple.

 

I said months and months ago that I wasn't sure you would be able to handle the just friends thing, as your feelings for him are so much deeper than what he feels for you. And this hasn't changed, sadly. I think all he wants is for you to knock off the fantasy of dating, and just be happy with friendship, as that's all he's prepared to offer.

 

Can you do that? Because if not, then just let it go.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ever saw the Ryan Reynolds' movie, " Just Friends"? Never mind the ending where the guy gets the girl because real life is much more complicated than a romantic comedy.

 

Hasn't C already said countless times he just want to be friends? Why do you continuously doubt him? I know his actions indicate differently, but I'm starting to see he's being a little selfish and it's clearly not fair to you. I understand you appreciate the friendship, but it's also good for you to distance yourself from him, at least until you can see him only as a friend, or when you get a bf.

[WTRanger]

Aren't you supposed to listen to someone's actions instead of their words? I must have heard that advice a billion times on LS, and here we are saying that she should listen his is words instead of his actions......

 

My advice is to just listen to what his guy friend said and just go for the kiss. Then you'll pretty much have your answer, hands down. Then from there on you can properly proceed in the right direction. If you just back down, your thoughts will drive you insane with the, "What if's?" so just do it. If you'd feel better, do it when you are drunk. Not wasted but tipsy enough to blame the alcohol if it doesn't go well.

[LoveLace]

JellyBean, your own experience makes all kinds of sense. I don't argue that C can't possibly be you. However, did you do things for this guy, like surprise him with stuff, take him out and spend all kinds of money on him, text him that you miss him while your out of town...if you did things like that, then no wonder he kept bringing it up. After telling me I"m like a "sister", is when C decides to start doing extra sweet things that he's never done before. And if you read my thread question, it's not asking "does this mean he wants me?"...it's asking, is he doing this out of guilt? And if not, then why? Also, MY actions since then, if anything have been the total opposite of pursuing him. As I said, I text him less already, but he ALWAYS ends up texting or calling himself. Going to the park was HIS idea, and I certainly didn't do anything there to make him think he should remind me that he doesn't want to date me. I didn't touch him, didn't flirt, just had fun and made small chat. I even talked about OTHER guys... Hardly indicates I'm about to "pounce" on anyone. Also, did you play with your guy friend's ass because C did while we were waiting in line, then he acted like it wasn't him or something. Again I"m not arguing that C can't be you...I'm just asking did you treat your guy friend that loved you the way C treats me?

 

Thank you Ranger for pointing out the actions vs. words. Usually around here the actions are more important, except for my case I guess. But the sure thing is, his actions and words do not match. And I guess if that's a problem for me, I should just tell him so....or just distant myself, as I've already subtely been doing but not cold turkey.

[Jilly Bean]

JellyBean, your own experience makes all kinds of sense. I don't argue that C can't possibly be you. However, did you do things for this guy, like surprise him with stuff, take him out and spend all kinds of money on him, text him that you miss him while your out of town...if you did things like that, then no wonder he kept bringing it up. After telling me I"m like a "sister", is when C decides to start doing extra sweet things that he's never done before. And if you read my thread question, it's not asking "does this mean he wants me?"...it's asking, is he doing this out of guilt? And if not, then why? Also, MY actions since then, if anything have been the total opposite of pursuing him. As I said, I text him less already, but he ALWAYS ends up texting or calling himself. Going to the park was HIS idea, and I certainly didn't do anything there to make him think he should remind me that he doesn't want to date me. I didn't touch him, didn't flirt, just had fun and made small chat. I even talked about OTHER guys... Hardly indicates I'm about to "pounce" on anyone. Also, did you play with your guy friend's ass because C did while we were waiting in line, then he acted like it wasn't him or something. Again I"m not arguing that C can't be you...I'm just asking did you treat your guy friend that loved you the way C treats me?

 

 

No, I didn't. But, my friend bought me things, took me places, would leave surprises at my door, would stay up with me all night on the beach and watch the sunrise... we were close friends for many, many years.

 

The difference between C and I, is that I truly cared about my friend, and therefore was extremely sensitive to his feelings, and would never do anything that could be construed as interest on my part. I knew he loved me, yet I wasn't going to have it on my conscience that I contributed to his fantasy and ultimately, would cause him pain for it.

 

I'm not saying that C doesn't take advantage of the knowledge that you want him, because he well may, and it sounds like he does at times. But, outside looking in, I still don't see how anything he does can be viewed as genuine interest, besides him effing with you a bit (because he knows you can), and honestly, if you didn't have feelings for him, all of it would go unnoticed.

 

Is he being nice to you out of guilt? No, I don't think so. I think he's being nice to you, as he always is, because he likes you as a friend, and enjoys you in his life. You are kind of like the stand-in GF until he finds someone to date. You provide him with adoration and an ego stroke, readily available companionship, yet you don't complicate his life with the trappings of emotions and a relationship.

 

See, the thing is, and I've been saying this from the get-go. I don't see how you can maintain a friendship with him, when you have romantic feelings for him. I mean, if you didn't, you wouldn't be distancing yourself right now.

[PrincessOfDarkness]

When it comes to words vs actions, you should always listen to the more negative of the two. Ideally you want both to match and both to be positive.

