Making the Transition, or Making the Horse Drink....

[WTRanger]

You know that old adage, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink? I think that applies here.

 

Long story short, I've known this girl for about a year and it has been strange since day one. Strange in a good way, mostly. We got really close, for about 2 months straight we spent practically every day together. Then the economic crunch hit, and we were both caught up in layoffs and that's when things got strange.

 

So in Feb of this year, I couldn't take my building feelings anymore and just laid them out on the table, even though she said she wasn't ready for that kind of talk. She didn't deny me, she didn't say yes, she really didn't say anything. She just told me she needed time to "process" and that I should not back her into a corner wanting answers or else the conversation would be short and mean. So I did. I later heard through a mutual friend that when asked about a potential relationship with me that she said she, "Wouldn't rule me out." Whatever that means. I'm pretty sure I know what it's supposed to mean.

 

Around April things changed even more, we were stating to re-connect and I had to make the move across the country due to my lay-off. So now that I'm farther away, I decided to really put effort into re-connecting and we have. She's even told me not to use the normal email that I'd use and use her super-secret personal one so we can chat during the day.

 

And we're up to now and I can feel the same feelings creeping back in. So it's no question that I'm going to tell her. At this point I don't care if I go down in flames, I'm tired of being conflicted, of wondering, of pondering, of over-thinking, etc. I'm done, I want to know some answers or even the truth. Even if it's the brutal truth, I'm sick of limbo for 5-6 months. I'm going up a freaking wall over here and I'm thinking about her waaaayy too much.

 

I'm sure she's aware of where my feelings are, I've told her a few times in the past few months that I'm not sure I'm really over her fully. She does what she usually does when she's confronted with that, she shuts down and either answers in a round about way or just blatantly ignores the question.

 

We started to talk about visiting each other, we made some progress and now she ducks the issue. Shoot, she's even ducking the question if she'd be interested in playing in my fantasy football league this year, which is strange. Yet, every time I chat with her she always responds and she'll answer most of my questions, so it's not like she's outright trying to ignore me. Just selectively and it's making me insane.

 

I'm going to wait until September to do this, as that's when things pick up for me so when this goes down in flames I'll have something else to do to keep my mind off of it. But it is going to happen, and she'll know that no response is still a response. I care about her and I want to become more than friends, even with the distance. I also wouldn't mind being just friends with the distance, because at least I don't have to physically see her with some other choad if she finds one. But, dammit, I just want to know!

 

So the question is, do you:

A) warn them before and say you are going to call

or

B) do you just call them and say, "Hey! Guess what! I think I've fallen for you again! Well, not again as since we never really figured things out back then the feelings never really went away."

 

Yes, I am going to call. This thing can't be done over email. I've made the mistake before. I can think of some advantages to preparing them for a big and probably emotional topic like this. But at the same time I can also see some advantages to just sort of springing it on her. This topic has become the number one thing on my mind and it has to stop. I'm really just looking for some direction with her. If she refuses to talk, then I'll exactly what direction I'm headed and how fast I'm headed there. That is, far away from here and fast as greased lighting.

[Ronni_W]

Yeah...I think you have nothing to lose by warning her. You could use your previous experience/conversation as a lead-in...that you do not wish a "short and mean" conversation, but your self-worth and self-esteem are such that you believe you do deserve some truthful answers from her.

 

To facilitate her open and direct response, you could also mention that you've already reached a 90% (or whatever) conclusion that she's not interested in developing a romantic relationship with you, and you're totally prepared for that. But you still would like/prefer to hear it from her rather than make assumptions about what she is or isn't thinking and feeling.

 

She just told me she needed time to "process" and that I should not back her into a corner wanting answers or else the conversation would be short and mean.

[WTRanger]

Thanks Ronni. I tend to agree with you about giving her fair warning. That way the conversation isn't viewed as an attack or an inquisition. Because it's not. I'm just tired of being in limbo and stuck in my own head and I would really like some answers from her. I understand that she might be under duress in her life, but she has to understand that there are two of us in this. This isn't about her or just about me, it's about us.

 

I'm not looking forward to it. But it must be done.

