My Parents Will Disown Me If I Marry My Bf-help!!!

[NiCoLe20]

even though this was posted a while back im currently in the same situation....

 

my ethnic backround is mixed (german/polish/italian) and i was born and raised in america and my b/f who is 100% portueguese was born in portugal but raised in america...

 

his parents moved to america 25 yrs ago...they barely speak english and wont even meet me... they dont even want to get the chance to know me... i think thats really rude and ignorant but i cant change the way their traditions are... his mom said ''dont bring no girl in my presence unless its the one you marry'' he doesnt have that good of a relationship w/ them anymore b/c he moved out.. they constantly ruled his life so he got fedup and moved out... if we ever got engaged his parents would never approve so i wouldnt know what to do... probably go to vegas and have a cheap wedding lol why not? as long as we're happy i dont care what my parents or his parents think nonetheless.. if i were you , move out and start your own life...its about that time anyway!! ur parents need to realize you were raised in AMERICA not ur country like them...tell them how things are different now then back in the day... i dont plan on learning to speak portuguese because im not that nationality...i dont want to change who i am to make someone happy... do what makes u smile...dont worry about ur parents..live ur life dont live theirs.

[guest]

Yea, I agree that moving out would make things alot easier, but it still wouldn't fix the problem- which is my parent's mentality! I'm not even asking them to give up their traditions or beliefs for me, but just to open their minds and compromise. My boyfriend wants to learn about my culture, and I will learn to speak spanish so that I can converse with his mother as well. Why is learning something new such a bad thing in my parent's mind? It doesn't mean that I will give up my culture and adopt his, but rather appreciate both equally.

 

It's hard not to be with my serious boyfriend during the holidays, but hopefully things will get better at some point:)

[AZROCK]

Greeting,

I am sorry you are gong through that, your BF does sound like he is a wonderful person, and you sound very nice too...

I want to tell you about my story and give you my advice, I am Arabic, met an American-Indian man and I am engaged to him, my parents hate it, they disowned me and not coming to my wedding.

I am so hurt, and I nkow how hard it is, some people approached me and said "simply, do what you want to do", I wish it was that simple.... Conservative culture do upring their kids in a way that make us feel guilty if we go against their wishes..... I ended up doing what I am doing because I think that living in the United States has opened my eyes to diversity and respecting others... I have learned to enjoy differences between people, and I guess my parents did not get hte pleasure of that expeirience, I know that they want to preserve their culture, but how could we preserve a culture if we don't mingle it with other cultures?

I don't know, I cry about my mother not being there on my wedding day when I am wearing my big fluffy white dress everyday, I want her to be there, and if you are willing to take my route, you have to be really strong to be able to face this... People out there will start judging and giving opinions and overall they will drive you crazy.... so you have to be ready and able to do it...

Take care and good luck,

[guest]

Hi everyone,

I posted a thread about a year or two ago about my hispanic bf and my strict european parents, and I'm happy to report that they FINALLY met him and really like him. It took them 4 years to meet him- and after all the drama, the tears, the threats of disowning me, they have finally admitted that they were wrong. He's away at graduate school right now, so I think the fact that he continued his schooling really helped my parents' acceptance of him. This is no way means that the rest of the extended (prejudiced) family members will welcome him with open arms, but I'm not going to make their racism MY problem. I'm glad I stuck through all the stressful times- because it was worth it to still be with him!

 

AZROCK- how long have you been dating your fiance? Are your parents more worried about the religious aspects of marrying someone who is not Arabic? I know several family friends whose parents had the same reaction when their daughters married outside the faith/culture. BUT, in all cases, even though the parents put their foot down and didn't come to the wedding- things eventually cooled off. My one friend and her parents made up when her first child was born- because her parents wanted to be a part of their grandchildrens' lives. In other cases, time made the parents miss their children and eventually things turned out ok. I know things seem hard now, and everyone is trying to put their two cents in on how to live your life, but remember only you know what's best for you. Good luck and I wish you all the best!

[AmberAriesMom]

To the OP....if you were immature enough to hide the fact that you were dating this man for 3 years -apparently because you KNEW your parents would have a conniption- then I'd guess that part of the reason they are acting as they are now is due to that....they probably still see you as immature and perhaps even a bit rebellious. Water over the dam, but you really should have addressed this issue of dating outside your 'culture' with you parents before it got to a point that you were committed to him. That would have given your parents time to get to know him and see that..if what you say is true...his being of a different culture will not be a problem for your life and theirs.

 

Any time a person has to run and hide to do what they want to, it's just wrong. And in the case of whom a person marries it leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth. It's not that you aren't entitled to marry whom you wish...it's that you sneaked around behind their backs as if they didn't matter to you...and I will go ahead and assume they are the ones paying your way through your PHD? If so, that equates to using them. Since they most likely can't imagine you'd do that on your own, they will place blame on the guy since-in their minds- you changed after he entered your life.

