Effects of Emotional Abuse

[HappyAgain]

Do you think people who have suffered long term emotional abuse in a previous relationship would jump into a new relationship quickly or would they remain single after getting away from an abusive relationship?

 

I would assume that they would remain single for a while to heal but I have friends who say that it would best be to get involved with someone else as soon as they can so that they can learn that not all relationships have to be abusive.

 

What are the thoughts of other people on LS who have been in abusive relationships?

[frustrated&sad]

That's a tough call. After being emotionally and verbally abused for the past year, I can say that no that I am no longer with my ex (6 weeks), I think it is far better for me to be alone for awhile. To work on me, to heal, to talk to a therapist. Then, when I am in a good way to try to enter gently into the relationship world again. So I am for waiting. Plus, someone who has had such abuse can know what a good relationship is when they talk with their friends and family who don't abuse them. My two cents.

[Meaplus3]

As a person who suffered through this sort of abuse for many years in a marriage.. my advice is to take each new relationship slow. I had to learn to trust again.. and for me it's been tough. So slow and cautious is the way to go IMO. Emotional abuse leaves life time scars.

 

Mea:)

[hoping2heal]

Do you think people who have suffered long term emotional abuse in a previous relationship would jump into a new relationship quickly or would they remain single after getting away from an abusive relationship?

 

I would assume that they would remain single for a while to heal but I have friends who say that it would best be to get involved with someone else as soon as they can so that they can learn that not all relationships have to be abusive.

 

What are the thoughts of other people on LS who have been in abusive relationships?

 

I wouldn't say I have been in any abusive romantic relationships. However, I was sexually abused starting at the time I was an infant. I was physically abused by my brother during my childhood for several years, and I have been mentally/emotionally abused by my father nearly my entire life. So, that really crippled my ability to trust that anyone I completely trusted would not turn around and hurt me. It's still a work in progress, I have a really wonderful partner that I love very much and that I have come farther along with trusting and opening up "the real me" to him. The bond we have runs deeper than any previous bond with a human being I've ever had.

 

I don't think you should just jump from one relationship straight away to the next. We need time to heal in between our hurts or we gob up our emotions and gridlock our hearts. It isn't a good thing. I think once you've healed from your last relationship, then it is safe to persue another one. I've only just started to confront and deal with the issues of my past this year, and although I wasn't still pining for another man when I first got with my current partner, I had not yet begun the work to fix myself from everything I have been through. The first few months of our relationship was very rocky to say the least, because I did what I always do. I put up ten thousand walls to shield myself, because I didn't know any other way to cope. I have always wanted human companionship and love, but I've never known how to trust it, how to let myself go.

 

It somehow worked out okay, thanks in part to my partners deep compassion, I think most men would of ran for the hills rather than put up with my bag of tricks. But that dynamic has changed quite drastically now. He and I have a whole new ballgame going on. This was just a best case scenario though, so fix yourself first ok dear?

[ant0255]

First off i am a guy, and secondly i am in law enforcement, so ive seen the effects of every type of abuse, thirdly I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 7 months. Long story short she was emotionally abused by her ex of 7 years, her and i met at a bar, both were sober. We hit it off. We fell in love and then her ex started pestering her again, using the dogs and the house to keep control of her. It totally screwed with my head because he wanted her back, but she did not know what she wanted. Eventually she finally made a decision that she needs to deal with her problems before she could be in a relationship, that was music to my ears. I still tsee her and talk to her, we both go to the same gym, and we chatted about whats been going on and she is relizing that what she had before with her ex was not a good thing. I guess the point im trying to make is that, consider what the person you may go out with will have to go through if you are not completely over the past.

 

The hardest thing for me besides losing the most amazing woman ever to have entered my life was the fact that she did not appreciate herself. I apologize for going on and on. If i woman and were to give advice i would say go out, have fun.

[deux ex machina]

I think it's best to remain single for a while. Even under the best of circumstances, I don't think it's the greatest thing ever to go from one r to another (branch-swinging), so I may be biased.

 

I am giving myself a long time. A year. I do not care if I feel alone sometimes. I can handle that. None of that matters in the long run. I wouldn't want to hurt any man or make him cry. I couldn't bear it if I did.

 

He is out of my life. I had the strength to end it. Yet all of it has been the catalyst for me to face everything I've managed to run away from my whole life.

 

I just don't think I'm anyone to get to know romantically right now.

It does not mean I am screwed up, or I can't handle an r. I actually could.

 

It simply means I am self-aware enough to understand that a year from now, I will not be the same person.

[Rylle]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 5 years. I broke up with him for good because he threw a beer bottle at me and attacked me.

 

Everyone is different, and will heal differently, and need different things during that process.

 

I ended it about a year and a half/two years ago. I still have a lot of issues - with trust, with boundaries, etc.

