Hi New here...in need of some support

[OceansApart]

Hi,

 

I am new here. I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year (sept) now. I find it to be getting harder each month that passes. Sometimes, I feel that he is so lovable and misses me as much as I miss him and other times I feel he so cold. We have pretty good communication since we can't really see each other much. We tell each other what we do and if we go somewhere. We speak almost everyday. But, sometimes I don't hear from him for days and he always tells that he had something going on and usually warns me that he might be gone.

I tend to believe him because he hasn't really shown any signs of not trusting him. In a long distance relationship if there is no trust there's no relationship.. But, days like today, I haven't heard from for three days and I don't know if its my lack of patience but it kills me. He told me he had a some important family issues and he had forgot his cell phone charger at home so, he would keep his cellphone off most of the time to conserve battery. He also mentioned that he would get the number to one of his relatives homes so I could call him there. However, it never happened. This is not the first time he has done these what I tell him his "disappearing acts", but, again the excuses as to why he hasn't have made sense to me.

Everything has been pretty ok we us lately, last time i saw him was in June. I don't believe he would cheat on me but, sometimes its the last person you think. He hasn't given any signs of cheating that I know of and I was cheated on very badly in my last relationship. So, the fact that trusting is hard for me and I trust him helps me draw that out.

 

I am wondering if he is overwhelmed sometimes with keeping up to calling and communicating? He confessed to me once he was in a long distance relationship with a girlfriend, they were dating for quite sometime. He just one day just stopped calling her. He told me it was because their relationship was very bad and he was younger.

 

But, when he does these disappearing acts I feel that this is what he doing to me. ahh...I am not sure if its just that I am getting paranoid and pmsing doesn't help. Its very hard to talk to anyone who is hasn't been in a long distance relationship because I really don't think they can understand what we go through to the full extent.

 

But, sorry this is very long but, I don't know what to do anymore. I hope anyone or someone can help me with some words of advice or support.

 

 

-Em

[KikiW]

LDRs are very hard, and one of the cornerstones to a successful one is communication.

 

From what you've said, I don't get the impression he is cheating. It sounds to me like his comfort level of communication is simply less than yours. That doesn't mean you should accept it silently, however.

 

Have you tried talking to him about how this makes you feel? Particularly since he's confessed that his way of breaking up with a girl was to simply stop communicating, it's not unreasonable for you to begin to feel uncomfortable after a few days of NC.

 

My SO and I communicate at least every couple of hours. That's just the kind of relationship we have - mostly text messages just saying hello, I love you. We speak on the phone every day, and most of the time end up on the webcam at night. This level of communication is not for everyone, others may feel suffocated.

 

But forgetting a charger is kind of lame. Does he have such an old phone that there aren't extra chargers available? Can he shell out $20 for a spare to keep with his car or travel bags? No one else has a charger that fits? (I know that one is the least likely, but on the off chance he's got an iphone, there are chargers if there is an ipod around). He can't pick up a landline and check in? It doesn't need to be a long conversation, but telling him you'd like to hear from him just for a few minutes may help ease your mind.

 

Good luck!

[Rollercoasterr]

I think his reasoning is baloney. I have never, ever had to keep my phone off to conserve the battery because nowadays someone has a phone that has the same charger. And even if they don't, $10 at Wal-Mart or the Dollar General will buy you a brand spankin' new charger. I think he's full of horse crap and giving you the run-around.

 

He may not be cheating, but he's a selfish little child if he thinks it's okay to just NOT call his girlfriend. There's no reason for that. There are libraries for email, SOMEONE will have a phone. If you both live in the U.S. then I don't know a single cellphone carrier who doesn't have unlimited long distance. If it's a family thing, surely one of them will allow him to use their phone. And if my 70 year old grandfather has a cellphone, then someone there will have one. Seriously.

 

Edit: Okay, so I looked at your name and I'm doubting you are both in the U.S., but my reasoning still stands. There is ALWAYS a way for contact unless you're on a tiny island out in the middle of no where like IG's husband. And even then, she'd beat him to a pulp if he just went NC.

[Lucky_One]

When you are long distance, exactly what are the signs of cheating that you would be looking for?

 

Since you can't see each other in person, all you really have to go on is his behavior, his desire to stay in contact, and his actual contact. ALL of which his lacking, IMHO.

 

Being in a LDR committed relationship requires pretty constant communication. It is almost impossible to maintain trust and intimacy when someone consistently goes incommunicado for days or weeks at the time.

