Now What?

[MA]

Okay I took everyone's advice and broke up with my boyfriend (change of heart post) because of our lack of communication issues. Anyway, we were together all the time and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have been hanging out with friends and they have invited single guys along, but I really don't have much interest. I feel like there is a void now because I don't have anyone to call or come over when I get off of work everyday. How long does it take for this void to go away and for me to accept other guys as friends if not more than that?

[magicklady]

It is going to take a little while.. you need to find some activity that you enjoy doing to fill those blank times. Go to the movies or just get out and see your friends like you have been doing. When the right Single guys comes along you will know it.... Just give yourself the time to heal and don't rebound I did that and I have really hurt a person who was totally in love with me... I didn't see the original message.. could you fill me in a little about the situation?

Okay I took everyone's advice and broke up with my boyfriend (change of heart post) because of our lack of communication issues. Anyway, we were together all the time and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have been hanging out with friends and they have invited single guys along, but I really don't have much interest. I feel like there is a void now because I don't have anyone to call or come over when I get off of work everyday. How long does it take for this void to go away and for me to accept other guys as friends if not more than that?

[Tony T]

It sounds like you just want your life to be great 24/7. It just doesn't work that way. I hope you don't take aspirin everytime you don't feel 100 percent.

 

Life is a very intuitive thing. Believe it or not, life was pretty much the same before people has Internet forums to post their every time problem for people around the world to help them deal with. It was even pretty much the same before Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and telephone relationship lines.

 

You need to try to conduct your life in an intuitive fashion, using your own gut feelings to guide you through most issues. It's OK to ask for help at times.

 

When you break up with somebody, you have to take time to heal. Different people take different amounts of time. Yes, there is a void but that's OK. There is no medication for this. Some people take longer to heal from this than others...but the feeling will not kill you. It's OK...it's a learning process. Be kind to yourself and don't obsess.

 

It is unwise for you to be around your ex because feelings will affect your recovery and you need to move on. I hope you can find a very smart lady friend who can sit with you and explain the fine points of relationships, particularly what makes good ones and strategies for getting over not-so-great ones.

 

Why is it necessary for you to have someone come over after you get off work everyday? If you're terrified of being alone, seek help for this. Believe it or not, there are so many people in the world who would give any amount of money for time ALONE!!!

 

Your main problem is YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT HAPPY WITH YOURSELF. You cannot be in a satisfactory relationship until you get happy with being who you are and enjoying your own company. You cannot be happy doing things with other people until you can relish being alone and doing things with yourself and for yourself.

 

Don't feel bad. As I said above, you are not alone in your discomfort in not having people around.

 

But I hope you will understand that if you don't spend some alone time being happy with being you and pondering who you are, where you are, and where you want to be in life, you could actually die an old lady never having really known yourself.

[MA]

I posted last week (change of heart) but here is what you missed, I dated a guy for a little over a year and in the last couple of months it seemed like we were growing apart. We still hung out every night but we really just watched tv or didn't talk about much besides surface level things. I could tell that his feelings had changed or something just wasn't right but our whole relationship he never communicated his feelings about anything and is that way with everyone not just me. I finally realized that no matter what I did he was not going to open up and demanded that I get some answers as it was not fair to me for him to not let me know anything and I wasn't happy. So we broke up. My recent post was just about post break up stress. I live by myself and it is just lonely because it is different than it used to be, though I live alone he was always there. So I do not want him back in my life and am glad it is finally over as we dragged it out for atleast two months pretending nothing was wrong. I do go out and do things but Tony is right in saying I want everything to be okay all of the time. I work alot and feel like I don't want to deal with his absence all day everyday but since I 'm not really preoccupied with anything else it has managed to effect me more than I thought it would. I think I just want to move along too quickly pretending it never happend, knowing full well you just can't forget about a whole year in one week. There are several guys interested in me right now but because I just got out of a relationship I am reluctant to spend much time with any of them, l know how rebound relationships can be a good thing for now but not usually in the long run so I don't want to end up hurting someone else or myself. Luckily I do have a good network of friends and they have been extremely helpful, but I guess only I can really make myself get over it. Thanks so much for all of your help and listening ear, I am at work now and it is bothering me b/c people keep asking about him so I felt compelled to post.

