bobo Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Reason I ask is, before we met my girlfriend of 6 months had already had three marriage proposals (she is 24). Maybe not a big deal but two of them were from guys she met while in a long term relationship, but travelling for a year overseas so away from her bf. We had a long talk about past relationships and she told me while she was away for the year it wasn't working well with her bf (who had also proposed but she hadn;t accepted yet) being so far away and she kissed a guy one night but felt guilty after. Fair enough maybe, but then another guy was sharing a room with her for a while (they were working at a holiday camp) and they went travelling together for a month, and she finally admitted to me they kissed a few times. This guy proposed to her, as did ANOTHER guy out there who she claims she was just friends with, apparently he caught a flight from another city to find her again and propose. She said nothing to her bf back home, until she got home when she dumped him. Kissing the two guys, as she insists is all that happened, when she was drunk, is in my view not nearly as bad as if she had sex with any of them. Not great I admit but, to me, way different from sex cheating. What's worrying me is, is she lying to me about whether they had sex to make her seem less bad? I find it hard to believe that not one but two guys would propose without 'trying the goods' and having full sex, but she is adamant that didn't happen, just a few weeks travelling and kissing with one and nothing with the other (and then the kissing with the first guy). It's really playing on my mind right now cos she's away travelling again, has been away for 3 months and thinking of staying another 3, and this time it's me the bf sitting at home! I don't want to believe she is capable of screwing anyone behind a boyfriend's back, she seems such an innocent person, but am I just being blind? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Would a guy ever propose before they had had sex? Of course. I did not have sex with my husband until after we'd been engaged for a while and the wedding was drawing closer and we signed a lease on our first apartment. I don't know if your friend is lying, but there are a lot of people who still wait until marriage before having sex. "trying the goods" sounds so sleazy. More like animals copulating with no love involved. Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Yes, some men might propose before "trying the goods" (yuck, by the way). They are a minority in the US, but a substantial one, I believe - maybe 20%? Mormons, very religious people, shy/nervous people, people with lesser sex drives or less experience. It seems the bigger issue here is your trust of this lady's truthfulness, not really the likelihood of these proposals. Have you talked to her frankly about how you want to trust her but are having doubts? Also, forget the marriage proposal...1 man and 1 woman travelling together for a month, away from all the social restraints, and sharing a room and kissing, but not having sex? Now this is REALLY getting hard to believe. And now she's away again, in no hurry to get back to you...THAT'S what I would be worried about. Why didn't you go with her? Have you asked her to come back sooner, or at least get a female travelling companion instead of a male one? Link to post Share on other sites
bobo Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 thank both of you. Sorry about the 'trying the goods' reference, point taken. I actually saw the phrase somewhere else on the site just b4 writing my post, in a similar topic, it was what prompted me to write the post, i suppose I was thinking maybe that;'s the way some guys mght see it. I certainly don;t think that way, on the contrary sex with my gf is the most special thing in the world, its when i feel we really can show each other how we feel for each other . We are both quite shy - which is why this whole thing that she cheated on her last bf (even the kissing) is so weird - its like she's a different person when she's drunk Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 I personally could never EVER marry a girl without having sex with her. Would you buy a car without test driving it first? Would you buy a home without inspecting it first? etc. If the sex is bad, that could lead to unhappiness or cheating or divorce. COULD. Don't everyone jump down my throat for that, it ain't a blanket comment. But I think sex is very important to lots of people and if it's not working out in the bed...it could soil other things big time. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 If the sex is bad, that could lead to unhappiness or cheating or divorce But people can learn to be better at sex! It's not as though it's ingrained behaviour and completely unchangeable. It's important to know if your sex drives are horribly mismatched or if one of you absolutely needs to indulge fetishes the other can't stand, but other than that people can learn to be good at sex. I'm not saying I wouldn't 'test drive' before getting engaged, but technique/ability would be the last of my worries. If anything, it's a person's attitudes towards sex that you need to know and not much of that is apparent while you're doing the horizontal mambo! As for the original poster, I think she's keeping you 'in reserve' in case one of her travelling flings doesn't work out. Nobody is that innocent!!! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 its like she's a different person when she's drunk red flag! this just doesn't sound very positive about your girlfriend and makes me wonder if that's her way of justifying whatever extent of fooling around she's done. Of course there could be the "I'll ask her to marry me so she'll put out" theory as well, some guys are known to do that so that they'll get what they want from a girl who is otherwise unwilling, but I'm of the train of thought that maybe she's interpreting whatever was said as "marriage proposal" even if it might not have been. Link to post Share on other sites
bobo Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 re the other questions: 1. I told her b4 she went away about having trouble trusting her bcos of how she treated the last bf. She said not to be silly, that with me and her 'its different' (she said things were not too good with the other bf before she even went away) 2. She was offered good $$$$ temp job abroad, that's why she went (and I couldn't). They have now asked her to stay longer. B4 she went she promised she wouldn't stay longer even if it was offered. now she says she is thinking about it, for the money, and yes, bcos she has made some new friends and settled in there. What makes it worse is, the other bf, they were together 2 years b4 she went away. We were only together 4 months. So if she stays the extra 3 she'll have been away 6 months of a 10 month relationship. Even putting this down I can see it doesn;t look good. but I am hesitant to finish it bcos I love her, have never felt like this about any other gf. If I could only be sure about iher I could wait however long needed. What if i get it wrong and my insecurity ruins a good relationship for nothing? On the other hand, I don;t think i could stand another 3 months of worrying about her and then when she gets back find out she cheated on me, too Link to post Share on other sites
bobo Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 oh, and about the marriage proposals, they were pretty clear, to the level of detail of 'marry me and come live in X with me we could start an X business together' and 'marry me, i have enough $$ we can buy a house etc' Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Bobo, I'd also be inclined to be more worried about the fact she is spending so much time away from you NOW. I personally couldn't imagine spending that long away from my bf, because I love him so much and like to be near him! That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but maybe she isn't in as deep as you, or is still focussing on some other priorities of her own, rather than making your relationship the first priority. As for the whole proposal question, I believe guys would propose without having had sex. I spent about a year overseas travelling and met a guy who I became friends with while we were staying at the same place for a short time. Nothing happened between us at all, other than a few conversations in the common room of the youth hostel etc, but he began telling me he thought perhaps I was THE ONE for him! I thought he was way too full on and didn't spend any more time with him (we both moved on to other places anyway). That wasn't an official proposal by any means, but still, I guess, anything's possible! Link to post Share on other sites
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