East Coast/West Coast LDR

[Just Call Me Reba]

I have been reading and observing others comments in this section for about a week now. I will say I am very happy to have found this site. It is wonderful to read how others handle their LDRs...the up, the downs, the good points and bad. All of which I can relate to in some way shape or form. Though each circumstance may be different...we all share a common bond in the fact that we are miles away from that special someone in our lives. Coping with the distance is not easy and endurance and understanding play a chief roll in the success of a LDR just the same as one where two people see each other day to day. Only in a LDR we have to have a lot more understanding and endurance...and tons of patience.

 

I have to get some things out of me...and maybe no one will read my ramblings...but at least I will feel better once I type how I feel. But if you want to sit back have a cold drink and blow some time...here I go!

 

I have been in a relationship with my s/o for 3 years, 9 months and 13 days. Can you tell I am a woman? We do tend to have a great memory when it comes to those sort of issues. I live near the east coast and he resides right on the west coast, making our distance not as far as those of you in other countries but for us it is definitely the other end of the world.

 

We met of course by way of internet...otherwise our paths may have never crossed. We began as online buddies...then went to private email...talking by phone and finally meeting in March of 06. I have to say that week we first spent together face to face...was an amazing wonder to the both of us. He and I can say his name because no one knows me here...Michael was dating another woman at the time, but nothing too involved. They had just met in December and he had been reluctant to meet me at first because he didn't want the hassle from her if she found out about it. Let's just say she had taken him house hunting the first week after they met and scared him to death proposing they move in together. She was a rebound of course for him and he was for her as well. As an outsider looking in I knew from the get go they would never make it. She wanted a man steady in her life and he wanted to date and have fun.

 

We spent our first week together and I flew back home...both of us wishing we had more time together but we communicated well by phone not knowing when we would see each other next. We just knew we would and that was good enough for us.

 

At the time we first met...he had bought a business where he had worked for 13 years. The owner retired and they worked out a deal satisfactory to both. He moved out of his apartment where he and his ex girlfriend had lived back into his parents home...to save on finances and concentrate his efforts towards building the business. The owner had lost interest, was getting old and wanted to retire so he didn't see a point in growth. Michael had his work cut out for him and had to roll some of his savings into the biz to get it in the black.

 

Our first meeting was in a condo I had found and I have to say...it was much like a honeymoon...we both seemed to get along as if we had known each other forever. Which amazed us both.

 

Two weeks after I returned home...he ended up in the hospital. He had stepped on a sharp rock while we were on the beach and him being diabetic...well his toe became seriously infected. I talked to him everyday from the hospital but when he got out...things got a bit weird. He stopped calling very much and when he did it was brief. I couldn't put my finger on the problem until one day I just flat out texted him and said..."You owe me an explanation". I can be direct like that.

 

It seems that text stirred up a hornets nest cause it got intercepted by this woman...which I had been led to believe wasn't all that important. Seems while he was in the hospital...she went to his mom and told her that they were moving in together. She gathered up his things and moved them, then he was released and taken by her to her place. Here he was unable to work, she was going in for him and doing her work too and he was stuck. He called me after that text and told me the truth.

 

So I told him...he got himself into the fix, he had to get himself out of it. And until then...I wasn't going to be a party to coming between him and this woman. Where I come from you can get yourself shot for that. Not to mention I respect folks and their relationships. Never been a home wrecker...wasn't gonna start then.

 

I will say...I was upset and it disturbed me how I felt for him and missed him. I do not believe in love at first sight but I will say...I have huge gut instincts that won't leave me alone at times. I felt there was something extremely special about this man when he was with me. But there was nothing I could do about it at that time.

 

He would call me from time to time and want to vent...I would listen but when he tried to get on the subject of us, I would just tell him he was involved and made no difference how I felt, he had to try to make it work with her or get out. My getting involved with him would not be the answer. So I had to distance myself from him and stop being his listening ear...pretty much backing away from the friendship we had started with.

