Ex wants to meet up for lunch...should I do it?

[SCooke]

So, quick recap 1st. Dated my ex for 3 1/2 years. We broke up at the beg of 2009. I haven't seen her since april. In may i found out she was seeing a new guy (not sure the extent of their relationship), but she's been out of the country since may (comes back in two weeks) . In may i sent her a short email telling her that she strung me along and mislead me about maybe having a future, and now she's with a new guy..it was basically a goodbye email...She never responded.

 

Then in July, I sent her an email on her bday saying happy bday and that i might have been harsh and judgmental on my last email. She writes me back the next day saying thx and that she was really hurt by my last email and didn't know what to write back and couldn't figure out her emotions , but that she's really happy to hear from me. So i write her back saying that I'm glad we're not on bad terms anymore. Then this weekend, she writes me saying that she would like to meet up for lunch when she gets back to the country...

 

So what do I do? I know she's been keeping contact with the new guy, and they are still an item eventhough she's been gone for 3 months...But I'm confused as to why she'd want to meet up with me. I still love her. She's not the type of girl who'd mess with me intentionally. But maybe she thinks i'm over her and wouldn't mind being friendly again. I don't think I'm ready to be friends with her. But what if there's a small chance that she still has feelings and wants to reconnect. i'm just torn because I know if i do meet up with her I'm risking a setback and might be hurt all over again, but I also don't eant to lose a chance, if there's one there! ahhh, i'm so confused.

[carhill]

My instinct is she's going to give you the closure you're looking for and it won't be pleasant.

[Soul Bear]

My instinct is she's going to give you the closure you're looking for and it won't be pleasant.

 

 

This is good advice

[SCooke]

I don't really need closure. I've pretty much had the closure. She knows she doesn't owe me closure. In her reply to the Bday email , she said she's "open to being in contact again", to which I vaugely replied that i'm open to it to down the road. Then, next email she says she wants to go to lunch. I'm more worried that she thinks we can be some sort of friends, which I probably can't handle if she's seeing someone ( i also don't understand why she'd want that if she's seeing someone new-kinda not fair for their relationship). My head is telling me politely decline and go on with my life. But I love her so much still and my heart is hoping that this might be a chance, and I don't wanna shut it.

[carhill]

And, BTW, that doesn't mean that I would not accept the invitation, if offered. It all depends on one's particular psychological triggers and setpoints. Myself, I prefer getting it out there openly and in person and then dealing with it. I call it the decent burial theory. So far, it's worked for me

 

OP, if you've really had 'closure' and have processed it, you would not be posting this:

 

But I love her so much still and my heart is hoping that this might be a chance, and I don't wanna shut it.

 

I know this because I've lived it, processed it and it allows myself and my wife to be in cordial contact while the divorce proceeds. You're not done yet.

 

I'll reverse my position. Do not meet with her. Stay NC until the above quote goes away.

[SCooke]

When I mean I've had closure, I'm talking about in terms of information i need from her. I'm certainly not over her though, you're right...and i know if I do go, I'm risking a lot... I'm just confused as to why she'd want to meet up. From her point of view, it doesn't make any sense why she'd want to see me if she's got a new man. She could have just said thank you, take care and leave it at that, whcih is what I expected...so why would she want to see me? I don't think she'd do the whole "I just want to make sure i still have a hold on him" thing that people do, i really don't think she's like that...sometimes, some people are just worth the risk.

[carhill]

It really doesn't matter why and it really doesn't matter. That's where you need to get.

 

IDK, at points earlier in my life I would have said there are people worth the risk, but, with a half century under the bridge, I really don't think so. I do think living is worth the risk, and living to the fullest extent possible, irrespective of individuals. Like is often said, we grow and we change and then we die

[SCooke]

So should I just give up, ignore her and try to move on with my life? It sounds like the right answer, but it just feels wrong. Maybe I'm too far up my own head to get the big picture. I should probably stop going with my feeling at this point, it's a dead end.

[CaliGuy]

My instinct is she's going to give you the closure you're looking for and it won't be pleasant.

 

Agreed. I say don't do it...

[seibert253]

As long as you continue contact with her, you are NEVER going to get over her, and you will NEVER move on. It's done, it's over. If she wanted you back, she'd have already made this clear. She's with another dude now. Honestly, sounds like she's stinging you along. Let it go, let it die.

Next.

[boogieboy]

She wants to see you because she doesnt want to think that you hate her. Thats it. She felt a lil guilt about your hate email, but you relieved that and shes a girl, they never want you to hate them.

 

Theres no way in hell she would want to get back with you this soon. She might miss your company a little bit, she probably is thinking "it would be nice to have another friend". As long as youre not over her, she will smell your desperation. Dont be another friend.

