Why doesn't my BF listen to me?

[befuddled1]

Have been dating a guy for a month, he brought up the topic of being exclusive, and we are. Anyway, still getting to know each other, obviously.....I have a concern. When we're talking, I find that if I'm sharing something about my past, my childhood, or anything, really.....he'll just cut me off, he gets easily distracted.

 

For example, tonight we were talking about Christmas. I told him that in the past, there were several years when I lived far away from my immediate family, and due to my work schedule, I often wasn't able to fly home to be with family for Christmas....I therefore spent a fair number of them alone. I was just in mid-sentence, telling him how friends would invite me to spend it with their family but that it just wasn't the same...and out of the blue, he says, "Did you hear that? Is that my phone making that clicking noise??" So then he proceeds to fiddle with his phone, mumbling that it must be his antenna. So when he's done screwing around with his phone and all is working well, does he say something like, "so, you were talking about Christmas and spending it alone..." or whatever you could say to get back to the topic.

 

He does this a lot and I wonder if it's just that he has a short attention span, or is he just so self-absorbed that he couldn't care less what I have to say?

 

Funny thing, when he gets talking about something, he'll go on and on and on.....to the point where my head is actually spinning.......he'll go into such great detail about things from when he was a kid, friends of the family, names of people I don't know/will never know.......and even though I don't know what the hell he's really talking about, I still am polite and listen intently, and when he lets me get a word in edgewise, I'll ask him questions, to show Im interested or because I really AM interested.

 

Or sometimes I'll tell him something, my views on something or whatever.... and the minute I stop to take a breath (well, that's what it feels like), he'll start on about HIS experience or viewpoint........it's not necessarily that he's trying to out-do me (I don't think), but it feels like he's not even listening to anything I have to say, but just can't wait to get his 2 cents in.

 

I've pointed out a couple of times now, where he's cut me off, or obviously wasn't really listening, and he's acknowledged it. But this seems to be a pattern.

 

He talks an awful lot about himself, his family, what he wants in life, him him him......but I sometimes almost feel like he either just likes to hear himself talk, or he couldn't give a crap about what I have to say, unless it's a topic in which he can add his 2 cents.

 

Maybe it doesn't matter WHY he does this, but I guess I'd just like to know what others think about people who are like this. Is it just that they don't have much respect for other people or what others have to say? Are they self absorbed? Or are they just clueless and not very socially adept?

 

Thanks

[xkissesx]

DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO HIM YOU HAVE FEELINGS TOO? lol! i would be totally frustrated if i were you too. I have had the exact opposite in relationships, where guys are too observant, and too intent on converasation. I would stop asking him questions about himself, and see if he feels jipped, and remins him a relationship is based on communication, and if you dont feel like you can get any words out it is not a healthy relationship.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Ask him to try a little exercise with you. Tell him that you will take turns talking for, oh, five minutes, without interruption. Then you will ask the other person to summarize what you said and allow them to ask a question that can lead to another, oh, two minute reply. Then switch. Sounds like debate club, I know, but it may get you back on track and lead to better communication habits.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

When my husband and I were dating (and even after our marriage) we went through the same exact thing!! I use to think something was wrong with me, but I realize he behaves the same way with everyone else he talks with. While I do admire his desire to communicate and interact with others, I try to tell him that listening is just as important, because several times he's talked with people, people have talked back, and he totally missed the point of what they were saying because he was not listening. In the beginning it really pissed me off. But I guess he got tired of me always asking "did you just hear what I said? And if you did, repeat it back to me."

 

To start off with, you can keep your conversations (things you say) brief and to the point with him. Don't give him alot of details, and if he wants more he'll ask for it. Another thing, don't always respond to him when he's talking. You can listen, but hold back from asking him questions because when you always respond back, you encourage him to always talk about himself and not consider other people feelings. So take the stage away from him for awhile. Hope that can help some. Maybe others have suggestions.

[moimeme]

DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO HIM YOU HAVE FEELINGS TOO? lol! i would be totally frustrated if i were you too. I have had the exact opposite in relationships, where guys are too observant, and too intent on converasation.

 

Maybe you people should trade beaux?

 

Befuddled, there are a couple of possibilities. One is that he is self-involved. Another is that he has some lurking disorder. The behaviours you describe are pretty typical of AD/HD, actually. It doesn't mean he has it, but I'd be surprised if he didn't have a disorder. Problems with social interaction tend to go along with disorders.

[Liv'nLearning]

Befuddled....read my posting on emotional refridgerators......

 

I had a very similar experience. Some people who don't like to "feel" anything tend to shut down if you express any intimate thoughts or feelings or ask to have something personal or sentimental from them.

 

Narcisissm comes from low self-esteem. He wants you when he wants you because he needs you to listen and make him feel important. What he doesn't want it appears, is something two-way.

 

I would cut him short the next time he rambles......or not answer the phone so much. Watch him chase you.....problem is.....these people rarely change because you are asking them to look inside and that might be a tall order for some.

 

Just a thought.

[HokeyReligions]

I think this is a serious conversation you should have with him.

 

The listen, reword, repeat communication exercise is widely used because it works.