It is going to take a little while.. you need to find some activity that you enjoy doing to fill those blank times. Go to the movies or just get out and see your friends like you have been doing. When the right Single guys comes along you will know it.... Just give yourself the time to heal and don't rebound I did that and I have really hurt a person who was totally in love with me... I didn't see the original message.. could you fill me in a little about the situation?

[Miranda]

This may cound cliche:

 

Time heals all wounds. It really does. Nothing worth anything rarely happens overnight.

 

Now is the time to do for yourself. Being alone does not mean being lonely. Do some things for yourself: get a pedicure and manicure. Go buy yourself an ice cream cone. Watch a movie by yourself. Buy a new lipstick. Small things just for yourself. Get some good books to read. Magazines.

 

Write letters to yout family and friends. Just practice 'being'.

 

Don't jump into a relationship. If you find yourself uninterested in boys right now, that is good. You need time to heal, time to be happy with yourself before yo can even think of entering a relationship.

 

Start a journal of how you feel each day. Some days you might just feel like sitting in your room, staring at the wall, crying. Some days will be just OK. Eventually, your days will be a constant pleasure to be alive.

 

If you feel extremely depressed, talk to a counselor. It will help. But put as muh distance between you and you ex for now. It's just too soon to be 'friends'.

 

Good luck. It WILL get better! I am living proof!

[Ajay]

Dear MA: I don't know your story (but would like to if you care to tell it, again...) I don't know how long it will take for the seemingly endless void to "go away", but it will eventually.

 

In the meantime -- take long bubble baths, listen to your favorite music, dance, cry, do your hair, do your nails, buy yourself a celebratory doo-dad, have some fun, take a walk, read a book (not romance or sad stuff), talk to a friend, take your time...Please think before you do a rebound thing (consider the consequences), they usually backfire and rarely fill the void. Best wishes, Ajay

Okay I took everyone's advice and broke up with my boyfriend (change of heart post) because of our lack of communication issues. Anyway, we were together all the time and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have been hanging out with friends and they have invited single guys along, but I really don't have much interest. I feel like there is a void now because I don't have anyone to call or come over when I get off of work everyday. How long does it take for this void to go away and for me to accept other guys as friends if not more than that?

[Ajay]

Hey MA: Just read your story as below to majicklady -- keep sharing...I'm glad you have friends to help you get through this. I'll be here too okay? Ajay

I posted last week (change of heart) but here is what you missed, I dated a guy for a little over a year and in the last couple of months it seemed like we were growing apart. We still hung out every night but we really just watched tv or didn't talk about much besides surface level things. I could tell that his feelings had changed or something just wasn't right but our whole relationship he never communicated his feelings about anything and is that way with everyone not just me. I finally realized that no matter what I did he was not going to open up and demanded that I get some answers as it was not fair to me for him to not let me know anything and I wasn't happy. So we broke up. My recent post was just about post break up stress. I live by myself and it is just lonely because it is different than it used to be, though I live alone he was always there. So I do not want him back in my life and am glad it is finally over as we dragged it out for atleast two months pretending nothing was wrong. I do go out and do things but Tony is right in saying I want everything to be okay all of the time. I work alot and feel like I don't want to deal with his absence all day everyday but since I 'm not really preoccupied with anything else it has managed to effect me more than I thought it would. I think I just want to move along too quickly pretending it never happend, knowing full well you just can't forget about a whole year in one week. There are several guys interested in me right now but because I just got out of a relationship I am reluctant to spend much time with any of them, l know how rebound relationships can be a good thing for now but not usually in the long run so I don't want to end up hurting someone else or myself. Luckily I do have a good network of friends and they have been extremely helpful, but I guess only I can really make myself get over it. Thanks so much for all of your help and listening ear, I am at work now and it is bothering me b/c people keep asking about him so I felt compelled to post.