 

Hardest thing I ever had to do...cause my feelings were strong for him just as the day we had met.

 

Finally that summer...three months after his move...he left and told his mom he was coming back. She later told me she regreted pushing him to stay with this woman but she thought it was what he needed and was lied to from the get go about the whole relationship. She of course did know I existed cause Michael talked to her several times about me.

 

Michael called me out of the blue one day...I almost did not take that call. He told me he had left the woman...it was over and she was in that rejection stage. The worst kind...revenge and the works.

 

Wouldn't much I could do but listen. However through our later conversations...he asked me about us seeing each other again. He told me he had let me slip away once...and realized what a mistake he had made.

 

We met again in September and have been together ever since.

 

For the most part our relationship flowed everytime we flew to see each other. He came here and I went there and at that time we managed a once a month extended weekend from Friday to Monday. Summer 07 was a landmark...my birthday he took me out and gave me a card. Something he had never done. I had gotten flowers and dinners, but that card was something special. He wrote me the sweetest addition to it saying he had the best time of his life on that visit and he could honestly say he truely loved me. Up to that point he had never said those words...even though we knew we had something quite special. I refrained from telling him...even though I already knew I loved him a long time before that day.

 

Two weeks later, however, he bottom fell out of those clouds when he went to his high school reunion. He went out with a bunch of folks and one thing led to the other...and he got carried away with a girl who was married from somewhere...dont know where. She flew back and he didnt know how to tell me. One stand was all it was.

 

The tension mounted and my next visit to him was delayed because he was acting out of character. I thought it was because we couldn't see each other and he was lonely and out of sorts missing me. But it was the guilt of what he had done and not being able to open up with me the way we always had.

 

I felt awkward and in turn my personality got a bit testy. Us women tend to get that way when we feel out of balance with what has been for the most part in balance.

 

I began to put two and two together...so I told him to be honest and tell me what was up. He did. At first I was not in a good state of mind. But we still talked and there was still that special bond between us...though strained as it was. I flew out to see him for a few days and we focused on each other. Not on what had been done...but each other. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that a break up was not neccessary. We had too much still left to do together and explore together.

 

I flew back home not wanting to approach the subject of his fling. Thought carefully and pulled out my card...reading it. Then I called him...doing something way out of character for me. I can honestly say he was speechless.

 

I told him, that we were solid....that we had something few people would ever experience in their lifetimes...friendship....sexual unity and a very unique bond when it came to us as companions. The distance was taking its toll on us...everytime we got together then went our seperate ways it became harder to cope. He wanted me there with him...and he wanted me there more than I could be. I wanted him the same. But we were stuck....I had a child in school and uprooting her again was out of the question. She had settled well after my divorce. We had moved from the only home she had ever known three states away just to get me away from my ex husband. Her grades were picking up and I was working, had bought a house and her teen years were staring us in the face. He had his business....his children there and had to focus on them and his getting his career in order so he could get his own place again.

 

Moving was not a logical option. So I called him...letting him know I was confident we were going to be ok. But I also told him I understood his needs....his lonliness....his desire to be fullfilled in every way. My hands were tied...I could only do so much from 1200 miles away. He listened as I almost broke into tears telling him...he was a man with many needs and I knew I couldn't be there for him during the times when his needs needed to be met. I could only do so much by phone and our times together were getting further apart. So I told him I loved him with all my heart and I would be understanding if at times he needed to seek intimate comfort with another woman. As long as it was only that...and it did not effect our time together. I had to hang up and call him back to finish. I did not want to break down and let me say...the tears flowed from me like nothing before. I cried a river that is named after me for sure.

 

When I got my composure back...I called him and he was still absorbing what I had said and still not believing it. But he did tell me he knew how hard that must have been and I must surely love him immensely to say that.

