How long does it take to fall back in love?

[anabiosis]

First of all this is real life. I've not posted to sites like this before so am not sure how much of this site is someone's imagination or how much is fact..but this is real life hurting stuff.

 

I'm male, in 40's and my wife is one year younger than me. We have been married 15 years and have 3 pre teen children. I know there are always two sides to each story...but for the sake of argument please let us assume that what I say is the truth...that I am not slanting it towards my point of view (I promise I am being as objective as I can).

 

There are major differences between us. She is the talky kind of person and I am the touchy kind. From her point of view I never talk enough and from my point of view she never touches enough. She is a night person and I am a morning person. I work outside the home, she works in the home. In most other things we agree fairly closely. We both are college educated, hers in accounting and mine in computer science...but no, I am not a computer nerd/geek (you have to trust me on this one).

 

Our problems go back a few years. Somehow over the years my not talking enough and her not touching enough caused us to drift apart. I guess because each of us was not giving the other what they wanted we each felt that each was ignoring the other. I figure it caused us to fall out of love with each other...but with 3 kids you just kind of hold on and take it for their sake...meanwhile things just kept festering behind the scenes until they boiled over.

 

We have Internet access but she never cared much for it until 6 months ago. Then she started spending quite some time on the Internet. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight she obviously was looking for something she was not getting from me (unfortunately). I did not know it at the time but she was getting heavily involved with e-mail to military personnel. It apparently started out quite innocently... just mailing back and forth to those men who wanted someone back home to talk to. But the writing changed. As I found out later the e-mails turned to heavy sexual situation letters (of the x rated kind).

 

I got to thinking something strange was going on one day when she all of a sudden made plans to have our older daughter visit a friend so she could go to school with her. She had another friend of hers take our youngest daughter and our boy for the day. She never had done this before. But taken alone that was nothing to get excited about. The problem was how she acted in trying to explain what she was going to do that day. She was going to visit a friend. But the way she told me made me think there was something more behind the scenes. Then she dressed up like she had not done in years. That made me wonder. I am not a jealous person by nature, but I started thinking something was going on. (Please no jokes about the ton of bricks thing)

 

That night I couldn't sleep. I knew something was going on, and I just knew the internet had something to do with it. So I got up and started searching the computer. You know the computer holds a lot of information that most people would be surprised to find out. You just need to know where to look and what you are looking for. Well, I know where and what. And I found stuff. At first I though she was just looking at sex sites. But when I started reading one of the cached objects I noticed things looked familiar. The situation described was familiar. Still, (obviously not wanting to believe what I was reading) I didn't really believe it was her writing the stuff...until I came to the name of our daughter followed by our other daughter. It was like I was hit in the stomach and my guts were yanked out. I don't know how else to describe it except that it was almost the worst moment of my life. You get huge knots in your stomach and you feel like you can't breath...

 

I looked further and found out that she had a meeting with one of the soldiers she had traded stories with. He had a stopover here. I could read the plans they had for how they were going to make their stories come true.

 

I first thought "this is F**king it". I'm out of here... but then I thought of my kids and that jolted me into a different frame of mind. Then I started thinking about its not just one person's fault...that I had to share in the blame. I came home at noon from work to talk to her about it. I did not confront her and rant and rave (maybe I should have). I said I was terribly hurt from what she had done...but that I took blame for what had happened because I knew I did not give her what she wanted (yes I honestly did say this). In hindsight I should not have been willing to take the blame, because she let me. And I believe that planted in her mind the idea that it was all my fault and she was justified in everything she did. For any of you wondering, NO I never cheated on her...not even close.

 

I believe she is not sorry for what happened, she is just sorry for getting caught. She said she wanted to work it out and not end the marriage. She said she would stop sending the sexual letters, but she wanted to keep writing to the soldiers because they were her friends. I said that I wanted her to stop talking to the soldier she had the meeting with...but she said she would stop the affair but wanted to keep him "as a friend". What could I do? I said "I am asking you as your husband to not talk to him anymore" and we left it at that.

 

Please don't think of me as a weak spineless wimp...if my children were not involved I would have been out the door faster than lightning...but my kids mean the world to me, and there is nothing I would not do for them. I would take a bullet for them and not have a second thought. One of my daughters will be going into 5th grade. When I was in 5th grade my dad died and my world fell apart...I came out of it a radically changed kid...and I don't want my children going through anything close to what I had to go through.