 

Meeting up with her would just make her tell you that she is happy with whoever she is with and make you feel like crap. I think you should stand her up and then send her an email about how you cant believe how she would try to string you along again, and let her feel some emotions. Theres no saving this, you know you have to move on, you might as well torpedo it.

[SCooke]

Lol, I get you guys point. You're probably right. But why do they even have a "Second Chance" section on LS? Nothing ever works out, right?

[boogieboy]

Lol, I get you guys point. You're probably right. But why do they even have a "Second Chance" section on LS? Nothing ever works out, right?

 

The stories of not working out is why that section is there. People need to see the different situations so they know where they stand.

[carhill]

OP, I'd like to ask you this....

 

How do you know your ex and another guy are still an item and what her whereabouts are. I mean my wife lives in her own home now and I have no clue (nor interest) in where she goes or whom she talks to. I'd have to work pretty hard to check up on her in that way. You're starting to sound a bit like I was over a certain female friend when I was in my 20's.....obsessed. Just sayin'

 

Do you really want a second chance? Say goodbye in your heart. Then, and only then, is it possible, not to be confused with probable. That's my opinion.

[Peanut9330]

Well since you still love her you should go see her but only if you can handle it and not push your feelings on her, you can just take it slow and see what her intentions are with you, and if she wants to be with you again you can just take it from there, but just remember not to push your feelings onto her otherwise it could backfire, however after while ask her what her intentions are say that you just wanna make sure you both are on the same page and expalin that you dont want to over step any boundries and just see how it goes, and that way a few months from now you wont have to wonder what if.

[SCooke]

We have a lot of mutual friends (went to college together) that's why I know. Of course I'm "obsessed", I'm going through a heartbreak. That's what usually happens when you're dealing with a breakup. However, I'm not an idot. I know it's not attractive to be desperate. To be clear, I don't need her to be happy and I'm not saying I can't live without her, bla bla. I know that's ridiculous, and with time I'll move on. However, I do think she's amazing , and am willing to put myself out there and fight for her a little before I completely give up. I know the odds are not on my favor, and that I'm most likely to fail. I just think that maybe staying in contact with her and showing her that I'm not desperate but that I still care for her may not be the worst possible way to go about it. I think I have it in me to meet up with her and to figure out if I have no chance at all, then I'll give up. But just to assume that she's automatically stringing me along (because that's what happens in most cases) is what's bothering me. Whatever my odds are, I think i have the strength to try it out and fail. She left me because she felt unappreciated, how the hell is ignoring her forever going to change her mind about me at all? i know NC is the bible here, but it might not be the best for EVERY single scenario.

[carhill]

Do you think your fundamental psychology has changed? Do you think you are now suddenly this attentive and appreciative person and will be forever? That's what you work on during NC. Yourself. If there is a second chance, that work will give it a chance for success. If you remain stuck where you are, you won't grow and that chance will never come. Make sense?

[SCooke]

carhill,

 

I complety agree with your last statement. I think I have been fundamentaly affected psychologically, for sure. The breakup was very traumatic for me, and it's opened my eyes to a lot of my BS personality traits and habits that I have. Now I'm not saying I've changed, and I'm different and better. But at least I'm now AWARE, and to be honest, this suddeen awareness of all my weaknesses probably hurts more than losing her. I understand that heartbreak is mostly about loss of purpose, and it's all self pity. So maybe i'm not a better person yet because of the breakup, but I certainly am better for it because I now know how far i have to go.

 

Saying all that, I just think she's such a good person and there's so much about her that I love and admire. that's why I say she's worth risking something for. Maybe my second chance will come 10 yrs from now, or maybe it'll never come. But I just want to be able to tell myself that I've tried my best, and it just wasn't meant to be. i don't want to look back years from now and regret not trying because I was too prideful or too scared.BTW, I'm totally ignoring the new guy in her life, lol, if I do meet up with her, he's big foot to me, he won't be mentioned. I wouldn't even talk about ur past. i just want to see her and keep it casual and see if I can determine where I do stand. Is that so stupid?

[Peanut9330]

Let me share something with you, I once decided to fight for a guy who I thought was the most amazing person I have ever met, I knew deep down that I didnt want to go down without a fight... so I fought really hard and it worked for a bit but then it all fell apart, however I dont regret my decision to fight for him because to this day I would be wondering what if and now i'm at peace becasue I know I tried to fight for someone who was worth it to me, and I have no regrests, because I know for certain that if I didnt put myself out there then it would be eating away at me to this day. Instead its all behind me, you never know what can happen until you try and who knows if you'll ever get another chance if you pass this one up, and if u do pass it up will you be able to live with your decision?? take all that into consideration before deciding.