 

I set a few boundaries, mostly that this buddy system as we called it absolutely not come between us and our time together and for the most part once it began he kept those boundaries in tack. There were times when I had to snap him back in place...but he always told the women up front about me and us...and that his involvement with them was nothing more than a temporary thing. If these buddies developed feelings they ended things and he moved on. Of course my number one concern was safety and making sure he didn't get some sort of STD. He was in agreement to all of this, no problem. And he encouraged me to do the same, but let's face it....I am not made up that way. I did attempt to try it just so I didnt stay at home while he was out, but I didn't enjoy anything about the mere idea of such an action.

 

So I have dealt with our system and coped pretty well. For the most part I am understanding and try to support our LDR in every way I can imagine.

 

We have come a long way in our nearly 4 years together. Sometimes we see each other alot and sometimes it is months on end before we can get together.

 

Recently in the past months I have actually met one of these women...I had hoped to be her friend but she let it slip that they had been together the night before one of my trips out there. And that was not part of his and my agreement. We were suppose to distance ourselves from others during the week before and after we were together. Doing our count down and excitement phase of being together again. When I had flown out...our first night together he could perform well...and once I found out why that really upset me to no end. Not just his tacky timing but the fact that he lied to me as to why he had not called me the night before I flew out and waited til I landed to respond to my call that I was getting on the plane. Our routine was we called during layovers and when we left and got there...just to build the excitement.

 

Once we got over that hurdle....a month later he was flying back from my visit but cancelled it when a text came through from a woman in Alaska who was meeting him at the airport the very day he was leaving me. I saw that text and was not believing how tacky and inconsiderate he was being. He did cancel his flight and stay with me for another month and a half. This was right before Christmas and his business had failed so he had the time to stay and did. Good move on his part or we would have been toast.

 

However...I am having trust issues with him and they are effecting us. We do have this amazing way of working through things once the hurt subsides, but I am feeling awkward. I am the one who told him to go with this and he has not followed the guidlines we set. It hurts and gets in the way of our time together.

 

He told me a few days ago I had changed and that he wasn't sure about our future. To date....we had planned on me moving once my daughter graduates from high school....short of two years. We have come so far and yet he is saying he is not sure. Nothing about me has changed...just the circumstances with which were changed due to his not being up front and honest.

 

No he has not found someone else through one of these ventures...why do I know without a shadow of doubt? Well very simple...his mom thinks I hung the moon...and she would straight up call me if anything of that sort was going on...after she ripped into him for being such a goofy man. She knows everything about everybody...just her nature. She doesnt get involved with our problems...but if she thinks anyone in her family is being stupid...she will tell them. Then they think about it and realize she is a pretty hard and a smart woman. So trust me when I say...there is no one else.

 

We are still together and will see each other in September. He says he does not want me out of his life and feels now he has to lie to me to keep me in it. His lieing is what is driving me into another place. My personality can't accept it. I am honest to the core and we worked so well as a unity when we were honest. It's all I ask of him. To be honest...and not allow his time with others to take away our special time...which right now is minimal with his work schedule. We ride to work by phone together and home together....but on his off days he rarely calls to say good morning and never at night.

 

He says no one he spends time with is the same as me. I stay at his folks when I go there...he does not bring the Fb;s there nor does he allow them around his children. I have that privelege and that alone.

 

However when these women call....he does talk to them when I am there WITH him. He drives around the block before he gets home and I have actually gone out to meet him with a drink and a smile and caught him doing it. He said that he couldn't help they called and told them I was there visiting, but it hurts no matter how he explains it.

 

I want to get past this...I honestly from my heart want to move on with us...but I dont know how. I have thought about a seperation where we do not talk until September...but then I think if this FB system bit me in the butt...I could just be adding to our present load of problems by suggesting it. A structured healing seperation can work. It can help both parties see what they are missing once they dont have it in their lives everyday. But he didnt follow the guidelines before...and I am concerned he will not this time.

 

I do believe he loves me...I am confident in the two years he has played that no one has come close to filling my shoes, nor has he wanted them to. But this seperation might backfire and he may see it as me bailing.

