Trust issues and LDR

[Lovelymisa]

I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and now we have to be apart for a 8 months for me to finish my studies. That being said, right now I am going nuts. I am so anxious most of the time and I am so worried that one day he won't miss me anymore and that he would find someone else to replace me.

 

I am trying to put up a strong front so that I can leave with a good impression but its so hard- I just want to cry every time I think deep into the situation. All I can conjure up are negative thoughts- My ticket to come back to the states is in 12 hours….and i am going crazy inside, I feel so scared of the future and of the unknown. Last night his mom was telling him how this weekend (after i´m gone already) he should have a guys night out and relax with his friends. I really tried hard not to react but I failed and flipped out on him =( Just the thought of him going out and having fun laughing drinking and I am all alone in my house oceans away from him makes me so depress. He got upset with me because he never planned anything, he never said he would even go- it was only what his mom said and I jumped to conclusion. He assured me that he wouldn´t go. I still don´t feel better because what if he doesn´t go this time, but what about the next time? I came to realize that I won´t be here for all the memories anymore, the holidays-christmas for example, and I would not know whether or not he go out or not maybe he would just choose to not tell me so we won´t fight…I don´t know why I am being so controlling but this situation is out of my hands and I can´t control anything and it is driving me crazy and i´m a bundle of nerves-

 

Also I heard his brother saying that this coming Friday they should all go out to lunch together with co-workers and i know for a fact that there will be one girl there. She already has a boyfriend, she is one of the co-workers…i know i should not even think about being jealous of her but i am!!! Why does she get to see my bf and be there with him and i´ll be oceans away??? Life is not fair!! I know I need to keep my cool and be on my best behavior and just try to relax but it is so hard. One thing for sure though is if i keep this sillyness up he will NEVER want to continue to be with me and I will push him far away and lose him in the end. I know it is normal for him to still go on with his life here even though i´m not physically here we are not broken up so i am still a part of his life. He can definitely still laugh and have fun without me, it does not mean he doesn´t miss me or love me…but this doesn´t comfort me enough =( Just the thought of him going out, even if there are no girls around, scares me. It is unrealistic to think he would just go to work go home, go fishing (it is his favorite hobby), take drinks with his brother, play the ps3 and go to sleep… He said he just wants to still live his life even though I'm not next to him but it doesnt mean he will hurt me, and he plans to contact me every day. He gets mad that I dont seem to trust him and that i am thinking for him and thinking of what he would do when he never plan to do anything that would hurt me. im just a mess- Please help me deal with my emotions.

[somuchpain]

Its ok, i feel exactly the same sometimes. If my girl goes out and has fun, im usualy left all alone oceans apart being sad, and it crushes me to thinking she could easily meet another boy, and be fine without me, or one day we wont be together anymore. shes going to a concert at the end of august, all day event, gonna be sat at home with all these anxious thoughts, gona be horrible, as much as i love and trust her, it still scares me when shes out in social situations, plenty of boys to take her away, silly i know but dosnt stop me from thinking it from time to time:(

[somuchpain]

The slightest thought of my girl going out or being around boys ( half of her friends are guys) it crushes me, im sooo jealos of any boy, and its sillyness but i cant help it at all. I cant help be a little worryed, and it sucks to think shes spending time with another boy and having fun, while im sat at home missing her like crazy, with the great thought of her with another boy.

 

I think the best thing for us to do is to keep busy and look at other things we like doing in life thts not involved with our bf or gf. And just try to be confident he/she will come back to you. its very frustrating, i used to be so bad at it, now im alot better, but still worry alot inside, but i know she always come back to me. So just learn to relax, i know its hard. I wish there was some cure for jealosy, but hmm, life is very unfair sometimes. Just have faith and learn to believe he will come back, and even if he gets mad about it, try to talk to him about it in a nicer way, like just say to him, hmm im a little worryed about this and that, and just try to talk to him about it, without him getting upset. I had the same fear tht my gf would leave me one day becuase she would get sick of explaining to me tht shes not leaving. Im sure things will work out, even if you need to be reminded by him everyday tht hes not gonna leave you, thats normal, your in an LDR, and we all need reasurances...

[Lovelymisa]

Thank you so much somuchpain..I know i need to relax and just have faith that whereever he goes, he will come back to me. It is just hard when he emails me that he can't chat with me today due to an old friend coming to town and it makes me wonder if he thinks about me at all when he's with his friends or when he's out having fun.. i think about him way too much, all the time

[Island Girl]

I would put his responsibility where it should be - squarely on HIS shoulders.