 

Over the next few days (yes I kept spying on her Internet activities...wouldn't you?) I found out things. I saw her telling a friend that it would be great if people could have the stability of marriage and then have affairs on the side...in other words I was just a paycheck to her. I saw her saying to someone else that she did not feel attracted to me anymore. I never saw her talk to the "affair" because he was on a two week leave with his wife and their 8 year old son.

 

We talked again and I asked her what we could do to get back together. She mentioned me talking more and maybe us writing those sexy letters back and forth. For the next month and a half (which brings us up to today) I did just that. I even found a memo she had written during our pre-marriage counseling saying what she would want me to do for her "every once in a while" (yes I have kept that through the years). There were 16 items on it. I started doing what she had written. But she has done little in return... except send me a steamy story... a recycled one that I had seen her send to other soldiers.

 

I had another talk with her and explained that I felt I was doing everything for her but she was not giving me anything in return. I was not asking for much... just to touch me once in a while... not sex... just touching. She said it would take time for her to be ready to get back with me... and that I was rushing things... that she had a lot of emotions to work through.

 

I have since stopped spying on her...it hurts too much. But before I stopped I saw glimpses of hope that maybe she was starting to want to come back to me... or maybe it was something I was reading into her writings because I wanted to see it...I don't know. She has reached over and touched me a few times in the past week... so I am hopeful.

 

So this long letter boils down to a simple (or not so simple) question. How long does it take to fall back in love? We were in love once. Can we fall back in love... or am I just being played for a fool?

[D.]

This is a really tough one, I am afraid to say. There are just so many factors involved. It appears, mostly due to your children, that you are willing to forgive and make ammends with your wife for her inappropriate online conduct as well as her having had an affair.

 

Your problems appear to have been coming on with your wife for a long, long time. Do NOT expect an easy or quick resolution to your problem.

 

Evidently, she sought the internet 6 months ago in order to fill a void she felt in her life due to your relationship with her. That is NOT your fault! There are so many oher approaches one could have taken, logical, rational, appropitate, loving approaches. She just happened to choose this one. It was an easy way to fill an existing emotional (or "talking") void she felt was present.

 

In order to "save this marriage" and "fall back in love again", your problems must be addressed and resolved. I highly reccommend the most excellent couples therapy that is available in order to discuss your "lack of talking" in her eyes and her "lack of touching" in her eyes ... when I say eyes ... I mean perception. You must also discuss any and all other problems that are keeping you two from being the loving, happy couple you used to be.

 

This could take a very long time and progress is slow. But it works for oh so many and can work for you.

 

I am living proof of the benifits of what excellent counseling by a wonderful therapist can achieve. I wish the same for you.

 

I wish I could offer you more. Best of Luck. D.

[Ajay]

anabiosis:

 

Being a first-time forum user myself, I know how you feel about the imagination stuff...this is real life hurting stuff...and this is great place to get it out (you can vent, rant, ponder, and expect a lot of good feedback. I've only been on-line here for a week and can't believe how much better I feel just having what seems to be a safe environment to kick around in.

 

As for falling back into love? Sounds to me like you never really fell out. I feel for you in that my 10-year marriage fell apart for similar reasons (me talky, he touchy), neither of us seeming to get what we wanted from the other. We never did get back together, even though there were times we both thought about it -- too much had happened, and we were not able to work through it.

 

Life happens. It's too bad things went on as long as they did and reached the point of seemingly no return. I know love can be rekindled, but the want to has to be mutual. You can't make her fall back in love with you if she doesn't want to. It is possible to recapture what you once shared; if you both want to work it out, you will, and things might even be better than ever. Sometimes we don't know how precious what we have is until we almost lose it.

 

Forgiveness is essential. Forgetting probably won't happen. The hurt you are experiencing will rear up and bite you whenever you're feeling vunerable.

 

Your comment regarding her not feeling sorry for what she did only for being caught, to me, is a bad sign. When I hurt someone I love, I am deeply sorry, caught or not.

 

Keep getting this out, you'll feel better, believe me.

