New guy, would love some ?

[DukeHa]

Hi everyone,

After months of self-therapy, I decided to try this forum as a means of an outlet in hopes of maybe receiving some tips of how to cope with my heartache. Sorry, but this is a long post so thank you in advance to all who read it.

 

I met "Aby" (not her real name, but close) in 2004 when we both worked at the "Happiest Place on Earth". I am your prototypical "nice" guy that was trying to get over unrequited love when she stepped into my life. She was very beautiful, but I did not have an immediate attraction to her in that way. What I didn't know at the time, was that she had a huge crush on me but nevertheless, we soon became best friends as I would give her rides home after work and we would spend long hours talking about our lives together. She was even my date to my brother's wedding that year, as I had no girlfriend. Shortly afterwards, we became more than friends and made it official on March 28th of that year. I asked her to be mine right in the middle of the esplanade between Disneyland and California Adventure as we danced by ourselves at 2 am.

 

Like any relationship, we had our good and bad moments but for the most part, we had a very healthy relationship and were very much in love. She had lived with her aunt and uncle who were basically her parents and I was VERY close to them. We often had dinner with them once a month and they envisioned us being married one day. Aby was my "first" and I was her "2nd". She had lost hers to someone who never treated her like his girlfriend even going so far as to never acknowledging her in public, so in a sense I truly felt like her "first" as well. The only potential obstacle in the road was the age gap between us or her schooling which could send her far away. She was 20 at the time and I was 28. We both eventually quit the "Happiest Place on Earth" and moved in together in 2006 to a very beautiful city to allow her to be near her school because she didn't drive. I loved her so much that my new job allowed me to pay for the entire apartment which was very pricey ($1500 a month before utilities for a Jr. bedroom apartment.) I wanted her to solely concentrate on school and I didn't mind taking care of the rest.

 

I was laid off of my comfort job in January and in June 2008, she obtained her BA and graduated one of the highest in her class (she's a beautiful brain). She then decided to do a complete 180 from her major and pursue her dream of make-up artistry. I fully supported her to follow her dreams and to not live life in regret. So she researched the best schools around and was fascinated by a prestigious school in Vancouver, Canada. When she was accepted, we both found out her term was for a year. She left me on the morning of August 26th, 2008 with tears in her eyes and a heart torn in two. We agreed to try and make it work while she was away. Her face that morning still haunts me to this very day.

 

We communicated everyday on Skype and did the usual asking how each other's days were. My life at this point was working 7 days a week at 2 jobs although they were much more fulfilling. I had thought that I would just keep myself busy while she was gone and that way before I knew it, she would be home. Unfortunately, things started to go bad in November. She started having more fun with her new friends and I started feeling like less a priority to her and felt more like a a burden or anchor than her boyfriend. I have 3 art degrees, but still felt very lost in life as far as where my path leads. I felt I could no longer contribute in our relationship as I was just bringing her down when she asked how my day was and my reply was "just worked".

 

I chose the painful choice of breaking up with her on November 4th as we elected our new president. The choice still haunts me, but I had a feeling it would've come eventually, if not by me, then by her. I set her free because I wanted her to be free to pursue her dreams without me holding her back. The ironic thing was that the first week she got to Canada, she called me crying and wanting to come home to be with me, but I convinced her to give it a try because I didn't want her to live her life in regret and didn't want her to be stuck here with some unfulfilling job that she may hate because she chose me over her dream.

 

About 2-3 weeks after our break-up, she called me saying she was getting close to someone and it could lead there romantically. I was heartbroken and uncharacteristically broke down over the phone telling her I loved her, but she was free to be with whom her heart wanted to be with. I ended up forcing myself to go to Vegas with my cousins (who I now live with) Thanksgiving weekend and other than dancing in clubs, had a miserable time. Every where I looked I saw happy couples and saw Aby's face. I guess in societies terms, I'm one of those boring people because I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs...I don't even gamble. She on the other hand was of irish decent, so I found out she was drinking and partying heavily again.

 

Over the next couple of months, she had called me wishing me Merry Christmas and then Happy New Year. Unfortunately, it was on New Year's that she basically implied she did not love me that way anymore and only thought of me as her best friend again. We both agreed that I should/would delete her from my Facebook so that I could start the healing process (and so I didn't need to see any new men in her life). We stopped talking for about 2 months when she called me out of the blue in February needing to talk about love problems. The conversation was civil but I was devastated and told her I couldn't be her friend right now and that it hurt to hear about her heartache over another guy.

 

My new job had a lot of downtime and I spent a lot of time surfing the internet. I read stories of tragic love and how untimely death took the union of two people who were mean to be. My heartache at this point was up and down. Some days were better than others. In May, after reading all of the stories, I decided to contact her to see how she was doing. I ended up talking to her for about 15 minutes and she revealed to me (at my request) that she had a new boyfriend and he was right next to her as we spoke. She apologized with tremendous empathy. I was crushed but told her I will be ok and if she could do me one small favor..."Don't let him break your heart, because I will go crazy". Since then I have done numerous things to get over her even more so than before. But yet she still haunts my mind everyday.

 

Throughout all this, I continued having monthly dinners/lunches with her aunt and uncle and we all agreed that she had changed. Changed for the better for the worse, that all depends on who's point of view I guess. Her aunt and uncle feel just as abandoned because the last time Aby contacted them was Christmas. They also revealed to me that they found out through Aby's grandmother, that she is moving to Montreal with her new boyfriend and he is paying for her Grad school and taking her to Europe after her make-up schooling is done, which should be the end of August 2009. Aby was never known to be a gold digger or money hungry and I guess it is kind of bitter sweet for me knowing that someone loves her enough to take care of her like I did, but could give her the things I always wanted to, but couldn't...at least financially.