 

He is in a relationship with you. He should want to make sure (as much as he can from far away) that you are feeling secure and happy. He should also feel that you could get fed up with him and the distance - that it is a possibility - and therefore he should put in the effort so you KNOW he is putting you first. In a healthy relationship either person could walk if not treated right. That is just a matter of self respect which causes the other person to respect you as well.

 

I was shocked that I read that you feel like you need to be "on your best behavior".

Your relationship will grow and become better only by you being honest and vulnerable to him with how you are feeling. He should be the same way but some men don't do this easily so it takes time.

BUT he should be making you comfortable to share with him no matter what it is. Even if he doesn't like what he hears. It is real. It is YOU. And if he cares about you then he should care about what you have to say.

 

I get the feeling you are at his beck and call. You aren't living your life as he is doing (going out with friends, etc.). You need to. For yourself and the relationship - you need to.

 

If he gets mad at you for your feelings of insecurity (that EVERYONE has) then he just gives you more reason to feel insecure and fake being happy when you aren't and put your relationship in the toilet. Because if you aren't being honest and communicating it will fail. Make no mistake.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd be writing a letter out that spells all of this out for him so he knows exactly what you are talking about. The reasons behind what you say and why you feel as you do. How he can help with that (instead of make things worse) and that you want to be closer to him not pushed away which is all his anger does.

 

I say letter because it is cathartic to write things out. And when he gets it he has to read it. He will get a full download of what you feel, why, and how he can help without an abrupt end to the conversation, a change of topic, or tangents.

 

You can put it out there just the way you want to say it so that it comes across as loving instead of needy. But somewhat disillusioned because of how he has been toward you when you try to open up.

 

In ANY relationship there is give and take. Understanding, compromise, appreciation, and providing for needs are crucial. Right now you have needs that he is not fulfilling. He is not being understanding. He is not compromising. And he is not appreciating you.

 

It sucks. So that needs to change.

[AnnPod]

I think what you feel is a very common thing especially at the beginning of an LDR. This also used to be a huge problem for me (and I have also the Atlantic between me and the person I love ).

 

According my experience, this is a thing you have to clear up with yourself, as tough as that sounds, and your boyfriend can't help you with that so much. I mean you are vulnerable without him, and you are gonna be without him for some time, so you must learn to stick to yourself and to live with that. Anxiety is not a good feeling, and if he would feel exactly like you would not help with that situation either. You must be a strong, smiling, live-loving person, not for being attractive to him, but for yourself. And as a practical advise, meet your friends, go out, have fun, work hard, find things that make you happy. Think of everything you like about yourself, dress pretty, work out, do anything that makes you feel good about yourself. And learn to live with the fact that those anxieties come and go. Don't surpress your negative feelings, but find strategies that make you able to deal with them.

 

And think about yourself: While being without him, do you feel like every guy you meet is a potential danger? So why should it be like that for him with girls?

 

Of course you can talk to him about how you feel, but don't make your communication center around the principles of your relationship all the time. Have fun with him as good as possible, find things that you only share with him, even though you are far. Be strong, and be happy. To overcome insecurity is way harder than to allow them mess up yourself.

[somuchpain]

Thank you so much somuchpain..I know i need to relax and just have faith that whereever he goes, he will come back to me. It is just hard when he emails me that he can't chat with me today due to an old friend coming to town and it makes me wonder if he thinks about me at all when he's with his friends or when he's out having fun.. i think about him way too much, all the time

 

 

Hehe...again im exactly the same. I always think im the one whos constantly thinging of them, wondering when there away if they do actually think of me, its hard, very hard, But as you trust more and more, i just told myself that if she says shes thinking of me, then she is thinking of me, and try so hard to not let my mind slip into worry. Your not alone with all those feelings.

[Lovelymisa]

I would put his responsibility where it should be - squarely on HIS shoulders.

 

He is in a relationship with you. He should want to make sure (as much as he can from far away) that you are feeling secure and happy. He should also feel that you could get fed up with him and the distance - that it is a possibility - and therefore he should put in the effort so you KNOW he is putting you first. In a healthy relationship either person could walk if not treated right. That is just a matter of self respect which causes the other person to respect you as well.

 

I was shocked that I read that you feel like you need to be "on your best behavior".

Your relationship will grow and become better only by you being honest and vulnerable to him with how you are feeling. He should be the same way but some men don't do this easily so it takes time.

