Sincere concern or total BS?

[befuddled1]

You may recall my post about feeling that my BF doesn't really listen to me, that he often cuts me off when I'm talking, or totally changes the subject, just seems easily distracted.

 

Well today I emailed him a sincere letter which included some of the areas of concern I have.

 

His response was very nasty, but he then admitted he lashed out like that because he feels that I'm so disappointed in him and he wanted to give me a taste of having someone disappointed in you.

 

Anyway, I was sure things were over between us, but he apologized and said we should discuss things on the phone as things can get out of hand when trying to communicate via email......so he called me.

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think he'll ever be the kind of man I want or deserve, that he'll never be perfect and that he's afraid he's always going to disappoint me.......that the stupid things he admittedly blurts out (insensitive things, things about past girlfriends, etc), he knows they are stupid but blurting out stupid things is just a part of who he is and he's not sure he could change that.

 

He said he's concerned that I have him under a constant microscope and that I am always analyzing what he says and does, and he's not sure he can live like that....that he doubts he'll ever be able to live up to the kind of man I deserve. He went on to say that I raised valid points and he agreed with my concerns...and he could understand where I was coming from, but he just feels like he'll always let me down...or that he'll continue to be with me, but always fearing getting an email or phonecall from me, telling him that "it's over."

 

I'm not about to take back things that are a legitimate concern to me, and a lot of the things that have bothered me have been based on a lack of respect toward me, on his part..whether intentional or not. (for example, the other night he was at his place, looking through his fridge, trying to see if he had the ingredients to make us dinner..I was on my way over...and he made some comment about a "dildo" and he was laughing, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.....it then became obvious that he was referring to his ex live-in girlfriend's dildo that she supposedly kept in the fridge. I was grossed out, and couldn't figure out how we went from him checking to see if he had tartar sauce, to him bringing up his ex's frickin dildo.....)...not am I about to beg someone to try and work things out, I see no point. If something's meant to be, it will be.

 

He then said that he feels pressured.......he knows I'm at the age where I don't have much time left to have children....he's a year younger than me, and he feels pressured too, because he knows if he doesn't start a family soon, he won't want to. He said he feels a responsiblity to me and he doesnt' want to hurt me or waste my time......for me to be sitting here 2 years from now and finding out he wasn't the guy for me, and me having then, no more time left to have the marriage/having children that I want. He's afraid he will not live up to my expectations (my only expectations are that he treats me like a lady and with respect and dignity) and he'll end up wasting my time.

 

He says he also feels a responsibility to himself..that he also knows he doesn't have much time left to marry and start a family..that like myself, that's something he's always wanted......and he also doesn't want to be with me, only one day to find out it doesn't work out and then it's too late for him to turn the clock back.

 

While part of me respected him for not wanting to waste each others' time, another part of me felt like he was simply making "excuses" for questioning whether we should remain together......and at the root of that, a real belief on his part that he is the way he is and that he's not about to change for me or anyone (not that I've asked him to).

 

So I told him that if he's got such doubts, that we should end things. He then said he needed to think about it...that my letter to him today really blew him away, and it made him feel like such a disappointment (I mostly brought up things like...he doesn't take me out on real dates, he talks crudely to me a lot, brings up past girlfriends a lot, doesn't acknowledge that I'm at his place when his brother phones him, etc).........he seemed to be indicating that we should just chill out, that he needed time to "think about" whether he wanted to continue on with me. I told him that that's a copout and I refuse to sit in limbo, waiting for someone to make up their mind as to whether they want to be in a relationship with me.....that if they are so unsure, they should move on, so that I can find someone who is sure.

 

He then got snarky and told me, "well my decision is that there's no decision"....and then no sooner than 5 minutes later, he's had a total change of heart, and tells me he wants to just continue as before.........that he's decided he wants to be with me and hang out with me and that's that.

