First Post: OW/OM what do you think?

[Devil Inside]

So this is my first post here on LS. I have read some previous posts and I feel that it may be helpful for me to get some insight from you folks. I also think it will help me to write about the emotional process that I am going through. About two months ago my A ended. She and I were together for about ten months. We met online, became friends, and fell for each other. We were both married with little kids. She eventually divorced her spouse. I didn't divorce mine. I was afraid that my spouse would leave the state with my children if we divorced to be with her parents for support. I was waiting for her to get a better paying job so that I had confidence she would stay in state before leaving. Before this happened the OW decided she couldn't do it anymore. I really admire her. She told me it wouldn't be right for me to give up my kids and if I was going to leave my spouse I would have done it long ago. She said that she would never put the pressure on herself of giving me an ultimatum and said it was over.

 

I was/am devastated. She is my soulmate. It is really difficult to live without her. Of course I can make it...but it hurts. She is a beautiful person inside and out and I know I could have made her happy. She definitely made me happy. I wanted to be married to her. She said that would have been an option, but not now. I don't know what will happen in my marriage. I am trying to make it work for the kids, but we'll see. I know that the OW and I have sacraficed our relationship for our families so i am going to be a parent, married or divorced.

 

So...here is my question for all you others. One of the things she has told me is that she feels so horrible and ashamed for being an OW. She doesn't know how she let herself be in that position. She says that the reality is a dirty, ugly thing, and even if we loved each other it hurts. Is there anything that I can tell her that would make her feel better. Or anything I should do. A part of me says that I should leave her alone. That is best thing for her and me. She recently contacted me about having a conversation for closure now that she is less emotional. Problem is I am so hung up on her I can't see how it would be productive. I would end up crying and telling her I want her back. So I asked for time. What could your MM/MW have said in the months following the break up that would have helped?

 

I know that I don't deserve my wife or my kids for what I have done. In time I will post my story and it is probably similar to many. I have felt lonely in my marriage. My affair felt like the closest I've ever been to true happiness...but that's for another time. Thank you for your time and opinions.

[greengoddess]

You needed to finish your relationship with your wife before beginning a new one. Too late for that but it is not too late to make it right if you really love your other woman.

 

Talk to your wife. Tell her of your affair. Tell her you are not happy and want to separate. Go to a lawyer. Do separation papers. Then and only then call the other woman.

 

When she sees you are serious and would not ever again disrespect her by making her sneak around and help deceive your wife then she will probably give you a chance.

 

Do the honorable thing and stop being a coward dragging two women into your life. Your wife does not deserve this and either does your other woman.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks for your honesty GG. You're right I do need to commit either way. This is why I haven't contacted my OW. i don't want to unless I am available to her. You're right it was disrespectful for me to make her sneak around...she is so much better than that and deserves more. In fact...I probably don't deserve her. Knowing how karma works I'll get a divorce, call her and her new fiance will answer the phone.

[GreenEyedLady]

The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone.

 

GEL

[greengoddess]

What about your wife does she deserve you lying to her and cheating on her? Tell her the truth so you can both live happy lives with someone you really love. Your other woman is a smart woman and is not going to accept less. If you really love her you would be willing to be honest and leave your wife.

 

Why is it women find it so much easier? She divorced and you let her down by taking no steps at all.

[greengoddess]

The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone.

 

GEL

 

Why if he loves her? Do you wish you were left alone? It worked for you. If he loves her he should be honest, tell his wife and go for what he really wants. He needs to step up and stop being a coward.

[crazy love]

well IMO there is nothing that you can "say" to your OW that will make her feel any better. At this point "actions" are the only thing that would do that.

You can be sorry until the cows come home but ultimately it is what it is, she made moves to separate from her marriage and you did not. I think the only thing left for her to do is to heal, and it seems like she is trying to do that. Since she wants to have closure, I can imagine that she is feeling just as horrible as you are about the relationship, but really I don't think there is anything that you can say that will make her feel better. Just don't give her any false hopes because it will only make it more painful.

[Devil Inside]

My wife didn't deserve what I did. She also had an affair a few years back...but it's no excuse. The main reason I am even married is for my kids. My wife will take them out of state and I am not going to put my kids through a custody battle.

 

As for her divorcing...she was in that process when we met. She assured me I was not the reason for that...which she revealed later I was.

[Devil Inside]

Good point Crazy Love. False hopes are like poison. I think that my punishment for cheating is losing the love of my life. Life sucks...but I brought it upon myself.

[whichwayisup]

How do you know she will take them out of state? She cheated on you and you forgave her, why not allow her to decide what she wants? Tell her about your affair.. Maybe she is just as unhappy as you are and getting a D will be best for both of you..

