Stopped drinking-lost love for the wife

[Muscles]

Dear Fellow infoseekers,

 

If you been boozing and have recovered, could you please take a minute or two to read this. I could sure use a seasoned & recovered alchoholics view.

 

After a 33 year run with alchohol I finally gave up the old bottle:cool:. Have done it several times in the past but never with such conviction!

 

I was never a job losing fish that couldn't get up and put in a serious day no matter how late I stayed up. Built my own business and accomplished anything I set my mind to. Was I at my best, No! But I got by without anyone knowing about a drop except for my immediate family.

 

At 47 I finally got disgusted with myself and wanted so much more out of life than just a hangover in the morning and celebration parties of my latest successes. I quit without help for the first 6 months and now i'm with AA because I wasn't living spiritually healthy.

 

Now for the bad part. I'm seriously not happy with my perfect wife who does everything for me and a marriage of 22 years. So much so that I can't stand to have her even close to me. We haven't been together for 4 months sexually and I have absolutey no interest in doing so either.

 

In AA I hear about people with so much happiness in their partners after recovery but also much pain and suffering from divorce etc. I keep waiting to walk in the door and have this realization that I have found my long lost love all over again.

 

The other side of me feels like I've been living a lie my entire married life and it is now coming to light! I feel so strongly about just leaving and starting over with a clean slate. Problem is there is a son involved and it would kill me to do this to him.

 

The marriage is coming apart daily and the tension is building with seperation looking like the only relief in sight.

 

I've immersed myself in my work in order to avoid the confrontations. I'm not having any affairs but i feel like my life is on hold spiritully. I am evolving with meditation and inner strength but I feel like I'm moving ahead with my life and leaving the rest behind me in the process.

 

I know your not supposed to be making big changes for the first year or so but i don't think either of us will make it to that point.

 

Would appreciate anyone's experiences with this. Am I on the road to ruin maritally or is there a joy bigger than I ever imagined in my future?

 

Stone "cold" Sober

[lord alfred douglas]

So youre saying that for essentially 22 years you were wearing beer goggles ?

[NotSoSmiley]

I wasn't with my boyfriend as long as you were with your wife. That being said, it sounds like your wife was codependent on you as an alcoholic as well as enabling your behavior. After 22 years, that is a very hard habit to break. While I commend you for your courage to break your habit, your wife also needs help now to break her habits. She has learned to live and deal with an alcoholic-that is not an easy thing. I'm sure she took care of you more than was needed-probably more than you even realized. It is hard to break habits and it won't be easy for her to stop doing everything for you. If she isn't already, she should join Al-Anon and if you are determined to make this work, you should really go to family counseling. These problems won't disappear overnight and you can't expect her to change overnight either.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[semperdolens]

unfortunately, sounds like my story!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196349

[JayJ]

Yeah I had a similar thing happen when I got sober....lost all sexual interest in my wife and then realized I had made a huge mistake getting married.

[westernxer]

So youre saying that for essentially 22 years you were wearing beer goggles ?

 

Such a kick-ass response. HAHAHAHAHA

[stillafool]

So much so that I can't stand to have her even close to me. We haven't been together for 4 months sexually and I have absolutey no interest in doing so either.

 

What is it about your wife that is turning you off at this stage? Can you be more specific?

 

 

The other side of me feels like I've been living a lie my entire married life and it is now coming to light!

 

Were you in love with your wife when you first married her or you just loved the person she was? Was there another woman before her that you wished you had married instead?

 

Sorry for all the questions. I have a friend who is going through the same thing and I was just wondering if your situation was similar to his. In truth I do need a little more information to give my opinion.

[Adunaphel]

Is this a recent thing/a recent set of uinpleasant feelings towards your wife?

 

Some people who got rid of a bad habit tend to get rid also of everybody around them whom they associate to the bad habit.

The very partner/friend who stayed with them *despite*their problem and supported them through it becomes a kind of baggage, a sort of living reminder of how they once had a problem.

Are you one of them?

Or are your marriage and your drinking problem two separate issues?

 

If the marriage has been on the rocks for a lot of time, now that you know you were strong enough to address a drinking problem, it might be easier to address marriage issues - expecially with a clear mind!

 

If your wife's only fault is to have seen you at your lowest... well, that would make you something very unpleasant.

[Gordon's Right]

Sometimes when a person goes through such a huge life transformation, they need time alone.