 

As for him jumping in to add his 2-cents - at least at that point he is lisetning to you if what he has to say is in reference to the conversation topic at the time! That could be a way to introduce the conversation techniques - by starting with a positive.

 

You also might want to write him a letter. Be brief, but he can at least read it in his own time. Or maybe even print out the thread here.

 

Obvioulsy you care for him - but communication problems can and do break up relationships no matter how much you care for each other.

 

I did have to chuckle a little bit. My husband and I tune each other out so often. He was rattling on about computer stuff the other day when we were driving. He must have been talking for 45 minutes straight. I was looking out the window and mumbling "yes" "uh huh" etc. whenever he paused for a few seconds. then I heard the word "dollars" and I looked at him and said "what did you say?" I did not hear a word he said until he mentioned dollars! We had a good laugh about it. I've also been known to throw things at him when I've been talking and he's has not been listening to me! Sometimes I will stand there and ask him "what did I just say?" and he won't know. Sometimes he will start talking about something and I just cut to the chase and ask him how much!

[Frodo]

what's going on is he's looking at the conversation as an exchange.

 

For example, you'll say, "I hate strawberry ice cream"

he will then reply, "Oh, I don't hate strawberry, but I'm a chocolate man now."

 

You'll then get pissed off because you wanted him to empathize and say something like,

"Oh my, it must be very difficult for you, given that there are so many strawberry lovers in the world."

 

But he is listening. Otherwise he wouldn't have replied. The difference is that he sees it as trading information. A lot of people have this communicative style, both men and women. You've just give him your perspective, so he's replying with his.

 

When you want empathy, you'll probably do better if you flat out ask for it.

[LauraD]

My current boyfriend sounds like this guy. It's really annoying. I love my occasional comments being lost to the wind, as he quickly resumes his own self-absorbed rant.

 

All I can say is, communication styles are a difficult thing to tailor to each other's needs. I'm a caring, patient type of woman. So, I listen. And I listen some more. There comes a point where it becomes ridiculous. I'm not here to stroke someone's ego who cannot step out and embrace someone else's feelings or opinions. In my opinion, this sort of disregard for another's often heartfelt and personal attempts at self-disclosure has no excuse. I, for one, am completely sick of trying to analyze and figure out selfish behavior. Why the heck is he talking so much about himself, and ignoring everything I have to say?? Answer: who gives a ****. Why make time to decipher someone else's selfishness? How stupid. I know my life is passing too quickly to care. I say, we both should put our energies into either A. Finding someone who listens to us and likes to hear our side because gee they are interested in us OR B. Finding out that we just do not need to waste our time being sweet and nurturing little mommies to our selfish "significant others."

[Liv'nLearning]

It's true...love can sometimes be blind.

 

Not only did my ex too ramble on and on about minutae..but he would never ask me direction questions about anything really. I would jump into the conversation and then feel like I was pushing my way in..I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to appear to pry but I said it made me feel uninteresting.

 

He would remember all that I have said in the past which was great but heh.....a little two-way is normal no?

 

LauraD is right....who needs it? Although we are no longer together and it still hurts....I don't miss the cut-offs.....non-queries...and incessant boring conversations about his day, his career, his meals, his dog, his health, his family, his wants, hopes, disappointments and right at the end of the conversation, just before he hangs up...."Oh yeah, how are you?" right before saying the dreaded "so" which signified end of conversation. NOW.

 

NEXT........

[acretinmelon]

Ohmygosh, he sounds like my exboyfriend. I used to have to YELL AND SCREAM to get his attention, literally. He would be like, tying his shoes or staring out the window or reading something, and if I just needed to ask a quick question, sometimes I would have to SCREAM his name or shake him just to get his attention. And then when I was talking he would cut me off ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I would stop talking midsentence just to see if he was listening, hoping he would ask me to continue. He never did.

 

He also never bought me a birthday present, Christmas present, or anniversary present. He cleaned our apartment ONCE in all the time we lived together. He never cooked dinner. I can count the compliments he gave me on one hand.

 

In short: if your boyfriend is inconsiderate in conversation, it will likely carry over to other areas. Just a word of caution.

[mintjulep]

My boyfriend is definitely like that sometimes. He's not very self-absorbed, so I can't relate on those terms, but I also know he had ADHD as a child. He was on ritalin, and his grades suffered immensely, even though he's incredibly intelligent, which I think was also his problem - he thought on a different plane, so sometimes his brain just had a hard time focusing on one thing. He still acts like what I can only assume is that child sometimes. I've learned to go with it. Sometimes I'm sharp with him, and I'll tell him that he wasn't paying attention to me, or I'll give him that pouty face so that he knows he hurt me, but then I just keep talking. If he butts in, I give him an exasparated look and when he's over, I just pretend he hasn't spoken. When I've finished saying my piece, I address what he's said. That said, it can take a lot of patience (that I don't really always have, but I love him, so I "cope" lol ) Moimeme has a good point though, it may certainly be a social disorder, which he can either look into getting treated, or you can try to "deal" with it in a similar way that I do, or even in your own creative way.

[moimeme]

60% of children with ADHD have symptoms through adulthood. Some researchers are estimating the number may be as high as 80%.