BUT he should be making you comfortable to share with him no matter what it is. Even if he doesn't like what he hears. It is real. It is YOU. And if he cares about you then he should care about what you have to say.

 

I get the feeling you are at his beck and call. You aren't living your life as he is doing (going out with friends, etc.). You need to. For yourself and the relationship - you need to.

 

If he gets mad at you for your feelings of insecurity (that EVERYONE has) then he just gives you more reason to feel insecure and fake being happy when you aren't and put your relationship in the toilet. Because if you aren't being honest and communicating it will fail. Make no mistake.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd be writing a letter out that spells all of this out for him so he knows exactly what you are talking about. The reasons behind what you say and why you feel as you do. How he can help with that (instead of make things worse) and that you want to be closer to him not pushed away which is all his anger does.

 

I say letter because it is cathartic to write things out. And when he gets it he has to read it. He will get a full download of what you feel, why, and how he can help without an abrupt end to the conversation, a change of topic, or tangents.

 

You can put it out there just the way you want to say it so that it comes across as loving instead of needy. But somewhat disillusioned because of how he has been toward you when you try to open up.

 

In ANY relationship there is give and take. Understanding, compromise, appreciation, and providing for needs are crucial. Right now you have needs that he is not fulfilling. He is not being understanding. He is not compromising. And he is not appreciating you.

 

It sucks. So that needs to change.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write me such a detailed answer, I appreciate it so much. However I have to admit this is all in my head and all of my issues are my own problems. My bf has been more than patient with me for the duration of time we've been together...ive always had jealousy and trust issues due to past painful relationships. He is running out of patience though as I have my ways of pushing his buttons He has done all of what you had suggested and more but it seems to not ever be enough for me to just fully relax and trust him. Now I have a group of supporting friends, my mother and my bf all on my side trying to help me chase away my fears and insecurities.

 

I know I can do it, I will do it. i will trust my boyfriend finally and no more doubts or what ifs

 

Thank you for your help all

[Island Girl]

Thank you for taking the time to write me such a detailed answer, I appreciate it so much. However I have to admit this is all in my head and all of my issues are my own problems. My bf has been more than patient with me for the duration of time we've been together...ive always had jealousy and trust issues due to past painful relationships. He is running out of patience though as I have my ways of pushing his buttons He has done all of what you had suggested and more but it seems to not ever be enough for me to just fully relax and trust him. Now I have a group of supporting friends, my mother and my bf all on my side trying to help me chase away my fears and insecurities.

 

I know I can do it, I will do it. i will trust my boyfriend finally and no more doubts or what ifs

 

Thank you for your help all

 

I understand what you are saying.

 

But I have been where you are and have come through it. Now I am on the other side both comfortable and confident in my relationship.

 

The feelings you have need to be worked through. If you were insecure while he was with you then he not only knows this about you but he must also know that distance will exacerbate those feelings.

 

Yes they sit on your side of the fence. But they are your feelings and as such should be important to him.

And he CAN help with alleviating them and making it easier for you to work through.

 

If you feel you just have to deal with them alone and not share them with him then that is a problem. You will be doing what is referred to as "stuffing". You will be pushing those feelings down and ignoring them but that will NOT make them go away.

 

In an LDR the most important thing is communication. Open and completely honest communication equals relationship survival.

Acting happy and not showing what you are feeling or thinking will lead to tremendous unhappiness on your side. It will create distance between the two of you. And you will end up feeling like you are walking on egg shells when you DO speak with him.

That isn't healthy for YOU. It is not healthy for the relationship either.

 

How long are you going to be apart?

[Lovelymisa]

Thank you so much IG...I understand everything you are telling me. I am trying my bestest to be as honest to my feelings as I can possibly be. I am communicating with my bf everyday and he has been assuring me to no end...he is really trying on his part to help me. I appreciate him so much.

 

in 10 days we would be 2 months LDR into our 1 year 6 months relationship. We have another 6 months before I make my move over to him and after that we have plans to marry...that is if all goes well and one of us doesn't give up.

 

He told me if we continue to have faith, stay happy and work hard...all the while loving and respecting each other...we will be together for the rest of our days. I am very happy for I know I will NOT give up on this and if hope he really meant it when he said that he wouldn't either.

[Island Girl]

Well only 6 months left and then marriage. You should be feeling pretty confident with those kinds of plans.

 

I wish you the best.