Checked his phone, found the inevitable, was this happening the whole time?

[periwink]

So. I checked my boyfriend’s phone on Friday night. This is only the second time in two years I have looked at his phone. The first time was about a year in to the relationship when we were on holiday. He went out and left his phone in the hotel room. It rang so I looked at the screen, and when it stopped ringing a message had appeared from a woman. I had never had any reason not to trust him before then, but curiousity got the better of me that night and I looked and found more texts from the same woman, and some he’d sent to her which were unmistakable invitations to meet for sex. I confronted him that night. We had a huge fight. We spent the rest of the holiday not speaking. We didn’t split as soon as we got home but a few weeks after that it all got too much and I threw him out.

 

A few months later, January this year. We bumped into each other at the gym, he asked if we could go for a coffee. He stressed that he had made big changes in his life (stopping drinking being one, which he claimed had been what made him cheat) and slowly we began to see each other again, and over the last seven months he has, apparently, been on his very best behaviour – at least in front of me he has.

 

However. On Friday night there, something made me look at his phone. I emphasisie this is only the second time I have ever looked at his phone. The first time I found dirty texts above. This time, nearly a year later, guess what? I found more, even more undeniable text evidence of serious cheating (with a different girl this time!). This time was a text from her three weeks ago saying how much she was looking forward to having sex with him (in much less polite language) and she’d be over at 8pm. There were also sent messages from him from just ten days ago saying he was on his way over, he would be there soon to have sex with her (again in more explicit terms) etc etc.

 

After much initial denial he eventually admitted seeing her on two occasions (to tie up with the two dates of texts above) but that was all. (He also admitted watching a DVD with her which he had told me about at the time saying he’d watched it with his (male) flatmate, so he has consciously brought a reference of his cheating into conversation with me!)

 

So the problem is, how likely is it that in the two years we were together I look at the phone twice and they just happen to be the two times he has cheated on me when drunk? He is claiming it is just down to alcohol and that he desperately doesn’t want to lose me etc etc, but I am thinking, how many other girls have there been? I feel bad for him as I genuinely believe he is remorseful (as he has been all through his life after doing something bad, extreme remorse follows, he had quite a turbulent youth) but I would prefer to hear the truth as it’s the lies that hurt more than his drunken actions.

 

PS I have no intention of taking him back, I just want other opinions on whether these really were two isolated incidents or should I trust my instinct that he was doing this every weekend that I wasn’t out?

[norajane]

He's a lying liar who lies...and cheats.

 

Trust your instincts, and go get tested for STD's.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

YES! its been happening all along..

[sxyNYCcpl]

Simple.

 

He does not want a sexually monogamous relationship, but he lacks the testicular fortitude to admit that to himself or anyone else. He needs to man up, admit who he is, and seek out someone with similar values.

[periwink]

It's just very hard to believe that he was saying all the stuff he said to me (even though I wasn't always that receptive as since the first cheating incidendent I have been a lot less into him - and hence why I'm almost glad he's done it again so I can bail out!) but he was always bending over backwards to please me, telling me he loved me etc etc.

 

It makes you wonder if anyone ever tells the truth?

 

And I feel bad now because he is seemingly so upset about us breaking up and is begging me for another chance - I know, I know, he's had his chances - but I just don't understand how someone can appear so genuine,yet all the time has been so bad?

[sxyNYCcpl]

The problem is that he is unable, unwilling, or both to even admit to himself what he wants from his sexuality. He does not want to live a monogamous lifestyle, yet every influencing factor in his life have pounded into his head that not only is he supposed to, indeed it is the only acceptable way in which to live.

 

So he tries, yet he fails. The shame he feels is genuine, the pain is real. The desire to rekindle the relationship is no doubt pure. But until he can come to grips with who he truly is, and accept himself, he will continue struggling to force himself to fit into a mold that doesn't fit. Nothing you have said indicates to me that such an arrangement would be acceptable to you, unfortunately I'd say you guys are probably a mismatch.

 

It's possible I'm misreading the situation. It could be that everything he has told you (that both incidents were isolated and alcohol related) is true. That doesn't necessarily minimize the behavior, nor the consequences of it, but on the other hand who amongst us has never awoken to a story of their drunken actions and the shock of "I did WHAT last night???" If that is the case, it may not be that monogamy is not his thing, it may simply be as it appears on the surface. A drunken lapse of judgment.

[norajane]

It's just very hard to believe that he was saying all the stuff he said to me (even though I wasn't always that receptive as since the first cheating incidendent I have been a lot less into him - and hence why I'm almost glad he's done it again so I can bail out!) but he was always bending over backwards to please me, telling me he loved me etc etc.

 

It makes you wonder if anyone ever tells the truth?

 

And I feel bad now because he is seemingly so upset about us breaking up and is begging me for another chance - I know, I know, he's had his chances - but I just don't understand how someone can appear so genuine,yet all the time has been so bad?

 

That's what selfish, narcissistic people do. They screw you over in order to get what they want, and then they get upset when you call them on it and ruin the little set-up they had going. It's all about him and what he wants.

 

Face it, he LIKES having you and other women, too. He doesn't want to change the status quo. You took away his candy, so now he's going to pout and try to wheedle you back so he can have everything exactly the way he likes it - you and other women to f*ck on the side.

[Trialbyfire]

It's just very hard to believe that he was saying all the stuff he said to me (even though I wasn't always that receptive as since the first cheating incidendent I have been a lot less into him - and hence why I'm almost glad he's done it again so I can bail out!) but he was always bending over backwards to please me, telling me he loved me etc etc.

 

It makes you wonder if anyone ever tells the truth?

 

And I feel bad now because he is seemingly so upset about us breaking up and is begging me for another chance - I know, I know, he's had his chances - but I just don't understand how someone can appear so genuine,yet all the time has been so bad?

I went through a period of the bolded statement until I realized that each time the gut instinct kicked in, it was bang on.

 

Something made you check his phone both times. What does that tell you? It tells you that you have something to anchor to, inside of you, something you CAN trust.

 

It doesn't matter if he was doing it all along or not. All that matters is that he's not someone to have a mature and monogamous relationship with. He doesn't meet your standards of integrity so it's time to move on and heal.

 

After you heal, you can look back and realize that no matter what happens to you, you will survive. Whether you thrive, will rely on YOU. Will you allow someone like that to impact on who you are? It's your choice.

[gopher]

Guys like that are always going to cheat until they get tired of the consequences...It may be a self esteem issues or the rush he gets from doing it, but either way, not many women are going to put up with that and nor should they.