 

I will place blame on him too, as well as on you....if he's such a great guy why didn't he concern himself with meeting your family and trying to fit in?

 

I see two people playing a game of 'my parent's don't own me'...that's immature too. Immature actions = of course they question your decisions. Adult my arse....you're not acting like an adult and neither is he.

 

As for all the advice to not worry about family and just run off with the one you love....shame on you! Blood is thicker than water. You will live to regret losing your family even if they do 'come around' after a while. You will always have to live with the fact that you made them have to sacrifice their values and beliefs in favor of yours....that you USED thier love for you. That's as selfish as what you think they are doing to you.

[DacaInaru]

I'm Spanish/American and was married to a Muslim/Bangladeshie man..

 

it was difficult culturally, unfortunately he was using me.. and I divorced him..

 

however in the process of our dating etc.. he kept me secret from his family.. I don't believe that they know I even exsist to this day.. Although I did send his mother a letter telling her that she need to tell him to leave me alone.. not sure if they ever got it...

 

anyway.. i'm rambling here.. Relationships between two different cultures are very very difficult to maintain... but if you love each other I believe there is a possiblity that it will work out..

 

I for some reason tend to attract Indian/Middle eastern men. but after my experience I won't date them anymore.. I tried to date this one guy.. but he wanted to keep me a secret from his family and I wasn't going to go through the sneaking around bit again..

 

I say follow your heart..just keep in mind that you will run into difficulties.. if your willing to deal with them.. then love is the way to go.

[guest]

First of all, you have no idea how my family works so before deciding that my family runs like yours, you had better listen up. No boyfriend has ever come home and or met my parents. I have two sisters, one who is 23 and the other is 30, and it is understood in my STRICT family, that they do not want to hear about a boyfriend until I am ready to marry him. But I guess, in your opinion, that would make me immature for not dragging my boyfriend into my parents house and making him meet them even though they would be fully against it. I knew doing something like this would only hurt my parents more, and make my parents hate/resent my bf even more for turning me into a "rebellious girl". Whatever I did, I did out of a combined respect for my parents and my relationship. Well, it turned out to be right, in both my opinion and my parents. So please, don't voice your misinformed opinions as my parents' sentiment. My parents DID NOT WANT to know about my dating life, and my boyfriend was patient with their wishes.

 

I suppose you didn't read the post above about how my parents now, after 4 years, really care about and respect my boyfriend and our relationship. So there was no running and hiding; instead there was a respect for my parents and their wishes to not be involved their children's "dating life" until we were certain we have found someone we would wish to marry (I'm not saying I agree with this way of parenting, I'm just saying that I did it out of respect). Trust me, I would have preferred to have had them meet much earlier, but I knew my parents needed some "breaking in" first. As for calling my very patient and respectful boyfriend "immature" for not busting down my parents door and demanding that they accept him, maybe he was just a little bit more aware of the repercussions of such actions. And perhaps he also knew that if he was respectful towards their wishes, and played by their rules, that they would eventually come around. And it looks like he was right. So I guess your point is moot, since had I followed your advice, I would be a lot worse off than I am right now.

 

And excuse me, just for the record, I get paid to get my PhD and do not rely on my parents' finances whatsoever. So to answer your question and comment: NO, my parents do not pay for my PhD, and YES I am getting my PhD on my own. In fact, my parents have a large sum of debt and (although I have my own student loans), I still manage to help my parents pay THEIR debt using part of MY small stipend. My poor, poor parents not only have to deal with a daughter who is respectful of their wishes, but one who helps them pay their bills too. I hope you never have to deal with such horrible children!

 

God Bless.

[trp]

My parents, two sisters, and 4 nieces are my life. However, we have found ourselves in hell. Why? because I am in love with a black man. He is amazing: smart, ambitious, successful, loving, caring, supportive, etc. I was dating him secretly for awhile and decided that I wanted to come clean to my parents. Although they have prejudices against black people because of their cultural norms, I never thought the level of hate was so deep-rooted. My parents expereinced racism by blacks in their home country and all of our extend family feels this way too. For them it is a way of life and apart of who they are. They will support anyone I am with except a black guy. They threathened their lives because the disgrace I am causing them, wanting to move to isolate themselves from my sisters because of me, and are using them to communicate to me the misery they are in. I am also in misery too, but they feel like I don't have that right because I made my choice to fall in love and be with a balck person. They feel like I am selfish because I would go against their views and make them unhappy in exchange for my happiness and what I think is right or wrong. They want to break up and start rebuilding this family that I don't even think exist anymore. They make me feel so guilty for not sharing their views of hate. They think that black people are somewhat below them and have all teh typical racist sterotype. They think I owe them this demand because they have done so much for me. They want to disown me in every sense. They are also getting my sisters to think just like them and that I should end this regardless of it being wrong, against what I believe in, and how amazing my bf is. They said they don't care-all they care about is that he is black and they cannot accept it. Them threathening their lives is what scares me. They basically said that I ruined the remainder of their lives and they don't know how they failed. I am not a failure and have always tried to make them happy, but what they are asking of me is such a big price to show how much I love them. I live away from home and they want me to go for Christmas to say that I broke up with him. I told them I will come home for my nieces, and that we all need to talk. I am scared of what they will do if I don't end things, but I know that the regret of this forced choice will never leave me and I will never love them the same.