[greengoddess]

My wife didn't deserve what I did. She also had an affair a few years back...but it's no excuse. The main reason I am even married is for my kids. My wife will take them out of state and I am not going to put my kids through a custody battle.

 

As for her divorcing...she was in that process when we met. She assured me I was not the reason for that...which she revealed later I was.

 

 

I don't think anyone is allowed to just move their children out of state and away from the other parent. That's an excuse and one I'm sure other women get very tired of hearing. Divorcing your wife does not mean divorcing your kids. Don't you think your kids need to see a loving healthy example of a relationship? This will only hurt your kids and as a therapist you should know that.

[Devil Inside]

How do you know she will take them out of state? She cheated on you and you forgave her, why not allow her to decide what she wants? Tell her about your affair.. Maybe she is just as unhappy as you are and getting a D will be best for both of you..

 

We've discussed divorce and she told me what would happen. She would only be doing it for financial reasons...to move in with her parents. I did tell her I wasn't in love with her. She said that she wanted us to work. She doesn't, however, know about the affair.

[2sure]

If your wife has not been told about the affair your marriage has no chance of recovery. None. How can the two of you together reconcile and repair the marriage when one of the major factors is not on the table?

This is HER life.

 

Stop making everything about everyone Else's life about YOU. What you want. What you need. What you are missing. What you feel.

 

Enough already. OW bailed for this reason, your wife and family are being held hostage by your inability to see beyond yourself. Stop saying its for them. That would be a big step in getting your head screwed on right. If you cant stop lying to them, then just start with not lying to yourself.

[AlektraClementine]

We've discussed divorce and she told me what would happen. She would only be doing it for financial reasons...to move in with her parents. I did tell her I wasn't in love with her. She said that she wanted us to work. She doesn't, however, know about the affair.

 

Are you going to tell her? I hear you saying that if you tell her, it will cause her to divorce you and take your children. In fact, it was participating in the affair which "might" cause her to divorce you and take your children. So, will you tell her? And if she in fact takes your children, will you follow them there and set up a new life to be near your children?

[BenThereDunThat]

I don't think anyone is allowed to just move their children out of state and away from the other parent. That's an excuse and one I'm sure other women get very tired of hearing. Divorcing your wife does not mean divorcing your kids. Don't you think your kids need to see a loving healthy example of a relationship? This will only hurt your kids and as a therapist you should know that.

 

I agree with this. DI, have you talked to your own lawyer? I don't know the law, but it's always been my understanding that a parent can't just move kids around without the other parent signing off on it.

 

I could be wrong though.

 

ETA: And yeah, you need to buck up and tell your wife.

[Lucky_One]

Your wife can't move the kids out of state if you contest it unless a judge approves it.

 

Get a lawyer and man up.

 

You are whining about how badly you want to marry this OW, but you can't even do basic research about your own rights as a parent (you obviously have a computer - try Google) or even consult with a lawyer on a free first consultation.

 

I think your OW has more gumption and backbone than you do. GEL is exatly right - leaving her alone is the best thing you can do for her.

[GreenEyedLady]

Why if he loves her? Do you wish you were left alone? It worked for you. If he loves her he should be honest, tell his wife and go for what he really wants. He needs to step up and stop being a coward.

 

From his post it is clear that he is choosing his W and family, did you not get the same impression?

 

Therefore he should leave the OW alone.

 

Continued contact is selfish at this point. He gets his "fix" of her while she is denied the chance to fully heal.

 

GEL

[boldjack]

GEL, this Op hasn't done anything selfless yet, why do you think he will start now? OP. it's all about you, isn't it. Your love, your pain, your martyrdom. You have essentially ruined the lives of two good women, and possibly your own kids as well, by your selfish weakness. You first, need to Man-up, and start taking responsibility for your actions, stop worrying about how things will effect you and start thinking about others. I have absolutely no sympathy for you at all, none. I'm sorry for both the BS and the OW, because the chances are that one of them will end up with a piece of work like you. I have been a MM/OM myself, but I never ducked out on my responsibility. I told the truth, and took my lumps like a man. You need to do the same.

[Devil Inside]

Let me try to answer some of this feedback. First, I don't think I have a choice as to being with my OW. She left me. She told me that she was sure she could ever be with me and that I should not leave my family for her because there were no guarantees she could be with me after we met through an affair, and how that made her feel about herself. So I am going to try to make it work with my wife for now. I once thought I could be with my OW, but I don't think she'll take me even if I was available.