[Dolos]

I'm going to go with the different route, i say dont warn her, just call her, and flat out ask. She seems to like dissembling whenever you try and talk to her about this, so your best bet is catching her off guard. If you warn her all you're doing is allowing her time to dodge the conversation or formulate some kind of response, by forcing her to shoot from the hip you're more likely to get the truth, at least in my opinion.Both ways clearly have advantages and disadvantages, but like i said, i think you're more likely to get the truth by just asking.

 

 

Though as a final thought, i think a lot of it depends on what kind of person she is. I may have a somewhat cynical view because most of the women im friends with, given time to prepare for something like this, would probably get whatever they wanted from the guy confronting them, regardless of the truth. (Ive seen it a few times, all i can think is "Oh you poor bastard") You would know better than me whether shes the manipulative type, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

[WTRanger]

You bring up a good point Dolos. I don't think she is a very manipulative person. She has always been honest with me and up to that point in our time together she had never done anything to say that I couldn't trust her word. However, that doesn't really mean much as I'd only known her for about 5 months at that point.

 

I will say this. She's more likely to fall apart if she's backed into a corner. But, you do bring up so very good points about just shooting from the hip. It's raw, unprepared response. Which should be the best. Right?

 

I was thinking over the weekend to start doing a series of feints and jabs with her in the next few weeks. I'm going to increase the contact, start calling her again and turn up the flirting over chat during the day. It's sort of a recon by fire, to see where she's at and what's the best way to proceed. Plus if I'm going to just talk to her about this out of the blue, it'll make a little more sense if I've reestablished that we are talking again over the phone and not just limited to email, text and chat. Get that personal connection back online and go from there.

 

The biggest key for me is to not to dwell on this. I can't build this up in my head and I have to be prepared for the worst. I'm aware of the worst, but I need to be mentally prepared for it to happen.

[Charles1978]

Around April things changed even more, we were stating to re-connect and I had to make the move across the country due to my lay-off. So now that I'm farther away, I decided to really put effort into re-connecting and we have.

 

Ok, a couple things here... How far away did you move? You have to consider the possibility that she is continuing and stepping up the contact with you because she percieves the situation differently now. What I mean by that is if you have moved hundreds of miles away, she sees no possibility of a relationship, assumes you feel the same. So she isn't threatened anymore by any possible awkward moves on your part.

 

Second, what do you expect to happen under the best of circumstances? You two live far apart, which has decreased the chances of her being receptive. I don't see there being a happy ending here unfortunately.

 

I know it is probably tough being in a new place, not knowing very many people, etc. And this might be pushing you back to her, but if I were you, I would fight through it and find someone else. There is just too much working against you at this point, IMO. I would never tell you not to try... because you have nothing to lose. But just think about it carefully before you do anything.

[WTRanger]

Charles,

 

I'm fairly far away, over 2,000 miles. However, before I had left and even after I was settled here we had talked on and off about her coming out with me in the future. She was looking to try new things and experience a new state before she really got into the swing of being and adult. Sort of like what I did when I moved out to the West Coast, not knowing a soul and only have a job offer. It was a way to experience new things before I was trapped in really being and adult. IE, wife, girlfriends, kids, home, dog, etc. Obviously a move like that isn't an overnight decision, so we were just going day by day.

 

To be honest, the best case scenario would be where I just get the damn truth. However brutal it may be. Which is why I decided that before I go all in, I'll see how receptive she would be to just a simple phone call. Not about the big things, but just as a way to catch up outside of a email or chat environment.

[WTRanger]

As you know from my previous posts, I decided to take a jab at her. I knew yesterday would be a good day to try this out. I let her know I was going to call her at night and that if she was still busy or whatnot to let me know before I call. So the time comes to call, I didn't hear anything from her. So I call. Low and behold I get her voice mail. I leave a simple message to call me back, and as you can guess, she never called back. So I guess I have my final answer now. No text, no return call, no reply to the email. Nothing. Yet, the week before we were talking every day. If she's playing hot and cold, I'm walking away even faster.