For me, it is a lose lose situation; however they want a win win situation with me breaking it off and then working on our family.

[~anon~user~]

i need similar help..im torn in two i dont know who to trust..il try to explain..

im 21 now...i met him when at 18. we are from different foreign cultures but raised in the UK..he is from a very big and backwards pakistani family. up until this situation my parents have been liberal with me mostly...i can marry from any culture, any religion. when i started seeing this guy...my father didnt say much except that "...theres too much cultural difference... his family will never accept you...first love never lasts..hes not good enough for you..he's not the one for you." but i didnt give up because i was head over heels in love and was happy...but after about a year and a half our differences started to show..about the things we want..that i am so different to his very very strict religious family and he didnt know what to do about that. but we still wanted to be together. however...his parents put pressure on him to marry his cousin...it was something that was arranged since he was small...he said he didnt tell me in the beginning because he didnt want to lose me. at this point he felt the choice was to obey his families wishes or to marry me immediately. i felt it was too much pressure to marry immediately.. i was too young i still needed time and wanted to wait until after univeristy...this was combined with our fears about our future of whether we could compromise our wishes and be happy together..so we parted ways and very soon after he formally got engaged to the cousin.

in the time apart i tried to move on..i was ok.. a month later he called and said that he called it off and told his family he didnt want her he wanted me. i regretted having let him go and we got back together for about a year...but this time i did not tell my family because i didnt want interference...he said he told his family that it was over with the other girl but they were still trying to push him because he would shame the family.

we planned our future together..he kept asking reassurance that i was committed to him and that we would marry soon and i would do anything for him....but also we split up many times over the same issues as before about our future and children etc...i decided to make some small sacrifices for things that were important to him as he did for me too and we were fine...he moved out from his familys house because they wouldnt accept that he didnt want his cousin.. so he left them and started to get a job..build a life for us.....

until one day his father phoned me saying his son had married the other girl and i was his peice on the side.....he said many things. i do believe he said these things because the other girl is his cousin and his father has much to lose in pride in the family and community and cant accept that his son wants someone from outside.my parents flipped.. my mother was shocked but she wouldnt listen that as far as i knew it was a brief engagement made to please his family and it was long over. my father could only really say "i told u so and i will kill him if he ever comes near u again." i completely appreciate my parents concern and have tried to see it from their side but from my perspective...he has always been there for me...he never asked me to go against my parents. he left home to be with me. when it came to it though my parents were in a rage and would never ever let me marry him..they say my life will be a mess i wont have a good and happy life because he is not good enough for me and his family dont want me and they will make my life hell. so as it stands now the choice is between staying with my family and moving on...or leaving and having a life with him, but neither his family nor mine will want to know us. so far i have not left home yet because without my family i dont think i can be happy knowing i went against them and despite what has been happening, i wasnt convinced that we will be happy together due to our own differences..up until now we have believed we will get over that because we are prepared to put in the hard work to make the relationship work because we are happy together and love each other so much...but with this family pressure added it has made me unsure if that will be enough..because he will be all i have.

he is hurting so much now that i let him down because he left his family for me and ive not done the same for him and he is saying to me that his father was right..that i dont love him like he loves me. its so complicated... but still i love him soooo much i cant bear to see him in pain and be the one that did it to him. i feel like i can move on and be happy again...but no one will come close to him or ever replace him. before writing this i was so confused but now i reading it back it looks clear i wont be happy with him...but i know in 5 minutes il be in tears again wishing he was back.......im so confused...im sorry for explaining my life story i just want some advice/guidance from an outside source...

[Freyja]

God, its scary how much people are against interracial marriages!!! So many people torn apart between their lovers and parents, its so sick. I myself am in the same damn situation. I've just recently put up a post in coping section about hwo to deal with being disowned by my parents!!

 

I'm an asian girl in UK, my partner is caucasian and omg its so difficult with my parents. Trust me parents from south east asia are the worst when it comes to holding onto their rigid views and cultures to do with marriage.

