How to deal with semi-abusive parents?

[Dooda]

Hi,

I'm honestly starting to think that my parents are abusive because I simply cannot deal with them anymore. Anytime I will ever try and prove my point to them, they will simply put me down and belittle me as much as they can until I will give in or the argument will mount to a complete catastrophe from which no one, and certainly I, don't quickly recover.

 

This never used to bother me much, and I simply thought we never got along and it was normal of parents to be like this with some children. However, in the past couple of years I have started developping serious anxiety, and now it has come to a point where I am finding myself unable to cope with my life and the people around me. I am socially unable to relate with people, and am unable to simply be myself without having irrational fears that people don't like me, or they will find me boring, or too irritable. I have severe depersonalisation and derealisation, to the point where my emotions seem locked away in another chamber far away from myself. I don't enjoy anything anymore, even with close friends and relatives.

 

I have done all what they have wanted for the most part of my life. I have completed my high school degree and am now entering law, which is exactly what my parents want me to do and believe is the best route for me to take in life.

 

In the last few years of my high school, I started failing and falling back severly on all levels because of my 'problem', and no one would understand what I was going through. I would tell them a few times, but as usual, they would simply belittle what I had to say and the end result was that my thoughts meant nothing.

 

That's why they sent me to military school, where I was treated like a misfit runt to no end, and was constantly told that it was for my better good, as well that if I was unable to cope with the people around me, it was that I was socially inept and it was my fault rather than the inconsiderate guiltless fools around me.

 

Over that year, my condition got alot worst, and that is when I started feeling completely blocked off from the world, mentally and emotionally.

After that, I have now been forced to go University for Law in exactly the university my parents want me to go. My alternate solution is to simply leave the family and go make my own life for myself: exhile.

 

 

Apart from all the life-making solutions my parts do for me, they are also extremely intrusive in my life, especially my father. He has to know exactly what I'm doing at all times, he has to agree with my plans, he is always on top of me in terms of my own responsibilities and I am never given the freedom I need to develop myself as a person that will eventually be detached from my parents. And if ever I try to ignore him or give him a rude reply, and I do, he seems to get extremely angry and tells me to shutup, along with all the rest, and give him respect when it is due. This is not to mention all the relentless insults that go along with it if I decide to give him back a piece, which I do, such as 'son of a b***h', 'donkey', 'tar', 'dirty piece of ground' , 'I wish you were never born' (that's the best one). All of these sound better in my native language and make more sense.

Ofcourse when I was younger (I'm now 18), there was all the hitting and all that was needed up till when I was 15 or 16. He would punch me in the face, full-fist, pull my hair, kick me on the ground, etc etc.

 

 

One final story that happened was when my father decided to tell me that I was not allowed to have more than 2 shoes on the bottom floor and had to keep the rest in my room. It was ofcourse in that regular tone of his that said I'm the boss, I do what I want, you do what I tell you to, or I'll emotionally black mail you till you can't take it anymore. Hmm, that's weird, I thought, why woud I possibly need to do that when I have been putting pairs of shoes on the bottom floor for so long. I grunted and said "Why", at which point he gave his speech of how he needs respect as my father and I have to give it to him. I don't even remember what I said, but I shouted something back saying he was weird for asking me that. At that point he got his face right in front mine and kept it there 'till it started making my nerves explode. I couldn't take it and I asked him to move his face out of mine. I tried to move and he blocked my path and wouldn't let me get out, at which point I tried pushing past him and he said, "DONT TOUCH ME, I"M YOUR FATHER". I started shouting in his face to move his face away from mine, it was really degrading. I then pushed my way past him.

 

I went to sit on the couch and I started shouting at him. I started telling him about all the emotional abuse he has been giving me over the years and how much I simply cannot take it anymore. He took my 2 extra pair of shoes, shoved them in front of me, and told me that I need to put these up right away.

I went upstairs and I kept on shouting at him. He came up and told me to stop, otherwise he would rip my clothes up (this has happened before a few times, when i was too old to get the old-fashioned beating). I didn't stop and he came in with scissors and tried to get to my shoes at which point I grabbed him and pushed him back and didn't let him grab on to my shoes. I told him he's an a****le, and that I hate his guts so very much and that I don't wanna deal with him anymore, straight to his face. He tried to intimidate me and asked me whether or not I called him a****le and he approached. He knew he couldn't touch me cause I wasn't about to let him this time. I woulda pummeled his face out so quickly.

