First Post: OW/OM what do you think?

[Devil Inside]

I have to say that I would much prefer to have a woman around as well... I know it's difficult to jump out of a seemingly comfortable lifestyle, even if you can't stand to be around your wife... I guess in my case... my wife and I were separated for well over a year before we tried to make a go of it again... that four months we were together, it seems like I had to make all the changes... even though my wife had ran around with other men way before I ever cheated on her. I had lost all respect for my wife and I really didn't care or love her... so my subsequent actions of getting into an affair myself really didn't bother my conscience at all. So.... I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you ought to just seperate now... and let your marriage die the slow death. It might make divorcing easier in a year or two. At least you will be used to living on your own.

 

I can't say that I can't stand to be around my wife. I can't say that she's asked unfair things of me. She is a good friend, mother, and person. I just lost romantic and sexual attraction for her.

[MistyK]

And the reverse tends to be true, assuming that the relationship was semi-functional for any length of time prior to the affair...when you resume investing in the relationship...the feelings build.

 

In my case, I think xH and I both stopped investing about 5 years before we got married, and we were M for about 5 years. So that was a big void for a long time. (We really shouldn't have gotten married). Even by the time we were married our sex life was next to non-existant, by my choice, and that was many years before the EA. MC didn't help and I "gave up". His behaviors deteriorated so badly by the end I knew I needed out. I just couldn't face it until I was in crisis in the middle of an EA. So we had nothing to resume. We were roomates, and he wasn't a good one.

[AlektraClementine]

My OW told me yesterday that I had to give my heart to my W. She said that she hoped I could and that she hoped our scrafice wouldn't be for nothing.

 

 

I hate to say this but your OW sounds like she's got her head on straight. In a weird way, I feel sympathy for her struggle. Not to get over you but to get over how horrible she must feel. She sounds like she feels more for your wife than for you and for that, I commend her. Not like a lot of the OW I see posting here. For all she's done, she sounds like a class act.

 

Now, I ask you again. Are you going to tell your wife? I'm sure she'd appreciate knowing that you're not in love with her anymore. It may give her the opportunity to finally tell you that she's not in love with you anymore either. Or to leave and go find a faithful man.

 

I really don't mean to bash. I don't think bashing gets anyone, anywhere. Think about this though. You got the luxury of discovering your wife's affair and the subsequent luxury of a choice. The choice to stay or go. Why won't you at least give her that same luxury?

[Devil Inside]

My OW is a class act.

 

I am considering telling my W. I see the pros and cons of telling and not telling.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Hi DI, I think what I can deduce from your post thus far is that you regret having the affair, and felt like you have not been a 'good' husband. Like one of the poster said, the OW got her head real screwed on. It looks like she realised she made a mistake checking out of her own relationship whilst you remained in yours. Could it be she is considering making her own relationship work? It looks like she is really concern on the effect it had on your W, so probably realising/realised same on her ex-husband. You did say the husband is/was very bitter ... you must have gotten this information from OW or ... Put together, she appears to be refocusing her energy elsewhere rather than rekindling the A with you.

 

One thing I observed was that you stated that at the time you met OW she was divorcing her husband, but yet you stated that she blamed you as the reason she left her husband. Where you the actual reason she left her husband? What is your contribution to the demise of her marriage? Whilst you are trying to work on your M, and the OW is 'kind' of helping you in that regard, do you now feel any remorse for your contribution in the demise of her M?

[brainyblonde]

i think MM stay for the security, they take the easy road. but the easy road won't bring you happiness. like people have said to you, you are divorcing your W NOT your kids. and why would she prevent her kids from seeing her father? She may be using that tactic to keep you home, but long term, when the dust has settled, she would be very cruel to your kids by taking them away from their father.

 

you have both had A for a reason...that your marriage has problems. and you've both used A to mask those problems.

 

all that will happen in the future is that one or both of you will embark on other A's.

 

try and think from a different perspective:

 

* you are preventing your wife finding happiness, you can't give it to her anymore

* you are staying together for the sake of the kids, when your kids could embrace 2 new blended families.

* you will become more & more frustrated by staying in the M, if your not 100% committed to making it work forever.

* it also sounds like the OW is moving on, due to you not leaving when she did!

 

PS I wish my MM left

[GreenEyedLady]

i think MM stay for the security, they take the easy road.

 

It shouldn't matter WHY the MM stays.

 

It means NOTHING.

 

It is merely a means to make the OW feel better. I do not think this is beneficial for anyone to heal and move on.

 

The worst thing anyone can do, is to lie to themselves. See the situation for what it is.

 

The OW need to stop making excuses for their MM. Hold him accountable.

 

GEL

[Owl]

I agree with GEL.

 

There's no value in trying to figure out why he stayed. He might tell you one reason, might mean another, and the truth could be something altogether different.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

All that MATTERS is that he stayed. Staying is a CHOICE.

 

Once the choice is made...or forced, or whatever he claims it to be...WHY doesn't matter. It doesn't impact the outcome, nor does it change what YOUR response should be.

 

YOUR response is simple...not easy...but simple.

 

End contact with him, and focus on your own healing.