I think you should just tell your wife that you need a break to be alone right now, to deal with yourself. Find a mature and honest way to do so. Take this break before you decide on your actual marriage.

[semperdolens]

Sometimes when a person goes through such a huge life transformation' date=' [u']they need time alone.[/u]

 

I think you should just tell your wife that you need a break to be alone right now, to deal with yourself. Find a mature and honest way to do so. Take this break before you decide on your actual marriage.

 

I agree... I'm trying to deal with everything - wife, children, job, my recovery - at the same time and it's a nightmare...

[stuckinoz]

Let me get this straight.

Your wife stood by you for all those years, (whether she enabled you or not - irrelivant) while you were drinking yourself into oblivion?

And NOW that you have decided to become sober & see the world thru non-pickled eyes~YOU decide YOU were living a lie? Holy Crap!!!!!

For CRYING OUT LOUD! Wake up!! She stood by you!!!!! She very well could have chucked the whole marriage due to your drinking. But did she? NO!

I say, suck it up! Figure out how to be in love with your wife again - stop using your child as an excuse - or just get the hell out & let her have a life. She deserves something for having to put up with you all those years.

 

Sorry....kinda hit a personal nerve with me!

[trippi1432]

Let me get this straight.

Your wife stood by you for all those years, (whether she enabled you or not - irrelivant) while you were drinking yourself into oblivion?

And NOW that you have decided to become sober & see the world thru non-pickled eyes~YOU decide YOU were living a lie? Holy Crap!!!!!

For CRYING OUT LOUD! Wake up!! She stood by you!!!!! She very well could have chucked the whole marriage due to your drinking. But did she? NO!

I say, suck it up! Figure out how to be in love with your wife again - stop using your child as an excuse - or just get the hell out & let her have a life. She deserves something for having to put up with you all those years.

 

Sorry....kinda hit a personal nerve with me!

 

 

Sorry Muscles, but I have to give Kudos to StuckinOz on this post. It's amazing how much alcohol still ruins lives even after the bottle is empty. (Personal nerve here too.)

[2sunny]

see this all the time. are you willing to do the work it takes for both of you to grow in the same direction at this point? is she?

 

counseling can certainly help.

 

if you are working a strong program in AA - sponsor, steps, meetings - it is likely to bring a lot of changes to you and your life. for a healthy M it will also require your wife to adjust to those changes herself. does she go to al-anon meetings? she would gain some insight there. she essentially works the same steps in that program - allowing BOTH of you to be the best individuals you are meant to be.

keep this in mind... if nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

if you are changing and she isn't - it can easily give the relationship the aura that you are now experiencing. a NEW way and path needs to be found for the marriage. it also changes the dynamics of the marriage and your individual relationships. are you willing to find that path with HER? time will tell. your action based program will be key either way for your sobriety.

 

it's hard - yes. the hardest stuff is what i am most proud. ; - )

[Tayla]

A sincere no offense to the Poster (and I do hope he responds on some of the members advice). But I get such a kick out of hearing the first year recovery persons' story. How in the bottle they still are....Its still everyone else, its still how well they concealed the addiction/alcoholism, Trust me!! 99.9% of the people knew,you just weren't listening/looking.

It will be a wonderous thing when the person really gets the wake up call and they truly do face themselves .

 

Yes counseling is a must for this guys marriage. He isnt going to GET his part on the whole scenario til a third party can bring this to the forefront.

 

I really hope this guy can work it out, but like another member said, if not, then do the right thing and let the wife live the rest of her life with some happiness....

[stuckinoz]

I'm curious - The "Addiction" Forum of LS - people post & disappear FREQUENTLY never to be heard from again. I find this quite interesting.

Doesn't happen on any other Thread I've participated in.

 

Anyway, I really would like to know how often something like this really does happen. Once your brain is no longer pickled - do you decide that "This isn't what I signed up for"?

[2sure]

"You aint much fun since I quit drinkin"...remember that song?

 

Addiction to substance, addiction to affairs, etc...all of those things are selfish to begin with. They leave out your spouse and family...well, to you.

 

Sounds like you've quit drinking but still have to work on selfish. For 22 years it was all about you and your drinking. Maybe try making it all about her now. Or better - all about the marriage.

[mark982]

buddy you owe it to yourself and her to hang in there till the fog lifts and see how things are.

[ADF]

Stories like yours are more common than a lot of people think. I think there's two things you need to keep in mind.

