Ever Get The Feeling

[nobody's girl]

That the universe is totally out to get you?

 

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Okay, so yesterday I had a complete and total breakdown. The only thing that got me through is knowing that I’ll be seeing a friend of mine next week. I really need a hug and an impartial sounding board. He’s the best at both. We don’t see each other very often; it’s been months, so I was really looking forward to seeing him. If I hadn’t had that to look forward to I’d probably still be curled up in a ball on the floor crying (not one of my finer moments).

 

Got a call from him today and he has to postpone our get-together for at least two weeks. Totally legitimate on his part and I’m not going to say “no I really need to see you so I can whine to you in person.” But damn, I’ve been handling things on my own since I was 10 years old. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I can’t do it all on my own and am willing to open up and I can’t even get that. The minute I accept that I’m going to ask for help and it is immediately yanked away from me. I just want to know why.

 

It's like some huge cosmic joke. What lesson (if there even is one) am I supposed to learn from this? I have to continue face things on my own? Does that mean I’m always going to be on my own? Why? I don’t want someone to take care of me, just take the wheel once in a while. Is that really so much to ask?

[Eve]

*Hugs*

 

May I ask how old are you?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[nobody's girl]

Thanks.

 

Pushing 40 and have apparently decided it's time for a mid life crisis.

[Eve]

Thanks.

 

Pushing 40 and have apparently decided it's time for a mid life crisis.

 

You feel that low? Crap..

 

Who is this guy anyway? Is this a romantic thing?

 

I do have a very definate ideas regarding the Universe and human potential. However in the first instance, do you exercise much? The low feeling you speak off - is it constant or does it fluctuate? For example, do you feel much different today?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[nobody's girl]

Been going through some major life changes lately. Problem is they all hit at once so, as usual, I tried to find some meaning in all of it. Starting to see that maybe there is no meaning.

 

For example, I got downsized from work a month ago. I hated the job and had been looking for another for quite a while. So I wasn't all that upset about losing the job itself. Last year I had two interviews for jobs I really wanted but didn't land either job. No big deal. Last week BOTH jobs were advertised again as being available. So I've re-applied for both.

 

One of them contacted me Monday and said they had decided not to fill the position after all. That was the second time on Monday I was contacted about a job I'd applied for that the employer decided after receiving applications that they weren't going to have the position after all. Mondays have become bad days for me because it's the beginning of another week where I'm home alone all day with nothing to do but wait for the phone to ring. I've gotten to the point where I put off getting on the job sites because there's nothing out there. And when I do apply for something I either don't get an interview, get a "thanks but no thanks" email, or get an email saying they've decided not to have the position at all.

 

So after all of that on Monday, I was just sick of it all. As for the guy in question, at one point when I first felt something big was in my future, I though maybe he was it. Six months later I finally admitted there was no romantic thing there, just my misguided optimism trying to fit him into the mold. But he's still a good friend with a calming presence. I really could have used that at a time like this. Just to forget everything for an hour would have been enough.

 

As far as fluctuating feelings. Well yes, in a way. I'm generally a positive person but lately I'm just feeling like the universe is beating me down. Some days I want to let it, other days my fighting nature comes through and I want to fight it. Then I wonder why bother engaging in a fight I can't win. On Monday I felt I'd hit rock bottom. On Tuesday after my friend cancelled on me, I couldn't help but laugh. I just wanted to shout at the universe "Seriously? You couldn't even give me this?" I mean come on. I wasn't looking for anything deep, just a little time with a friend. The minute I look forward to it, it gets taken away.

 

Exercise - yeah I get plenty of exercise. I walk the dogs a few miles every day. Now that I'm unemployed and have hours of time on my hands we're walking twice as much as usual. It's to the point where sometimes my poor dogs look at me like "No more walks! Just let us take a nap." I'm also making sure to take my vitamins regularly as usual. I will admit my diet has turned to crap since losing my job, but I'm trying to eat three healthy meals every day. Although there's a pretty good chance I'll end up eating bread & peanut butter pretty soon if I can't find a job.