 

She was my first serious girlfriend. I have dated numerous girls over the years, but nothing seemed to have blossomed from it be it fault of mine or whatever. I take my relationships very seriously (which is why I am so good at dates and anniversaries) which is why I "gave" myself to her because I felt she was perfect. She was truly kind, sweet, and loved me for everything I am...all of my faults. Something you don't find too often living in Southern California. It was the most pure love that I've ever felt or seen. Nothing ever seemed like work for me. She did not drive, but I was happy taking her to where she needed to go, be it the grocery store or school. I loved her so much and didn't want "my girl" taking the bus to school, that I sacrificed my lunch break several times to take her home from class. She responded by loving me despite my anger issues. Her life revolved around me and that is what I think lead to our break-up.

 

She had tons of friends and people who loved her, but none that she could hang out on a daily basis. I was her best friend, but I had my cousins who I would try and see once a week to watch and play football with. She mostly stayed home all the time studying. We were both content with our lives and imagined us growing old together. She was an only child and by this I mean an ONLY child...no brothers, sisters, or cousins. She never wanted to have kids, but loved me so much that I was the only person she envisioned having children with. I always encouraged her to drink and party like she use to, but she was always concerned with her weight and the calories of alcohol. I guess its kind of hard to party and drink when your significant other doesn't. Still, were a good match as we were both truly kind hearted people. Even back when we worked together, there was drama surrounding all couples in our location, but everyone approved us being together and did not have a bad thing to say about our pairing. Add to the fact that we were an interracial couple (I am Vietnamese and she is White) made it more special and unique to me.

 

She recently called me on July 17th out-of-the-blue to see how I was doing. I did not want to pick up the phone, but didn't want her to think I was still hurting. I found it rather odd that she called seeing on how she is now in love with someone else, but reassured her I was fine, doing my best to hide my heartache. We talked for about 4-5 minutes but I had to go back to work since I was on my break. I had told her I'd call her back then told her to call me back after work, but I never heard from her. I am assuming it was a miscommunication, but I did not want to call her back to keep the wound open. Which brings me to my questions.

 

She is scheduled or supposed to come home end of August (unless she goes straight to Europe) at which time she'll probably call me once more, especially since she'll see a portrait of her that I drew for her. I did not draw the portrait for any personal gain, but rather because throughout our 4 1/2 year relationship, I never drew her...and I'M an artist...so I felt I kind of owed it to myself to do that. Should I even bother picking up the phone if she calls again?

 

I adore her aunt and uncle as they are one of the nicest people I have met. I recently introduced them to my mom who was down from Texas to visit because they are so special to me. Is it wise to still keep in contact with them? They have told me they will always consider me as family, but I am not sure if it is wise to keep the wound open. I have contemplated reluctantly letting them go because I still do love Aby and it will be inevitable that she will want them to meet her new boyfriend, I do not want to be the measuring stick for the new guy and cause any animosity between them. I know I know..its out of my control...just looking at this from all angles.

 

I wanted to do it before she left for Vancouver, but didn't. But I was contemplating making two promise rings for us. Both inscribed "Yours Forever - Love _ _ _ _" with our names. Should I ever see her again, I would tell her " When you find yourself or what you're looking for, find your way back to me". I'm not trying to get my hopes up because I still remember what she said on New Year's to me, but I just wanted her to know that I will always love her and will hopefully be here for her should she decide she to give me her heart once more. I know things never go quite as planned..but is this a good idea? Because I love her so much, I do not want to intrude in her new happiness. Who am I to interfere?

 

I know a lot of you will say this is the time to concentrate on you and not her. She obviously is having fun without you while you are suffering. Well I am 32 now going on 33 in October and I am not a fool (at least I hope not) now like I was in my younger days in to believing she will come back to me or what I say and do will make her fall in love with me once more. I actually think the chances are remote. Maybe this new her is who she truly is and if that is the case, then my Aby is truly dead. They were wonderful memories, but I can not deny things would be different now if she came back to me. I am moving forward in my life and trying to better myself everyday. I use Aby leaving me as motivating fuel for what I do in the future. I keep myself in shape and try to still spread some happiness at the job I do. I have since gone on some potential dates, but felt I could not give my heart to someone when it still belongs to Aby. It also is very difficult meeting people that are within my age range as well. I do not want to date someone too young only to have them "find themselves" with me all over again and since I don't drink (socially unacceptable), bars are out of the question for me.

 

I feel very alone most nights, which is why I am probably on here wanting to forget her or at least have her leave my thoughts. My family is still very much concerned about me, but I put on a happy face with them so they do not worry. Hopefully things will change and my social circle will expand should I re-enter school once more. I know I should meet new people and I probably will, but I do not want to rule out the possibility of us rekindling that love someday. Because I loved something, I set it free and a part of me will always hope it returns to me. Thank you all for reading.

 

Duke

[Mountainlove]

Hello Duke,

 

thank you for your story. I feel really touched by it. You have found your true love and because she was too young at the time at your relationship she moved on. You are ready to settle down, look after a girl, protect her but she needs to see the worls and have boyfriends. That she was your first and at the same time first real love makes things really difficult for you.

 

Each person takes diferent times to get over someone but you in a way stop yourself because as they say : hope dies last.

You still hope she will realize that you are the right person for her and in your eyes you are. But what about her?

Sometimes it is so hard when you realize that you are not the right person for someone. I once heard something which I liked...

 

Imagine it that way...you are ananas and a lot of people like ananas they think it is the most perfect fruit. But some people don't like ananas, it does not mean that ananas is bad , it just mean it is not for them.

 

What I try to tell you is that you can't make someone like you /go back to you if they don't want to. Instead you have to try to really set her free but also from your mind. Write a letter with your feelings and burn it. Remove all what reminds you about her and put it in a box.

 

Do something for yourself. What about travelling? Find yourself again and your self respect-remember you are important first at all.

