kumi Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 (sorry I posted this in the wrong forum) Okay, hi....my boyfriend of 3yrs broke up with me a few nights ago. He lives with me and my family (my mom, dad, uncle, grandpa--passed away a month ago), he's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend, we're both still pretty young. I have never once felt that our relationship was anything like a normal one. We've always been like a married couple more than anything else. Things started off well, he spent over a year trying to get a date with me when we were younger, and I just didn't want him. After a while, I decided to give him a chance, I knew deep down that he truly cared for me. He was the greatest boyfriend I think anyone could ask for. He was always there for me, always made me very happy...we did everything together, we were inseperable. As time progressed, it felt like he needed more out of me, so I started changing, giving him my all, without any compensation. I'm not sure if this is really against the forum rules, if it is I'll edit it out, and I apologize if I offend anyone, but I do feel it's crucial to my situation. We did lose our virginity to eachother. After a year of living together I decided it would be a nice Christmas presant to him. Anyway, we were always very very happy...I mean we did argue a bit, and I sure can yell...I just didn't like that I didn't come first in his life anymore. If I asked him to do anything he would say "ok", then never do it, or I'd have to beg, bribe or threaten him to get what I wanted...sometimes I'd have to wait a week. Yet when a friend asks him for anything, *bam* he jumps right on it. Every time he ever asked anything of me I would always drop everything for him...To me, he isn't a boyfriend, he's a part of me, a part of my family. That means so much more. I'm guessing he doesn't feel the same way. My grandfather got sick in late August-early September. He had a heart attack. When he came back from the hospital I started spending less time doing things for my boyfriend and more time doing things for my grandfather. Not too long after he came home, I was giving him a massage and noticed many many marble-sized lumps on his back...he went to the doctors that day, had one removed for a biopsy...did a cat & mri...a week later they called him in to tell him he had terminal bone cancer. My heart broke. I should tell everyone that actually reads this that no one is more important to me than my grandfather....we've always been there for eachother. No one loved me more than him, and no one loved him more than I. I started sleeping in his room instead of with my boyfriend. My grandfather gradually needed 24/7 care, and that meant that I barely had time to take showers, I didn't really get to eat very often and sleep..that wasn't even an option. My only "breaks" were when my grandfather fell asleep during the day, I would leave a ringer by his bedside so he could beep me if he needed something so he wouldn't have to shout, I would go and do my house chores...do everyone's laundry, dishes, clean the catbox, vaccum...well you get the idea. It came to the point where I decided I would need some small help, I needed my boyfriend to clean our catbox. I can't hand-feed my grandfather with all that germs all over me. His white blood cell count was very low at this point and the smallest things could kill him. My boyfriend didn't want to help. He said he would, but then didn't. I also think he was not very happy that he was no longer #1 in my life. Anyway my grandpa ended up needing to be in the hospital, so I spent all my time with him there. The day came where I could no longer handle being in the hospital with him. He became disoriented, he didn't recognize me...I had to let my family members take over. Everyone apologized to me for not helping take care of him...thanking me for everything I did. Everyone but my boyfriend. I never realized this until about a week ago...my grandfather passed away Sept.30th..just a little over a month ago. I wanted to grieve over his loss to my boyfriend, but my boyfriend just couldn't help me in that way. He's become very consumed in his work...all he wants to do is work. He started coming home late...I know there is no other girl. That at least I can be sure of...But what's worse? Him being consumed by work, or him being consumed by another girl? At least if it was another girl, it would be something worthwhile. Work is not important...but he feels as though it is. Work won't be there to comfort you when things get bad. Work won't be there to take care of you the way you take care of it.... Everyone asks me why I want to stay with him...It's because I fell in love with this guy. He was a different guy when I fell in love with him, but in my heart, he is still the same young boy that used to tell me how special I was...tell me how smart he thought I was, how beautiful...the same guy that even now, when I look into his eyes, I know he still cares for me deeply. I think he doesn't know how he feels though. I think he is confused and just