 

I just want us to get back the flow...I want to not be so upset and hurt and trust him again. And I want him to be honest again. And I ant him to trust me to deal with everything the way I did before I suggested any of it!

 

Comments are welcome if you are still here after my rambling.

[aerogurl87]

This is why I hate open relationships. I must commend you on trying to stick it out through this, but I know that if I knew my boyfriend was messing around with other girls, even if there was no emotional connection, I'd be pissed off. I know you want to save what you have, but it seems that the heartache from what he's done and continues to do is tearing you apart. The way I see it, there are two options. 1) You two need to become completely monogamous or 2) you need to just end it. Humans are not meant to be polyamorous and have multiple partners while engaging in an intensely emotional relationship with one person. That's not how we function.

 

The fact that you told him that was ok in the first place was a mistake though. That's just my opinion. From the moment he started messing around with other women, while you obviously weren't, things started going downhill. At best I see you two being really good friends, but there are some things you can't get over. A one night fling, a secret live in girlfriend, talking to other women while your with him, and making arrangements to sleep with them the night before you arrive and the night you leave aren't good signs. Yeah he may say he loves you, but true love waits and is monogamous. People do have needs, but if you love someone those needs can only be met by that person. You don't want anyone else, even if you are feeling majorly frisky. But that's just me.

[Just Call Me Reba]

Thank you so much aero for responding. I understand what you are saying. I have thought about the break up part...I hardly can go back after saying I'm ok with an open relationship and take that back. I don't regret it...I meant it from my heart cause I wanted to ease the strain of what I couldn't do for him. I ama firm believer people make mistakes...but at the same time, they must learn from them. If he doesn't learn from these experiences and they are repeated...then he leaves me no choice but to walk. However, hopefully we can work through this...I am certain we were meant to be together and I am certain he would not want to do this if we were together every day. We lived together last summer while he came here to look for work. If he had found something...he would have stayed and somehow gone back and forth to the kids. However economy here was awful and it was a wasted effort so he returned home and found something eventually there.

 

I will say when he was here....we were monogomous...it worked fine and we got through day to day just fine with each other. We had time to learn our quirks and the things that irritate you about each other but we always came out laughing...we are both have very good sense of humors that play off the other. LDRs are different...and very few men will be monogomous....not that they aren't...just most times women don't find out. I am very intuitive...which is bad sometimes for me. And he does not cover well at all. Like I said...I am understanding and always will be. I do want to work this out...we have come so far and we both know that to end this would be a great loss to both of us.

 

He called after I wrote this...I had put into words how I felt and the hurt I was experiencing. He knows my reactions have been due to his actions. So he more than likely is thinking long and hard. When I suggested a seperation he did not think that was the answer...so we are going to talk face to face in September. I don't want to tell him what I have decided by email or phone. I think in person is best. But it's very similar to what you suggested...friends, but we will still see each other and work toward the future...in a platonic way. I don't know how that's gonna fly but we will see. If he loves me as much as I believe in my heart he does...it will wake him up. I have to get my trust in him back before we can enjoy the intimacy.

 

Thanks again....

[aerogurl87]

I really do hope things work out for you two. But what said somewhat bothered me.

 

I will say when he was here....we were monogomous...it worked fine and we got through day to day just fine with each other. We had time to learn our quirks and the things that irritate you about each other but we always came out laughing...we are both have very good sense of humors that play off the other. LDRs are different...and very few men will be monogomous....not that they aren't...just most times women don't find out.

 

If someone really truly loves you then they will only be interested in being intimate with you. My boyfriend and I had a discussion about this and I told him in advance that the excuse of "I have needs" wasn't going to fly. I have needs to, but I love him and won't just go anywhere to get those needs met. Is he cheating on me? I highly doubt it. Why? Because he loves me and knows that his "needs" can only met by this girl right here. As only my sexual needs can be met by being intimate with him. Also it sounds to me like you might be settling. Yes I know you love this man and want to be with him, but really if he felt the same do you think he would be doing half of what he's done and is continuing to do? I mean the flings with lots of women, the one night stand, all the lying. Love makes people change for the better and makes them want to be monogamous even if it is hard. I know you meant well by doing what you did, but I also know that open relationships usually do more harm than good. I just hope you two can get past this and at least be friends.