 

[MA]

Now I have another dilemma, I have been doing well the past couple of days but tonight my ex wants to stop by b/c I told him he could have the cat that he bought me. I do not have time for it so I thought it would be better for the cat if he took it. Anyway, I am fine as long as he is not around and am not sure how I should handle him coming over to my house. Luckily I am going out later on tonight so atleast he won't be the last person I see. I have definitely decided that it's over and that he thought so too, but seemed a little unsure. I don't want him to try to lure me back in or anything when I know this is the best thing for me. Should I just try to make the visit as brief as possible?

Hey MA: Just read your story as below to majicklady -- keep sharing...I'm glad you have friends to help you get through this. I'll be here too okay? Ajay

[Ajay]

Hey MA -- this is going to sound harsh, but I read then re-read your story, and now you've got me worried.

 

Are you sure having him over tonight is about the cat and that's all? If this is true, here's my suggestion: Put the cat in a carrier, box, pillow case (anything it cannot get out of while riding to it's new home), meet your ex at the door, hand him the cat and tell him you are busy. Then get ready to go out and distract yourself. Forget the rebound stuff, just have fun.

 

The pain is still too fresh, and you're probably not ready to sit down and chat with him right now. He could easily use the cat as a tool to open up painful memories, try to lay guilt on you, etc. Please don't do this to yourself. Now pack up the cat and go have fun... Ajay

Okay I took everyone's advice and broke up with my boyfriend (change of heart post) because of our lack of communication issues. Anyway, we were together all the time and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have been hanging out with friends and they have invited single guys along, but I really don't have much interest. I feel like there is a void now because I don't have anyone to call or come over when I get off of work everyday. How long does it take for this void to go away and for me to accept other guys as friends if not more than that?

[MA]

Hey Ajay,

 

Actually I am still at work and he went to go get the cat. He called to tell me that I can come visit it whenever I want but that he went ahead I got it before it gets dark in case it tries to runaway. You are right the pain is still to fresh but I was okay until he called, basically I have broken up with all the guys I have ever dated or it has been very mutual. I knew our relationship wouldnt work but it is more painful b/c basically he seems to not even care about the break up at all and I feel psychotic or something for letting it bother me. I think the reason it bothers me is mainly b/c he doesn't care.

Hey MA -- this is going to sound harsh, but I read then re-read your story, and now you've got me worried. Are you sure having him over tonight is about the cat and that's all? If this is true, here's my suggestion: Put the cat in a carrier, box, pillow case (anything it cannot get out of while riding to it's new home), meet your ex at the door, hand him the cat and tell him you are busy. Then get ready to go out and distract yourself. Forget the rebound stuff, just have fun. The pain is still too fresh, and you're probably not ready to sit down and chat with him right now. He could easily use the cat as a tool to open up painful memories, try to lay guilt on you, etc. Please don't do this to yourself. Now pack up the cat and go have fun... Ajay

[Ajay]

Okay MA: He's gone, the cat's gone, you however are still here, and that's what's important. You're going to have a rough go of it kiddo...

 

See how just a phone call from him stirred you up again? Put some distance between you and him for a while if you can. It seems you made your decision, it's over, and you already spent two months trying to make it so. I wish you the best, I know all too well what it's like to be alone and lonely.

 

It's easy for me to tell you not to dwell on it, but you will. Still here, Ajay

Okay I took everyone's advice and broke up with my boyfriend (change of heart post) because of our lack of communication issues. Anyway, we were together all the time and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I have been hanging out with friends and they have invited single guys along, but I really don't have much interest. I feel like there is a void now because I don't have anyone to call or come over when I get off of work everyday. How long does it take for this void to go away and for me to accept other guys as friends if not more than that?