[Eve]

Yeah, a lot has been happening for you! Thank you for sharing.

 

Firstly well done on the exercise front. I reckon most problems are exacerabated because of a lack of exercise. What breed of dog do you have? I am glad that you both have each other.. animals are so very special. So well done you! Do you have anyone who can cook dinner for you at the mo? The impression I got from your message was a need to be looked after right now. At least the male friend is still a friend but I can identify with the need to have someone more immediately. Can a friend or family member cook for you and pamper you a bit right now? Helping others can have a simular effect.. well it can do for me sometimes.

 

What intrigued me was that you state that you do not believe that there is a meaning to events but still you look to the Universe as having some level of influence. Where does that come from?

 

Also, with regard to being alone since you were 10. Do you think there are some issues that you need to talk over with someone in more depth? Overall, I can relate to looking after myself from an early age and in turn I have had great difficulty learning to trust in the Universe.. so I can sort of relate to some of the points that you have raised.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[quankanne]

ah ... lots of hugs, NG. This is really crappy place for you to be right now, but remember, crap cannot last forever. Things start picking up, simply because they must – no such thing as perpetual status quo (unless we're talking death, but that doesn't apply).

 

as much as you feel compelled to see the negative side of it, think of it this way: Your buddy wasn't able to come down right now because Fate, Karma, God understands that there's gonna come a time when he is REALLY going to need to be at your side, and BAM! He'll be there. God willing, it'll be for happy reasons you so can celebrate with with your friend, and it'll be so much more meaningful because it IS for a good reason, so to speak. Remember, even though you might feel upset about him not being with you right now, there's something better planned in the works.

 

at least, this is how it's worked out for me, something to ponder ...

[nobody's girl]

Thanks guys. I guess I just feel like I’m all alone these days and the realization of it is kind of disturbing.

 

 

What breed of dog do you have? I am glad that you both have each other.. animals are so very special. So well done you!

I have mutts. They’re both a blessing and a curse. If it weren’t for them, I have a feeling there would be a few days where I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. But on the other hand, not only do I have to worry about me, I have to worry about them. If it weren’t for them, I’d just walk away from my house and hit the road. Can’t really do that and find a place to rent with dogs in tow. Two of them are older and I’m worried sick about how I can afford to care for them if they get sick while I’m out of work. The younger one has been a blessing, but I also wonder if adopting her a year ago was the right thing to do now that I’m out of work.

 

Do you have anyone who can cook dinner for you at the mo? The impression I got from your message was a need to be looked after right now. At least the male friend is still a friend but I can identify with the need to have someone more immediately. Can a friend or family member cook for you and pamper you a bit right now?

Nope, I literally have nobody. My friends in town all moved out of state over the past year or so. My two best friends don’t live near me – we keep in touch via email and get together once or twice a year.

 

The only family I have nearby is a sister who lives an hour away and is currently in the process of selling her house and moving to a new one. I’m getting blow by blow descriptions of the process, right down to the dollar, from her and I’m about to come unglued. Pretty hard to feel sorry for someone who is upset because “the new house just doesn’t feel homey" (based on two showings), not to mention the $20k her MIL is giving them for the down payment, when I’m wondering if my mortgage payment this month is going to go through. The only reason why I haven’t gone completely off on her is because I might need a place to live if things don’t look up soon.

 

Helping others can have a simular effect.. well it can do for me sometimes.

Yeah, I spent five years putting my heart and soul into volunteering and loved it. Got burned by the group and totally burned out in the end. Earlier this year I decided I needed a break from doing things for others and devote some time for myself. I’ve considered doing some volunteering while I’m unemployed but I just can’t bring myself to do it and end up back where I was before. I need time for me for a change.

 

What intrigued me was that you state that you do not believe that there is a meaning to events but still you look to the Universe as having some level of influence. Where does that come from?

I’ve always felt that there has to be a meaning to everything. I find it hard to believe that all of the crazy stuff that has happened to me over the years is completely random. When something happened, I was always able to tell myself that things would be okay. That there was something better for me bound to happen that would make all of the crap seem trivial. After nearly 40 years of being kicked when I’m down, I’m having a hard time believing that there really is something better out there. Maybe it is all just randomness – and that depresses the hell out of me. You know how some people seem to have everything go their way no matter what? I’m one of those people who has crap dumped on them no matter what.