 

As a result of my abusive relationship, I didn't have guy friends.

 

In order to get over it and begin healing and learning what a normal, healthy relationship is like (and that they do in fact exist) I needed therapy, and a guy friend. Yes, I was attracted to him, but I actually didn't want to start anything with him. I wanted to know what it's like to have a healthy relationship with a man, and I started with that friend.

 

The only romantic relationship I've been in since has been taken VERY slowly.

 

I'm not sure that I would have been able to be in a healthy relationship had I gone straight into a new relationship, especially without therapy.

[muse08]

...and I have been mentally/emotionally abused by my father nearly my entire life...

 

hopeing2heal, just stumbled upon this thread and your post stood out to me mainly b/c for most of my life my father has left serious emotional scars with me as well. how are you now with trusting you current man.has your father said or done anything to improve or rectify his behavior,or the results of his actions?

 

my father was neglectful, yet says he loves me all the time...huge conflict IMO and has made me resent him in many ways. the most frustfrating part about is that he always calls as if nothing is wrong or that i'm supposed to be ok now just because i've gotton older. he has never apologized or discussed the why's of his behavior. he was very controlling with my mom the 4 yrs they were married.messed w/the car so she couldn't drive it and all.my mother says he played lots of mind games. so i have noticed the same patterns in my relationships and i want to stop it, asap. i have not started getting help yet. although now,like literally this week many things have hit home. so i've been calling therapists to begin discussing my issues and hope to heal soon. just broke up with my ex because of some of his controlling behavior. it's not easy b/c in a weird way i still care for him but i know i don't need to be w/him.

 

so my question for you is, do you have any advice for me while getting help.

 

i think i need to lay low for a while and heal, but i don't wanna get 'rusty' either. your story sad,yet inspiring. i am happy for you and that you seem to be in a healthy relationship with someone who really cares for you and is patient. my ex was patient also, but too controlling and borderline obsessive with me and my time and space. i broke up with him b/c of the obsessiveness and the issuses that exist with him(more detail in my previous threads).btw, he's still contacting me eventhough i broke up w/him and did NC for a week.

[TwoForgiving]

How about if the guy says he just came out of an abusive relationship yet it's only been a few weeks since that R ended? Do you believe him, is he just saying this stuff to get sympathy, trying to place all the blame or his former partner?

 

I would imagine that if he really was abused that he wouldn't be looking for something new so soon. What does anyone else think?

[deux ex machina]

How about if the guy says he just came out of an abusive relationship yet it's only been a few weeks since that R ended? Do you believe him, is he just saying this stuff to get sympathy, trying to place all the blame or his former partner?

 

I would imagine that if he really was abused that he wouldn't be looking for something new so soon. What does anyone else think?

 

It is difficult to say anything useful about what his past may be, since I'm guessing you have his word on it and no one else's. A lot of that will depend on how honest you find he is generally.

 

A lot of people do go from relationship to relationship very quickly - it's hard to say whether or not abuse has any bearing on it, though.

 

How's that for a helpful response?

 

 

 

 

...well, now that I think about it, if he goes on about it like that, combined with wanting something new so quickly...I don't know, it gives me a bad feeling in a way, almost like there could be a manipulative feel to it all, somehow.

 

I'm not saying that's a fact, how could I know from a post?

 

But I think you are right in having second thoughts. I wouldn't let him all the way in by a long shot for quite some time - not in a negative way, but more as a self-protective measure.

 

One of those "step back and see what happens" type of things.

Edited October 26, 2009 by deux ex machina
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[Patrice]

Similar situation .. married 26 years and the ex got emotionally abusive for the five years prior to my leaving. We are legally separated (just) and have been living apart for seven months. I feel lonely - yet unable to let other men in yet - I think I'm in the process of ending it with a man who I have not even met - only internet connection and he has called me every night for about a month. He is pressuring to meet me and I know he would like a sexual relationship - and I don't think I'm quite ready for that. He wanted me to meet him 1 1/2 hours from my home last evening and travel back after that - I have to get up work quite early so I told him another day would be better - now he's angry and hasn't contacted me all day ... sigh.

[HarmonyHope]

I don't think it's a really good idea to get involved with someone right away. The danger would be that you haven't had time to heal and risk picking out the same kind of person to start the cycle all over again.

[honeypear]

As a person who suffered through this sort of abuse for many years in a marriage.. my advice is to take each new relationship slow. I had to learn to trust again.. and for me it's been tough. So slow and cautious is the way to go IMO. Emotional abuse leaves life time scars.

 

Mea:)

 

I think your exactly right. You need to take things slow. You need to learn to trust again not just another person but yourself. I am not saying in anyway anyone deserves to be treated that way. I learned from being in that type of relationship you lose yourself by walking around on egg shells. Once your confident with yourself than take a chance but go slow.

