zoe1983 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 ok so I cant decide if I am overreacting or ignoring a red flag. Growing up my fiancé's father was violent. Not only did he hit him and his brother a lot but if one of them did something he considered wrong he would destroy things. Either punching a hole in the wall or breaking their toys...One christmas he got pissed off and broke every single toy that him and his brother got for christmas. Fast forward to now....my fiance has never ever even come close to hurting me physically. In fact 98 percent of the time he is very sweet and very gentle. However, when he gets really mad he tends to hit things....either a wall or a door or whatever. I call these his "tantrums" and it really drives me nuts. I grew up in a very calm not yelling atmosphere and so this makes it even worse. He refuses to go to counseling because his parents tried to force him into counseling when he was younger for his ADD and they really messed with him and forced him to take meds that messed with his head. So like I said...he has never come even remotely close to hurting me physically but i guess it scares me when he hits things. Is this a big deal or just something that men do!?! I have no fear whatsoever that he will ever physically hurt me but I am afraid what will happen when we have children and they see his father hit things. I am just afraid that they will be afraid....but then again my father is extremely calm so its hard for me to judge... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Hey Zoe. No, hitting things is not "just something that men do." But it is a negative "coping" strategy that some children learn to do, by observing their parent(s). Your fiancé's belief-decision to not seek help for his lack of control when he gets angry because of what happened to him in/through counseling as a child is...immature and unwise. There's also no logic to it because EVERYTHING has changed -- HE is an adult now; he'll have a 100% say throughout the course of his therapy/treatment; it won't be the same counselor/therapist; and it won't be the same type of therapy/treatment. If he doesn't want to get into the whole digging up of family-of-origin crap, then you could suggest that he attend anger management-specific workshops, courses, group therapy, etc. Also cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) more focuses on resolving current-day issues. It sounds as if you are concerned, and that isn't "over-reacting" in my opinion. In your shoes, I'd also want a partner who can better manage his/her feelings of upset, anger, frustration and disappointment than physically lashing out. To me, it is reasonable for you to want to encourage and support him to develop more effective coping skills for life's inevitable obstacles, challenges and 'low times'. Also so that he'll be able to role-model that kind of behaviour for any kids that you'll have in the future. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zoe1983 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Share Posted August 1, 2009 Thanks Ronnie for your reply! It actually gives me hope because sometimes I feel like my fiance thinks that this is the way he is and there is nothing he can do about it. I know you shouldn't marry someone expecting them to change so that is why i am a bit nervous. However he has expressed on numerous occasions that he hates the way he acts when he is mad and it reminds him of his father which he really hates. The only thing that sucks is that he has really crappy insurance till we are married so he will probably have to wait to get help till after we are married... Link to post Share on other sites
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