There will be other girls who are similar to her-you will find someone again!!!

And you will find someone who is just the right person for you.

 

Trust in yourself and in life and be happy with yourself and try to forget her.

If you and her and ment to be together you will get together again but you might have to let her go completely first, because you might need to meet someone else first and learn more. Life is full of surprises and trust me when I say I had my fair share on them and there is always a light - sometimes it just have to get really dark before you can see the stars.

[aerogurl87]

Hi Duke I read your story and as mean as this is going to sound, I really don't pity you. And this is why.

 

I use Aby leaving me as motivating fuel for what I do in the future.

 

She didn't leave you! You left her, you broke off your relationship with her, not the other way around. So yeah she moved on, most people do when they have their heart broken and are broken up with. If you didn't want her moving on then you should've waited on her. Will she come back to you? I don't know, only time will tell. But you brought this upon yourself, I'm sorry. I think she would've waited for you, but having you just give up on the relationship probably made her think it wasn't worth pursuing anymore. Yeah you said you wanted her to have time to "find herself" and have no regrets, but the bottom line still is YOU broke up with her.

[4givrnt4gtr]

YOU broke up with her.

 

Totaly agree. You cant break up with someone because of fear they will break up with you. Preemptive break ups are really really bad idea and you are a perfect example of it.

 

As a girl in a LDR my biggest fear is that my SO gives up on us. If he does, what it tells me is that he doesnt care enough to hold on. I know most people here will agree with that.

 

You cant blame her for moving on, and i would urge you to let go, learn from your mistakes and move on. Yes that means let go of her family as well. You need to heal and move on. In a way holding on to them is a manner of holding on to her....

[hoping2heal]

Hi Duke,

 

Here is the deal. It's very difficult in life to be honest with yourself. I know this from first hand experience. It's difficult to do that. But without it you won't know how to be honest with your partner. Secondly, it's very difficult to be vulnerable and open. But without that you won't succeed in a relationship long term. You won't, no one else will either.

 

So first thing is first. You didn't break up with her because you wanted to set her free. That is the biggest load of superficial nice guy balonga I've EVER heard in my life. I know you mean well, but we have to snap you out of this mask you use to hide the truth. You broke up with her because you felt insecure. It had nothing to do with wanting what's best for her. Did you love her? Did you appreciate her and treat her well? Then what makes you not good for her? Exactly. Instead of communicating your insecurities with this girl, you acted on them and drove you relationship into the ground.

 

It very obviously made you insecure that she was having fun, going out, meeting others. So you allowed that insecurity to send your relationship into a nosedive. That is what really happened. There was no saintly act on your behalf.

 

Now, before I go any further. Would you agree with me or not?

[DukeHa]

Ok..well atleast I don't have to worry about people saying my letter was too long which was very irritating. First of all thank you all for replying whether I disagree with you or not, my whole point in sharing this all with you is to get a different perspective. I was never looking for pity, just an ear and a way to vent I suppose.

 

aerogurl87: You are totally right and I did break up with her. It is something I've had to live with for the past 9-10 months wondering if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm grateful for your point of view, but don't pity me, because I didn't ask for it. Not to say my actions were justified, but she could've easily fought for the relationship as well couldn't she? She did not make any effort to bridge the gap once I broke it off. Did she necessarily HAVE to go to Vancouver knowing it could very well put an end to our relationship? Well you could say she was heartbroken, but when I say I broke up with her, it was actually me suggesting a break and she agreed on it. So in a way it was very much mutual.

 

4givrnt4gtr: It really wasn't so much breaking up with her fearing she was going to break up with me, I started noticing a lot of different things about her that made me realize things were changing and not in my favor. I am starting to agree that holding onto her family is probably not a good thing, so I have contemplated reluctantly letting go of them also.

 

hoping2heal: I agree with you to an extent. Yes the insecurities were there and I kick myself everyday for feeling that way, but to say that its superficial and bologna is way off base. There is no mask as I can tell you that is how I honestly feel. You ever think that because I was insecure and that I did love her enough that I wanted her to be happy and that the only way I could do that was set her free? They don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

Bottom line, is yes, you ladies are right. I was the one who initiated the breakup, probably because of my insecurities and partly because I wanted to set her free to find herself without me as a burden or a crutch. Does it bother you that someone can truly love another and want them to be happy even if its without that person? I am not angry at her all, because I see it as if the situation were reversed, it'd be only fair. I was just devastated she found someone so quickly which led me to believe she was ready for a break as well. Maybe my thinking is wrong, but I still don't see it as solely my fault as you ladies make it out to be. Even she would probably tell you the breakup was mutual and probably coming.

 

Thanks again for your responses!!

 

Duke

[hoping2heal]

Ok..well atleast I don't have to worry about people saying my letter was too long which was very irritating. First of all thank you all for replying whether I disagree with you or not, my whole point in sharing this all with you is to get a different perspective. I was never looking for pity, just an ear and a way to vent I suppose.

 

aerogurl87: You are totally right and I did break up with her. It is something I've had to live with for the past 9-10 months wondering if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm grateful for your point of view, but don't pity me, because I didn't ask for it. Not to say my actions were justified, but she could've easily fought for the relationship as well couldn't she? She did not make any effort to bridge the gap once I broke it off. Did she necessarily HAVE to go to Vancouver knowing it could very well put an end to our relationship? Well you could say she was heartbroken, but when I say I broke up with her, it was actually me suggesting a break and she agreed on it. So in a way it was very much mutual.

 

4givrnt4gtr: It really wasn't so much breaking up with her fearing she was going to break up with me, I started noticing a lot of different things about her that made me realize things were changing and not in my favor. I am starting to agree that holding onto her family is probably not a good thing, so I have contemplated reluctantly letting go of them also.