 

The children issue: I know that I can fight for my children legally. However, i am not going to put them through a custody battle when it would be my fault for the divorce. They have the chance of being happy, healthy, and loved if they were to stay with their mother and live with their grandparents. If anything I would move to that state so that I could be a part time dad.

 

Moving beings in the issues. My OW lives in another state. Her ex is really bitter and there is no chance she is moving. So if I divorced I'd be looking at OW in one state with her kids...trapped by her ex. Wife and kids in another. And me where I'm at.

 

Thank you for all the honest feedback. You all definitely don't sugarcoat things. I was not looking for people to feel sorry for me, just honest feedback. I wasn't trying to win OW back. I just was wondering if other OW/OM felt their were things that could have been said in the aftermath. My OW is a wonderful woman...she will make someone really happy...just not me...I lost my chance. In the end, I think I will realize my kids and marriage were worth it...just hard to get my heart on the same page.

 

Alot of you are saying to tell my wife. Can I ask those who have told...how did it go? What is the best way to tell her?

[Owl]

There's no way for us to completely predict what will happen when/if you tell your wife.

 

But your telling her shouldn't be based on what you think will happen as a result.

 

It should be based on a respect for her...and a desire for honesty in your marriage. It should be based on trying to solve the problems that exist in your relationship with her...or dissolving that relationship if it's unhealthy and impossible to repair.

 

You may or may not get the chance to repair the marriage. She may not be willing to forgive your affair. I'm curious if you've truly forgiven hers, given the context in which you mentioned it.

 

As far as a "best way to tell"...it's a unicorn.

 

The "best way" is still going to be a tremendous emotional devestation and truama. How you tell will in no way mitigate the damage done.

 

Given that...the "best way" would be in a safe environment, with the children scheduled to be someplace else for several hours (overnight?) so that you and your wife can spend that time focused on working through everything without concern for what the kids might hear.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks Owl for your answer. I'm not sure if I've completely forgiven her affair. That's a good question. BTW...an interesting aside...most contemporary therapeutic literature on the subject recommends you not tell your spouse about an affair if you are going to work it out, there are no STD scares, and they will not find out. Not saying I agree...but interesting that everybody that has replied believes the opposite.

[AlektraClementine]

Well, the problem with not telling her is that you are taking the decision to stay with you, post affair, from her. Essentially, you are making up her mind for her.

 

How did you become aware of her affair?

[Devil Inside]

Well, the problem with not telling her is that you are taking the decision to stay with you, post affair, from her. Essentially, you are making up her mind for her.

 

How did you become aware of her affair?

 

 

I can see that.

 

I caught her because she accidentally left up messenger on our computer. Then I saw a weird area code on her computer and called it. Some dude, he wouldn't admit to much, but enough. I got her to confess after she knew what I knew.

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks Owl for your answer. I'm not sure if I've completely forgiven her affair. That's a good question. BTW...an interesting aside...most contemporary therapeutic literature on the subject recommends you not tell your spouse about an affair if you are going to work it out, there are no STD scares, and they will not find out. Not saying I agree...but interesting that everybody that has replied believes the opposite.

 

I have mixed feelings on the telling the betrayed spouse thing. I wouldn't want to know about it if my H had made up his mind that our marriage was where he wanted to be. If I never suspected, or articulated that I suspected to him, then I really don't want or need to have that level of hurt put on me. Because telling her will hurt her, deeply.

 

Yet, I agree that if you want a relationship that is built on honesty, you might want to consider telling her, knowing that you are willing to be there and help her through her pain.

 

You never know, she might not feel forgiven for her affair either and telling her could be the thing that helps the both of you realize true forgiveness for the other. Or, it could just be the end of your marriage.

 

So I get that its tough to tell. And that's why I have such mixed feelings

about it.

[Devil Inside]

I have mixed feelings on the telling the betrayed spouse thing. I wouldn't want to know about it if my H had made up his mind that our marriage was where he wanted to be. If I never suspected, or articulated that I suspected to him, then I really don't want or need to have that level of hurt put on me. Because telling her will hurt her, deeply.

 

Yet, I agree that if you want a relationship that is built on honesty, you might want to consider telling her, knowing that you are willing to be there and help her through her pain.

 

You never know, she might not feel forgiven for her affair either and telling her could be the thing that helps the both of you realize true forgiveness for the other. Or, it could just be the end of your marriage.

 

So I get that its tough to tell. And that's why I have such mixed feelings

about it.

 

I'm struggling with it too. Recently we were talking about another couple we know and she said I don't think i would want to know if my partner was cheating if it was over. This messed with my head a little. Was she giving me a message? Either way I am struggling with this decision.