 

Bada-bing bada-boom.

[pkn06002]

I agree with GEL.

 

There's no value in trying to figure out why he stayed. He might tell you one reason, might mean another, and the truth could be something altogether different.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

All that MATTERS is that he stayed. Staying is a CHOICE.

 

Once the choice is made...or forced, or whatever he claims it to be...WHY doesn't matter. It doesn't impact the outcome, nor does it change what YOUR response should be.

 

YOUR response is simple...not easy...but simple.

 

End contact with him, and focus on your own healing.

 

Bada-bing bada-boom.

 

You know what well said and really does hit to the core of the issue. I know I spent HOURS/DAYS/MONTHS trying to figure out they why she stayed.

 

Where it really did not matter, once you come to that realization and accept it you can move on.

[tami-chan]

so you believe your OW is too good for you since you said "i (meaning, YOU}. do not deserve her"...she sounds like she is.

 

what does that say about what you think about the wife that you are no longer "in love with"? the one who cheated on you and stayed with you despite your feelings for her? Do you think she deserves you?

[Impudent Oyster]

Please don't take this as a flame Devil, but I can't tell you how incredibly annoying I find what is, IMO, what amounts to the whining of a petulant child who got his toy taken away.

 

This is all about YOU, and I'm pretty sure your ex-OW figured that out.

 

Did I read correctly on another thread that you and she were together only 10 times? And you're "in love" with her?

 

What is your objective in posting here?

 

Okay, the OW realized that she didn't want to be an OW and ended the relationship....good for her, she sounds like a very together person. You on the other hand, are moping because you had your wife, your marriage, your kids AND the OW and she went and spoiled your fun. TOO BAD.

 

You have to figure out what you want. Well, we know what you want, you want your cake and to eat it too, but that didn't work out.

 

You say you can't leave your wife because she would move away with the kids - that's an excuse, and it's a lame one. Your wife can NOT move the kids away from you, so don't insult us.

 

You say you're resigned to the fact that the OW ended it, but you really aren't. Why do you need to know what you should have said to have kept her? It sounds like you want to woo her back and make her your OW, but you still won't leave your wife.

 

All I can say is, you can't always get what you want. It's time to put on your big boy pants and accept that.

 

Oh and, BTW, if you really, truly, honestly want to make things work with your wife and you will never contact the OW again, why oh WHY would you tell your wife about the affair? It's over......or is it?

[Impudent Oyster]

i think MM stay for the security, they take the easy road. .

 

MM (and MW and BS's) stay for ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY.

 

Because they want to.

[sadintexas]

My wife didn't deserve what I did. She also had an affair a few years back...but it's no excuse. The main reason I am even married is for my kids. My wife will take them out of state and I am not going to put my kids through a custody battle.

 

As for her divorcing...she was in that process when we met. She assured me I was not the reason for that...which she revealed later I was.

 

Quick question...have you checked with a divorce attorney in your area that confimed that she could move the children out of state at will? It usually doesn't work that way, but different states are different. If you haven't and that's the thing keeping you there, I recommend finding out what the law says instead of making assumptions. It's too important to do that.

[sadintexas]

We've discussed divorce and she told me what would happen. She would only be doing it for financial reasons...to move in with her parents. I did tell her I wasn't in love with her. She said that she wanted us to work. She doesn't, however, know about the affair.

 

SHE doesn't get to make that decision. It's the same story with spouses that threaten the other parent will never get to see the children. Sorry, there are laws that protect BOTH parents. Won't happen like that like.

[Mino]

Please don't take this as a flame Devil, but I can't tell you how incredibly annoying I find what is, IMO, what amounts to the whining of a petulant child who got his toy taken away.

 

This is all about YOU, and I'm pretty sure your ex-OW figured that out.

 

Did I read correctly on another thread that you and she were together only 10 times? And you're "in love" with her?

 

What is your objective in posting here?

 

Okay, the OW realized that she didn't want to be an OW and ended the relationship....good for her, she sounds like a very together person. You on the other hand, are moping because you had your wife, your marriage, your kids AND the OW and she went and spoiled your fun. TOO BAD.

 

You have to figure out what you want. Well, we know what you want, you want your cake and to eat it too, but that didn't work out.

 

You say you can't leave your wife because she would move away with the kids - that's an excuse, and it's a lame one. Your wife can NOT move the kids away from you, so don't insult us.

 

You say you're resigned to the fact that the OW ended it, but you really aren't. Why do you need to know what you should have said to have kept her? It sounds like you want to woo her back and make her your OW, but you still won't leave your wife.

 

All I can say is, you can't always get what you want. It's time to put on your big boy pants and accept that.

 

Oh and, BTW, if you really, truly, honestly want to make things work with your wife and you will never contact the OW again, why oh WHY would you tell your wife about the affair? It's over......or is it?

lol, I am glad I am not the only one thinking this. He is playing victim.... On one hand he says how wonderful the OW is, but he HOW ge has to go back to the M and make it right, since the ow doesnt want him anymore. An what a martr he is going back to his M, and the A didnt mean anything anyway. He sure is a double talking whinning manipulator if you ask me, AND THATS annoying:sick:

[Mino]

Quick question...have you checked with a divorce attorney in your area that confimed that she could move the children out of state at will? It usually doesn't work that way, but different states are different. If you haven't and that's the thing keeping you there, I recommend finding out what the law says instead of making assumptions. It's too important to do that.