 

In this scenario I think that actions still speak volumes of his non-romantic interest. Has he asked you on a date? Kissed you? Done anything that can CLEARLY be interpreted as a romantic interest? From what you have written, no he hasn't. So his actions and words DO match in a way. He is telling you AND showing you that he values your friendship but doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.

 

Having said that, I think that he is very aware of your feelings for him and he should take more consideration to explicitly NOT give you the wrong idea. I also think that as soon as he finds a gf, he will withdraw from you making you more heartbroken than ever. It is very unhealthy for you to continue to be in this situation.

 

But even worse that this, is the time you are spending with him and mental and emotional energy expanded on trying to analyze him doesn't really leave much room for meeting someone that you can have a romantic relationship with.

 

Your best bet really is telling him, look I have feelings for you and I know that you don't feel the same so I need some space and distance to sort myself out. And then stick with much less contact.

[LoveLace]

Just for kicks, well I did leave a couple things out. I don't know if it's very significant but the timing is kinda funny. BTW I was talking to a few people at work today and they say all the same as what my friends say: "he's fulla crap"...they haven't met him, but my friends have. I don't understand why so many people so strongly believe this. But as much as I hear it, it doesn't make me act on anything (beyond coming to LS!) so I guess it doesn't matter if they ARE right or not.

 

Anyway, just a couple days after last "chat", I ran into a high school fling...got some needs met that I haven't had in months. It was awesome but I have no interest in doing it again. We acknowledged that we were using each other and that's that. I told C of course because we tell each other everything. Around the same time, I also got back into the gym which I've been pretty successful with. Anyway, since then I've heard a lot of this from C: "Just for you..."...."I have a surprise for you"...."You are worth it"...."This place is just not as fun without you"....He's always treated me nicely yes, but this YOU business is a sudden on-going thing. Before, there was never anything he did that was especially "for me". After several times of this type of thing, this is why I wondered about maybe some "guilt" on his part, because of our conversation. Because if he doesn't want more, I don't know why else everything would suddenly be about ME. The problem here is that I KNOW he's not into me because of what he said, right?...Therefore, these new and extra acts of kindness that probably stem from just feeling bad, can EASILY be thought of as things that only boyfriends do, and I just don't think he realizes it.

 

He is interested in some online chick, and she appears into him as well, but even then, he can't seem to stand it if I go too many hours without texting or calling him. I try to, and I'll get this: "Hey LL! How are you today!" And I just casually answer back. I don't give him any special attention that's supposed to make him feel good about himself (anymore). So if the idea is that he just feeds off my attention, well lately I haven't given him much to feed off of. Then all this "YOU" stuff started happening. I just don't think he knows how it looks, that's all.

 

The only reason his comment about getting on my nerves caught me is because, when he talks with ME about girls he likes, he gets extremely insecure. Worried that he'll "fk up" and this and that, he calls himself fat, etc. SO when he says, "You don't wanna date me because I'd get on your nerves"....it reminded me of all the insecurities that it appears women make him feel. Therefore, the reason I ignored the comment is because I wasn't about to say, "Oh no honey your great! You could never get on my nerves!" or say anything to make him feel better about himself, because I've done enough of that in the past. That's what I think he might have been looking for there. And I didn't give it to him. Realizing just how low his confidence gets sometimes, I'm convinced that I"m more confident than HE is, even. And it's not my job to help him.

[shadowplay]

LL, stop being friends with him! It's that simple.

 

Why are you putting yourself through this torture? You may have a great friendship, but it's not worth the heartache.

[LoveLace]

I will not stop being his friend. We've been friends for 10 years. And I've met a new guy recently. I've actively looked for other guys to date this whole time and it seems i may have found one!

 

C only likes really, really, skinny chicks. The kind that look ill. He was drooling over one of them when we were out the other night. That pretty much opened my eyes. Because I will NEVER look like that, nor do I want to look like that. Everyone has their preferences and there's nothing I can do about his. I have a chunky build and I'm fit, which is perfectly attractive to other men, just not to him. So, I think he wishes that he could find me in someone else's body, which will never happen, but he'l figure that out on his own when it's too late, when I have someone else. Too bad!

 

He's quitting the job that takes him away every weekend. He's unhappy with it and tired of missing out on family and things like that on weekends. He also hates that it keeps him from "having a real relationship"...then added that I am "the only friend" he has. I told him that's not true, but he seems to really believe that. He's a good guy that's there for me day or night, spoils me in some ways that no guy ever has, so why not milk it until I find the real thing in someone else. Because even after that, I know he'll still be there for me if I should need him. He is a loyal friend in that way. So I'm not about to get all whiny about any stupid feelings I"ve had and walk away from him. When I need space from him, I create it...sometimes i just won't contact him for a day or two, which he always questions, but I just appear busy. It seems to do the trick and keeps me from feeling too close. Then we hang out, have a blast of times together, and I"m fine. It seems I genuinely mean a lot to him and he does to me, so it's not in my heart to shut him out, and it never will be; so I don't have a choice but to accept that he will never see me "that way" yet he continues to do nice things for me and be loyal to our friendship. And I can't bring myself to think of him as a "bad guy" just because his standards don't compare to me. There are certain types of guys that I won't date either, because I can't begin to feel attracted to them, and it's not fair to anyone, but it's reality. Then again, I would also never spend gobs of time with those guys and give them the attention that C gives me, but whatever.