 

First of all this is real life. I've not posted to sites like this before so am not sure how much of this site is someone's imagination or how much is fact..but this is real life hurting stuff. I'm male, in 40's and my wife is one year younger than me. We have been married 15 years and have 3 pre teen children. I know there are always two sides to each story...but for the sake of argument please let us assume that what I say is the truth...that I am not slanting it towards my point of view (I promise I am being as objective as I can). There are major differences between us. She is the talky kind of person and I am the touchy kind. From her point of view I never talk enough and from my point of view she never touches enough. She is a night person and I am a morning person. I work outside the home, she works in the home. In most other things we agree fairly closely. We both are college educated, hers in accounting and mine in computer science...but no, I am not a computer nerd/geek (you have to trust me on this one). Our problems go back a few years. Somehow over the years my not talking enough and her not touching enough caused us to drift apart. I guess because each of us was not giving the other what they wanted we each felt that each was ignoring the other. I figure it caused us to fall out of love with each other...but with 3 kids you just kind of hold on and take it for their sake...meanwhile things just kept festering behind the scenes until they boiled over. We have Internet access but she never cared much for it until 6 months ago. Then she started spending quite some time on the Internet. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight she obviously was looking for something she was not getting from me (unfortunately). I did not know it at the time but she was getting heavily involved with e-mail to military personnel. It apparently started out quite innocently... just mailing back and forth to those men who wanted someone back home to talk to. But the writing changed. As I found out later the e-mails turned to heavy sexual situation letters (of the x rated kind). I got to thinking something strange was going on one day when she all of a sudden made plans to have our older daughter visit a friend so she could go to school with her. She had another friend of hers take our youngest daughter and our boy for the day. She never had done this before. But taken alone that was nothing to get excited about. The problem was how she acted in trying to explain what she was going to do that day. She was going to visit a friend. But the way she told me made me think there was something more behind the scenes. Then she dressed up like she had not done in years. That made me wonder. I am not a jealous person by nature, but I started thinking something was going on. (Please no jokes about the ton of bricks thing) That night I couldn't sleep. I knew something was going on, and I just knew the internet had something to do with it. So I got up and started searching the computer. You know the computer holds a lot of information that most people would be surprised to find out. You just need to know where to look and what you are looking for. Well, I know where and what. And I found stuff. At first I though she was just looking at sex sites. But when I started reading one of the cached objects I noticed things looked familiar. The situation described was familiar. Still, (obviously not wanting to believe what I was reading) I didn't really believe it was her writing the stuff...until I came to the name of our daughter followed by our other daughter. It was like I was hit in the stomach and my guts were yanked out. I don't know how else to describe it except that it was almost the worst moment of my life. You get huge knots in your stomach and you feel like you can't breath...

 

I looked further and found out that she had a meeting with one of the soldiers she had traded stories with. He had a stopover here. I could read the plans they had for how they were going to make their stories come true. I first thought "this is F**king it". I'm out of here... but then I thought of my kids and that jolted me into a different frame of mind. Then I started thinking about its not just one person's fault...that I had to share in the blame. I came home at noon from work to talk to her about it. I did not confront her and rant and rave (maybe I should have). I said I was terribly hurt from what she had done...but that I took blame for what had happened because I knew I did not give her what she wanted (yes I honestly did say this). In hindsight I should not have been willing to take the blame, because she let me. And I believe that planted in her mind the idea that it was all my fault and she was justified in everything she did. For any of you wondering, NO I never cheated on her...not even close. I believe she is not sorry for what happened, she is just sorry for getting caught. She said she wanted to work it out and not end the marriage. She said she would stop sending the sexual letters, but she wanted to keep writing to the soldiers because they were her friends. I said that I wanted her to stop talking to the soldier she had the meeting with...but she said she would stop the affair but wanted to keep him "as a friend". What could I do? I said "I am asking you as your husband to not talk to him anymore" and we left it at that. Please don't think of me as a weak spineless wimp...if my children were not involved I would have been out the door faster than lightning...but my kids mean the world to me, and there is nothing I would not do for them. I would take a bullet for them and not have a second thought. One of my daughters will be going into 5th grade. When I was in 5th grade my dad died and my world fell apart...I came out of it a radically changed kid...and I don't want my children going through anything close to what I had to go through. Over the next few days (yes I kept spying on her Internet activities...wouldn't you?) I found out things. I saw her telling a friend that it would be great if people could have the stability of marriage and then have affairs on the side...in other words I was just a paycheck to her. I saw her saying to someone else that she did not feel attracted to me anymore. I never saw her talk to the "affair" because he was on a two week leave with his wife and their 8 year old son. We talked again and I asked her what we could do to get back together. She mentioned me talking more and maybe us writing those sexy letters back and forth. For the next month and a half (which brings us up to today) I did just that. I even found a memo she had written during our pre-marriage counseling saying what she would want me to do for her "every once in a while" (yes I have kept that through the years). There were 16 items on it. I started doing what she had written. But she has done little in return... except send me a steamy story... a recycled one that I had seen her send to other soldiers. I had another talk with her and explained that I felt I was doing everything for her but she was not giving me anything in return. I was not asking for much... just to touch me once in a while... not sex... just touching. She said it would take time for her to be ready to get back with me... and that I was rushing things... that she had a lot of emotions to work through.