[Azn117]

Hi, I'd just like to offer my opinion and advice which may differ from those above.

 

With regards to his reasons regarding his mobile phone usage, I believe it entirely. For the simple fact that my bf is somewhat similar. He informs me that he rarely uses his mobile and that it is, more often than not, turned off. Initially I found it difficult to fathom such a thing possible, however when living with him I realised that it was indeed true. While it took some getting use to, over time, I have found that not having to depend on contact via a mobile has given me one less thing to stress about. After all, there are other modes of communication.

 

Undeniably, communication in an LDR is important. However, we all differ in the amount we require or the means through which we get it. Be it daily, weekly, or optional contact; via email, texting or calls. In fact NC can be considered perfectly acceptable especially since you mention that your bf does inform you when he will be out of contact. I think, perhaps, the problem here is that you require much more contact than him which results in you worrying and him not realising why. As always, the only way of resolving this would be to talk to him and reach some sort of compromise.

[Bearandsue]

I don't know what I would do if my Hubby disappeared for days without any contact. He does not have a cell phone and I never have any problems reaching him if I need to. I have his friends numbers and He calls me and if he is out with any other friends who's numbers I don't have then he gets a phone and call me. All this from a very long distance.

 

I don't think its right to be in this kind of relationship and have to wonder where your partner is or when they will return. Its not a matter of not having trust. Its about being considerate of each others feelings.

 

I think you should have a talk with him and lay out what you expect where communication is concerned. Communication is the key to a successful relationship and even more so to a LDR.

 

All the best

[aerogurl87]

Being in a LDR committed relationship requires pretty constant communication. It is almost impossible to maintain trust and intimacy when someone consistently goes incommunicado for days or weeks at the time.

 

Exactly! You want more communication then tell him you want more. If he still doesn't at least try to up the communication factor, well then you two need to have a serious talk.

[OceansApart]

Hi,

 

Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate them. I finally spoke to him yesterday. He was just like he is when he doesn't do these disappearing acts. He called me a couple of times and text me as usual. He didn't mention really much a about not calling or said sorry. But, I notice that when he knows I will become mad and he tries to mention things that he knows I will like and forget the fact that he can't remember to bring his charger with him. It does get me mad, because as someone mentioned above, there are ways of communicating with someone, if its via email, a landline, etc... I just think he's just not the type of guy to go out of his way for these things. The times I have been with him, I do notice he's not on his phone and usually has it turned off. I know he's not a phone person, he mentions to me that I am the only person he really speaks to on the phone for lengths of time. I say to him, well cause you see everyone else in person who you need to talk too.

He actually just got a blackberry and he's not very technology savvy. I am just getting him into webcam NOW! He even has a very old model computer so, I had to search on ebay for webcam compatible. He did tell me that he had asked someone if they knew how to work the phone.

 

I did have a few words to say to him when he did call about the whole thing and that I didn't find it fair. I have spoken to him about it before and he even told me once, I know I am bad about this sometimes. But, he never changes and sometimes I feel there's no way to change his habits and maybe I shouldn't take it so personally. He did mention our anniversary and if he comes here or I go there. I am not sure if I should mention something about his habits. But, I think that if he loves me he should be a bit more considerate of my feelings when, all I ask for is a simple Hey, I am alive bye or I am busy can't talk.

 

BTW...he's in western Canada,I am in NY not really oceans apart but feels like it.

 

-em

[Bearandsue]

Its good that you talked to him. But it don't sound like you were very clear about what you wanted from him. If you don't lay it out there and say"listen Mr." then he will just keep disappearing.

 

If he sees that you are serious about it and he wants to keep you around and happy believe me he will change. Otherwise he will just keep doing it if you just sit there and take it.

[OceansApart]

Its good that you talked to him. But it don't sound like you were very clear about what you wanted from him. If you don't lay it out there and say"listen Mr." then he will just keep disappearing.

 

If he sees that you are serious about it and he wants to keep you around and happy believe me he will change. Otherwise he will just keep doing it if you just sit there and take it.

 

 

Yes, I am definitely going to talk to him. We just shy from a year together and we are in our late 20s not children. I am very considerate to his feelings, Because I know if I ever did that to him, he would be mad. We should be seeing each other soon, hopefully for our anniversary in Sept. But, I am not wanting to much time to pass either. I know its a bit of a wait but, I want to have this discussion in person.