I am sure he hasnt, cause then he wouldnt have THAT as an excuse!!

[Mino]

SHE doesn't get to make that decision. It's the same story with spouses that threaten the other parent will never get to see the children. Sorry, there are laws that protect BOTH parents. Won't happen like that like.

Aw come on now TEX, your thinking like a Ow/OM now!! He is a typical cakeeater!! LOL, its all a line... You need to learn now.... this is a good lesson for you... repeat after me... This is a cake eater!! Youll get one day, honey!

[Mino]

so you believe your OW is too good for you since you said "i (meaning, YOU}. do not deserve her"...she sounds like she is.

 

what does that say about what you think about the wife that you are no longer "in love with"? the one who cheated on you and stayed with you despite your feelings for her? Do you think she deserves you?

LOL, You are one sharp cookie , Tami .. EXCELLENT question...of coarse BW also derserves way better, but ya know the real answer, He is a coward... who like to eat cake...

[Devil Inside]

My reason for writing this post was to try and understand what other OW/OMs would have liked to know/hear form their MM/MW after an A ended. I got some feedback and was able to give my xOW some closure.

 

I understand what you all are saying. I know I am selfish...no denial here. As for my kids, I could fight for them, but honestly my W would be able to provide for them financially mush easier if she was back home with her parents. I would not put them through hell so that they could stay here with me. If anything I'd move too.

 

I have made the choice to stay. I am going to try to work things out. Of course my W does not deserve me, I definitely don't deserve her...but I'll give it a shot.

 

BTW...I see I've triggered some strong emotions. Thanks to those of you that were able to provide constructive feedback...it is appreciated.

[Impudent Oyster]

.

 

I have made the choice to stay. I am going to try to work things out. Of course my W does not deserve me, I definitely don't deserve her...but I'll give it a shot.

 

.

 

I'm not convinced...seems to me you're more concerned with your OW than you are with your wife. Actions speak louder than words. If you're not "in love" with your wife but you are in love with the OW, I don't have a lot of hope for a successful reconciliation.

 

If you made the choice to stay then stop worrying about the OW.

 

You need to make a decision then focus on it.

[Devil Inside]

I'm not convinced...seems to me you're more concerned with your OW than you are with your wife. Actions speak louder than words. If you're not "in love" with your wife but you are in love with the OW, I don't have a lot of hope for a successful reconciliation.

 

If you made the choice to stay then stop worrying about the OW.

 

You need to make a decision then focus on it.

 

Good point. I do need to put all my energy into my W now...or else it is doomed. I think that currently I can do that by choosing that, my heart will take some time, you just can't shut off feelings. i can, however, choose to act in a way that communicates I want to save my marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

MM (and MW and BS's) stay for ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY.

 

Because they want to.

 

 

Bingo and Amen

[spiraling downward]

Good point. I do need to put all my energy into my W now...or else it is doomed. I think that currently I can do that by choosing that, my heart will take some time, you just can't shut off feelings. i can, however, choose to act in a way that communicates I want to save my marriage.

 

I tried the same thing for four months after my ex and I got back together. We were generally getting along. She was making plans for us again... The problem was, it felt like I was just going through the motions. I made all these changes because I thought I was the bad husband and in fact, I think she blamed me for her affair as well. Ultimately, I couldn't get over her betrayal and lack of respect for me... so I checked out. As a matter of fact, I think what pushed me over the edge was our last marriage counseling session.... I can't quite remember the details, but I believe she was asked to show some empathy in an exercise we were doing. She couldn't. That was it for me. I knew she was incapable of understanding what she did to me. I quit trying to love her that day.

 

I hope you the best, but the path you are taking is a long hard road. There's probably not many of us around here that can make that situation work.... those that are here that have... I believe Owl for one. They are to be commended for their strength and ability to move on to fix their broken marriage. I know that I couldn't.

[sadintexas]

Aw come on now TEX, your thinking like a Ow/OM now!! He is a typical cakeeater!! LOL, its all a line... You need to learn now.... this is a good lesson for you... repeat after me... This is a cake eater!! Youll get one day, honey!

 

No Mino...I get it. While I understand that there are BS's or just unhappy S's that will spout that kind of garbage to try to control the other spouse, none of us are so undereducated that we can't say, "well, I should contact an attorney about that". If anyone really wants to get out of their M, A's or not, threats or not (but especially with threats) an attorney is the first person they would talk to. It's an excuse to say "Well, she'll do X so I can't leave". So I was just telling him how I see it. I see it as an idle threat for purpose of control, and he obviously wants to believe it because it suits his purpose.

[Pillow]

you just can't shut off feelings..

 

But you did, remember? Doing the affair, you couldn't be physically and romantically involved with your W... You shut off feelings for you W pretty quickly if you ask me. 8 yrs of marriage shut down for a 8 month affair.

 

You can do it, if you wanted to