 

hoping2heal: I agree with you to an extent. Yes the insecurities were there and I kick myself everyday for feeling that way, but to say that its superficial and bologna is way off base. There is no mask as I can tell you that is how I honestly feel. You ever think that because I was insecure and that I did love her enough that I wanted her to be happy and that the only way I could do that was set her free? They don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

Bottom line, is yes, you ladies are right. I was the one who initiated the breakup, probably because of my insecurities and partly because I wanted to set her free to find herself without me as a burden or a crutch. Does it bother you that someone can truly love another and want them to be happy even if its without that person? I am not angry at her all, because I see it as if the situation were reversed, it'd be only fair. I was just devastated she found someone so quickly which led me to believe she was ready for a break as well. Maybe my thinking is wrong, but I still don't see it as solely my fault as you ladies make it out to be. Even she would probably tell you the breakup was mutual and probably coming.

 

Thanks again for your responses!!

 

Duke

 

 

Were you a bad boyfriend? Did you not treat her right? Plenty of people are in relationships, that doesn't mean they need to be set free from them just because they might be in college, or experiencing new things. I'm trying to understand what made you such a bad guy or something she needed being freed from to begin with. Let me further explain what I meant about the superficial nice guy balonga comment; you are - and apparently even to yourself- holding onto the notion, sticking by the notion that dumping her was noble. That it was a selfless act done to make the woman you loved so much happy. When in reality, you got insecure, you panicked, you dumped her. End of story. Perhaps at the time you felt ill equipped with the skill set needed to further your relationship, and you thought dumping her was the way to go. For whatever reason, you realised you didn't know how to adapt to the changes going on in her life and weren't aware of how to still maintain a happy union among those changes, so you broke up with her.

 

How are we doing? Am I getting warmer yet? Do you YET see what I am talking about?

[DukeHa]

Was I a bad boyfriend? No, of course not. I treated her the best I've ever treated anyone...sometimes better than my own family. In fact, she told me she didn't ever think she would find someone who could love her has as much as I did, and I her. If we never reunite, I can take solace in the fact that I took care of my girl.

 

When in reality, you got insecure, you panicked, you dumped her. End of story.

 

Why is it the end of story? Because you said so? I didn't panic. Panic is when you make an impulsive decision and then you later regret doing so by begging and pleading for her to take you back. So far I have yet to do so. I'll give it to you, yes, I was insecure. But not so much about her partying and having fun, but partying and having fun WITHOUT me. Not being close to her and sharing all of the new experiences, hurt and the long distance just drifted us apart. I thought long and hard about where our happiness would be without each other and it was the toughest decision I've ever had to make letting her go. If it was or wasn't noble, then so be it, it is of no concern to me.

 

you realised you didn't know how to adapt to the changes going on in her life and weren't aware of how to still maintain a happy union among those changes, so you broke up with her.

 

I knew when she left for school, I was risking her changing and I knew it would be difficult, but it wasn't something I wasn't willing to work through. You seem to be under the notion that because I "broke up" with her, by rights, I am not entitled to feel any remorse or heartbreak whatsoever. Love is a two-way street and how do you expect it to work, if one party (which ever side it may be) isn't willing or no longer gives the same effort? There are always signs of something impending. In my case, she no longer wanted to come home for Christmas like she had originally planned, or her cat chewed up her computer wire and she did not replace it so we can see each other on webcam, or she missed our daily/nightly telephone calls. I became less a priority...and you know, I've accepted that. Do I still think about suggesting a break-up? Of course I do. But would I do things differently now, not knowing the outcome of what has transpired since November 4th? Unfortunately, probably not. Am I getting warm? You following ME?

 

superficial nice guy balonga comment; you are - and apparently even to yourself- holding onto the notion, sticking by the notion that dumping her was noble.

 

Why is it so hard to believe that a person can love another fully and sacrifice their own happiness just to see the other happy? Maybe you've never experienced it or this type of person doesn't exist to you, but I assure you, I let her go to experience life. She was 25 and I was 32. For 4 1/2 years, all she knew was life with me. What was I supposed to do? Keep her forever and sedate the beast within inside her till we get married and then she maybe later on decides to "find herself"? There are people in this world, capable of not thinking inwardly all of the time. Maybe I wasn't what she needed RIGHT NOW, but what she may need in the future. I don't fault her anymore than I fault fate. It was just circumstance and I tempted fate in hopes that she'll come back to me. If she's happy with her new found boyfriend, then I am happy. Of course not as content as if she were with me, but that's the risk I took when I let her go. Would I "break-up" with her knowing that 9 months down the road I'd still be feeling miserable? Probably not, but only if I knew it was the woman I fell in love with. Not that this new her is bad, just different and someone I am unfamiliar with. Maybe this new her, is perfect for her new boyfriend, but not for me. Why would I want to be with someone I no longer recognize as the person I loved? Would you? Could you stand there and honestly be in a relationship while watching the person you loved more than anything, disappear before your very eyes? It is possible for people to be that self-sacrificing.

 

 

That it was a selfless act done to make the woman you loved so much happy.

 

People change and people grow. I can tell you now and what she told me is that she is happy. If we had stayed together, I probably still could've pleased her and maybe I wouldn't be on here sharing my story with you, but we weren't happy Late October-early November. I try not to be a selfish person and when I let her go, it was an act of compassion. She seems to be fine without me, matter of fact, she seemed to have gotten along fine without me the first 2 weeks after our break-up. What makes you think she wasn't ready for a break? Why am I, the supposed "dumper", still missing her like crazy, when she, the supposed "dumpee", has gone through about 3 boyfriends, claims me as "just friends", and has cut all ties with the people that loved her most back home? Don't you think there is some sort of guilt there on her part by not even keeping contact her family who has supported in every way, or to some extent, even guilt towards me?