 

I'm thinking that my letter to him hit a nerve.......for several reasons. I think he might have lower self esteem than he appears..and he takes things really personally, and it was a real blow to read that I had concerns with some of the ways he treats me......that somehow he now feels like a failure and a loser (neither of which I called him or even intimated)...I think also, that part of him got so defensive because the issues I've raised are ones that MUST have come up in his past relationships.......and maybe that just compounds him feeling like a screw-up.

 

I can't help it though..I care for him dearly and I see so much good in him, but I have boundaries and I will not settle for being disrespected, nobody should. We teach people how we want to be treated and I feel that unless you speak up and let them know that stuff isn't acceptable, then you can't expect them to read your mind and get a grip.

 

I must say, however, that I am a little concerned that on one hand, he agrees with the issues I raised and says he can totally understand where I was coming from, but on the other hand being so unsure that he'll be able to change and be the man I want. If you really care about someone and you acknowledge that you've acted like a bonehead, wouldn't you strive to improve yourself and the way you treat them, because you DON'T want to lose them, as opposed to just giving up and saying "I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you, I don't think I'll ever be the kind of man you deserve to have."

 

Just not sure what to make of all this. I'm willing to back off and become a little more unavailable, and maybe have a few less expectations........but on the other hand, I'm not about to compromise myself.

 

Our relationship started off like a whirlwind.....initiated mostly by him. He couldn't seem to get enough of me. He was very attentive and couldn't stop telling me how much I meant to him. Why do guys do this.........then one day wake up and realize things moved very quickly, and then they suddenly decide to back off....leaving you, the woman, to wonder what is wrong and what did you do or say to cause the sudden backing off? This is a guy who told me early on that he could marry me tomorrow, he would....and I didn't take that to mean that he was saying he'd marry me next week......but as someone who IS looking to settle down with the right person, when a girl hears this kind of thing, and similar things which include talk of a "future together", she can't help but interpret that as the guy really seeing a potential future with her. I brought this up and he said that he was just saying those things, I guess because he was excited and got caught up in the moment, but geez, these are big things to be saying to someone who cares about you........a girl really takes this kind of thing to heart.

 

I don't get men, I guess.

 

But despite this all, I see so much good in him and I have the utmost respect and admiration for him. I don't expect him to be perfect, I just want him to treat me with respect and consideration.

[moimeme]

Befuddled

 

listen to me.

 

because he feels that I'm so disappointed in him .

This is, almost word for word, EXACTLY what my ex would say.

 

Our relationship started off like a whirlwind.....initiated mostly by him. He couldn't seem to get enough of me. He was very attentive and couldn't stop telling me how much I meant to him

 

This is SO classic! I've read hundreds of stories exactly like this.

 

must say, however, that I am a little concerned that on one hand, he agrees with the issues I raised and says he can totally understand where I was coming from, but on the other hand being so unsure that he'll be able to change and be the man I want. If you really care about someone and you acknowledge that you've acted like a bonehead, wouldn't you strive to improve yourself and the way you treat them, because you DON'T want to lose them, as opposed to just giving up and saying "I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you, I don't think I'll ever be the kind of man you deserve to have."

 

This, too. There isn't a textbook yet - someone I know is writing one - but this is just exactly the same as the situations of many, many, MANY AD/HD spouses. He may or may not have it, but so much of this is so similar to my story and that of so many others that it would be worth it, I think to read up on AD/HD.

 

Here's my favourite resource:

 

http://www.pediatricneurology.com/adhd.htm

 

Read Chapter 10. It deals with kids, but the behaviours can be observed in adults in a different way (a man won't leap out of his seat, but he'll be restless often).

 

If you are going to have a relationship with this guy, you need to know that these 'jerk' behaviours are caused by the executive function deficits they have; inability to plan, remember past circumstances, use foresight, etc etc. These things don't change though eventually, with treatment, they can improve to varying degrees.

 

If he's amenable, run him through this self-diagnosis test: http://www.amenclinic.com/ac/addtests/

 

That site also has a lot of good information about AD/HD in adults.