[Just Call Me Reba]

I have to say every case is different. I am the one who told him it was ok...so I have no problem with that. I know if he wanted them in his life or loved them he would not be with me. My problem does exist becaue he stepped out fo bounds causing me to react negatively....then he lied to cover keep from hurting me cause of my reactions. Yes this is a mess now...but he knows full well that I cannot stay if he continues to lie to me. I still have two years before I move there...and even then...I will only move if I have a good job and if he is willing to commit in the way that it should be with us being together day to day. He does love me...I know it seems hard for you to understand...but he does. And if it doesnt work out...then we will be friends eventually.

 

I have many friends in open relationships...most of them are happy if they approach things in the proper manner. And I talked to one of them before considering the issue. She gives me pretty sound advise when she can. Right now I am concentrating on me...and getting past the non trust issue. He has texted me three times since our talk earlier...because I will not call him anymore. It's up to him to correct his mistakes and he knows it. As long as he meets me halfway with this...I will be fine.

 

I turned my back on a man once...because I couldn't have everything just so so....not sure that was the right thing to do. Because the way I believe is love does not expect anything. It flows without expectations. As long as he learns from his mistakes, I will continue to work with him on this.

 

And if we can get where we can see each other twice a month...as we plan...then this issue will be resolved. I have no doubt there.

 

I do apprecaite your opinions and you expressing them. I just don't believe as you do. And I don't believe I am settling. This may not work...but I have to try and see if it does. Otherwise I will always wonder if I walked away too soon.

 

Sometimes we have to face a little pain...before we get things right. My friends in open relationships have told me that once you get through the hurdles...thinmgs plane out...and the excitement of the other woman or man goes away. There is no cheating because you are open about it and know about it so it takes away from real reason you do it anyway. Most men cheat for the thrill of getting away with something. Lord knows why they feel that way...and women do it too. I'm not saying btw your man does...I know many who would never. Those are few and far between. I had one in my life...his problem was he drank way too much and he wouldn't stop. He loved me, just not himself so I walked. I wonder sometimes if I had stayed...could I have helped him stop. But I will never know....I turned my back on him.

 

Thanks again...for your time. I hope you will always be happy and your relationship will always flourish. Everyone deserves that in life.

 

Take care and my best to you....Reba

[BWLoca]

I don't think I would ever agree to let my b/f sleep with other women but if you think you can handle it, fine. The thing that would bother me is that you are compromising SO much and being VERY understanding, and he can't even respect the few boundaries you gave him.

 

If he can't do that, then maybe you should think about taking a break. You're being really nice and he has no room to complain.

[Just Call Me Reba]

I have thought exactly what you said many times and always felt selfish for thinking it....thank you for this...my best

 

Reba

[aerogurl87]

My thing is I just don't want you to get hurt more than you obviously already are. I mean if he's hiding things in what is supposed to be an open relationship, then to me that's a red flag. Yes you should stick things out I believe if there is any hope of the relationship surviving. But ONLY if he's willing to own up to his mistakes (ex. his lies and disrespect for your set boundaries). I wish you luck though in your LDR and hope things work out. I'm a romantic and God knows I love a happy ending.

[Lucky_One]

.I hardly can go back after saying I'm ok with an open relationship and take that back.

 

Sure you can. People change their minds every day, which is exactly how a healthy relationship changes and evolves with how the partners change and grow.

 

You tried it, you don't like it. You just tell him that. And then the ball is in his court - he can decide what is more important. You OR a piece of strange that has the potential to become an emotional relationship (because every piece of a$$ has that chance).

 

I wish you luck. This would not be a relationship that would work for me, but maybe you can figure something out without compromising your own beliefs too much.