 

Couples break up all the time, as evident by this site, and usually when the person who did the breaking, is free, they're the ones that carry on and change. While the heart broken, is usually the one still holding on. Well I suggested the break-up, but am the heart broken and crucified because I let her go. Not everything is so black and white like everyone makes it out to be. Also, the break-up was very much mutual. I only suggested it, but if that is what you consider me being the "dumper", then you are entitled to your own opinion. At any rate.

 

thank you for the reply.

 

Duke

[hoping2heal]

Was I a bad boyfriend? No, of course not. I treated her the best I've ever treated anyone...sometimes better than my own family. In fact, she told me she didn't ever think she would find someone who could love her has as much as I did, and I her. If we never reunite, I can take solace in the fact that I took care of my girl.

 

So once again, I am left scratching my head at WHY you dumping her, was a selfless act of love for her own good and betterment.

 

 

When in reality, you got insecure, you panicked, you dumped her. End of story.

 

Why is it the end of story? Because you said so? I didn't panic. Panic is when you make an impulsive decision and then you later regret doing so by begging and pleading for her to take you back.

 

Oh Johnny, this is EXACTLY what you did. You didn't beg her to take you back. Aside from that, the rest is spot on.

 

 

 

So far I have yet to do so. I'll give it to you, yes, I was insecure. But not so much about her partying and having fun, but partying and having fun WITHOUT me.

 

That is what I meant. Sorry, it's my own fault for not explaining it better.

 

 

Not being close to her and sharing all of the new experiences, hurt and the long distance just drifted us apart. I thought long and hard about where our happiness would be without each other and it was the toughest decision I've ever had to make letting her go. If it was or wasn't noble, then so be it, it is of no concern to me.

 

Just because you couldn't be there in person, doesn't mean you two couldn't have still been close as ever and you couldn't have taken part in her new experiences.

 

you realised you didn't know how to adapt to the changes going on in her life and weren't aware of how to still maintain a happy union among those changes, so you broke up with her.

 

I knew when she left for school, I was risking her changing and I knew it would be difficult,

 

You risked her changing without school. We change as people all the time, hopefully we change in a forward motion instead of backwards, but we evolve our interests, ideas, thoughts, opinions as we experience more of the world and grow. If we didn't do this we'd be stagnant people and that would get old eventually. For ourselves and those involved with us.

 

but it wasn't something I wasn't willing to work through. You seem to be under the notion that because I "broke up" with her, by rights, I am not entitled to feel any remorse or heartbreak whatsoever.

 

You couldn't be more wrong. I think you're fully entitled to feel remorse and heartbreak. It's just you wanted advice, and I needed to know how englightened about your self you were, before I said anything. Some poeple here had the atitude "Well you dumped her, you don't get to cry!" I am not one of them, not by far. I just wanted you to see the situation for what it was, because that's going to help you immensely.

 

 

 

Love is a two-way street and how do you expect it to work, if one party (which ever side it may be) isn't willing or no longer gives the same effort? There are always signs of something impending. In my case, she no longer wanted to come home for Christmas like she had originally planned, or her cat chewed up her computer wire and she did not replace it so we can see each other on webcam, or she missed our daily/nightly telephone calls. I became less a priority...and you know, I've accepted that.

 

EXACTLY. Ding, ding, ding. And THAT made you insecure, and you didn't know how or if it could be dealt with. So you broke up with her. You still want to tell me that's not what happened?

 

 

 

 

 

Do I still think about suggesting a break-up? Of course I do. But would I do things differently now, not knowing the outcome of what has transpired since November 4th? Unfortunately, probably not. Am I getting warm? You following ME?

 

 

So, if you had it all to do over again, you wouldn't of instead tried routes to work it out, before just yanking the plug?

 

 

superficial nice guy balonga comment; you are - and apparently even to yourself- holding onto the notion, sticking by the notion that dumping her was noble.

 

Why is it so hard to believe that a person can love another fully and sacrifice their own happiness just to see the other happy? Maybe you've never experienced it or this type of person doesn't exist to you

 

My partner is the greatest man I have ever known. There are few people like him in the world, and I don't believe I will ever meet another one like him in my lifetime. He is the creme de la creme. He loves me very much, and I've gotta tell you..he would NEVER, and I mean NEVER break up with me and end our relationship- instead of trying to communicate with me and find a way to make things work amongst the changes taking place. Least of all, would he ever get insecure, break up with me, and try to tell me he was doing it because he wanted me to just be happy. That's a cop out. You do that when you're a dirty, rotten, scumball and you know that if you stay in someone's life you will suck them dry and tear them down to the core. THAT is an appropriate example, of breaking up with someone for their own good. Being an affectionate and loving boyfriend, and just not sure how to deal with your girlfriend having a new life so you dump her because your insecure- is not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

but I assure you, I let her go to experience life. She was 25 and I was 32.

 

I'm 24, my partner is in his 30's. We BOTH have a lot of life yet to experience, and I want him to be a part of that for everything. I want us to share life together. You don't have to break up to do that.

 

For 4 1/2 years, all she knew was life with me. What was I supposed to do? Keep her forever and sedate the beast within inside her till we get married and then she maybe later on decides to "find herself"?

 

EXACTLY. What I have been saying all along. You're talking about insecurities. This is your FEAR, so you decided to cut the cord before you ever lived long enough to see what would of actually happened, or found ways to successfully grow together and further your relationship. Which takes effort on both parts, but I understand she began showing she didn't have the same willingness to work things out as you originally did. That must of been very hurtful, I'm sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

There are people in this world, capable of not thinking inwardly all of the time. Maybe I wasn't what she needed RIGHT NOW, but what she may need in the future. I don't fault her anymore than I fault fate. It was just circumstance and I tempted fate in hopes that she'll come back to me. If she's happy with her new found boyfriend, then I am happy. Of course not as content as if she were with me, but that's the risk I took when I let her go. Would I "break-up" with her knowing that 9 months down the road I'd still be feeling miserable? Probably not, but only if I knew it was the woman I fell in love with. Not that this new her is bad, just different and someone I am unfamiliar with. Maybe this new her, is perfect for her new boyfriend, but not for me. Why would I want to be with someone I no longer recognize as the person I loved? Would you? Could you stand there and honestly be in a relationship while watching the person you loved more than anything, disappear before your very eyes? It is possible for people to be that self-sacrificing.