 

He simply looked at me and went back downstairs and did nothing.

He came back a few minutes afterward with a suitcase and started packing my clothes with it. I did nothing and I let him do this. He brought it downstairs and started to leave the house and put it in the trunk of the car. I went downstairs and asked him what he was doing and he said he was gonna dump it. I went in the car and sat there with my shirt off and no socks on.

 

He got out of the car and brought the suitcase back in the house, at which point I grabbed it to bring it back upstairs. He tried to grab it and pull my fingers off, but I wasn't letting go. He was trying so hard and he was bent over and he was looking at me straight up, asking to give him his suitcase back, please. The 'please'. He asked me like a little baby and he did nothing. He put his foot on top of my hand and started squishing it and I let go, and I went to the front door and I blocked the doorway so he woudn't escape. He left the house without taking my suitcase.

 

Now, he won't talk to me and he will try to emotionally black mail me again, as if I'm supposed to feel bad about calling him a****le and saying that I hate him. My family is all on his side ofcourse, my brother and my mother. I am the wrong one, ofcourse. I should never insult my parents, if I want to be a good person. I am not willing to give myself up and tell him I'm sorry if he's not willing to do anything to do his part. I am not willing to act once more as though what my father did is a minor deed and I am causing him to be victimised, as he very well and easily makes himself seem infront of everybody else.

 

I have come to a point where I do not want to talk anymore with anyone (my family) beacuse I don't want to deal with what they have to say. I don't want to have to degrade myself anymore and make myself feel any worst than I already do. I am a coward for not acting up and saying whatever I have to say. Somehow, I am a bad person for not wanting to say sorry to my dad and act like I am a garbage person when he's smug as a self-entitled King.

 

I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to go to, because no one will listen and I don't want to go seek friends or a doctor because that would be going out of the family 'bonds'.

My problem is so bad and I am feeling so desperate and lonely. I feel so miserable inside, and the only emotions I have are dread, pure fear, and anxiety.

How do I deal with this? And am I just wrong for dealing with my parents the way I do?

[Jimmy's_Brother]

How old are you at this point?

 

Do you have a job?

[Dooda]

I'm 18 and I've just finished High school.

[Jimmy's_Brother]

There's only one thing you can do, Dooda. Get a full-time job, save money, and move out.

 

Your parents are not going to change. You're right, they're very emotionally abusive. You have every right to be upset with them. They are not good parents.

 

And you're 18, so you're no longer a child. You can't call protective services. You can't do ANYthing except escape them, and never look back.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd say it's time to put some distance between you and your parents, for the sake of all concerned. Do you have enough money to get your own place? Anybody else (freinds or family) you could move in with?

 

I'm guessing that joining the military is not an attractive option at this point, right?

[Touche]

Yes, he sounds abusive. That said though, it's HIS house and he pays the bills, right? He can do what he wants.

 

I agree with the others, time to move out. Get your own place, work, go to school where YOU want to go, and maybe get a roommate.

 

It's time.

 

It's either that, or do whatever he wants. Those are your only choices.

[Lucky_One]

Granted, my son may think I am semi-abusive, but.....

 

He had BEST not ever grunt at me and ask "Why?" when I tell him to go upstairs and put his shoes in his room.

 

"Why?" Because I freaking said so, because I am the parent, and because I don't want his freaking shoes in the living room. End of story. He's not even your age, OP, and he already knows that grunting and questioning me is not how to get things accomplished in life.

 

Let's say that you had said, "Sure, Dad," and had gotten up and carried the shoes up to your room. NONE of the following drama would have happened. Problem solved for the short-term.

 

For the long-term, move out on your own. Get a job, save your money, apply for grants and loans for secondary education if that is what you want.

[Eve]

Yes, he is abusive.

 

Study hard, keep out of his way and move out. Some people are not meant to be parents. Clearly this man is one of them. Whatever you did or do not do.. you dont deserve to be treated so harshly.

 

*Hugs*

 

I would also add .. try and forgive him as you walk away, so that you do not become bitter. Learn from him and be better but acknowledge what you could have done better in your own way. In other words, dont be a victim, nor become self righteous because of this experience. The best revenge is to live well and find happiness and peace.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[aznprincess]

I have to agree with the previous poster. You can choose to join the military, atleast you will have alot of benefits and will be able to travel around the globe, start a new family and then forget about your past. You are not alone, alot of people goes to what youve been going through, be strong and make sure you find a way to get out soon.