myway4077 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 can anyone please explain what and how to do a 180. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 As stoopid (mis-spelled to emphasize the stupidity) as this might sound, reverse psychology is the best bet when dealing with an issue like this. It really is that simple and stupid...want her back? Act like this doesn't bother you. Want to show her love? Don't. She doesn't have the butterflies? YOU have to play hard to get. For whatever reason, a huge portion of the population seems to not have left high school. Relationships, for them, need to have drama and conflict and power struggles. Settling down, having comfortable routines makes them feel like they've given up on life. I have done a lot of reading about this over the last few months, and have come to the conclusion that since men and women speak completely different languages, the only way we truly know how to communicate is through tension and struggle and hurting each other. It is sick, it is sad, but it is the truth. I'll give you a piece of advice, picked up from a man named Homer McDonald (great name, right?): Learn to understand the difference between your WANTS and your NEEDS. You need food, shelter, clothing, and to take care of your children. You WANT to play footsie, you WANT to tell her you love her, you WANT your marriage to work. But you DO NOT NEED IT. Let me say that again, YOU DO NOT NEED IT. Confusing our wants (desires) for our needs is the root of all of our suffering -- this is a very eastern philosophy, but there are also the seeds of this train of thought in Christianity. So, the path through this for you is to really sit and understand that your NEEDS are being met, and your desires are what are killing you. Once that distinction is being made, it is easier to accept the reality -- you cannot control the outcome, you can only go along for the ride. The best part of this terrible situation is that you actually have the power to influence the outcome, not control it, but influence it by watching your behavior, settling down a bit, agreeing with what she says and wants, and reverse psychology-ing the hell out of her. The 180 where you start to work on yourself also drums up a lot of interest from her, too. Trust me, I just blew this one out of the water, because I didn't understand it soon enough. Lupa Its not that the 180's always work? Its that its about the only thing that does work when you have a walk-away spouse. That and its helps one to move on and forward with their lives if they don't come back. Google Marriagebuilders, DivorceBusting (Especially the short article about WAW (Walk-away-Wives) Link to post Share on other sites
lastout_82 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 i started the 180 about 7 days ago. i could notice a difference in a few days. little ones but it was there. then i found out some other things that i guess i shouldnt of. but anywho im still on top of it. Example. Today i droped off the other house keys to her at work. didnt say much, walked in walked to her handed her keys walk out. 10 feet from my car got stoped by her. could already see difference. asked me were i was going, when will i come back whats going on stuff like taht. i gave her the infamous shoulder shrug. started my car said ill call the kids. Drove off. I can see how it will work. But it will take time none the less. And it is not easy. It is hard and will be hard. But worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Basically your dealing with a WAW, and you can't tell your changing / changed, she's got to see that for herself. The 180's are as much for you, as they are for her or in reconciling. http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm You may want to check out the following books: http://www.divorcebusting.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=502&Category_Code=B&Product_Count=0 and http://www.divorcebusting.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=503&Category_Code=B&Product_Count=2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Stop caring whether she wants you or not and focus on your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Share Posted August 2, 2009 Thank you i will look into these books. But it seems as though they are for people whoa re still married. We are in the process of divorce and am just trying to find a away to reconcile. Thank you and God bless Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Share Posted August 2, 2009 I have to care i want to get my family back. Its not as simple when there kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Thank you i will look into these books. But it seems as though they are for people whoa re still married. We are in the process of divorce and am just trying to find a away to reconcile. Thank you and God bless When it comes to this there really aren't any rules. But for most of us? We got into this mess because with lacked the necessary prerequisite knowledge, experience and skill set that we needed to make it work in the first place. Most reconciliations don't last, because nothing has fundamentally changed. If you have any chance at a reconciliation you have to re-invent your thinking about relationships, marriage, etc. To do that you need new knowledge that you didn't have before. And, a new skill set. One of the books I listed is about making those changes in yourself, so you don't repeat the mistakes of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
