raclar Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 My bf and I met in school. We dated for 1 year, then I graduated, had to take a job in CA (scholarship required it) and he graduated 6 months later and took a job in Chicago. For the past 2 years we've been doing the LD thing.. talking on the phone/video chatting every night, we visit about once a month. My scholarship obligation is now over (YAY!) and we're talking about me moving to Chicago so we can move in together. Originally we said I'd move there at the end of August, not matter what. But I'm having trouble finding a job there (darned economy) and now I'm getting mixed signals from him. First he says "Come no matter what! I'll support us!" (We both have jobs in tech and earn nice livings) now he says "wait til you have job before moving" I have enough savings to last me a year without working so his "supporting me" isn't really an issue. I think he's having cold feet. He's supposed to be looking for apts, and even tho I've told him about good ones I've found on craigslist, he hasn't gone to see them. I really do love him, and I know he loves me- we've been committed for all this time! Sept will be 3 years together for us. I feel like we need to make a decision for sure. I don't want to be in a long distance relationship forever. I want him to make a move! One way or the other. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I think we both love each other but are comfortable living alone, having our own lives.. and neither of us wants to rock the boat... give up our jobs,friends, etc. I have a job in silicon valley earning a very nice living, and I'm reluctant to give that up to move across the country to be unemployed. I do have savings but.. that does make the feminist in me a little nervous. I feel like I want to maybe apply some pressure? but I'm not sure what to do/ how to do that. What do you advise? Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 My bf and I met in school. We dated for 1 year, then I graduated, had to take a job in CA (scholarship required it) and he graduated 6 months later and took a job in Chicago. For the past 2 years we've been doing the LD thing.. talking on the phone/video chatting every night, we visit about once a month. My scholarship obligation is now over (YAY!) and we're talking about me moving to Chicago so we can move in together. Originally we said I'd move there at the end of August, not matter what. But I'm having trouble finding a job there (darned economy) and now I'm getting mixed signals from him. First he says "Come no matter what! I'll support us!" (We both have jobs in tech and earn nice livings) now he says "wait til you have job before moving" I have enough savings to last me a year without working so his "supporting me" isn't really an issue. I think he's having cold feet. He's supposed to be looking for apts, and even tho I've told him about good ones I've found on craigslist, he hasn't gone to see them. I really do love him, and I know he loves me- we've been committed for all this time! Sept will be 3 years together for us. I feel like we need to make a decision for sure. I don't want to be in a long distance relationship forever. I want him to make a move! One way or the other. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I think we both love each other but are comfortable living alone, having our own lives.. and neither of us wants to rock the boat... give up our jobs,friends, etc. I have a job in silicon valley earning a very nice living, and I'm reluctant to give that up to move across the country to be unemployed. I do have savings but.. that does make the feminist in me a little nervous. I feel like I want to maybe apply some pressure? but I'm not sure what to do/ how to do that. What do you advise? Who makes more money? Who has more job security? What will you do if you both lose your jobs, are either of you close to family? Will either of your families allow you to move in in an emergency in case you both lose your jobs? Either just you or, or both of you. Honestly it sounds like he's nervous about making a commitment or possibly worried about both of you losing your job. That worry certaintely isn't unfounded. Though if it were me I would never move across the country(esp if I had a job) with no job, with a person who was waffling back and forth about living with me. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 My bf and I met in school. We dated for 1 year, then I graduated, had to take a job in CA (scholarship required it) and he graduated 6 months later and took a job in Chicago. For the past 2 years we've been doing the LD thing.. talking on the phone/video chatting every night, we visit about once a month. My scholarship obligation is now over (YAY!) and we're talking about me moving to Chicago so we can move in together. Originally we said I'd move there at the end of August, not matter what. But I'm having trouble finding a job there (darned economy) and now I'm getting mixed signals from him. First he says "Come no matter what! I'll support us!" (We both have jobs in tech and earn nice livings) now he says "wait til you have job before moving" I have enough savings to last me a year without working so his "supporting me" isn't really an issue. I think he's having cold feet. He's supposed to be looking for apts, and even tho I've told him about good ones I've found on craigslist, he hasn't gone to see them. I really do love him, and I know he loves me- we've been committed for all this time! Sept will be 3 years together for us. I feel like we need to make a decision for sure. I don't want to be in a long distance relationship forever. I want him to make a move! One way or the other. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I think we both love each other but are comfortable living alone, having our own lives.. and neither of us wants to rock the boat... give up our jobs,friends, etc. I have a job in silicon valley earning a very nice living, and I'm reluctant to give that up to move across the country to be unemployed. I do have savings but.. that does make the feminist in me a little nervous. I feel like I want to maybe apply some pressure? but I'm not sure what to do/ how to do that. What do you advise? Who makes more money? Who has more job security? What will you do if you both lose your jobs, are either of you close to family? Will either of your families allow you to move in in an emergency in case you both lose your jobs? Also where would you rather live, Chicago or California? Either just you or, or both of you. Honestly it sounds like he's nervous about making a commitment or possibly worried about both of you losing your job. That worry certaintely isn't unfounded. Link to post Share on other sites
UBW Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Wow, what a dilemma.... Ok well I can only tell you what i would do but of course its easy to say what you should do when you are not the person involved The romantic thing to do is go to Chicago. Its what every romance novelist would have the story character to do...however this is the real world. The wise thing to do is to wait. I would not move but I would continue to look for a job. If and only if I found a job would I move to Chicago. My Reasons: 1. What happens if you two get into a fight and break up....what then? 2. What if he loses his job? 3. He sounds like he is unsure about everything. 4. You are unsure about this. (This is to big a move to make without being sure about it) Suggestions: 1. Why can't he move to CA, if he can find a job in CA he should move there. (Jobs are almost non existent now especially in that area of the country, so no one should be quitting a job without another one locked up) 2. Try to go on a 6 month Leave of Absense and move up there and see what happens, if its not right then move back to CA and you have your job waiting on you. Hope this Helps -Paul Link to post Share on other sites
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 2. Try to go on a 6 month Leave of Absense and move up there and see what happens, if its not right then move back to CA and you have your job waiting on you. Hope this Helps -Paul I like this advice. I would do that if I were you and had the possibility. That way you get to go soon, test the waters with your boyfriend etc AND you still have the security that if nothing else, the lovely bay still waiting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I do not understand why you are at the stage of wanting to move in together (either here or there) and have previously discussed it yet you can not have a discussion with him about the mixed signals you are seeing (could be totally unfounded or due to some other circumstances)? At this point you should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you aren't at the point where you can have frank and completely open conversations (especially about sensitive relationship issues) then I'd work on THAT before I even thought about moving there or having him move to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Personally I wouldn't quit a good job to move in with someone who didn't seem 100% certain about our relationship. My advice is to wait until you find a job in Chicago before you move - since he's waffling back and forth you can't rely on him, you need to be secure in your own right. Is there any reason why he can't/won't move to CA? Why did he move to Chicago anyway? Couldn't he have just stayed in CA with you in the first place, instead of moving to Chicago and subjecting you to an LDR? Based on the limited information you provided he sounds a little selfish, and there's something a bit fishy going on. Tread very carefully... personally I'd be inclined to stay in CA if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I do not understand why you are at the stage of wanting to move in together (either here or there) and have previously discussed it yet you can not have a discussion with him about the mixed signals you are seeing (could be totally unfounded or due to some other circumstances)? At this point you should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you aren't at the point where you can have frank and completely open conversations (especially about sensitive relationship issues) then I'd work on THAT before I even thought about moving there or having him move to me. I agree with this. Moving in together when you've been LDR for 2 years is totally jumping the gun, and if you can't even talk to him honestly about your questions and concerns, no way should you be moving in together. And really, Chicago? NorCal is so much nicer! Trust me, I've lived in both. Link to post Share on other sites
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