 

 

That it was a selfless act done to make the woman you loved so much happy.

 

People change and people grow. I can tell you now and what she told me is that she is happy. If we had stayed together, I probably still could've pleased her and maybe I wouldn't be on here sharing my story with you, but we weren't happy Late October-early November. I try not to be a selfish person and when I let her go, it was an act of compassion. She seems to be fine without me, matter of fact, she seemed to have gotten along fine without me the first 2 weeks after our break-up. What makes you think she wasn't ready for a break? Why am I, the supposed "dumper", still missing her like crazy, when she, the supposed "dumpee", has gone through about 3 boyfriends, claims me as "just friends", and has cut all ties with the people that loved her most back home? Don't you think there is some sort of guilt there on her part by not even keeping contact her family who has supported in every way, or to some extent, even guilt towards me?

 

Couples break up all the time, as evident by this site, and usually when the person who did the breaking, is free, they're the ones that carry on and change. While the heart broken, is usually the one still holding on. Well I suggested the break-up, but am the heart broken and crucified because I let her go. Not everything is so black and white like everyone makes it out to be. Also, the break-up was very much mutual. I only suggested it, but if that is what you consider me being the "dumper", then you are entitled to your own opinion. At any rate.

 

thank you for the reply.

 

Duke

[aerogurl87]

Duke, Duke, Duke... where do I began. Hoping2heal is right I'm afraid. Your breaking up with her was not some noble act, although I'm sure you're trying to justify it as such. She moved away, became more independent, then you got scared and ran away from the relationship. Am I right? I mean when you break up with someone, you take the risk of never having them in your life romantically ever again. I tried to use that excuse to think about breaking up with my boyfriend once, but then I realized after we talked it out, that I was just scared of having him forget about me and leave me. Of course I have one of the greatest boyfriends in the world and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. But when I was going to end things with him, I was prepared for what could happen, losing him forever. And if it would've happened I would've had no one to blame but myself. Not him for living his life, just me. Like you have no one to blame but yourself.

[DukeHa]

So once again, I am left scratching my head at WHY you dumping her, was a selfless act of love for her own good and betterment.

 

Ok if you can't understand that, then there is no rhyme or reason I can say that'll make you see it. She is happy now isn't she? Do you think she would've been happier with me? Maybe, maybe not. I guess only she can truly answer that question.

 

Oh Johnny, this is EXACTLY what you did. You didn't beg her to take you back. Aside from that, the rest is spot on.

 

and its Duke by the way, not Johnny :-) once again, we don't see eye-to-eye as I thought about the decision for a while. Contemplating my very future without her and it sucked but I realized at that current place in time, we were moving in opposite ways. So no I didn't panic because, like I said, I didn't beg and plead for her to come back regretting my decision.

 

Just because you couldn't be there in person, doesn't mean you two couldn't have still been close as ever and you couldn't have taken part in her new experiences.

 

How? by having her drag her laptop everywhere she goes? By calling her and interrupting her when she's in school? By becoming more of a nuisance and needy person because all I had was work while she had a new circle of friends? By being a controlling boyfriend that needs to cling onto her every move? For the most part, I did try to experience things with her, like she would draw during our webcam chats and being an artist, I would try and help her. But for instance, its really hard to have a drink with someone through webcam.

 

You couldn't be more wrong. I think you're fully entitled to feel remorse and heartbreak. It's just you wanted advice, and I needed to know how englightened about your self you were, before I said anything. Some poeple here had the atitude "Well you dumped her, you don't get to cry!" I am not one of them, not by far. I just wanted you to see the situation for what it was, because that's going to help you immensely.

 

Well thank you for taking the time for the advice and for not having that attitude, it was very frustrating. I agree that I was insecure and you've helped me see it even more so, but we've covered that already. I still don't see how that solely lead to our break-up. She started changing and I set her free because I guess I couldn't change with her. Like I said, she seemed to have been perfectly fine without me afterwards, which reassured me that letting her go was the right thing to do. I guess I'll never know if it was, but her actions following our break-up did not give me any indication that she needed me any longer.

 

EXACTLY. Ding, ding, ding. And THAT made you insecure, and you didn't know how or if it could be dealt with. So you broke up with her. You still want to tell me that's not what happened?

 

okaaaay...so I was insecure. That's exactly what happened and I am not saying otherwise. But what would you have done? Seeing the signs that I saw and feeling less a priority when you use to be number 1 in her life. Would you have fought a seemingly uphill battle or if you felt that you were two ships now moving in the opposite directions, would you leave it to fate and let that person find happiness without you because you felt they deserved to and that is what you couldn't give them at that moment?

 

So, if you had it all to do over again, you wouldn't of instead tried routes to work it out, before just yanking the plug?

 

In an emotional state of mind where I miss her like crazy, of course I would want to try it over to see what could've happened, especially now that she has found a new love instead of me thinking she would just finish school and come home. But realistically, as I stated before, look at how she's turned out. She became a totally different person that neither me nor her aunt and uncle recognized. Hell, she doesn't even call them to let them know of her well being, instead they get it through 3rd parties as it filters its way through the family. Would she have changed so dramatically had I stayed with her? I guess that's the million dollar question. But towards the end, she went down a path I could not follow, so I had to let her experience this without me while I found my own path without her.