JLoves Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 I started doing 180 today as I finally re-found Gunny's post with the details in it. (link) After the kids are gone to bed I'm going to walk out the door and go to see a movie I booked tickets for. I've not said anything other than checking W wasn't going out. I just had a thought though. Even though she has ILYB we still make love to each other occasionally. (ok, I suspect it's more the 'Friend with Bonus' kind). Does doing 180 mean I have to stop that? (or at least stop initiating it, I usually do) I suspect I'm soon to be very frustrated myway4077: I have the same problem.. Kids are involved.. I have to communicate with W about them. All the more reason to try 180 properly this time instead of walking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Gunny, thank you. I know in my heart if i was givin the chances i would be a totally different person. She says she is a different person know and if she gives another chances she will find ways to make it hard for me. Some times i feel like giving it my all but when we talk we have great talk and it feel i should not give up but then we have conversations were she tells me to move on and find somebody else. We have been apart a year but it feels like its been forever. I have read in other threads that i should pay attention to her actions and not her words, is this true? Thank you and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Jlove thanks for the reply. I think the hardest thing is the kids if it wasn't for them i don't i would have a problem moving on. Don't get me wrong i still love my wife and will do anything to get her back but its difficult for me because of the kids. Thank you and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 I started doing 180 today as I finally re-found Gunny's post with the details in it. (link) After the kids are gone to bed I'm going to walk out the door and go to see a movie I booked tickets for. I've not said anything other than checking W wasn't going out. I just had a thought though. Even though she has ILYB we still make love to each other occasionally. (OK, I suspect it's more the 'Friend with Bonus' kind). Does doing 180 mean I have to stop that? (or at least stop initiating it, I usually do) I suspect I'm soon to be very frustrated myway4077: I have the same problem.. Kids are involved.. I have to communicate with W about them. All the more reason to try 180 properly this time instead of walking. Ultimately with your being the 'man on the ground' your going to have to make that call. The main purpose of the 180's are to build (re-build) attraction, and in the case of their being an OM/OW to provide the spouse with an attractive alternative, while not becoimg a supplicating, whining, begging type "beta' type individual. Your subtlety saying (by action) that 'life will go on' with our without you. That your a positive, optimistic type individual who can take any and everything that life throws at you. Your trying to convey the message that there's neither negative nor overly positive emotions involved from your standpoint. (That is that your not overly over optimistic. Getting back to your question ~ ultimately you should be making conversation and not love, and with that you should do so without walking on eggshells waiting for other shoe to drop in a silent room. With that? Comes starting a dialogue ~ not just about your differences and your troubles, but about your relationship as a whole. And that required a little something I like to call ~ listening. Really listening! The reason most us ended up in this mess to begin with? Is because communication problems. Or a lack there of. In her Dr. Ellen Kriedman's book "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy!" She advocates coming home and spending the first twenty to thirty minutes scurrying off the children to be and stay occupied for that amount of time. And just sitting and talking as though your were having a cup of coffee with a good friend. Don't necessarily spend this time discussing your problems in the marriage ~ just sit and talk about your day ~ did I mention listening? The good Lord gave us one mouth and two ears, so I would assume that we're suppose to listen twice as much as we speak? All so during this time? Turn off the radio, turn off the phones, turn off the tv and get rid of any other outside distraction. Maybe work on getting supper ready or doing something else together. Since your still having sex, why not initiate just the foreplay part, and leave the actual sex part out of it, concentrating on building attraction anticipation ~ women love anticipation! There's a reason Carly Simon wrote a song about it! Kissing? Instead of doing so to initiate sex? Kiss her for one solid minute ~ but not French Kissing ~ kiss her ~ pull away, look into her eyes, cup her face into your eyes and kiss her again. Repeat! Don't screw it up by opening your mouth and saying something. Just do it and walk away. Show and demonstrate self control and self restraint. You want to make her feel wanted, needed, desired ~ not like your very own personal sperm depository. If your still communicating? You've got a chance. Especially if she's still all over you, nagging you, bitching and complaining? Because she's trying to communicate to you what she needs from you! What kind of husband she wants and needs you to be and become? She's been telling you from the beginning! You've just not been listening to her, which is why she's cold and in-different to anything you say or do about changing now after years upon years of her telling you what she's been wanting and needing. She's going to test you to see if the changes are for real and permanent? Its goes part and parcel with being married. That's just the way women are. Accept it and deal with it. Any self help books you read ~ keep them to yourself. You might want to read Eric Weber's and Steven S Simrings, MD book "How To Win Back The One You Love" Women generally speak using 'in-direct' language, while men generally speak using 'direct language, (Say what you mean and mean what you say!) You might want to read up on cross gender communication with such books as "GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand" But the big one? Is a good book on body language. 