[TwoForgiving]

It is difficult to say anything useful about what his past may be, since I'm guessing you have his word on it and no one else's. A lot of that will depend on how honest you find he is generally.

 

A lot of people do go from relationship to relationship very quickly - it's hard to say whether or not abuse has any bearing on it, though.

 

How's that for a helpful response?

 

 

 

 

...well, now that I think about it, if he goes on about it like that, combined with wanting something new so quickly...I don't know, it gives me a bad feeling in a way, almost like there could be a manipulative feel to it all, somehow.

 

I'm not saying that's a fact, how could I know from a post?

 

But I think you are right in having second thoughts. I wouldn't let him all the way in by a long shot for quite some time - not in a negative way, but more as a self-protective measure.

 

One of those "step back and see what happens" type of things.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Like you say, I only have his word for it as I can't go and ask his ex. But my gut says that he is waxing the pity party a little too much and he makes his ex sound like the worst person on the planet yet he was married for over 10 years - why would you stay that long if it was so horrific! I guess I'm being a little sexist but I would imagine that it would easier for a man to leave the R if he was abused rather than a woman especially when there were no children involved.

 

And if he was treated so badly, I would imagine that staying single for a little while would be the healthiest thing for both him and any future partner. I think I'm going to pass on this "great" guy who has been "misunderstood" and "abused" his whole life.

[freestyle]

How about if the guy says he just came out of an abusive relationship yet it's only been a few weeks since that R ended? Do you believe him, is he just saying this stuff to get sympathy, trying to place all the blame or his former partner?

 

I would imagine that if he really was abused that he wouldn't be looking for something new so soon. What does anyone else think?

 

 

I'm inclined to agree with Deux, here---be careful, and watchful.

 

In my experience,I've encountered a handful of guys who milk the sympathy card for all it's worth, while not quite telling the whole story......

 

They demonize and villify their x's, and assume no responsibilty for the prior R going south. It's all, "poor me, poor,poor me............" she was so evil..............

 

(for the record, i hope no one sees this as me male-bashing, I'm merely recalling my own experience as a hetero-female. I totally realize that women are capable of being just as manipulative)

 

It could be playing the pity card. Or it could be a spiteful character defamation projected by a person who's abusive themself.

 

Or it could be a legitimate instance of someone who has been truly abused, and fell into the role of a codependent, possibly explaining the desire to rush into another R immediately...............................

 

The thing is, it takes a while to see the real person.You don't know until you've been around someone long enough to see how they behave in a time of adversity.

[Peaceful Guy]

It could be playing the pity card. Or it could be a spiteful character defamation projected by a person who's abusive themself.

 

Or it could be a legitimate instance of someone who has been truly abused, and fell into the role of a codependent, possibly explaining the desire to rush into another R immediately...............................

ide like to add one to this..

 

it could also be that they truly believe it, right or not. ive had a hard time in some relationships because i know that there's two sides to every story. i knew i wanted out for my reasons, but i also know to the other person there's no way i was perfect. in telling other people about what happened, its hard to give a balanced view of the situation.

 

for the original question - i really like what some others have said already. my answer would be that it would be possible to start anew, but that the wounds would still take time to heal regardless. just like frustrated&sad said, "...someone who has had such abuse can know what a good relationship is when they talk with their friends and family who don't abuse them." well put.

[ON MY OWN]

I think it is wise for anyone to have some time to get themselves back and realize their part in the co dependant situation they were in, for instance why they stayed, what they will do different to avoid any future repeats in a new relationship and so forth. I believe once in an abusive relationship, these people require a little extra time to sort through things and find themselves again. To regain their independence again and get over any initial "flashbacks".

 

Reason for being so important for some time ( varies from person to person ) is to be able to be fair to another new person and not treating someone unfairly because of someone elses mistakes.

[deux ex machina]

...I believe once in an abusive relationship, these people require a little extra time to sort through things and find themselves again. To regain their independence again and get over any initial "flashbacks"...

 

Yes...

 

Not so good today, as I'm dealing with memories of his rages and his screaming at me. How random and nonsensical it was. No reason for it that I could ever figure out.

 

He would do it so close to me, bodily. It fed on itself and kept building.

Then he would act like nothing ever happened.

 

I'm just grateful I can hold it together, no one would guess anything is not good.

 

g_d. This is going to take a while.

Edited October 30, 2009 by deux ex machina

[lilbelle]

i jumped right in and started dating, but nothing serious and no sex. I dated for over a year and a half and then found a guy I was willing to open up to. I was honest with him about the abuse. I trusted him wholeheartedly and now I wish I hadn't. I was probably abusive to him at our last fight and have lost a great man. I still need time to heal and I will not be dating anyone for quite a while.