 

There is nothing left to do but delete her from my life. I'm really angry about the whole thing still. Part of me wants to direct that anger directly onto her spineless back. But if I do that, that gives her the green light to make me the bad guy. When I just fade away, even though she'll probably spout some made up story about me, deep down when she's all alone she'll know why I really left. I hope it eats her alive.

 

I know I've got a long way to go to get rid of her from my life. I've deleted her texts, emails and pictures from my computer and phone. There were a few group pictures and very personal emails that she sent me that I saved and burned to a DVD that I've handed over to a very close female friend of mine. This person knows me better than most and won't let me even see the DVD until she thinks I'm 100% over her. So I have nothing in my place of her's that I can look at in a fit of self pity. Which I know is on a fast track into my emotions right now.

 

I'm just astounded. A simple phone call to return. How f*cking hard is that?!?!?!?!?!?! I don't get people.

[banser123]

Im sorry, I know how you feel. let me ask you, how long has it been since you left the message. Maybe for some reason she doesnt want to call back right away.

[WTRanger]

Im sorry, I know how you feel. let me ask you, how long has it been since you left the message. Maybe for some reason she doesnt want to call back right away.

 

It's been since last night. I've known her long enough to know that if she doesn't return your message, whether it's text, email, vm, etc within a few hours that you'll never hear from her on the subject. This reminds me of Die Hard III, when all John McClain had to do was return the damn phone call to his wife. It's a simple action. We all know how hard it is to hit return call, on the cell phone.

 

At this point it's not even worth confronting her on why she didn't respond. It'll go nowhere. She'll claim she was busy, which is bullspit. We're all busy. If you honestly care about someone, you can take the 3 minutes and respond. I've dealt with a lot of hard times this year, yet I always found time to get in contact with her here and there. But it was becuase I cared about her. No more.

 

I don't want to and refuse to hold onto hope at this point. There is a fine line between hope being the best of things and helping you get through a rough spot and hope driving you insane. You have to be aware of what side of the line you are on. Anyone care to guess where I'm at?

 

There is an epic battle going on between my head and my heart. My heart is saying that it's a stupid reason to completely end a friendship over a missed phone call. Yet my head is saying, "Wake up a**hole! How many more times is she going to show you that this is who she really is before you get it?"

 

Perhaps I should email her the defination of reciprocation? I doubt she knows how to spell it, much less what it means.

[Dolos]

Well, at least now you have an answer, even if it wasn't the one you wanted. Seems pretty cowardly of her to just totally dodge you, the least she could have done is told you she wasn't interested. You probably already know this, but shes going to try and talk to you again. I imagine she will wait a few days, then text or email you about something totally innocuous and pretend as if nothing happened, that's when the hard part starts, once she realizes you're ignoring her don't expect her to react well.

[Charles1978]

Yeah, the only way you'll get anywhere with this one is to ignore her. Just go on with your life. The shady behavior by her, coupled with the long distance has given you an opportunity to realize what she is all about. So take this opportunity to do your best to move on, meet someone better, and go on with your life. Believe me, there are much better ones out there. Good luck!

[WTRanger]

I didn't have to wait too long, she sent me an email this morning saying that she just checked her voice mail, that she was busy, blah blah blah. I responded saying that I do not accept her "apology" and will only accept a verbal apology by her returning the phone call. I don't think that's too wild of a request. She tried to blame everyone else for her action or inaction which is total bullspit. She refuses to take responsibility.

 

The fact is, if I had cold called her I would be more forgiving. But I had also emailed her early that day stating I would call her at night. Which made it much more convenient for her not to check her voice mail for a few days. It all adds up to her excuses.

 

It all adds up and I'm finally seeing the light. If, and that's a big IF, she calls to apologize I'll accept it. However, I'm finally and painfully aware that this is a 99% to 1% kind of deal. And 1% is giving her a generous portion.

 

I'm going to take 30 days off of her with no contact so sort my head out, even if she calls. I need time away. This will also give me time to start knocking her down off my priority list to somewhere near the area she has me on her list. Which is to say, not even on the page. After 30 days, if I need more time then it'll be 60 days and so on.

 

Fact this, this broad is a flake and I should have seen this all the way back in February of this year.