 

I have since stopped spying on her...it hurts too much. But before I stopped I saw glimpses of hope that maybe she was starting to want to come back to me... or maybe it was something I was reading into her writings because I wanted to see it...I don't know. She has reached over and touched me a few times in the past week... so I am hopeful. So this long letter boils down to a simple (or not so simple) question. How long does it take to fall back in love? We were in love once. Can we fall back in love... or am I just being played for a fool?

[Tony T]

The reason most affairs happen is because the steamy, hormone-fiiled, euphoric days of the initial months or years of a relationship pass and rarely return. It's a biological fact.

 

I really don't want to make something scientific out of such a wonderful thing as love but your situation is not rare.

 

The Internet has made meeting other people so very easy for married people who feel they are in a rut. Divorce attorneys are now putting the Internet as one of the top three reasons for marital break-ups.

 

First, you described major differences between you and your wife which wre there from the START. Those were serious enough to not have ever married in the first place. But opposites attract and, for some very odd reason, if there is chemistry the parties eternally hold the hope that things will change and get better. This is akin to buying a volkswagen and hoping one morning you go into your garage and it is suddenly a Rolls Royce.

 

Second, the computer has presented us with vast new ways of spying on our spouse if we know how to do it. But since time began, people have found ways to be disloyal. Your wife was simply looking for ways to get back some of the excitement she felt with you initially. Nothing against you. No matter who she meets, that initial overwhelming attraction doesn't last. This is a biological thing that people, unless they have incredible amounts of self-control, have little to say about.

 

I could go on for pages and pages about your situation but let me jump to your question.

 

If you are looking to fall back in love with all the chemicals and euphoria, I don't think that will happen. The distrust engendered by what has happened coupled with the familiarity you have with your wife, the stresses of work and raising a family, sort of preclude that. The euphoria two people feel for each other initially is mostly chemicals, with little of reality taken into consideration. I have NEVER fallen head over heels for a lady, thinking how wonderful it would be to take a whiff of her morning breath, see her hair disheveled, wake up through the nite to tend to screaming babies, fight over why bills haven't been paid, etc.

 

Staying together for the sake of the children is unwise, in my opinion, because they pick up on the disharmony and it affects them. But I very much respect your feelings and completely understand.

 

Therefore, the most you can hope for is to get this lady to respect the marriage and modify the profile of her "friends" on and off line, develop a true and strong bond of love and friendship with her, and respect and honor the major differences you have. Don't let them bother you so much. However, you cannot do anything unless your wife has the will to do so and it sounds like she has really moved far away from this union.

 

In the very best of marriages, the parties tend to not do the same things with each other they did when they were trying to win each othe's hearts. Don't expect her to talk less and she shouldn't expect you to talk more. Don't expect her to touch more and she shouldn't expect you to touch less. HEY, YOU GUYS GOT TOGETHER KNOWING THIS STUFF!!!

 

I would spend a bit of time working on this, perhaps with a counsellor. MAKE SURE YOU ADVISE THE COUNSELLOR AHEAD OF TIME THAT YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!! So many times these encounters occur just prior to divorce.

 

As far as I'm concerned right now, you don't have a marriage. So you have a lot more to do that fall in love again or establish some sort of bond. You need to begin a marriage again.

 

Dominus Vobiscum.

[anabiosis]

HEY, YOU GUYS GOT TOGETHER KNOWING THIS STUFF!!!

 

Touche...but please, you don't have to shout. Yes, we went into this knowing...but remember, we also had 10 weeks of counseling. We knew all about our differences, but we had more in common than we had differences. We liked doing the same things (skiing, hiking, backpacking, cycling). We felt the same way about money, we felt the same way about kids. We wrote down a list of things that were important to us and with the exception of the talking, touching, all our lists pretty much matched.