doesn't know what to do or how he feels. I will tell you more about the breakup.. A few days ago, we were snuggling and watching a movie on TV. Everything was fine, the love I saw in his eyes was strong and true. Yet that day for some reason whenever I said "I love you", he wouldn't reciprocate...I thought something was up, so I asked him why he wasn't telling me that he loved me too. He finally just told me that he loved me and then he went to go run some errands (he had a safety check that day, and had failed the ...test? so he had to go to my uncle's auto repair shop for some car parts or something) ...anyway when he came back I still thought everything was all peaches and cream...later that night he told me that he thinks it's time that he moved out. He told me that we're never happy anymore, that he hates the way we argue....I begged him to stay for 3hrs...I told him we could go to councelling, he said it was "too late for that", I told him that married couples go to councelling after 40yrs of marriage, so how can it be too late for us? He said that it would never get better...it just didn't make sense to me. It didn't...he just promised me the other night we'd never break up unless I wanted it to end. This makes 0 sense to me...Anyway, I finally let him go after he told me we could still go on dates, which I believe he just agreed to so I would let him go. I called him and e-mailed him and messaged him quite a bit the next day...after that I gave up. Yesterday was the longest day of my life. He just messaged me while I was writing this post...he said Hi and asked me how I was doing, we're talking very little..today is a holiday, so no work for him. I'm just waiting for him to tell me he wants to come over to get more of his things...I'll tell him that I have plans so not today. Even though I have no plans...I feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach because he is messaging me...I want to throw up or something... Anyone have any advice on maybe how to get him back or something? Please help...
ArdeaCandidissima Posted November 12, 2003 Posted November 12, 2003 Kumi, I want to offer my condolences on the loss of your grandfather. It is a wonderful thing to do to fill someone's last days with love and respect. The way you took care of him should make you, and your whole family, very proud of you. I wish they had all been there to support you, and not let you carry this burden alone. Especially your "boyfriend" who apparently had time to do almost ANYTHING else rather than support you. Everyone asks me why I want to stay with him...It's because I fell in love with this guy. He was a different guy when I fell in love with him, but in my heart, he is still the same young boy that used to tell me how special I was...tell me how smart he thought I was, how beautiful...the same guy that even now, when I look into his eyes, I know he still cares for me deeply. His compliments made you feel cherished and special, and no doubt they were sincere. His melting glance also continues to touch your heart. The part of this picture that doesn't work is the way this guy is unwilling or unable to make his actions match his words. When you truly love someone and are willing and able to show it, like you loved your grandpa, you are THERE for them. You think about their needs and do your best to fill them, because it is a pleasure - even at a cost to yourself - such as lack of sleep, etc. And now you're telling me that this young prince would not even clean the family cat box, will not even lift that tiny task from your shoulders, for the sake of your grandpa's health, while you wear yourself to a wraith caring for a critically ill person? HOLY MOLEY! I think your "boyfriend" is gone, because he has been expecting you to focus 24/7 on him and his needs, and when you stopped doing that, even for a little while and for the best of reasons, he selfishly decided to move on. I expect he has either found or is seriously searching for someone more accommodating and spineless. I'm sorry to say that, but I think it's true. If you want to excuse him in your heart, just remember that he's young. (How young, by the way?) Don't bother with the begging (it won't work and it costs you your pride), or joint counselling. This young lad just doesn't have anything for you but the cheap stuff - the words and the looks. He can talk love, but it's clear he cannot or will not LIVE it for you. I would suggest counselling just for you - to help you through these painful losses - grandpa and boyfriend - and give you some coping strategies for rebuilding your life. A final note...your boyfriend (let's call him your ex now) may return to use his masculine charms on you and enjoy the benefits of a relationship with you. These post-breakup contacts are like a needle in the arm to a junkie who is trying to get clean, meaning they feel fantastic for a moment, and then prolong the pain even more than it has to last. So get clean from your ex, and stay clean, and detox. The day will come when you will feel happy and whole again. My best wishes to you.