[Tony T]

My gut feeling is this guy comes from a highly dysfunctional family and also has some psychological learning and perceptual issues. I don't think he'll ever listen to anybody without interrupting...I've known people like that. You're not going to change him no matter how hard you try. I know there are some good guys out there and I urge you to entertain the notion that it's much better that you pass up the idea of procreation if not doing so would mean marriage to someone who would create chaos for you and your children.

 

He may even have a touch of adult ADHD, or it may have come right on up from his childhood. In any case, I don't think the energy you are putting into this relationship will give you the results you want. If the guy won't get help...or at least keep his mouth shut while you're talking and listen to what you're saying, what's the point in keeping him around. Sounds like a pretty lonely existence to me.

 

The guy doesn't have a clue about how to conduct a healthy relationship. When we get older, we ought to catch on to at least some of this stuff without having to have it spelled out for us. This guy is just plain dense.

[moimeme]

The guy doesn't have a clue about how to conduct a healthy relationship. When we get older, we ought to catch on to at least some of this stuff without having to have it spelled out for us. This guy is just plain dense.

 

Could be, however if he's one of the 4% of people who have AD/HD, he's never been able to learn social skills properly. He'll talk your ear off about himself but not understand the give-and-take of conversation or of doing things like favours. He'll drift off in the middle of conversations - or even sex. This isn't 'denseness'; these are actually deficits in ability to function. They can't be fixed by 'trying' - the right software is missing, period.

 

There are social skills coaches and courses; eventually people can learn these skills, but they haven't picked them up from daily life the way we all do as we grow up.

 

And they have been called 'stupid', 'inconsiderate', and 'thoughtless' all their lives, no matter how hard they tried - because they cannot try themselves better.

[beentheredonethat]

I've been in a relationship with a guy who sounds alot alike. Instead of being man enough to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his shortcomings and areas that need work, that have likely come up in each of his past relationships, it's much easier for him to try and elicit sympathy from you by giving you the old "I'm afraid I'll never measure up the kind of man you deserve" speech. What better way to skirt the blame and avoid having to make some changes than to try to put you in a position where you will feel badly and say "oh dear you are not a disappointment to me and maybe I over reacted".

 

If someone truly cares about you, they will take to heart your concerns and they will examine themself to see if there is any truth to it and they will not want to lose you, so they will commit to making the necessary changes. This is non synonymous with someone having to change who they are to be loved by somebody, this all about being an adult and being open to the fact that you have areas that need to be worked on.

 

If my boyfriend brought up some ex's sex toy that was or wasn't still in his fridge I would be extremely put off and feel that he didn't have any consideration for my feelings and I would likely have a good hard think about what I mean to him and what my feelings mean to him.

 

Some people are selective listeners. Do you find he listens more to other people, like his friends and family? Pay attention and see if it's just with you that he's so easily distracted and quick to interrupt you when you speak. It might just be the way he is (though that's no excuse) with everyone but it might not be. If a guy isn't really into you and is only around to see what he can get from things (sex, attention, validation, a trophy), he's not going to feel the need to pay attention because he simply doesn't care.

 

How does he treat you otherwise? Does he take you out? Is he proud to have you around his friends and family? How does he address you? Are you both intimate? Have your concerns come about since you began being intimate or did they exist prior to? (If it's the former, it could just be that he's gotten what he was after -- sex-- and now that he's gotten the prize, he doesn't want to work too hard).

 

If you do mean something to him, he will not make excuses for his behavior or try to shift the blame elsewhere; instead, he will give serious consideration to your concerns and act accordingly. And chances are that if he's the age he is and you're having these problems with him, these are problems that existed in his previous relationships and he's more than aware of them but just doesn't feel the need to change for anyone.

 

The bottom line is that you can tell how someone feels about you by their actions or inaction. That should tell you all you ultimately need to know.