Should I break-up, or should I keep trying?

[TonyA]

Hello,

I am in desperate need of advice. I've been living with my g/f for 2 years now (been together for a total of 4 years), and still things are not to the point where I can marry her. In fact, they're no where even close. There are a whole bunch of issues that are holding me back, but my g/f seems to think that since she's put up with the things I've done wrong (which haven't really been too many), that I should overlook her faults. So I need help determining if what I see is legitimate, or if I'm just overreacting. I apologize for the length; I'll try to keep things as concise as I can. I appreciate anyone willing to read this and give me their honest feedback.

 

First of all, the thing that's really bothering me the most right now is her drinking. She drinks heavily, and on average, gets completely trashed once or twice a week. When she's drunk, it all comes out-- how I've done this or that to make her life miserable, that I'm an inhuman jerk, and other assorted insults. Some of her complaints are valid (I admit that have made my share of mistakes-- who hasn't?), but most of it is ranting about either issues that are completely exaggerated or happened so long ago (and for which I've repented) that they should not even be talked about any more, at least IMHO. I find myself cringing whenever I see her put anything alcoholic to her lips, especially when I know there's a lot of time left in the day. I’ve lost count of how many fights we've had just because she started feeling combative and/or melancholy after a six pack. Whenever I've suggested that she has a drinking problem, she gets defensive about it, so I rarely even mention it, even when she asks. To make matters worse, her friends and brother have managed to get her to smoke weed periodically. While I personally don't have a problem with people doing their own thing where drugs are concerned, I totally disapprove of it in a mate, and she knows it, yet she continues.

 

If those were the only issues, I could probably deal with it, since I would feel comfortable talking to her about it and getting her help. But I feel like I'm always on a hair-trigger with her. Anytime I say or do anything that either is negative about her or is suggestive that I disapprove of her in any way, she immediately either goes cold and wants me to shut up, or she gets defensive and it spirals downhill from there. And it doesn't even have to be about her. So many times I've done something inconsequential wrong, like accidentally spilling something, forgetting to get something at the store, washing the whites and colors together, etc, and she calls me names like "idiot" or says something like, "I’m not surprised".

 

All of the issues above are ones that she really doesn’t even know are bothering me, because I fear bringing them up. I’ve mentioned the drinking and drugs a couple of times, but learned not to do that. The one issue that I have been lucky-enough to have acknowledged by her as legitimate is her jealously. Perhaps it’s because it’s the only issue that she can put back on me (somewhat, anyway.) Early in our relationship, I had a close friendship with a female. My g/f was immediately suspicious of the friendship, but I asserted my right to continue seeing my friend. Although she says she wasn’t jealous and that I had a “clean slate” with her, I could tell the jealously was there. So once when I was out shopping, my friend called me to her house to do a favor for her. Knowing that my g/f would be very suspicious about it, I did not tell her. Well, to make a long story short, she eventually found out and that has been a major issue ever since.

 

Another aspect of her jealously is constant accusations about looking at other women. We can be stopped at a red light and if an attractive woman walks in front of us, I am immediately accused of a “wandering eye”. So, now I walk with my head down everywhere, and my “radar” is on supersonic mode so that I can spot the potential problems long before she does and make sure I am not looking anywhere near them. But even that doesn’t always work (as I have to look where I’m going when I drive), and God help me if there’s a “hottie” anywhere in my field of vision.

 

Whenever I do have the you-know-what to stand up to her about something, it always results in a nasty fight, during which I am consistently accused of ruining this relationship and her life, and which almost always results in her saying she wants to leave. When I see things getting really bad, I usually just try to walk away from the fight, which usually just makes things worse.

 

I really could go on and on about the bad stuff—how she constantly criticizes my driving, how she thinks I’m not as polite as can be with strangers (I have to say “please” at least twice in any restaurant order), how I have to sacrifice more of my work time each day than her to drop her off and pick her up, how me looking at this website for advice recently started a major fight, or how I can’t even read a newspaper w/o her feeling like she’s being neglected etc., but I would like to touch on the good so that I can be sure I’m presented a balanced picture.

 

I know that inside my g/f is a very caring person. I know that she loves me.

She does nice little things for me from time-to-time (like buying my favorite candy or soda or beer without me asking). She takes care of me when I’m sick or stressed. She’s always offered to get me things that I’ve needed (like a new pair of shoes). She cleans-up after me. And, yes, she puts up with me, which in her mind is a major chore. (I disagree with that, but since that’s her perspective, I’ll give her credit for staying with someone who she sees as destructive to her.) She obviously has good qualities, because all of her relationships have been long term, and she’s had several marriage proposals. Lots of guys (all her friends, BTW) all say that I’m really lucky to be with her.