 

Here's an example. When I was in high school, a bunch of us used to go out for Chinese food every other week. No matter what, I always ended up with an empty fortune cookie – didn’t matter if I picked the cookie, someone else picked the cookie for me, or someone traded with me – every time mine would be empty. Eventually I was asked not to join the group anymore because the lack of fortunes in my cookies had severely disturbed several of the people in the group. THEY were disturbed? I was the one not getting a fortune. LOL! So not only was I wondering why I never got a fortune in my cookie, I was also ostracized by my friends because of it. How messed up is that?

 

Also, with regard to being alone since you were 10. Do you think there are some issues that you need to talk over with someone in more depth? Overall, I can relate to looking after myself from an early age and in turn I have had great difficulty learning to trust in the Universe.. so I can sort of relate to some of the points that you have raised.

 

Yeah, too bad I don’t have any insurance to pay a therapist. Actually, I’ve managed to come to terms with a lot of it and am pretty proud of that. At least I can pass in everyday society without coming off as a freak or a sociopath. Seriously, I’ve always been proud of the fact that I can take care of myself no matter what. The problem now is I feel like maybe I depend too much on myself and am willing to accept that I need help – yet I feel like there’s nobody there to help me.

 

This is really crappy place for you to be right now, but remember, crap cannot last forever. Things start picking up, simply because they must – no such thing as perpetual status quo.

Yeah, I used to say that too. But after nearly 40 years I have to wonder WHEN things will pick up. My current situation is pretty much the way it's always been in my life. In my life if anything can go wrong, it will. If you get 10 people in a room and ask them about the one lousiest time in their life, I can pretty much guarantee that I've had 90% of those things happen to me. And the other 10% is right around the corner.

 

as much as you feel compelled to see the negative side of it, think of it this way: Your buddy wasn't able to come down right now because Fate, Karma, God understands that there's gonna come a time when he is REALLY going to need to be at your side, and BAM! He'll be there.

With all due respect, although I admire your belief in God, I’m an atheist so I don’t see things the way you do. I do truly admire the faith religious people have, I just don’t share it.

 

Remember, even though you might feel upset about him not being with you right now, there's something better planned in the works.

Ha! I’ve been saying that for nearly 40 years. I want a time and a date, otherwise I can no longer delude myself into thinking there’s something better in the works.

 

at least, this is how it's worked out for me, something to ponder ...

I’m glad it worked out for you. No matter how crappy things are in my life, I am truly, truly happy to see it when others are doing well. I hold no hard feelings towards people who are doing well or have good things happen to them. I just wish some of that would get thrown my way every now and then.

[Eve]

I have read the comments made by yourself in response to myself and Quank. Can I please put my cards on the table? I am a person of faith and I remain grounded because I never forget who I once was. I remember the distractions but have no desire to 'make' others believe in what I know to be true. I am intrigued by you because you remind me of something.. I am not precisely sure what though completely..

 

Now, the fortune cookie incident/s, why were they such a big deal? Are you Asian? I would consider that incident some form of sign because of how I am as a person.. did you? I still get the feeling that for some reason you look to the Universe as a guide and I am wondering if you have left a faith behind somewhere.. or something..

 

Sorry if this is intrusive and I will of course leave it here if you wish and not pursue anything other than what you ask as far as possible. I just have something niggling at me and I always follow my intuition. Or maybe this is because you chose to post here on the spirituality section of the board and that has got me thinking too much?

 

Aside from my inquisitive slant on what you have written, I would say that sis looks to be the next stage if things dont work out. The doggies will need to eat as well as yourself, so I think that you need to prepare yourself (just in case) you need to ask sis for help. Crap! I am not one for asking for help .. How does that possibility feel?

 

Also, please direct the conversation to anything that you feel to be pertinent other than what is written/responded to.

 

Take care,

Eve xx