[SCooke]

Let me share something with you, I once decided to fight for a guy who I thought was the most amazing person I have ever met, I knew deep down that I didnt want to go down without a fight... so I fought really hard and it worked for a bit but then it all fell apart, however I dont regret my decision to fight for him because to this day I would be wondering what if and now i'm at peace becasue I know I tried to fight for someone who was worth it to me, and I have no regrests, because I know for certain that if I didnt put myself out there then it would be eating away at me to this day. Instead its all behind me, you never know what can happen until you try and who knows if you'll ever get another chance if you pass this one up, and if u do pass it up will you be able to live with your decision?? take all that into consideration before deciding.

 

Thanks for sharing that with me! I can completly relate to what you're saying. Right now I feel like I do want to give it a try. I'm gonna go into it with very little expectations. The other guys are most probably right and chances are I won't get another chance, and she's probably just curious to see me. But I'm also sure that if I stay NC, I probably won't get another chance either...So if I try and fail, I'll live with that. I prefer to know that I tied my best , than not trying and saving a little bit of pride and a little bit of pain, but having to live iwht the "what if"

[carhill]

Of course I'm "obsessed", I'm going through a heartbreak. That's what usually happens when you're dealing with a breakup.

 

LOL, I helped my wife buy a house during our breakup and fixed it up for her. I guess different people process things differently. The key? Perspective. We went through over a year of MC before calling it quits. It helped me deal with the psychology of what she did wrong, what I did wrong and why we're incompatible. I still have moments of sadness, mainly when I run across an item or other trigger of past memories, but no heartbreak. You've been broken up nearly 8 months. If you're truly working on yourself, then let's see some progress.

 

BTW, I'm totally ignoring the new guy in her life, lol, if I do meet up with her, he's big foot to me, he won't be mentioned. I wouldn't even talk about ur past. i just want to see her and keep it casual and see if I can determine where I do stand. Is that so stupid?

 

Try something unique. Support her happiness. Don't ignore things. 'I'm happy you met someone. I look forward to the day when I can move on in a positive way from this.' Say this to yourself every morning. Visualize it. It will change you. You won't believe it at first, but say it anyway. This is called acceptance and support.

 

What would you do if you met someone and, a few months hence, found yourself falling back into the same behaviors which caused the breakdown of your prior relationship?

[SCooke]

carhill,

 

I think i have come a long way in the 8 months. There was a time I was very bitter, angry and in denial of my role. Then came sadness and self pity and "no one will ever love me" phase. Now, I can see that I can be fine and live my life without her. But I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn't love her still and have feelings for her. Maybe trying this contact thing again will set me back to that phase where I was so sad...

 

I was just joking about the new guy, haha. If she brings him up, I'll try what you said. But I won't bring him up at all. I don't plan on going there and talk about our past really. I think I just want to be supportive of her and show her that I'm my old confident, charming self (as opposed to the blabbering idiot i was when we last talked), but show her that i'm truly commited to growing (not that I'm doing it for her, I truly am doing it for myself, but it won't hurt that she sees that commitment)

 

As far as falling back into the same behaviors that caused my breakups, I don't know if I will or not, but I'd love to believe that I won't ever be like that again. I never want to go through what I went through again, so for selfish reasons alone, i won't do what I did in the past, lol. Honestly though, i've never really had to look at myself and my actions so critically until this breakup. When you see yourself for what you really are, a sum of your actions, instead of what you've always imagined in your head, then it's deeply disturbing and humbling. I don't ever want to hurt people like i did in the past, i truly truly don't. So I hope that my pattern of behavior is changing and I am growing.

[carhill]

You can see your behavior patterns in everyday life. Examine them. What's different?

 

I'll give an example of an issue I worked on:

Prior, I was high energy and impatient. Very unnerving for my wife, who lived at a slower, more methodical pace. I, OTOH, live at warp speed, moving from issue to issue rapidly. You'll see it here on LS, as I go from post to post on completely different subjects. My post count speaks for my issue all on its own

 

Anyway, I learned in MC how to slow down the expression of my energy. The energy is still there, but just expressed differently. I'm more aware of differences and don't talk and run over people as much now. I have to practice it every day, with everyone I interact with. It's a constant process.

 

In marked contrast, emotionally, that energy level overwhelms me and my emotions can become erratic. So, by consciously thinking about it, and deciding that I can control those emotions and reactions, I can face the issues from a calmer, more balanced perspective.

 

Prior, my wife always felt stupid because I was running her over all the time with rabid action and fast talk. This lessened her attraction and love for me and caused her to detach even more emotionally than her normal setpoint. That set up an unhealthy dynamic which resulted in where we are today.

 

So, give me a concrete example from today how you've changed and grown. Say you were to meet your ex tomorrow for lunch and I asked her afterward what her impression of you was. What do you think she'd tell me?