 

Finally, here are the major things that I’ve done wrong: I’ve told people in front of her that we have no plans for marriage (a real embarrassment for her); I bought a house while we were living together and did not include her on the papers or utilities; I’ve have flirtatious relationships with her co-workers before we got together (we work at the same place, BTW); and, oh yeah—I once said that a certain young pop music star was easy on the eyes (which makes me a pervert).

 

To close, our relationship has really taken a turn for the worse lately, and I’m really ready to just throw in the towel. But before I cross that line of no return, I need some objective opinions. First of all, am I missing something? Are all those other guys seeing something that I’m not? Do I deserve all of this hostility and anger because of what I’ve done to her? Since she’s stuck with me despite that, am I obligated to marry her, or at least stay and try to work things out? If so, then how?? Or am I right to want to break-up? If so, then how do I find the strength to do it? Despite all my complaints, I do love her and am having a hard time with the concept of letting this go.

 

Thanks for reading this and for any advice.

[cdn]

There are lots of issues here and it would seem that many of them belong to your gf. She appears to have both a drinking problem and control issues, neither of which are going to go away without at least a major effort on her part and possibly not without professional counseling. But really, this is not even the point. What matters is that you are not comfortable or happy in the relationship and that your efforts to talk to your gf are fruitless. For that reason alone you should not consider taking it any further. I don't believe, based on what you've written, that you owe her anything more than an honest conversation about your feelings. Tell her what aspects of her behavior bother you and indicate what steps she must take (if there are any) that will keep you in the relationship.

[quankanne]

Run. And run very, very far, very, very fast. From all that you've described, this just doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship that you're involved in. I think the telling point is that you describe that to her, "putting up with me is a major chore."

 

when you care about someone, you put their needs right up there, and you don't keep "score" on what you've done for them. You don't treat them like ****, then expect them to be happy about it, or be happy with you.

 

I think you know deep down that this relationship is headed nowhere because there is no sense of mutual respect here. Why on earth should you be obligated to marry someone who makes you miserable deep down, and vice versa?

 

your remarks about her drinking habits send up a red flag, too. Believe me, you don't want to take on the problems of someone who is addicted to a substance, even something as seemingly harmless as alcohol. It only tears you up inside, and what respect you might have for that person dissipates real quick when you're stuck holding the bag again and again and again, while they go on their merry way, doing what they want without a care for who it hurts ...

 

walk away from this, from her, and chalk it up to a learning experience. I'm sure that since she's had other offers of marriage, someone will come along soon enough and snap her up.

 

RUN!

[quankanne]

upon reading CDN's post, I'd like to point out that you owe no indepth explanations if you've already figured out that this is headed nowhere. Simply tell her that this is not the kind of relationship you want to make a lifetime situation, that you two are incompatible and that neither of you are really happy with each other, then show her the door.

[TonyA]

Thanks for the replies. I spoke with my g/f about this yesterday and she said something like I have to keep my eyes on the big picture (that she's accepted my faults so I should accept hers, that she's a sweat person, etc.) And when she's saying it, it's hard to argue with her, and I mean that I'm afraid to dispute her as well as her logic seems to make sense, at least the way she tells it. Again, am I missing something?

 

I guess I know that this relationship is destructive, but just thinking about leaving is so hard. How can I resolve myself to do it if that's what indeed I decide to do?

 

Thanks again.

[Reckless]

Get help. For yourself because you suffer seriously from low self esteem. I suspect you don't think you deserve any better than an emotionally abusive, jealous, drug addicted alcoholic and that says something about you.

 

This is not to make you feel bad but you are completely co-dependent (which means you need her to be bad, and need to feel bad to feel alive..) You think that 'bad' is the only way to feel and it's really sad. I wonder the guilt and pain you harbour to feel that you deserve no better... but your life is not over so ....1) end the relationship, observe how although it feels terrible you don't drop dead on the spot. If you can't go cold turkey, take a break and keep extending it, while you 2) Get into some kind of counseling, church group, support group; get the yellow pages, search, get your doctor to recommend something but get professional help to sort out what you're carrying around. Believe me, when you do you'll see what we all see, this girl is bad news and will ruin your life.

[TonyA]

Well, I did some research on codependent relationships. I always figured my g/f was codependent (and indeed she is), but apparently I have a few of those issues as well. However, after some serious self evaluation last night, I don't think that I have low self-esteem. On the contrary, I feel like I'm quite capable of being independent (I was for many years before this relationship), and I actually miss that from time-to-time. My main concern is how will my g/f handle a breakup. I know she'll probably think that me finally letting her go after resisting it for so long will indicate that I no longer love her or care about her. I know better, but I'm afraid she might become even more depressed than she already is (I believe she's probably clinically depressed) and she might become even more self-destructive (with her drinking especially.) I can see how that might make me seem codependent, but in reality, I'm just concerned about her. Does that make any sense? How should I handle these emotions and concerns?