 

My parents have been ignoring my desire to marry to my partner since they heard about it and they just threathen me that if I do, then they are going to cut all ties with me and just think I'm dead. Its so hurtful, my own parents only think about their poxy culture.

 

Thankfully my partner is wonderful and hes being so supportive, we've been together for nearly 4 yrs and I've told him at the beginning that my parents will cause a scene, so he's been prepared for it. Anyway we've prepared our things and we're ready to take the next step now, I've told my parents they are welcome to come and bless me, and if not... then its not my fault. It was their choice. I feel so angry at them, but still deep down inside me I'm so hurt. I love my parents, I just wish theyd respect my choice.

 

Oh well.

[Woggle]

Does his family accept you? I am sorry to hear that. All that should matter is that you find a person you truly love and are happy with but too many people are still caught up on old prejudices.

[Freyja]

Does his family accept you? I am sorry to hear that. All that should matter is that you find a person you truly love and are happy with but too many people are still caught up on old prejudices.

 

Sorry who is this post to? The orignal or the last poster?

 

If its for me, then yes my partners family are wonderful and really welcome in their family. They know about all the problems I'm having at home and they've been really supportive and always giving ideas in handling my parents.

 

Its really sad because I have evrything layed out for me here, I'm so happy with everything. Unfortunately the only obstacle here are my parents.

[Woggle]

Sorry who is this post to? The orignal or the last poster?

 

If its for me, then yes my partners family are wonderful and really welcome in their family. They know about all the problems I'm having at home and they've been really supportive and always giving ideas in handling my parents.

 

Its really sad because I have evrything layed out for me here, I'm so happy with everything. Unfortunately the only obstacle here are my parents.

 

I was directing the question to you. Have your parents gotten a chance to know him? Maybe he can win them over.

[Freyja]

They haven't met him yet. They completely reject him without ever meeting him. According to them, they are unhappy with this union therefore why even bother meet the man? They are going to reject him anyway. Also funny enough my mum told me once they don't want to meet him, just incase they start liking him!!! They say yes he maybe is good but hes not from our culture and they can't dishonour their bloody clan by accepting him.

 

Even though my partner never made an issue about it, I know hes felt hurt and rejected and I've told my parents how impolite and sick that was. I can't have them treat him like this.

 

I'm gonna have a last chat with mum tonight/tomorrow and see what their final decision is. This is really pissing me off.

 

Oh btw, one of my bro and sis have met him and they really like him, but none of the other family members have ever met him.

[catalyst]

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ControllingParents/

 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Daughters_of_Controlling_Mothers/?yguid=117181037

[Freyja]

I know Catalyst. But its difficult, trust me. Especially in our culture, its so hard and its so emotionally draining. Anyway, I am still doing what I had planned, they are welcome to support me, if not... I guess I can;t wait around for them.

 

I'm trying my best to stick with my decisions.

 

And thanks for the links, I'll have a look.

[mental_traveller]

You have to ask, if the parents think their culture is so amazing, why did they up sticks and move to a different country? The answer in most cases is because of greater freedoms and/or a higher standard of living. So they're quite happy to sell out, abandon, and betray their beloved culture just for some petty cash, whereas they expect you to honour what they didn't.

 

The hypocrisy and dishonour of this sort of behaviour is quite breathtaking. Once again, if you don't like the culture of country X, don't frigging move there you muppets! And if you do compromise your beliefs to emigrate, don't get on your high horse when the children you raise in this other culture start mingling with it - because it's entirely down to your decisions that this is happening!

[amerikajin]

While I may not agree with it, I can partially understand parents disapproving of a marriage on religious grounds.

 

But on racial grounds? In America? Nah, that's just stupid if you ask me (and not taking a swipe at anyone's parents here...there are some people in my family who are just as primitive in their thinking unfortunately).

 

There's nothing more aggravating to me than to meet people who want to move from elsewhere and want to import their racism into a mulitcultural/multiethnic society like ours, and then somehow expect that to be accepted by others.

[Freyja]

I agree it's like hypocrisy, but they came here to earn a better life in terms on financially, I suppose at that time they didn't think about all the consequences.

 

Anyways they're changing, they have no choice.

 

And I am getting married to him. I've set my registration date.

 

Oh and amerikajin, I'm in UK not America.

[Sympathizer]

Freyja, you certainly sound strong-willed and I am sure that will get you far. You mentioned that your background is from South East Asia, maybe its possible to get other folks who have been in your situation to help out? Maybe friends or relatives who have had to make the same choices (between parents or boyfriend/fiance) to talk to your parents. Maybe this will help them see that things can turn out for the better?

 

Am in a similiar situation, although I haven't gone ahead and decided to marry yet, my boyfriend and I know that we want to get married. We are trying to find ways to win over my parents, since neither of us want to take the next step without them. I feel your pain and agony over losing your parents. I hope things work out for the best.