 

1) People who stop drinking suddenly often become depressed, irritable, insomniac, and have all kinds of psychological problem related to withdrawl. These problems can go on for months, sometimes even years. Without relaizing it, you could be experiencing some of these issues and attributing them to your wife.

 

2) You were an active drunk for most of your marriage. Your wife adapted to it however she could, and that became the basis of your relationship. Now, everything is changed. You have to find a different way of being with each other. That can also be a huge adjustment, one not every couple can make.

[Ecosse]

I'll begin by posting that I am not in recovery so my input might not be as subjective... I have however worked in an inpatient rehab and have some understanding of addiction and recovery.

 

My best advise is this.

 

Ask about your meeting if anybody has had similar circumstances. Id also take this up with a councilor who would be best suited for dealing with these issues. Im guessing that your brain chemistry is a little off still. This can manifest as various disorders such as anxiety, depression etc (ever heard of a dry drunk?). I would really encourage you to not toss in the towel as of yet. Get yourself some solid professional input and see where that takes you.

 

Congrats on getting sober!

[Crusoe]

Am I on the road to ruin maritally or is there a joy bigger than I ever imagined in my future?

 

 

When I quit the booze I couldn't bear to be near people who knew me well, it was almost as if I didn't know them anymore, like they were strangers and I just did not want them as a part of my life.

Eventually I took time out, told everyone what I needed time alone, packed a few bare essentials and spent 19 days on my own in a nearby forest. Both nature and absolute solitude are a great teachers and you really get to know yourself.

By the time I returned I craved to be with the those "strange" people again. So no, you are not necessarily on the road to marital ruin.

 

Also, I was pretty much living as a tramp by the time I decided to quit. Eight years later I owned a small business and had paid off the mortgage on my home. So yes there could well be a joy bigger than you ever imagined in your future.

 

You too sound like a fella who needs some time alone, to find who the sober you really is, and to learn to appreciate what he has got. It could be the best thing you ever do.

[Clep]

My now ex treated my son and I like crap when he was drinking. He left and became addicted to coke too. Since he was on coke he handled his emotions quite well...that's what coke does. Masks all emotions. We reconcilled. He left again after eight months when I found out about everything, finding the coke and all. He went to rehab a year later and came out amazing without coke or booze. He relapsed six months later and was worse than ever.

 

We went to a marriage/addictions specialist psycologist. That didn't help. He quit, ended up back in AA months later. He then left me saying he never loved me as I was just a sick obsession.

 

Our six year old son tried to commit suicide without dad in his life again for the third time. When he found out he just said staying sober was the best he could do for our son. He has not once called to see how he is, would not sign the documents for our son to go to therapy. He is gone, started a new life, left the old one with me, bills, business to run alone and dogs I can't stand.

 

He wonders why I won't trust him and give him another chance. Wowww. He has not a bit of empathy or compassion for anyone around him. He uses the "selfish program" crap..well he did when we used to speak.

 

I am a single parent now, going with my son to therapy twice a week on weeknights, beavers one other night where I am a beaver leader, all day saturdays in courses for divorce and abuse and he says he can't handle too much.

 

After all the support I gave him through the years he leaves and uses recovery as his licence. Selfish, selfish.

 

Maybe cut out some paper shoes, put them on the floor, step on them and try to get into the shoes of your wife. I mean literally do this. Think of things from her point of view. Maybe that will bring you even a little bit of empathy for the crap she had to have put up with over the years.

 

Maybe go out and buy the book "The seven levels of intimacy" by Matthew Kelly, read it and see where that takes you.

 

Sorry that I sound nasty, I am just in shock hearing this from someone else, as it sounded so ridiculous to me when my ex was saying this crap.

[always_searching]

So youre saying that for essentially 22 years you were wearing beer goggles ?

 

:lmao:

 

That's exactly what I was wondering...

[You Go Girl]

I agree... I'm trying to deal with everything - wife, children, job, my recovery - at the same time and it's a nightmare...

 

And you want to throw divorce into the mix? Cuz there just isn't enough nightmare?

I think you should slow down. Your renewed energy, coupled with your withdrawal, and then your seeing life as you haven't seen it in many many years is enough to handle.

Give yourself a break for not feeling very romantic, give her a break for not being perfect, because although you call her perfect, you obviously at this point and time don't think so.

Time to cut her some slack. It's her time now. She gave to you-now give back.

[semperdolens]

yes, I've cut her quite a lot of slack and things are ok... I'm not putting any pressure on anybody (not even myself) and I'm taking one day at a time...