my family is messed up and i'm torn

[goingcrazyslowly]

i've been married for 2 1/2 years. my husband's mother (we just found out) doesn't like black people. he has a 4 yr. old daughter that he's had custody of since birth. her bio mom is a drug addict and did drugs the whole pregnancy. the child cries continuously for hours. everyday is up in the air. some days she cries when i say hi to her, or ask her to get dressed, or whatever i say. she used to bite me, and hit me, and scream at me. i have a 4yr. old that has taught her a lot the last 3 years. she has gotten better. we've taken her to doctors and therapists and they all say the problem is her nana. she thinks nana is mama!! we've just found out recently through a family member that they heard nana say," i am your mother and no one else is!!". anyways, nana has put us through he double hockey sticks the last 8 months. she calls my husband and tells him he's no good and she doesn't want her granddaughter raised by a black woman, he's a piece of **it, he doesn't care about the child, etc. all this happens after the child spends the night and we won't let her spend the next night!!!! so we've been monitoring the child's "fits". they happen the day after she either sees nana, talks to nana, or someone talks to her about nana. if she goes with nana and her father asks what she did with nana, she starts crying!!! we were told that making her say please and thank you at 3 was child abuse!!! speaking of, nana called cps on us and said she will call everyday until i leave my husband!!! now nothing happened, but it's embarassing to have cps call all you know asking questions!!! cps also told us that they have to do a 60 day investigation everytime someone calls. now getting to the point: i love my husband, but he keeps talking to his mom as if nothing is going on, keeps letting her see the child, and doesn't do anything when the child is bad. he's a very, very, very laid back kind of guy. we've had a 3rd child 7 months ago and it's quite a handful for me to deal with phone calls from nana, crying baby, and screaming 4 yr. old acting like a baby while my husband looks on. now his mom is taking him to court for custody/visitation claiming she can't see the child. all he says is oh well and goes to court. it got post poned, and then his dad asks him to give his mom a ride home!!!! we've had plenty of "talks" and nothing changes. i feel like i'm living with a roomate, not my husband!!!! i can't take anymore!!! help!!!!

[meanon]

You do need help but I'm not sure any advice will help. You need practical support with child care - if the older child is distrurbed is there any day care that the therapists/doctors can access (sorry I do not know what social services are available there I am not from US)? Similarly, is there family therapy that you and your husband can access? The child has to come first, make sure the court has written testimonies from professionals of the harmful effects of contact with nana - if you can't get them then document the advice they offered yourself with dates and contact names (keep copies). With your husband it is fair to expect him to refuse contact with the child and to get his support if nana criticises you. I think that expecting hime to break off all contact with a parent is probably unrealistic but he need to do it in a way that does not stress his family still further i.e. he needs to do it alone. Ask nana to call when her son is at home so you do not have to speak to her - you are busy with the baby anyway. If she doesn't comply then don't answer the phone or sift calls with answer phone. Children of 4 will respond very positively to a stable environment - if she doesn't improve soon take her back to the therapists and doctors. Once things have calmed down you may find that your relationship with your husband improves too. I hope it works out for you.