 

This was not a teenage crush thing. We were never married before, however both her and I had loved and lost. We knew what we were doing (we were 33ish when we got married) Perfect matches only appear in fairy tales. You make compromises in life. Our live was quite beautiful for the first 5 years. Then the kids came and a lot of our common traits got left by the wayside (God how I wish now that they had not been!)...but it is way too easy to skip the hike, the trip, etc because its "just too hard" with a baby, a toddler, etc. That was our downfall. With the loss of those common adventures our differences became more noticable...and the snowball happened.

 

But all that's water under the bridge. You know, hindsight IS 100%. Unfortunately forsight is what we needed and we weren't smart enough to see where things were leading. If we should be faulted, that is what we should be faulted for, not because we had some differences...

 

We don't have a marriage??? maybe no...but possibly so. We have started remembering the times we had together. Watching the sunset in the backcountry, knowing we were the only souls within miles of our tent...Remembered making love on a mountain pass with only blue sky and white clouds above us...remembered a lot of things...both crying things and laughing things. Our youngest daughter just learned to ride a bike without training wheels. I bought a carrier and our son can ride on it for the next few years. Everyone now has bikes and we have started riding them together. A week ago we took the ashes of our favorite hiking comanion (a beautiful dog named Whitney) to a local mountain and spread her ashes. She had been dead for 5 years...and we never took the time to take her ashes into the mountains where she belonged...shows you how screwed up our priorities were huh??? I've took out the camping tent and the kids are excited about the camping we (hopefully) will do this summer. You know...the marriage might not last...but then again it might......

[^_Raine_^]

You ask how long does it take to fall back in love...well that is going to vary depending on you as well as her. My wife and I had a very bumpy and abusive relationship for a while and late last year my wife asked me for a divorce. I had changed so much and so had she. We still liked the same things and we still enjoyed all the old stuff but My temper pushed her away. All we did was argue constantly..little or big it didnt matter. I turned stupid stuff into a major issue. I said all sorts of harmful stuff sometimes intentionally.

 

Well up until that point I had forgoten that I really loved her. Realizing things were really bad we decided to just talk...no raised voices..no insults. We were actually talking softly and decently to each other when she asked for the divorce. It hit me like a bus hitting a bug. I was shattered. I lost all control over my composure and cried my eyes out asking her to at least give it one more chance. After a few hours of thinking she decided she would give me that chance. She flat out told me though that she wasnt in love with me anymore. She said she didnt know if she ever could fall back in love again.

 

Well here we are close to the very date that she told me she wanted the divorce. It took alot of work. Alot of butt kissing and alot of eating crow, but we are really doing good. We had alot of talks about what was bothering us. We came up with alot of solutions. Some worked while some didnt. We both faked alot of emotions for a little while and slowly but surely the fun began to start again. She began to say things like "I think I am beginning to fall back in love with you".

 

The key to solving our problems has been through talking to each other. Also it was the actions we took when it came to a disagrement. We still disagree but we dont argue...well at least like we used to. We may get a little heated over issues but we think about what we are doing now. My temper didnt go away but I have mostly learned how to control it. Each day is a new issue and a new solution but we are getting better. Remember actions speak louder than words. I can tell my wife I love her 1000 times but it is what I do to back it up that really matters. I wish you the best of luck if staying with her is what you want. Becareful you dont turn your kids against you. Even if they dont know what is wrong with mommy and daddy they still feel the tension and sometimes that is worse than actually knowing the problems.

 

My wife and I have talked since we got married about renewing our vows since we only had a courthouse wedding. We set a date last month..Next year on May 5th and we both now know we are truely in love with each other. I feel it in her touch and her talk. Sometimes I have my doubts but I am a paranoid person ( and I am getting a heck of alot better about that each day). We are gonna make it. You can too. You just need to discuss with her what you want in the marrage and what she wants and be willing above all else to compromise with each other. Your kids come first in everyday life but this about you and her and you have to be able to put each other on a pedistal when the situation calls for it even if that means telling the kids after dinner you want them ready for bed and that they are to leave mom and dad alone for the rest of the night. You have to have "you" time.

 

Again good luck. I hope some of this will help as you make your choices. I hope you can at least derive some decent advice from it.

 

Raine