 

My partner is the greatest man I have ever known. There are few people like him in the world, and I don't believe I will ever meet another one like him in my lifetime. He is the creme de la creme. He loves me very much, and I've gotta tell you..he would NEVER, and I mean NEVER break up with me and end our relationship- instead of trying to communicate with me and find a way to make things work amongst the changes taking place. Least of all, would he ever get insecure, break up with me, and try to tell me he was doing it because he wanted me to just be happy. That's a cop out. You do that when you're a dirty, rotten, scumball and you know that if you stay in someone's life you will suck them dry and tear them down to the core. THAT is an appropriate example, of breaking up with someone for their own good. Being an affectionate and loving boyfriend, and just not sure how to deal with your girlfriend having a new life so you dump her because your insecure- is not.

 

Well different strokes for different folks, if that's what makes your boat float. Sorry I am not him and he is not me. I am glad you found a partner that will cherish you that way and communicate his every thoughts to you. But have you ever thought that even though I may not be/seem like a dirty, rotten, scumball, that I did feel that I was going to suck her dry with my insecurities, depression towards our distance, or her change? Perhaps I set her free, because I needed to be free as well. I wanted her to be happy in pursuing her dream, but at the same time maybe I felt I needed to pursue mine, whatever that may be. I couldn't contribute to the relationship bringing her down all of the time when she was on such a high with her new surroundings. That is why I let her go. How is that a copout?

 

I'm 24, my partner is in his 30's. We BOTH have a lot of life yet to experience, and I want him to be a part of that for everything. I want us to share life together. You don't have to break up to do that.

 

I wanted her to be a part of my life's experiences and I am sure she did at the time as well. But don't you think she would've fought harder for the relationship or from changing to keep us together. I was still missing her when she called me telling me about her new romantic interest. Why can't you break up if it seems like things are different. Maybe because your relationship is very similar to mine (age wise) that you can't comprehend that sometimes, people grow apart and no matter how much you scratch and claw for it to work, that it is just happenstance. I am by no means saying she is a bad person, she was/is a wonderful human being with the gift to light up a room with her personality and smile, but unfortunately, the girl I fell in love with, is lost somewhere inside the new person that is now in Canada and I wish her well.

 

EXACTLY. What I have been saying all along. You're talking about insecurities. This is your FEAR, so you decided to cut the cord before you ever lived long enough to see what would of actually happened, or found ways to successfully grow together and further your relationship. Which takes effort on both parts, but I understand she began showing she didn't have the same willingness to work things out as you originally did. That must of been very hurtful, I'm sorry.

 

Look, at that point in time, there was no GROWING together, only growing apart. Yes it was my fear, but a fear that was showing signs of becoming a reality. Could we have made it work? Maybe...but other than you, everyone around me says it was bound to happen and wouldn't have lasted. I guess which is why I value your advice because it is from a different perspective, but I still think as much as it still hurts, it was the right thing to do because of the outcome. Call me a pathetic romantic for believing that age old saying of setting something you love free and having it return to you, but that is what I believe. If it was meant to be, Aby will come back to me.

 

thank you again for your time and you are truly sweet even though we don't see things eye-to-eye.

 

Duke

[DukeHa]

Duke, Duke, Duke... where do I began. Hoping2heal is right I'm afraid. Your breaking up with her was not some noble act, although I'm sure you're trying to justify it as such. She moved away, became more independent, then you got scared and ran away from the relationship. Am I right? I mean when you break up with someone, you take the risk of never having them in your life romantically ever again. I tried to use that excuse to think about breaking up with my boyfriend once, but then I realized after we talked it out, that I was just scared of having him forget about me and leave me. Of course I have one of the greatest boyfriends in the world and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. But when I was going to end things with him, I was prepared for what could happen, losing him forever. And if it would've happened I would've had no one to blame but myself. Not him for living his life, just me. Like you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Well it is your opinion and I can care less if it was a noble act or not. Call it an excuse, but your boyfriend and Aby were not alike. Your boyfriend reassured you that everything was going to be ok when you talked it out. She did not, like I said...she agreed on the break which meant she was ready for one as well. I had the greatest girlfriend in the world as well and she would've probably told you the same about me, but sacrificing something in hopes that it will bring a brighter future was something I felt I had to do. We were both at a point in our lives where we felt we needed to find our place in the world career-wise and maybe in general. Yes I was afraid of her forgetting me and leaving me, but had I stayed with her and if it turned out she still forgot about me and left me, I'd still be blaming myself wouldn't I? Again not everything is so black and white in the world where you get to play judge, jury, and executioner and everyone is guilty before proved innocent.

 

Hope everything works out with you and your boyfriend.

 

Duke

[DukeHa]

After a long talk with my family, I felt it was just unnecessary for me to get all worked up and angry with others over my situation. I posted my story for some advice on "what would you do in this situation" not on who's fault it was who or a critique on the things I should've/could've done. What's done is done and I still stand by my actions in search of wisdom and possible encouragement and not for pity and to argue.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, as I am to mine and I thank everyone for their different perspectives on my situation. I greatly appreciate the time they took to evaluate my former relationship. I'm an emotional mess right because of nearly 5 years of wonderful memories flashed back in a matter of two days and it literally left me breathless and exhausted for having to justify and explain my actions when all I asked for was what should I do NOW, and not back then.

 

Life is too short for me to argue with everyone that doesn't agree with me, but especially why truly I did this for the benefit of someone I loved more than anything in this world. If someone can't understand that, then I am not going to try and make them. I shouldn't have to explain myself and frankly, I won't any longer. Now this is a forum and I knew all to well that people have opinions and are only trying to help, but somehow instead of helping me, it made me feel worse and more frustrated. So there was my mistake. I'm going to go live my life and if Aby comes back to me, then it was meant to be. But if not, I guess I'll just be another case of heartbreak on this site.