98% of communication is conveyed through body language. Body language is a BIG deal with women. Men generally don't have a clue! Remember! Human retention is only about 20% ~ which is to say that if you read something, learn something new, experience something new? Your going to have to go back through it five time to achieve full or as close to full retention as possible. For most people? It takes about five years to become really good at something and about ten years to master it. Most people in the 'Western World' believe that so called 'positive reinforcement' is the best teacher, when its more a case of 'pain avoidance' that is the most effective teacher. That's what your going through right now! If you keep doing what you've been doing ~ your going to keep getting the same thing you've been getting! Or to put it another way? One of the definitions of insanity is to keep doing the same thing you've been doing, while expecting different results? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Gunny, thank you. I know in my heart if i was givin the chances i would be a totally different person. She says she is a different person know and if she gives another chances she will find ways to make it hard for me. Some times i feel like giving it my all but when we talk we have great talk and it feel i should not give up but then we have conversations were she tells me to move on and find somebody else. We have been apart a year but it feels like its been forever. I have read in other threads that i should pay attention to her actions and not her words, is this true? Thank you and God bless. I'm going to try and be as gentle in this as I can? But understand that you and I come not only different backgrounds, life experiences and such? And I completly understand that you've turned to your faith in dealing with the pain of your divorce? Got that! Loud and clear! But,.............................. Yes pay more attention to her actions than to her words. She's going to test you, and test you, and test you again. And if you and she reconcile? She's going to test you forever the rest of your life! That's women for ya! Learn to accept it and deal with it! Wheather its her or any other woman! Having gone through what your going through now? The amount of time, effort, energy and money you will invest in getting this one back? Will net you ten or more others? I understand! You have children together! That makes it all the more harder! Trust me on this one! I know! Link to post Share on other sites
JLoves Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Thanks for the good words Gunny. (sorry for hijacking your thread myway4077) My problem is that W has gone off having any conversations regarding our relationship. I'll have to make do with small talk and work up again somehow. Does this goes against No 15 though? 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words Or is 15 to remind you to keep your mouth shut. If your still communicating? You've got a chance. Especially if she's still all over you, nagging you, bitching and complaining? I'd love it if she was, but she has given up doing that a long time ago. Any self help books you read ~ keep them to yourself. This is important.. I have already learnt it the hard way. Tried the kissing bit for a laugh. May have opened my mouth to early and responded to the question she asked. Will try again another day. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Its not that the 180's always work? Its that its about the only thing that does work when you have a walk-away spouse. That and its helps one to move on and forward with their lives if they don't come back. Google Marriagebuilders, DivorceBusting (Especially the short article about WAW (Walk-away-Wives) I'm a mid 40's woman here in a unhappy relationship and find this thread fascinating. My BF never seeks out answers for his troubles, but I suspect he may have discovered this 180 thing. I agree with most of this but not with this part "It really is that simple and stupid...want her back? Act like this doesn't bother you. Want to show her love? Don't. She doesn't have the butterflies? YOU have to play hard to get". He has started to do this to me and I can tell you, it's the biggest turn off. It actually makes me emotionally turn off from him more. If he would show me love and act like SOMETHING bothers him, I would feel MUCH closer to him. He does this and I dislike him A WHOLE lot! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 I'm a mid 40's woman here in a unhappy relationship and find this thread fascinating. My BF never seeks out answers for his troubles, but I suspect he may have discovered this 180 thing. I agree with most of this but not with this part "It really is that simple and stupid...want her back? Act like this doesn't bother you. Want to show her love? Don't. She doesn't have the butterflies? YOU have to play hard to get". He has started to do this to me and I can tell you, it's the biggest turn off. It actually makes me emotionally turn off from him more. If he would show me love and act like SOMETHING bothers him, I would feel MUCH closer to him. He does this and I dislike him A WHOLE lot! It shouid be noted that all of this? Should be utilized with an "adapt, improvise and over-come" ~ along with an "if you keep doing what you've been doing ~ you'll keep getting what you've been getting" type mentality. That is to say you have to consider that your the one on the ground and in-country, your the one in the relationship, your the one who knows the other person the best, their background, their family history etc. You got to take it and improvise and adapt ~ sometimes on a daily basis tailored to the individual and to the your own individual situation. What works one day won't work the next. In the end? All you can really do is "Identify daily your weaknesses and seek self improvement" ~ and wait and see what may come about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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