[msfawn]

Tony,

 

I am a female and have been through quite a few serious lengthy complicated relationships. I have some of the same concerns you do when I think of breaking up with my boyfriend. My degree is in psychology... this does not mean I am an expert in any way. However, I do love to listen to people and am able to see from other perspectives easily. This is only my opinion...

 

1. She will be hurt and depress if you break up with her. However, she will be even more hurt and depress when you break up with her 10 years from now or when you get a divorce. Sometimes you have to hurt before you grow.

2. This is about a decision you have to make... what is best for you with consideration of her... but despite, it is still about you. So, would it be wise to stay in an unhappy relationship simply because she may not want you to break up with her? or the fear of her reaction? That will actually make you more miserable because now you know you made this decision basically because you cannot see her hurt.

3. If you break up with her, she probably will go a little crazy... because suddenly she will start to realize what she didnt before... that she could lose you. Tony, this might sound weird... but when a girl loses something, she thinks she needs it or wants it more than she really does. That's just how it goes. She probably takes you for granted (by the nasty way she treats you), she honestly probably thinks you are not good enough for her, but she is afraid of being alone. When you break up, she will suddenly feel else. But over time, it will go away. I had a boyfriend for 5 years. I took him for granted. I never realize I thought this... but now that I look back, I realize that somewhere in my mind, I treated him the way I did b/c I felt I was better than him. During our 2nd or 3rd year, he suddenly tells me he wants to break up. I just cried and felt like I needed him badly. He ended up staying with me. He never knew that actually just a few days before, I was thinking about how I wanted to be single. By the way, three years later, I broke up with him. I should have been fair and let it go when he mentioned breaking up. But I suppose I am one of those girls... something you didn't want is taken away, then you start doubting yourself and thinking maybe you really wanted that all along. Its just all emotions.

4. know that time heals. It will.

 

I know it is easy for strangers to tell you to break up with her. I've been there. It's so much easier to say then do. There's so many emotions, history, and attachments involved. Even sometimes your mind tells you clearly its the thing to do, but you can't.

 

So lets be realistic. What you should do is seriously talk to her. SINCE you almost, in a way, broke up with her, you mind as well lay it on the table. Tell her honestly that you are unhappy. Tell her everything you are unhappy about. ASk her to please let you finish everything you have to say before she adds in b/c she will try to and put some emotional value in it. Tell her honestly that you don't know if there is a future for you too. Cry if you have to. Tell her you do honestly care about her and that you have feelings for her. Make sure you tell her that you want her to think about it realistically instead of talking to you right off. Assure her you are not disappearing at this moment. You just want her to take some time to think about the relationship and search in her heart and mind and conclude if she honestly is really happy. Give her a few days alone to think (not as a break up , so she won't be stressed). In a few days, after she probably has done her crying and feeling anger and resentful towards you, then maybe you too can talk again.

 

When you get the real talk, see what she has to say. Does she make unrealistic comments about how she feels you too should be together just cause she knows but has nothing value to add? Does she feel she can't live without you? Those are all unrealistic and shows signs that she has not really thought through this in a calm manner. Instead, she is letting her emotions take over.

 

When she is clear, she will either tell you that she agrees that she is also unhappy. AT this time, you can discuss why she is unhappy. And, is there a possibility of any changes in the future. Will she change her ways? (I think it is completely understandable to expect she slows down with the drinking and stop the weed. YOu can help her with this. She DEFINITELY can stop insulting you. The harsh words are NEVER necessary and it CAN be controlled. She can pause before she spits words out of her mouth.) Also, the changes she wants in you , is it reasonable and possible for you and allow you to still remain you? If none of these things can be agreed on, maybe you should now split up. In this way, it wasn't really you breaking up with her. It was her deciding she can afford to lose you over her actions.

 

Does this make sense? you have to be real brave to bring it up. And, real brave to actually take time off from her so she can think.. and not let her respond right then right there. But if you can be brave enough to break up, you can be brave enough to do this instead. It will yield better results.

 

One last comment. I was in wal-mart and saw this older couple. The lady wanted to ask the salesperson something... Her husband seemed irritated at his wife. The wife asked the salesperson some question and the salesperson said no. The husband says to her wife rudely "see?? I told you. that was stupid." It was real sad to see this. The sad thing is i see this all the time. the respect has just gone out the window. I never want to grow up to be in one of those relationship. All that resentfulness comes from somewhere. many times, it's not obvious where it came from... but it's somewhere. sometimes, if you can figure it out, a new relationship can start. sometimes, you have to let it go. you want to be with someone who is loving. not says they love you and treat you less. I'm not saying people will be perfect. They won't. But never do partners have to be degrading, insulting, hurting, or negative to each other. That's not necessary. There are plenty of things in life to disagree with and plenty of times in which you will not be happy with your partner (petty things, what parties to go to, what to wear or not, ...), being mean to each other is not one of those things that should happen.

 

Good Luck.