 

Take care everyone and Thank you again!!!

 

Duke

 

"May you all find the happiness that you seek"

[relationship_learner]

Duke,

 

I do believe that you are a passionate guy and you truly love that person. Sometimes you love her so much that you just want the best things happen to her regardless of how they might hurt you.

 

For example, You try to break up with her not because you fear that she will break up with you, but because (as you said) you want to free her from the burden (which is you). I used to do that with my ex. Since my parents dont support us, and it seems like she's having a hard time with it since we always get in to fights when she got problems with my parents. She once told me that being with me without seeing a future together only wastes her time. Then, I voluntarily found ways to break up with her with a hope that she'll find someone better and not wasting her time.

 

She was devastated and went dating with other guys. I was watching her in pain. When I suspected a guy who just want to get hooked up with her, I tried to interfere because I thought i didn't give her up for some random dude to take advantage of her. She broke up with that guy for good and somehow realized what his intention was. Hopefully she will eventually find her half and forget about me.

 

My point of telling my story is that you did the right thing. You just want her to be happy, but you love her so much that you forget what you should do to make YOU feel good. Honestly, you are the one who wait for someone, and it's definitely not a pleasant place to be while she's having friends to have fun and forget about you. You don't have to feel bad about the past because you did what was good for her. I guess both you and I are not selfish, but we are just too weak to jump through the obstacles in relationship...

[Lovelymisa]

Hello Duke,

 

After reading your story, it brought tears to my eyes. There are not many guys out there like you and I respect you for what you did. I do not think you made a mistake at all. She was showing obvious signs that she was not on the same page as far as keeping up with the long distance routines and keeping up with keeping you as a priority in her life.

 

Don't beat yourself up for what you did. You did what you felt you had to do and that is all there is to it. You are right, what is meant to be yours will always be yours. Maybe one day your ex will realize that she was meant for you all along and she will come back to you - maybe not. But for now I really think you should stop contacting her aunt and uncle. It is not fair for you to sit around and wait for someone who might never come back. I suggest you really block thoughts of her out of your mind - and the first step to doing so would be to stop all contact with her family. If she calls - don't answer. I think you should start over fresh and single - have fun - enjoy life. Life is way too short to be feeling sad over something you have no control over. I believe in fate...your angel is out there and you will not find her if you keep hanging on to your "almost" angel... It is also not fair for other girls. You are such a great catch - a romantic - to me you are the "perfect" guy. I feel sad that girls out there are missing out on such a man like yourself because your heart is given to someone who doesn't seem to even want it.

 

I noticed as you described "Aby" you mentioned that its hard to find such a girl like her in Southern Ca. I'm from Southern CA and all of my close girl friends are also from Southern CA - and we love our boyfriends very very much - we would do anything to make our men happy. Good girls are everywhere..you just need to be patient. "Aby" is not the only good girl in this world. There are many girls who would do just about anything to make their S.O happy..myself is one example. Of course there are also tons of girls who are just in it for status and money - but those are easily distinguished don't you agree?

 

I'm currently in a LDR with my boyfriend and I've been doing everything and anything in my power to keep him a priority in my life. I would rush home from work to chat with him before he goes to bed as we have a 9 hour time difference. I am from California and he is from Spain. I put chatting with him first (nothing absolutely nothing will stop me from talking to him unless i have an emergency or he just doesn't feel like talking to me one day) - He is my number one. All of my friends knows how much I love him therefore they would wait for me to spend time with my boyfriend and then afterwards my girlfriends and I would go out during which all I talk about is him.

 

I know I am not Aby and she is not me - but any woman who is deeply in love with a man would do absolutely everything it takes to be with him...she would not agree with the break just because it was suggested.

 

Move on Duke - the love of your life is out there waiting for you.

[Island Girl]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, as I am to mine and I thank everyone for their different perspectives on my situation. I greatly appreciate the time they took to evaluate my former relationship. I'm an emotional mess right because of nearly 5 years of wonderful memories flashed back in a matter of two days and it literally left me breathless and exhausted for having to justify and explain my actions when all I asked for was what should I do NOW, and not back then.

 

Hello Duke

 

I know it seems like you are being bashed but sometimes what we want to hear is not what we need to hear.

 

You say you broke up with her so that she could enjoy her life and experience things. You didn't want to drag her down. Did she tell you that you were? Did she tell you that you were holding her back?

 

When you talked to her, you said you had nothing interesting to say.

Who made that judgment call?

 

Why did you get to the point where you were just saying "just worked" about your day? You decided to edit because it didn't seem interesting?

 

It seems you made a whole lot of decisions that impacted your relationship. None of which did you attempt to resolve WITH her.

And then in the end you decide you know best and break up with her because of her age.

My new sister in law is 25. My brother is 45. They are blissfully happy.

But he decided to allow her to make her own decisions about the relationship. He expressed what he wanted and she was agreeable. He allowed her the choice. You didn't give your girlfriend that same option.

You just started checking out and then bailed. Whether you think it was in her best interest or not - you did not allow her to make her own decisions.

 

You ask what you should do from here.

You should take a huge lesson from this and communicate what you think and feel in the relationship. Allow the other person the option of working through problems and addressing them within the relationship.

 

If you had voiced your insecurities at the very beginning it may not have snowballed. It is still a possibility of course. But by taking your course of action it was inevitable.

Just like by you making the choice of breaking up - you single handedly brought about the end of the relationship.

In reality you wanted her. You didn't want it to be over. But you got caught up in your own head of what you weren't giving to her and how you were holding her back.

Again - that may or may not have been true. Or may or may not have gotten to that point had you not started to shut down and become more distant on your side of the LDR.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe looking back and hearing this will help you not make the same mistakes again.

Because you are a handsome, young, kind man who deserves happiness.

I hope you do find it.