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Posted November 12, 2003 Since you are his first and only girlfriend and as you stated....he is still a very young man....maybe he just needs some time to "test the waters" and make sure you are the one for him. It's hard to make a committment to someone when you have no past experiences to bounce it off from. It doesn't mean he's necessarily doubting his feelings for you....he may just want to confirm them by getting a little space to himself. I can see that you are really hurting over this....it's a tough place to be in. However, just like lots of people on this forum...and possibly thousands all over the world....broken hearts are often a part of the love process. There's no way to avoid it. You may work it out with him....and you may not. You have to be prepared to deal with it either way. I'm sorry you are going thru this....
Author kumi Posted November 12, 2003 Author Posted November 12, 2003 Thanks... I don't want to move on from this, although I am. I talked to a few friends, some relatives and I'll be seeing a therapist very soon...A friend of mine asked me if my boyfriend was close to my grandfather, and well, they were pretty close. My grandfather told me he loved my boyfriend and had me promise to take care of him, I don't want to be with someone whom my grandfather did not approve. My friend asked me if my boyfriend talked to anyone about my grandfather's death or if he showed any emotions, I said "no.", because he hadn't...in fact we all kinda thought that maybe he didn't even care about my grandpa. But if I think back on the times that he would help my grandpa, and how proud he was of a picture that his mom took of him and my grandfather together, I know that he did care. So my friend told me that maybe he is hurting deep down inside and that he just doesn't know how to deal with that. This is his first major death (as well as mine), and it's easier for him to just work work work and not spend time with me and feel that pain from the memories of my grandfather. She said that he will probably come back to me, and I want him to. I want to sit down and have a long talk with him and open him up and help him get through the loss of my grandfather, and maybe then we can finally have a good equal relationship with eachother. Does that at all sound plausible? (And, he's 18, I'm 20, we've been together since he was 15, but we've known eachother since he was 13) We're not like uhm.. "normal" people I guess you could say. We're both quite square, and like I said, there is no other woman in his life (short of his mom & grandma) -- so this whole break-up really doesn't make any sense to me. The relationship never felt really like a boyfriend/girlfriend thing..it always felt more like one of those things that just "are". So for now, I'm just giving him his space, letting him continue to work 24/7...I'm so scared that he doesn't think of me; doesn't miss me. I just really don't understand how anyone can spend every single day with someone, snuggling and loving them, build up a few years of memories (and to those with decades of memories..decades..) completely become part of eachother's worlds, families...and then a few days after promising to never end the relationship just decide that you're both never happy anymore, and that the relationship only gets worse each day, and just want to end it and never look back. I mean that would have be a gradual change, not something overnight, which would have to mean that he was pretending to love me for months, which just isn't possible because he isn't this type of person, not to mention the sincerity in his embrace and in his eyes and tone of voice just screamed that he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. I do want to reclaim my life, my old lifestyle, and I am. If he comes back, I will definately give it another go, however I hopefully don't let my heart hang on my sleeve, and maybe we can start over. I am definately not willing to just let this go. I worked long and hard for our relationship, he did too at times. I'm not ready to just give it up overnight, I really do think we have a shot at staying together if he is still wanting to. However, I don't even think he knows how he feels or what he wants at this point.
joey1911 Posted November 12, 2003 Posted November 12, 2003 You two are still very young and it's hard to stay committed to the first girl you've ever been with for the rest of your life, especially since you moved in together so soon. I dated this girl in High School and I thought I'd marry her, but we saw each other every day and it was great, but eventually ... what is left? We ran out of things to do, things to talk about. So, that could be one reason. Another reason is that he works all the time. I was in this situation too. I started a company and eventually time for my girlfriend ran out. So, I was working all the time and never saw her. Naturally, she started asking me when I was going to spend time with her. What started as asking soon became annoying and we broke up. It made perfect sense though. The less time I spent with her, the more she wanted me to spend time with her and the more she wanted to spend time with me, the more I felt pressured into spending time with her and the more I got annoyed. Should you move on, yes you should ... do you want to move on, no you don't. However, what is the point of holding on? It won't make him come back. So, move on with your life, you have a lot to offer. If he comes back, then he comes back and everything is good. That is my two cents.
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